Real Ultimate Power

by Robert Hamburger

  The End

  While writing this script, I head-butt my dog so hard that we both screamed.

  If You Don’t Believe That Ninjas Exist, You’re a Moron: The Proof

  Did You Know?

  When the first ninjas were arguing at dinner about what to call themselves, one suggested that their name should be NINJAS. They voted, and that was it.

  I bet you’re pretty pumped right now, because I know I am. But you also might be thinking that ninjas don’t exist and those scripts were just magical fantasies, but you’re wrong and stupid, if you ask me. Here’s absolute proof of that they really do exist.

  Though you never know when somebody is a frigg’n liar, I think my best friend Mark’s stories are true. One night, I slept over at his house and he told me that for the last week a ninja was hanging out in his backyard, behind the shed. I was like, “Yeah, right.” So we waited until Mark’s parents went to bed to check out the ninja. We sneaked out without making too much noise and the night air was intense. And to tell you the truth, I had never been that pumped before in my life. We didn’t think we’d make it to the shed alive, but we did. Mark almost died from the jogging—so we rested in front of the shed for a while. But out of nowhere, we heard this huge BANG behind the shed. Mark was like, “Holy CRAP!” and a little piece of poop seeped out of my butthole. Then we frigg’n booked back towards Mark’s house. I was so pumped and excited that I jumped right through the living room window and cut my legs and arm. Mark’s parents flew out of bed screaming and yelling. Mark got an erection and got grounded, and I got sent home. But I didn’t care about any of that crap, because I knew right then that Mark was telling the truth—ninjas exist.

  So if you don’t believe that ninjas exist, you might get your ass beat and/or killed! If some book says that ninjas don’t exist and you believe it, then you’re5 a6 moron.7

  Basic Facts About These Guys

  Now that you know that ninjas really do exist, you can shut your mouth. In this chapter, we will learn about the REAL ninja, not the cartoon kind who kills only when they have to. Let’s begin with the facts.

  1. Ninjas are mammals.8 Ninjas are hot-blooded hairy animals who don’t lay eggs. They live in the woods or in dojos or in houses like you and me. They graze. Baby ninjas eat blood-milk. Basically, their mating season is whenever they want, which is awesome.9

  2. Ninjas fight ALL the time. Ninja means “fight” in German and Mexican. It is the ninja’s nature to always fight. If they stop fighting, they start to lose power or energy, and I don’t want that to ever happen.

  3. The purpose of the Ninja is to flip out and kill people. Think about the time that you got so pumped you couldn’t believe it. Now, multiply that times about a billion. That’s how pumped a ninja is ALL THE TIME. If a regular person ever got that pumped, they’d have to take Ritalin or something.10 But the bottom line is that ninjas basically exist to kill morons who can’t keep their mouths shut. (That might mean you.)

  4. Ninjas hang out in dojos (a lot). Dojos are kinda like bars where ninjas go to relax and/or meet babes. You can do anything you want at the dojo. If you want to eat a whole pizza by yourself, go ahead. Or if you just want to goof around, no problem. I saw one dojo in a magazine where they had drinking fountains of pop—that’s great, if you ask me.

  5. Ninjas hang out with other ninjas or, as Mom says, only with “really down-to-earth kids.” But she’s full of BULLCRAP! Ninjas hang out with the sweetest of people. Throughout the ages, ninjas have hung out with kings, popes, jesters, boxers, vampires, and geniuses. But most of the time, ninjas just hang out with their clan, which is a bunch of buddies who either live in the same neighborhood or whose moms know each other.

  Questions That Kids in the Neighborhood Ask Me

  Did You Know?

  Ninjas made killing cool. Before them, everybody was like, “Killing? Yeah right!” But now everybody’s like, “Sweet.”

  Because there’s just so much to know about ninjas, I could speak about them all day, but I won’t. Nevertheless, kids in my neighborhood ask me a lot of questions about ninjas, AND THEY’RE ALWAYS THE SAME ONES, which makes me think that you might be asking yourself the same questions too. I’m going to deal with this crap right now.

  Q: Why is everyone so obsessed about ninjas?

  A: Ninjas are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they don’t give a crap, but on the other hand, ninjas are very careful11 and12 precise.13

  Q: I heard that ninjas are always cruel or mean. What’s their problem?

  A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other mammals, ninjas can be mean OR totally awesome.

  Q: What do ninjas do when they’re not cutting off heads or flipping out?

  A: Most of their free time is spent flying, but sometimes they stab. (Ask Mark if you don’t believe me.)

  Q: Why do your parents fight all the time?

  A: It’s not because they’re ninjas or anything. I think it’s because my dad probably isn’t my real dad. You see, I sometimes think that a ninja secretly had vaginal sex with my mom so that he would be my real father. In fact, it has to be true, because I feel it in my heart. My real father, the ninja, may be traveling all over the world killing people whenever he wants, fighting everyday, going berserk and/or flipping out. What would he do if he could see me now? Dear Dad, do you think of me when you’re flipping out and killing trillions of people? Do you pop boners about having a son? When are we going to hang out, Dad? That would be crazy if we both had a psychic connection and always popped boners at the exact same time. That would explain a lot, I think.

  Q: What’s with their boners anyway?

  A: It is one of their strongest/hottest weapons. See the weapons section, later on.

  Q: Why is your mom so crabby?

