‘No, I’m just the li’l ole southern distributor.’
2638
To give his wife a break during the long school holidays, a man agreed to take his young daughter into work for the day. When they got home in the evening, the little girl said: ‘I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?’
Aware that his wife was listening, the husband said: ‘Well, it’s because my secretary works really hard. I’d be lost without her. I guess that’s why I call her a doll.’
‘Oh,’ said the little girl. ‘I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you laid her on the couch.’
ZOOS
2639
A guy went to the zoo one day, but while he was standing in front of the gorilla enclosure, the wind gusted and got some grit in his eye. As he pulled down his eyelid to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy recovered consciousness, the worried zookeeper explained what had happened, revealing that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means, ‘Fuck you!’ However the explanation failed to appease the guy and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his trousers, he hurried to the zoo and went over to the gorilla’s cage. He then tossed a knife, a party hat and a party horn into the gorilla enclosure. Knowing that the great apes are natural mimics, the guy put on the party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat lying on the ground, and put it on. Next the guy picked up the horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
2640
Two old ladies were standing by the giraffe enclosure at the zoo. As a male giraffe stood by the fence, one of the old ladies announced mischievously: ‘I bet I could squeeze his balls from here.’ With that, she reached over and squeezed the giraffe’s balls hard. The giraffe’s eyes opened wide, and it bolted over the fence, out of the enclosure and ran off into the distance.
The zookeeper came rushing over. ‘What happened?’ he yelled.
‘I squeezed the giraffe’s balls,’ replied the little old lady.
The keeper said: ‘Well, you’d better squeeze mine too. I’m going to have to catch the bastard!’
2641
Did you hear about the guy who had a job at the zoo circumcising elephants? – The wages were poor but the tips were huge.
2642
Joe the gorilla had lived at the zoo for eight years but during that time he had shown no interest whatsoever in the female gorilla, Jemima. In a desperate attempt to persuade Joe to mate, zoo officials called in the services of a gorilla behavioural expert. After studying Joe for a number of days, the expert recommended stimulating the gorilla’s genitals with a long wooden pole. He was convinced this would put the animal in the mood for sex. The keeper promised to give it a try.
Three weeks later, the expert asked the keeper if there had been any change in Joe’s behaviour since using the long pole.
‘There certainly has,’ said the keeper. ‘Now we can’t get him away from the TV when the snooker is on.’
INDEX
aborigines ref1
accidents ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15
acne ref1
adultery ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
AIDS ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
airplanes ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12
Alabama ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
Alaska ref1, ref2
alcohol ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14
see also bartenders; drunks
alligators ref1
Alzheimer’s ref1, ref2
Americans ref1, ref2, ref3
Amish ref1, ref2
animals ref1
see also specific animals
Anne, Princess ref1
anorexics ref1
Arkansas ref1, ref2, ref3
art ref1
arthritis ref1, ref2
asthma ref1
atheists ref1
ATM machines ref1
Australians ref1, ref2, ref3
automobiles ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14
babies ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
baldness ref1, ref2, ref3
ballerinas ref1
bank robbers ref1
bankers ref1, ref2
bartenders ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16, ref17, ref18, ref19, ref20, ref21, ref22, ref23
baseball ref1
Batman ref1
bears ref1, ref2, ref3
Beckham, David ref1, ref2
bed ref1, ref2, ref3
bees ref1
bestiality ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16
bikers ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
bikinis ref1
Bin Laden, Osama ref1, ref2
birds ref1
chickens/hens ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
ducks ref1, ref2, ref3
parrots ref1, ref2, ref3
birth ref1, ref2, ref3
birth control ref1
see also condoms
Blair, Tony ref1
blindness ref1
blondes ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
blow jobs see oral sex/blow jobs
Bobbit, Lorena ref1
body parts ref1
bogeys ref1
bondage ref1
books ref1, ref2
bosses ref1
breasts ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15
breathalyser test ref1
Bulgarians ref1
bulls ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
Bush, George W. ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
cabbies ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
California ref1, ref2, ref3
camels ref1, ref2, ref3
Canadians ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
cannibals ref1, ref2
castration ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Castro, Fidel ref1
cat food ref1
Catholics ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
cats ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
cerebral palsy ref1
Chapman, Mark ref1
charities ref1
Charles, Prince ref1
cheerleaders ref1
Chicago ref1
chickens/hens ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
children ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
see also school
Chinese ref1, ref2
chocolate ref1
Christmas ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
church ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
see also preachers and priests
Cinderella ref1, ref2
circumcision ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
Clinton, Bill ref1, ref2
Clinton, Hillary ref1, ref2, ref3
clothes ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13
college ref1, ref2, ref3
Colorado ref1
computers ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
condoms ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13
Connery, Sean ref1
constipation ref1
contraception ref1
see also condoms
corpses ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, r
ef8
court ref1, ref2
cowboys ref1, ref2
cows ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10
crapping ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16
crime and punishment ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11
see also police
Cuba ref1
Dahmer, Jeffrey ref1
dancing ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
dating ref1, ref2, ref3
deafness ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
death ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
decorating ref1, ref2
DeGeneres, Ellen ref1
dentists ref1, ref2
Derek, Bo ref1
Detroit ref1
diabetes ref1
Diana, Princess ref1, ref2
diarrhoea ref1, ref2
disability ref1
disease ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
divorce ref1, ref2, ref3
