Back in the bar, the guy relayed this conversation to the bartender. The bartender said: ‘Oh, don’t worry. It’s just those Siamese twins having a wank.’
2334
Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man finished, zipped up, and began washing and scrubbing his hands furiously. He did right up to his elbows and got through about twenty paper towels. When he had finished, he turned to the other two and said: ‘I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean.’
The second guy finished, zipped up, quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: ‘I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.’
The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door, said: ‘I graduated from Penn State and they taught us not to pee on our hands.’
2335
A guy was sitting in the men’s room cubicle at a highway stopover when he heard a voice coming from the next cubicle.
‘Hi, how are you doing?’ asked the voice.
Embarrassed at the sudden intrusion of privacy, the guy replied hesitantly: ‘Er . . . yeah . . . I’m OK!’
‘And what are you up to?’ asked the voice from next door.
The guy didn’t really know what to say. ‘Pretty much the same as you, I guess!’
Then the voice said: ‘Look, I’ll call you back. There’s some idiot in the next cubicle answering all the questions I’m asking you!’
2336
A drunk staggered into the bar toilet. A few minutes later, a blood-curdling scream was heard from inside the toilet. Then another. The bartender decided to investigate.
‘What’s the problem?’ the bartender called out.
A drunken voice from within replied: ‘I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!’
The bartender opened the door, looked in and said: ‘You’re sitting on the mop bucket!’
2337
Sitting in a public toilet, a man discovered when it was too late that there was no toilet paper. So he called to the guy in the next cubicle: ‘Do you have any toilet paper in there?’
‘Sorry, no.’
‘What about paper tissues?’
‘No, none of those either. Sorry.’
‘How about newspaper? Is there a sheet of newspaper you could give me?’
‘Sorry, pal, I don’t have any newspaper.’
‘OK. Can you give me two fives for a ten?’
2338
A small boy, just potty trained, hit everything but the toilet whenever he went to the bathroom. So his mother always had to go in and clean up after him. After six weeks of this, she decided to take him to the doctor.
After examining him, the doctor concluded that the boy’s penis was too small, and suggested an old wives’ cure of two slices of toast each morning. This, the doctor hoped, would make the boy’s penis grow sufficiently for him to be able to hold it properly and aim straight.
Next morning the boy ran down to breakfast and saw twelve slices of toast on the table.
‘But, mom,’ he yelled, ‘the doctor said I only had to eat two slices.’
‘I know,’ said his mother, ‘the other ten are for your father.’
2339
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children needed to go to the toilet, so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he and some of his friends couldn’t reach the urinals. Left with no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn’t help noticing that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. ‘I guess you must be in the fifth,’ she said.
‘No, ma’am,’ he replied. ‘I’m in the seventh, riding King’s Treasure. Thanks for the lift anyway.’
2340
While out at lunch with his manager, Sean Connery excused himself to go to the washroom. A few minutes later he returned and the front of his trousers were soaking wet.
His manager said: ‘Sean, what’s up? Do you need an operation or something?’
The actor said, ‘No, it’s just that whenever I go into a public restroom and I’m taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns and says, “Hey, are you Sean Connery . . . ?”
TOYBOYS
2341
A middle-aged woman spotted a cute young man working in her local supermarket. When she reached the checkout, she asked whether someone could carry her shopping to the car and was delighted to see the manager nominate the young man for the task.
Once outside in the car park, she whispered suggestively: ‘Young man, I have an itchy fanny.’
He said: ‘You’ll have to point it out to me, madam. All those Japanese cars look the same to me!’
2342
A farmer’s neglected wife sneaked behind the barn to watch the young hired hand taking a pee. Staring in disbelief at his huge dick, she said: ‘Boy, I’d sure like to have some of that!’
‘Well,’ he said innocently, ‘you’d best run and get a cup ’cos I’m about through.’
TRAVEL
2343
Two women met in the gymnasium of a cruise ship. One said: ‘This is my first cruise. My husband saved up for months to send me on this trip. Have you been on a cruise before?’
‘Yes,’ said the other, ‘I’ve been on over thirty cruises. That’s not surprising, though – my husband works for Cunard.’
‘Mine works hard too,’ said the first, ‘so there’s no need to swear!’
2344
Two old ladies were sitting waiting for a bus. One said: ‘I hate it when the buses run late. I’ve been sitting here so long that my butt has fallen asleep.’
‘I know,’ said the other. ‘I heard it snoring.’
2345
A father was worried sick because his twenty-year-old daughter had hitchhiked alone all the way from Los Angeles to Washington. ‘You could have been attacked or raped,’ he warned.
‘I was never in any danger,’ she insisted. ‘As soon as someone offered me a ride, I said I was going to Washington because that’s where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted diseases.’
2346
A guy got on a bus, sat in the front seat, spat on the floor and said: ‘What a driver!’ After he had spat and cursed half a dozen times, the driver ordered him off at the next stop.
The guy promptly spat on the sidewalk and said: ‘What a driver!’
A man who had got off at the same stop said: ‘I didn’t think the bus driver was that bad.’
‘I’m not talking about him,’ said the first guy. ‘When I was walking to the bus stop, I saw this ugly fat broad trying to park a pink Cadillac convertible in a space that was about a foot longer than the car. I shouted: “Lady, if you can get that car into that space, I’ll eat your snatch!” Ptui! What a driver . . .!’
2347
After seeing a young couple having sex in a carriage, a train ticket inspector summoned the police. The young man was arrested for having a first-class ride with a second-class ticket.
2348
An old man got on a crowded bus and no one gave him a seat. As the bus shook, the old man’s cane slipped on the floor and he fell. As he got to his feet, a nine-year-old boy sitting nearby said: ‘Hey, mister, if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.’
