The girl replied: ‘Me, too. Mine’s the size of a bucket.’
2407
A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.
‘Mom, I have to tell you,’ the girl confessed. ‘I lost my virginity last weekend.’
‘I’m not surprised,’ said her mother. ‘It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience.’
‘Well, yes and no,’ replied the student. ‘The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore.’
VOMIT
2408
A cop stopped his police car when he spotted a young couple sitting by the side of the road. The guy was lying on his side with his pants pulled down while the girl was fingering him vigorously in his asshole.
‘What the heck is going on here?’ asked the cop.
‘This is my date,’ explained the girl. ‘When I told him I wouldn’t spend the night with him, he started knocking back the booze. Now he’s too drunk to drive me home, so I’m trying to sober him up by making him puke.’
The cop said: ‘That’s not gonna make him puke.’
‘Yeah?’ she replied. ‘Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth!’
2409
A timid little man found was allocated a window seat of an airplane next to a burly biker. The little man was a nervous flyer and began to feel sick moments after take-off, by which time the biker was already sound asleep. Just as he was summoning the courage to wake the biker so that he could get to the washroom, the little man threw up violently in the biker’s lap. The awful stench woke the biker and he opened his eyes to find himself covered in vomit. The little man quickly patted him on the shoulder and said: ‘There. Are you feeling better now?’
2410
Ken was planning a night out with his pals, but his wife was threatening to block the idea because the last time he’d gone out on the town he’d got so drunk that he had puked up all over his shirt.
‘But, honey,’ he pleaded, ‘I promise not to touch a drop of alcohol all night.’
Eventually she relented, but only on condition that he stayed off the booze. However once he was with his mates, Ken’s promises flew out of the window and he proceeded to get blind drunk. After about three hours of solid drinking, he threw up all over his shirt.
‘Shit!’ said Ken. ‘My wife’s gonna kill me for getting drunk and puking over my new shirt!’
Fortunately his buddy Ray had an idea. ‘When you get home, have a $20 bill in your hand and tell her that some other guy puked on you, and that he gave you the twenty bucks to get your shirt cleaned.’
Ken thought it was a great idea. When he walked into the house money in hand, his wife was waiting for him.
She let him have it with both barrels: ‘I knew you’d get so drunk that you’d throw up all over your new shirt!’
‘Honey, let me explain,’ said Ken. ‘This drunken idiot at the bar puked up on me and gave me twenty bucks to have the shirt cleaned.’
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and noticed that he was holding two $20 bills. ‘Is that so? Then where did the other $20 bill come from?’
‘Oh,’ said Ken. ‘That’s from the guy who shit in my pants.’
WEDDINGS
2411
A drunken wedding ended in a brawl and a court appearance. The judge was having difficulty getting to the truth of what had actually happened until the best man offered to outline the facts.
‘Your honour,’ he began, ‘I was the best man at the wedding. It is the tradition in these parts that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. After I’d finished the first dance, the music kept going, so we kept dancing to the second song and then the third, when suddenly the groom jumped over a table and kicked the bride right between her legs.’
‘That must have hurt!’ exclaimed the judge.
‘Hurt?’ said the best man. ‘He broke three of my fingers!’
2412
A couple applied for a wedding licence. ‘Can I have your name, please?’ asked the clerk.
‘Emma Jones,’ replied the woman grumpily.
‘Jeremy Jones,’ answered the man.
‘Oh. Any connection?’ asked the clerk.
‘Only the once,’ snapped the woman, patting her stomach. ‘When he put me in this state.’
2413
When a girl was planning to get married, she asked to wear her mother’s wedding dress. Touched by the request, the mother gave her the dress and, when the daughter walked downstairs for the first time, the dress a perfect fit on her petite frame, it made the mother burst into tears.
‘Don’t think of it as losing a daughter,’ said the girl reassuringly. ‘You’re gaining a son.’
‘That’s got nothing to do with it,’ sobbed the mother. ‘I used to fit into that dress!’
2414
Leaving their wedding reception, a young honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their country hotel. The driver wasn’t sure how to get there and said he’d ask for directions when they got nearer their destination. Meanwhile the lovers started getting really passionate in the back seat.
