REVIEWS
First off, Hamburger says that his friend Mark saw an actual ninja, but that’s bullshit, because there are less than fifty ninjas in the whole world and there are even less than that in the U.S. Second, I’ve been inside a real Okinawan dojo (I bet Hamburger doesn’t even know what that is) and I know what I’m talking about. Maybe when Hamburger turns eleven, he can ask his mommy if she’ll get him a life for his birthday.
—T.B. Lawson, age 33
This book changed my life. When I grow up, I want to kill someone!
—Cindy, age 7½
I am a single mother. A single mother of three boys! And it’s tough enough to keep them from acting up without people like Robert Hamburger in the world. He is a disgrace to the whites, if he’s white. My second-born son has been, as he calls it, “flipping out” recently and he started doing so around the same time the boys discovered this book. And surprise, surprise, my son seriously harmed his brother AND now his behavior is affecting his schoolwork. Is Robert Hamburger going to tutor him? Doubt it. I’m a single mother! My son’s rambunctious attitude is going to get him put in juvenile hall or even jail. Hamburger is encouraging kids to go berserk and disregard rules. I demand that this book be banned, before someone seriously gets hurt. Trust me, Mr. Hamburger, this is one single mother of three boys you do not want to mess with. I’ll see you in court! Write me back and we’ll talk some more.
—a-single-mother-of-three-boys-you-do-not-want-to-mess-with, age 41
I use the martial arts (no, not ninjitsu ... I don’t have the patience or dedication) in conjunction with medieval sword skills. So I have a working knowledge of what it takes to become proficient in ANY form of the martial arts, even the complicated ones. There is a reason why Ninjitsu is called an ART. Figure that part out, Hamburger.... Oh, wait.... Sorry.... He probably doesn’t have enough grey matter (brain) for that. Hamburger is the opposite of what any human being should even think of being. He thinks he knows everything (but actually, he knows nothing). Other people know that he’s full of crap, too. I’m not alone.
—anonymous, age 29
I used this book for a school paper. When I turned it in, my teacher thought it was so good that she called my parents!
—Mike, age 9
Ninjas DO NOT kill and stab all day. They aren’t “cool” because they can do anything. They are actually highly trained paid-assassins. If they (ninjas) were still around “flipping out and killing people” like Hamburger says, then we would hear about it A LOT more than we usually do. He’s so stupid. If Hamburger is going to talk about something he should at least know what he’s talking about. He probably doesn’t even know what a shuriken is. And that’s not even the gist of what’s wrong with this book. Oh, and by the way, Hamburger—if you’re reading this—I’m a sniper. So if you see a red dot appear on your chest, smile, because you’ll get to meet somebody who really is “cool,” if only for a second. (Sorry if you’re crying while reading this, but I don’t care.)
—Jeremy C., age 26
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Good morning. I would like to thank my dog Francine, whose real name I will not disclose because of privacy. And I want to thank my baby-sitter, John Fielding, for helping me write this book. He’s cool, I guess. Plus, I thank my parents for having sex and making me, but THAT’S ALL. Third, I would like to thank Miek Coccia, Daniel Greenberg, and Jeremie Ruby-Strauss for realizing that a simple kid could teach people about ninjas. (Though, they are always laughing at me—so I don’t know what their problem is.) O.K., see ya later!
This book is disgusting.
—Robert’s Mom
For the hippos ...
Table of Contents
REVIEWS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Dedication
LAST WILL AND TESTIMONY
Title Page
INTRODUCTION: WHY I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT NINJAS AND STUFF
GETTING STARTED: WHY NINJAS?
PART I - Who Are These Guys and What’s Their Problem?