The old man replied: ‘Well, sonny, if your daddy had done the same thing nine years ago, I’d have a bloody seat today!’
UGLINESS
2349
A guy went int
o a pharmacy and asked for a vial of cyanide
‘Why do you want a vial of cyanide?’ asked the pharmacist.
The man replied: ‘I want to kill my wife.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said the pharmacist, ‘but there’s no way I can sell you cyanide so that you can kill your wife.’
With that, the guy reached into his wallet and pulled out a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looked at the photo of the ugliest woman he had ever seen, blushed and answered: ‘My mistake, sir, let me get it for you. I didn’t realize you had a prescription.’
2350
A guy phoned his lawyer and said: ‘Is it true that people are suing cigarette companies for causing them to get cancer?’
‘Yes, it’s true,’ said the lawyer. ‘I have three such cases ongoing.’
‘And am I right in thinking that someone is now suing fast food restaurants for making him fat?’
‘That’s right,’ said the lawyer.
‘In that case,’ said the guy, ‘can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I’ve slept with?’
2351
A guy starting a new job was told by his boss: ‘Marry my daughter and I’ll make you a partner in the firm, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million-dollar salary.’
Naturally suspicious, the guy asked: ‘What’s wrong with her?’
The boss showed him a picture of the daughter and she was truly hideous. ‘It’s only fair to tell you,’ added the boss, ‘she’s not only ugly, she’s stupid too.’
‘No way,’ said the guy. ‘I don’t care what you offer me – it won’t be enough to make me marry her.’
‘Listen,’ persisted the boss. ‘I’ll give you an annual salary of $5 million and build you a mansion on Long Island.’
This was tempting. So the guy accepted, figuring that he could always put a bag over her head during sex. And they duly got married.
Twelve months later, the guy was in the process of hanging a Picasso original on the wall of their new mansion. Climbing the ladder, he called to his wife: ‘Bring me a hammer.’
She mumbled to herself, ‘Get the hammer, get the hammer,’ and handed him the hammer.
‘Fetch me some nails,’ he added.
She mumbled to herself, ‘Get the nails, get the nails,’ and fetched the nails.
As he hammered the nail into the wall, he accidentally hit his thumb. ‘Fuck!’ he yelled.
She mumbled to herself: ‘Get the bag, get the bag.’
2352
A good looking man strolled into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best chat up lines. But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.
The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the barman, he said: ‘Tell me, why haven’t I been able to pull all night when that really ugly man comes in and walks out with the most beautiful women in the bar?’
‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows . . .’
2353
How do you know if you’re really ugly? – Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
2354
A guy was out driving when he was pulled over by the police.
‘Have you been drinking, sir?’ asked the officer.
‘Well, yes, a bit. But how did you know? Was I weaving all over the road?’
‘No,’ said the officer, ‘you were driving splendidly. It was the fat, ugly chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.’
UNDERWEAR
2355
Three women walking down the street were stopped by a man conducting a survey. He asked: ‘Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you’ve had a good night out?’
The first replied: ‘I come home, get into bed, and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night.’
The second answered: ‘I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know I’ve had a good night.’
The third one said: ‘If I get home, rip off my knickers, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night.’
2356
Two women got blind drunk on a hen night. Staggering home, they became desperate for a pee and decided to relieve themselves in a cemetery. When they had finished, one used her panties to wipe herself and then threw them away. The other woman was wearing expensive knickers, so rather than ruin them, she wiped herself clean with a card from a nearby wreath.
The next morning the two husbands were discussing their wives’ behaviour over the phone. One said: ‘I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on the girls. My wife came home last night without any knickers on.’
‘Tell me about it,’ said the other husband. ‘My wife came home with a card stuck to her fanny that read: “We will never forget you.”’
2357
Why do women wear black underwear? – They’re in mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
2358
Three small boys were sitting in the park. One said: ‘My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.’
The second said: ‘Well, my Dad smokes, and he can blow smoke out of his ears.’
Determined not to be outdone, the third said: ‘My Dad can blow smoke out of his ass!’
‘Have you actually seen him do that?’ asked his friends.
‘Not exactly, but I’ve seen the tobacco stains on his underpants.’
2359
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. When the boyfriend got home, she was waiting for him, lying spreadeagled on the bed wearing only her bra and her new panties.
‘Come here, baby,’ she purred seductively.
The guy backed off. ‘No way. If your pussy can do that to your panties, I ain’t going anywhere near it!’
2360
When a wife returned home from a shopping expedition with some expensive new underwear, her husband was horrified by the price tag.
‘Don’t be so mean,’ she said. ‘After all, you wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?’
‘No,’ he replied. ‘And nor would I expect to find gift-wrapping on a dead beaver!’
2361
A woman sent her clothing to a Chinese laundry, but when it came back, there were still stains on her panties. So the following a week she enclosed a note: ‘Use more soap on panties.’ The laundryman responded with a note of his own: ‘Use more paper on ass.’
2362
A nun went to her first confession and told the priest: ‘Father, I never wear any panties under my habit.’
‘That’s not so serious,’ said the priest. ‘Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.’
VAMPIRES
2363
Why do vampires drink blood? – Because coffee keeps them awake all day.
2364
How can you tell if a vampire is lazy? – He uses leeches.
2365
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? – To see if she was his type.
VASECTOMY
2366
After having their eleventh child, an Alabama couple decided that enough was enough. So the husband went to the doctor and told him that he and he and his wife didn’t want any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could provide the solution. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a huge firework called a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The guy said to the doctor: ‘I may not be the smartest man on this earth, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.’
> So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. Instead the doctor told the man to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a can, hold it to his ear and count to ten.
Figuring that both physicians couldn’t be wrong, the guy went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began counting ‘1,2,3,4,5 . . .’ at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on the other hand.
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 61