doctors, visits to see specific subject
dogs ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16, ref17, ref18, ref19, ref20
donkeys ref1, ref2
driving ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16, ref17, ref18, ref19, ref20, ref21, ref22, ref23
drugs ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
drummers ref1
drunks ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12
ducks ref1, ref2, ref3
dwarfs ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
dyslexia ref1
elephants ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
elevators ref1, ref2
England and the English ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
epilepsy ref1, ref2, ref3
erections ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14
Essex girls ref1, ref2
Euro Disney ref1
excrement ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10
executions ref1, ref2
fairy tales ref1
falling/jumping ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
families ref1
fancy dress ref1
fantasies ref1
farmers ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9
farts/farting ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14
fear ref1
fishing ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
fleas ref1, ref2
flies ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
flight attendants ref1
Florida ref1, ref2, ref3
flowers ref1
food ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
restaurants ref1
football ref1, ref2, ref3
footwear ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
foreplay ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
French ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
frogs ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Kermit ref1, ref2
funerals ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
gambling ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Gates, Bill ref1
gays ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9
genies ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10
Georgia ref1
Germans ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
gifts ref1, ref2
giraffes ref1, ref2, ref3
goats ref1
God ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
golf ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
Gore, Al ref1
gorillas ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Greeks ref1, ref2
greeting cards ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
guns ref1
gymnastics ref1
gynaecologists ref1, ref2
haemophilia ref1, ref2
haemorrhoids ref1
hair ref1, ref2, ref3
pubic ref1, ref2
halitosis ref1
Hallowe'en ref1
hangovers ref1
Harlem ref1, ref2
Hawaii ref1
health ref1, ref2
heaven and hell ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16, ref17, ref18
hens/chickens ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
hijackers ref1
hillbillies ref1, ref2
hippies ref1
hitch-hikers ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Hitler, Adolf ref1
Hollywood ref1
homicide ref1
honeymoon ref1, ref2, ref3
hookers ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16, ref17, ref18, ref19, ref20
horses ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
hospitals ref1, ref2, ref3
hunger ref1
hunting ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
husband ratings ref1
Hussein, Saddam ref1, ref2, ref3
hygiene ref1, ref2
hypnotists ref1, ref2
hypochondria ref1
ice skating ref1, ref2
impotence ref1
in-laws ref1
see also mother-in-law
incest ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
inflatable dolls ref1, ref2
insanity ref1
insurance ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
internet ref1
Iowa ref1
IQ ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Iraq ref1, ref2, ref3
Irish ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Italians ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Jack the Ripper ref1
Jackson, Michael ref1
Japanese ref1, ref2
Jehovah's Witnesses ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
Jesus Christ ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Jews ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
rabbis ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
Judas ref1, ref2
judges ref1, ref2, ref3
kamikaze pilots ref1, ref2
Keller, Helen ref1
Kennedys ref1
Kentucky ref1
Kermit the Frog ref1, ref2
Kevorkian, Dr Jack ref1
kidney dialysis ref1
languages ref1
lap dancing ref1
Las Vegas ref1
lawyers ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
leather ref1
Lennon, John ref1
lepers ref1
lesbians ref1
Lewinsky, Monica ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
libraries ref1
life ref1
life insurance ref1
Lifesavers ref1
limericks ref1
Little Red Riding Hood ref1, ref2
love bites ref1
luck ref1, ref2
Mad Cow Disease ref1
Mafia ref1, ref2
Maine ref1
Mancunians ref1
marriage ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
Martians ref1
masochism ref1
masturbation ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16, ref17, ref18, ref19, ref20
men ref1, ref2, ref3
advice to women ref1
seven most important in a woman’s
life ref1
vibrators better than ref1
Mercury, Freddie ref1
Mexicans ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
mice ref1, ref2, ref3
Michael, George ref1
Michigan ref1
middle age ref1
military ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4
ministers see preachers and priests
Minnesota ref1
misers ref1
Miss Piggy ref1
missionaries ref1
Mississippi ref1, ref2
mobile phones ref1
moles ref1
money ref1
Montana ref1, ref2
Moses ref1
mother–in–law ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6
movies ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5
music ref1
nagging ref1
names ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
Native Americans ref1, ref2, ref3
naturalists ref1
necrophilia ref1, ref2, ref3
neighbours ref1
New Jersey ref1
New York ref1
Newfies ref1
nipples ref1
Noah ref1
noise ref1
North Carolina ref1
Northern Ireland ref1
nudity ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
nuns ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
nursery rhymes ref1
nymphomania ref1
old age ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9
sex ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16, ref17, ref18
opticians ref1
oral sex/blow jobs ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16, ref17, ref18, ref19, ref20, ref21, ref22, ref23, ref24, ref25, ref26, ref27, ref28, ref29, ref30, ref31, ref32, ref33
orgasms ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8
parking ref1, ref2
parrots ref1, ref2, ref3
Parton, Dolly ref1, ref2, ref3
penises ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14, ref15, ref16, ref17, ref18, ref19, ref20, ref21, ref22, ref23, ref24, ref25, ref26, ref27, ref28, ref29, ref30, ref31, ref32, ref33
circumcision ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7
erections ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6, ref7, ref8, ref9, ref10, ref11, ref12, ref13, ref14
impotence ref1
The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated & Politically Incorrect Jokes Page 66