SECTION OVERVIEW
The Pump-Lip Part: Some of Mine and Francine’s Favorite Movie Scripts
If You Don’t Believe That Ninjas Exist, You’re a Moron: The Proof
Basic Facts About These Guys
Questions That Kids in the Neighborhood Ask Me
The Official Ninja Code of Honor
Fighting Styles
Some Frigg’n Badass Ninja Weapons
Skills Non-Ninjas Only Dream of Having
Top Eleven Reasons Why Ninjas Kill People
Japan - (Where Ninjas Basically Came From)
Who Would Win? - Ninjas vs. Anybody
Some Nice Things: A Nice Poem
PART II - The REAL History of Ninjas
SECTION OVERVIEW
Time Line of Ninja History - (Through Time and Space)
History of Holidays
The Future (According to Ninjas)
A Shakespearian Play: The Choice
A Ninja’s Letter to Santa
Santa’s Reply
Plato’s Allegory of the Hole, Probably by Plato
Famous Ninjas in History
The Classifieds
The History of Yoga
Historical Letters from a Ninja Pupil
The Most Controversial Case EVER
Inteermission - (Snack Break/Mini-Pump)
PART III - Ninjas Everyday
SECTION OVERVIEW
Spotting Ninjas and the REAL Ultimate Ninja Test
Super Powers
Ninja Fantasies
The Ninja’s Biggest Weakness: Super-Scary Ghost Stories
A Sensitive Ninja’s Journal
How Ninjas Learn: Senseis and Training Camps
Testimonials About Ninjas by Like-Minded Kids
Ninja Mind Control
Testimonials of Ninja Victims
My Dinner with a Ninja: A Hot Babe Talks About a Hot Night
Romance and Ninjas
How to Tell If a Ninja Is Trying to Kill You or Trying to Hang Out with You
Dealing with Ninjas on a Personal Level
PART IV
SECTION OVERVIEW
Pump-Up Part II: More Movie Scripts That Make Me and Francine Bite Each Other Hard
Do You Have the Ninja Spirit?
Becoming a Ninja
Porking
Joining a Ninja Clan
The Cooldown Part
Ninja Kicks: Try Them Now
How to Make Your Own Ninja Suit out of Stuff
Make Your Own Badass Ninja Weapons
When Ninjas Die
How to Commit Seppuku with a Frisbee
Appendix and Exhibits
GLOSSARY
QUIZ
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DISCLAIMER
ABOUT THE ARTIST
Copyright Page
Notes
LAST WILL AND TESTIMONY
Dear Everybody,
This is my last will and testimony. If you find this book, then you should consider me dead meat. I have left the neighborhood, because I am a true live ninja and I have a destiny—total sweetness. You probably don’t understand what that is, because you’re an idiot. Everybody I know doesn’t understand the complete sweetness of ninjas and it hurts me—you hurt me. But don’t get me wrong—I don’t want your heads to explode. I forgive you, but I just deserve something cooler.
You can have all of my stuff: my shirt, my beach towel, and that bowl. I don’t care. But most importantly, I leave you this book so maybe, just maybe, you can understand the way of the ninja—REAL Ultimate Power.
Farewell dummies,
Robert Hamburger
Do you want to know what REAL Ultimate Power is?
(If yes, t
hen turn the page. If no, then close the book right now.)
Do you want to get pumped?
I mean really, really pumped?
REAL Ultimate Power
The Official Ninja Book
by Robert Hamburger
All copyrighted material within is Attributor Protected.
INTRODUCTION: WHY I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT NINJAS AND STUFF
Have you ever been so pumped that you want to completely flip out? I mean like really really flip out. People get pumped about all sorts of things: sports, pets, making out, or motorcycles. Do you want to know what gets me pumped? Ninjas. Ninjas are so sweet, I want to crap my pants.
When I wake up in the morning, I lay in bed for a few hours and practice kicking and punching with my feet and arms. (Don’t worry, homey, I’m only practicing.) After that, I go eat breakfast with Mom, like eggs and toast and stuff. Then I go nuts: I throw towels, scream at birds, and spit on the carpet. And THEN after all that, my dog Francine and I dress up like ninjas and make forts and fight and French and flip out all day.