Seeing a fork in the road, the driver said: ‘I take the next turn, right?’
‘No way,’ panted the groom. ‘Get your own. This one’s all mine.’
WEIGHT
2415
A country boy had trouble getting dates but eventually his mates found a twenty-stone girl who was willing to go out with him. But they advised: ‘Compliment her on something. Chicks always like to hear good things about themselves.’
A few days later, they bumped into the country boy on his father’s farm. ‘How did the date go?’ they asked.
‘It was a total disaster,’ he said. ‘She just stormed off even though I took your advice about paying her a compliment.’
‘What did you say to her?’
‘I told her that for a fat, ugly broad, she didn’t sweat much.’
2416
What do fat women and mopeds have in common? – Both are fun to ride but you don’t want your friends to see you on them.
2417
A woman said to her husband: ‘Be honest, does this skirt make my bum look big?’
‘Of course not, darling,’ he replied. ‘Don’t be silly.’
Flattered, she was about to kiss him when he added: ‘It’s all that bloody chocolate you eat that makes your bum look big.’
Signs That It’s Time To Diet:
2418
You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you twenty-five more years to live.
2419
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
2420
You dive into a swimming pool and your friends say, ‘One at a time, please.’
2421
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
2422
You dance, and it makes the band skip a beat.
2423
You go into a restaurant, and the waiter asks you whether you want a bill or an estimate.
2424
Your driving licence says ‘Picture continued on other side’.
2425
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
2426
You could sell shade.
2427
Your blood type is Ragu.
2428
A young woman having a physical examination was very embarrassed because she had put on a lot of weight. As she removed her last item of clothing, she blushed. ‘I’m so ashamed, Doctor. I guess I’ve let myself go.’
The doctor checked her eyes and ears. ‘Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.’
‘Do you really think so, Doctor?’ she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said: ‘Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.’
2429
What
do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? – A quarter-pounder with cheese.
2430
A fat man went to a health farm where he was offered three weight-loss plans – one for $100, another for $200, and the third for $500. Choosing the cheapest plan, he had a shower and was shown into a sauna. There, sitting naked on a chair, was a pretty young woman with a sign over her head, which said: ‘If you can catch me, you can have sex with me.’
The man immediately began chasing the woman around the room. His time ran out before he could catch her, but he was delighted to learn that the exertion had caused him to lose eight pounds of fat.
The next day he tried out the $200 plan. After showering, he was again taken to the sauna where another pretty woman, totally naked but for high heels, was sitting under the sign that said: ‘If you catch me, you can have sex with me.’
Thinking that the high heels would slow her down, he set about the chase with confidence, but again he failed to catch her before running out of time. Nevertheless he lost another five pounds of fat.
For his final day at the health farm, he decided to splash out on the most expensive plan. After showering, he was shown into the sauna, but was disappointed to find the room empty. Then a chronically obese, ugly woman waddled into the room, stark naked. Hanging round the rolls of fat on her neck was a sign saying: ‘If I catch you, I get to have sex with you.’
2431
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got into line behind an obese woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As the mother waited patiently, the boy looked at the woman in front and said loudly: ‘Gee, she’s fat!’
The woman instinctively turned around and looked at the boy. His mother mildly reprimanded him.
A minute or so later, the boy spread his hand as far as they would go and announced: ‘I bet her butt is that wide!’
The woman turned around and glared at the boy. His mother gave him a good telling off.
A couple of minutes later, the boy stated loudly: ‘Look how the fat hangs over her belt.’
The woman angrily turned around and told the mother to control her rude child. The mother issued threats to the boy. He promised to behave.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue. Just then her pager began to emit its distinctive tone, at which the little boy yelled in panic: ‘Run for your life, mom, she’s backing up!’
2432
How do you make five pounds of fat look great? – Put a nipple on it.
2433
How do you fuck a fat chick? – Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
2434
There was this Texan who loved big women – the fatter the better. One day he took a really huge woman to bed, climbed on top of her and began having sex with her. They had been going at it for a while when he suddenly said: ‘Would you mind if we turned the light off?’
The woman was indignant. ‘Why am I that ugly?’
‘No,’ he answered, ‘it’s just that while we’re fucking, my ass keeps hitting the light bulb!’