You see, I love ninjas so much it hurts, and that’s why I made this book about them. I don’t know if there are even ninjas anymore, but sometimes I think that there must be, because of the feeling inside me. My parents fight. Just imagine being a ninja. You could kill anybody you want. And I mean ANYBODY! These guys are sooooo sweet. And do you know why? They flip out and kill people for no reason at all. That’s awesome! Do you know of anybody else who can do that? Probably not. Your dad couldn’t even kill people just because he wanted to. He would go to jail in a second. But ninjas ... yeah, right! There’s no way you could put them in jail. Ninjas are unstoppable and charming. Pirates and Vikings are cool, but they don’t go nuts like ninjas. And ninjas have magical powers, too. They can fly. Every human being on the face of the planet wants to fly, and ninjas have been doing it since day one. DAY ONE! And that’s a fact. Some ninjas have the power to bio-slime people. It may sound disgusting, but trust me, it’s pretty sweet.
I am not attracted to ninjas, personally. But sometimes when I’m lying in the backyard and I’m thinking about ninjas for more than an hour, I pop a boner. Sometimes they’re small, but sometimes they’re humongous. Mom caught me one time when this happened. She said, “What the heck is going on? What are you doing?” And she chased me around the yard with a rake. When she caught me, she made me lay on my stomach and she stepped on my butt. Mom’s pretty big, so it went away real fast. But when she stopped and it came back even bigger, I knew that ninjas were special. These guys are totally sweet. Everyday I ask my mom if I can take karate. I say, “Hey Mom, can I take karate?” And she says, “No way! You’ll hurt someone.” So we compromised on yoga—I start next year. But who cares, I don’t need karate—I express myself by screaming and imagining stories about ninjas.
I guess I just want to tell the people of Earth about something totally sweet. I have felt this way all my life. My name is Robert, and this is my book about the coolest guys to ever flip out.
GETTING STARTED: WHY NINJAS?
You might be asking yourself why you should learn about ninjas when there are so many other things to learn about. Personally, I don’t understand that question. Ninjas are so awesome. And in case you you’ve been stuck in the house for the past ten years, ninjas are deadly assassins. For example, they would dress up like a salesman to get into your house and, while they’re pretending to sell you something, they would look for holes and cracks to climb into. So then, at night, they would come back and murder you. Most ninjas are in Asian countries, but you can find them just about anywhere. Ninjas have weapons, like ninja stars and the ninja sword.
Ninjas can kill anyone they want! They cut off heads ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it! These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon, the ninja killed the whole town. And my friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window. And that’s what I call REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you don’t believe that ninjas have REAL Ultimate Power, you better get a life right now or they will chop your head off!!! It’s an easy choice, if you ask me. Ninjas are fast, smooth, cool, strong, talented, powerful, and sweet. I love them with all of my body, including my pee-pee.
PART I
Who Are These Guys and What’s Their Problem?
A famous warrior won a bunch of battles. He won so many that he started thinking he was too cool to hang out with his old buddies. But one day a hippo bit his shoulder and the warrior needed a simple antidote. So he called everybody he knew, but they were all busy having fun with their dog and everything. So nobody was around to wipe his poor, poor baby butt. Too bad, little baby! Too bad.
—Ancient Chinese Fable
SECTION OVERVIEW
If you were to ask someone six months ago what they thought ninjas were, they’d probably say, “Excuse me. Ninjas? Who cares! Get out of the way—my fucking soaps are on!” Unfortunately, today isn’t much different. Most Westerners don’t know much about them. There are even stories that ninjas are descended from monsters or demons, but only a baby would believe that. Ninjas came from vaginas, just like everybody else. In this section of my book, I’m going to start out with the basics—who they are, what they do, and other stuff. And then I’ll help you to understand total sweetness and appreciate what ninjas have to offer. And later, we’ll get into the more complicated stuff, like their history, how to be friends with one, or even how to become one. But first, we need1 to2 get3 pumped.4
The Pump-Lip Part: Some of Mine and Francine’s Favorite Movie Scripts
Before we get into the science of ninjas, you need to get pumped, really really pumped. I get my dog, Francine, pretty pumped by telling her stories about ninjas. So I wrote three short movie scripts (by myself) to get your blood hot and crazy. The first film, Ninja, Please, introduces the ways of the ninja. The second film, Ninja Babe, is sexual. And the last film, The Ultimate Battle, introduces the ninja’s stupidest opponent. Hopefully, you’ll enjoy them as much as I like looking at naked ladies.
Ninja, Please
SCENE 1:
Ninjas walk down the street to go eat some food. They are all wearing black and looking totally sweet. There is some awesome music playing in the background to get the audience really pumped. Then some dude jumps out of nowhere. The ninjas start beating this guy’s ass, bad. Then the dude starts trying to run away, but one ninja pulls out a ninja star (ninja weapon) and throws it at the guy. The ninja star cuts the guy’s head totally off. The head rolls over near this old dog that looks at the head and barfs all over the place, including on the camera, which is awesome. The ninjas then start flying and everybody starts screaming. Then the scene ends.
SCENE 2:
A ninja is sleeping at his house. Some idiot walks by singing a super annoying song. Then the ninja wakes up super pissed and ready to rock. The guy just keeps walking and singing, while the ninja starts cutting down a building. When the guy walks by the building, it falls on him. (While the building is falling, a guitar will be wailing hard in the background.) There will be a close-up of the dude’s feet sticking out from under the building. The feet explode all over the place, because of blood pressure. Then we see that the ninja was playing the guitar. Then the ninja starts flipping out hard and totally wails on the guitar. Then all these babes start coming out of nowhere and the ninja starts wailing even harder (if that’s even possible). Then the camera starts fading out and then explodes.
The End
I thought of this script one night right before bedtime. I got so pumped I almost kicked my mom right in the face!
Ninja Babe
SCENE 1:
There is this super rich, stupid idiot who lives in a humongous house. At his house, this guy has babes lying all over the place. The next scene is hot. The guy takes this super hot babe back to his room to make-out. The audie
nce will think that the hot babe is a normal babe, but, yeah right, she’s a ninja. The ninja woman smashes the guy’s head like a hairy melon. Then all these dogs come out of nowhere and the ninja woman has to beat the dogs’ asses. First, she kicks this one dog right in the nuts. The dog screams and jumps out the window. Then she jumps in the air and kicks two dogs in the nuts at once! Both dogs evaporate. Every time the ninja woman kicks nuts, a guitar squeals hard. Then the ninja woman has to battle the boss dog. The boss dog is huge. Before the boss dog can attack, she uppercuts the boss dog’s nuts so hard that he explodes. Then the guitar squeals REALLY hard and explodes.
The End
This script is awesome and that’s a fact.
The Ultimate Battle
SCENE 1:
Dark smoke fills the scene and pump-up music slowly gets louder. The audience sees a ninja and his girlfriend eating at a super expensive restaurant. The girlfriend is so hot that steam is coming out of her mouth or hair. Some old idiot is sitting by the couple. The idiot is giving the girlfriend “the eye” and popping, like, sixteen boners. But, the ninja sees the boners and the music really pumps up. The audience knows this guy is dead meat for sure. But, out of nowhere, the old idiot pulls off his jacket to show that he is a pirate with lasers and everything. The ninja is like, “Yeah right, who cares?” and then pops the biggest boner ever, bigger than the biggest, blackest boner alive. The ninja’s boner smashes the entire restaurant. And every single one of the pirate’s boners explodes while making whistling sounds. The ninja looks back at his girlfriend. She smiles and they pork.
Real Ultimate Power Page 1