2435
A woman sat opposite a fat man on a train and told him bluntly: ‘If that stomach was on a woman, I’d think she was pregnant.’
The fat man replied: ‘It was. She is.’
2436
What’s the best way to get a youthful figure? – Ask a woman her age.
2437
What do you call a pig that weighs more than 150lb? – A divorcee.
2438
Lonely, middle-aged and divorced, a guy decided out of the blue to phone a gorgeous ex-girlfriend whom he hadn’t seen for twenty years. For over an hour they talked about the wild nights they used to have together and then, to his amazement, she suggested they meet up and maybe rekindle some of the old magic.
‘Gee,’ he said, ‘I don’t know if I could keep up with you now. I’m a lot older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!’
She giggled suggestively and said: ‘I’m sure you’ll rise to the occasion.’
‘Yeah,’ he said defensively. ‘Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days.’
She laughed and told him to stop being so silly. ‘I think tubby, bald men are cute,’ she teased. ‘Anyway, I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself.’
He hung up.
WIDOWS
2439
A New York woman was still grieving after losing her husband four years earlier. Her social life was virtually non-existent until a friend persuaded her to go to a dinner party where she met a man to whom she was instantly attracted. After dating for a few months, she agreed to go away with him for a long weekend in the Catskills. On their first night, he stripped off completely but she kept on a pair of black lace panties.
‘What’s with the panties?’ he asked.
She said firmly: ‘You can fondle my breasts, you can caress my body, but down there I am still in mourning.’
It was the same the following night: he stood there naked while she kept her black panties on, insisting that she was still in mourning down there.
On their third and final night away, his frustration proved too much. She undressed right down to her black panties, but this time he stood before her naked except for a black condom on his erection.
‘Why are you wearing a black condom?’ she asked.
He said: ‘I’m going to offer my condolences.’
2440
A woman had her husband cremated and brought the ashes home. Picking up the urn, she poured him out on the counter. While tracing her fingers through the ashes, she started talking to him:
‘Marlon, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.
‘Marlon, remember that diamond necklace you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.
‘Marlon, remember that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money.
‘And Marlon, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.’
2441
An undertaker explained to a widow that it was impossible to fit her late husband’s body into the coffin because rigor mortis had set in and left the corpse with an erection. As a result, they couldn’t close the lid.
‘We could order a bigger coffin,’ suggested the undertaker, ‘but it will cost you an extra $1,000.’
‘No, that’s too expensive,’ sighed the widow. ‘I simply can’t afford it.’
‘Well, I suppose there is one other possible solution,’ said the undertaker hesitantly. ‘We could cut off his penis.’
‘No, no,’ said the widow. ‘I want all of him there when we bury him.’
‘I understand that,’ said the undertaker, ‘but we could remove his penis and insert it in his rectum. That way he would be complete.’
After thinking over the proposition for a few minutes, the widow agreed. ‘OK,’ she said, ‘but I want to see the body immediately before the funeral.’
The undertaker and the surgeon went about their business and laid the body out as arranged for the day of the funeral. The corpse was made-up immaculately and the penis was neatly inserted in his rectum. As the mourners began to gather, the widow went to pay her last respects to the body in the coffin. Saying her private goodbyes, she noticed that a tear had trickled out of his eye and smudged his make-up. Leaning over, she whispered: ‘Hurts, doesn’t it, you bastard!’
2442
Phil, Dave and Rob were working on very high scaffolding when Phil suddenly fell off and plunged to his death. As the ambulance departed with his body, Dave and Rob realized that they would have to inform his wife. Dave said he was good at the sensitive stuff, so he volunteered to tell her.
Two hours later, he returned with a six-pack of beer. ‘So did you tell her?’ asked Rob.
‘Yep,’ said Dave.
‘Where did you get the six-pack?’
‘She gave it to me.’
‘What?’ excla
imed Rob. ‘You just told her that her husband was dead and she gave you a six-pack?’
‘Yep,’ said Dave.
‘Why?’
‘Well,’ said Dave, ‘when she answered the door, I asked, “Are you Phil’s widow?” “Widow?” she said. “No, no, you’re mistaken. I’m not a widow.” So I said, “I’ll bet you a six-pack you are!”’
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 63