  A: Well, it’s just me and Mom at home all day, and she told me that she got menopause because I talk about “those fucking ninjas all the fucking time.” She says that if I go near her, I’ll catch menopause, too! And I don’t need that kind of stuff14 in15 my16 life.17

  Q: How do you know all this stuff about ninjas?

  A: I am a ninja-in-waiting and have been chosen, I think, to be a real ninja when I’m big enough.

  Q: Robert, why are you such a faggot?

  A: Let me ask you this: How would you like to die this afternoon? I’ll smoke your entire life like a cigar or pipe! I’ll cut your face in half!

  The Official Ninja Code of Honor

  Ninjas are more than just a bunch of facts. They’re real. And they have a special code they live by. A long time ago, there was the First Ninja, who knew how frigg’n sweet he was, and that everyone else in the world would try to be like him. But he also knew that some people would get it wrong and ruin EVERYTHING. So he wrote down a bunch of crap. This way, future people could understand REAL Ultimate Power and use it only for Total Sweetness. After he wrote The Ninja Code of Honor, he mysteriously nailed it to the door of a huge church, so everyone would see it. This is what it said:

  The Ninja Code of Honor

  I, the First Ninja, had a dream that one day everyone could be Totally Sweet and flip out, but also I had a nightmare that one day some frigg’n idiot would screw everything up, so I here do declare that The Ninja Code of Honor be that which every ninja sets himself out of stone by and into and, hopefully, in four score and seven days, everybody will know what REAL Ultimate Power is. So let me tell you my story, so you can live like a REAL ninja.

  In the beginning was Total Sweetness, and Total Sweetness was with the Ninja, and Total Sweetness was the Ninja. And when people saw this Ninja they freaked, because he was glowing and everything. And then some idiot came up to him and asked, “What’s your problem?” And the Ninja said ...

  “When in the course of humans, it becomes necessary for People to dissolve and/or melt into one another, which is disgusting, there comes one completely awesome guy, me, who will form a more perfect union of chopping off heads and looking Totally Sweet.”


  “What are you talking about?” asked the idiot.

  “Never kill anybody for a reason. This is the meat-and-potatoes of honor. Honor is the ability to kill anybody anytime without giving a crap. And that’s a fact.

  “Be buddies with someone forever if you say that you’ll be friends, ‘cause it’s pretty frigg’n lame when somebody pretends to be your friend and invites you over to play ninja fight, and you set up the fort for your best friend and it’s your turn to be the ninja and you get pretty frigg’n pumped and throw his cat against the wall (’cause you’re pumped) and his mom screams and picks you up and takes you outside and drops you in the front yard AND NOW he hasn’t talked to you for three years, ’cause he says he’s in the army, but you see him next door in his bedroom eating pizza or playing basketball with girls. So remember, a real ninja hangs out with his best friends and doesn’t ignore friends just because they got too pumped.

  “Be completely and utterly sweet. A lot of people forget this while flipping out and just act like idiots, like this one kid who lives down the street and thinks he’s so bad because he saw some lady getting a pap smear and brags about it all the time.

  “And make the most of your life. If you live life passively, you are wasting a precious gift. Our time on Earth is finite and valuable—to carelessly waste it is a crime of the mind and soul. But death is a gift, too, and you should deal with honor and Total Sweetness by The Ninja Code of Honor.

  “Now let this be a warning to you and your buddies. If you want to be a ninja, you must follow these rules or you will get your ass beat bad.”

  Thanks a lot,

  The First Ninja

  Fighting Styles

  Did You Know?

  One time I saw this crap so big, it had its own vein.

  Different ninjas fight with different styles. No single style is the best, but some are obviously stupider than others. A lot of people say that ninjitsu isn’t that great, but I’d like to see them say that while sitting next to a ninja. Just imagine yourself introducing one of those guys to a ninja. “Oh hello, this is my friend Mark. Mark, this is a ninja. My friend Mark here thinks that ninjas are pretty stupid. He thinks that you ninjas can’t do anything.” Oh, man. Just imagine the ninja sitting there drinking coffee with one hand and gripping some ninja stars with the other. Your friend would be so frigg’n scared. Here are some other fighting styles:

  Karate

  Karate is retarded. It’s basically aerobics with pajamas. If you want to be a real ninja you don’t have to take it. Most people who join karate only do it because their parents make them. It’s basically for people who need an attitude adjustment—that’s all. Karate’s basic moves are breaking wood; some kicks; up, up, down, down, left right, left right, B, A, select, start; and other stuff—I can’t remember right now.

  Yoga

  A lot kids in my neighborhood say that yoga doesn’t have anything to do with ninjas, but that’s a bunch of bull crap! I mean, these are the same kids that think a lady’s period is when the lining of the uterus is shed through the vagina. Like I’m really going to believe them about yoga! Yoga is the most effective fighting style ever. If you stretch hard enough, you probably don’t have to fight anybody. One time, I did the spits without warning and some people started running. It’s awesome. The main move is the splits.

  Pressure Points

  Sometimes if a ninja is relaxing and doesn’t feel like getting all sweaty, they’ll use pressure points on an enemy. Pressure points are one of the coolest ways to gently beat somebody’s ass. You could just be sitting there, relaxing and watching TV, pretending you’re not going to completely beat the crap of somebody and then WHAM! you softly touch their wrist and they go to sleep forever! It’s like you’ve got so much power that you don’t need to waste energy on someone you hate. One of the greatest pressure points ever is the touch of death. I mean, can you believe that ninjas can kill a person without cutting or strangling them? It almost doesn’t make sense. Almost. With just a simple caress, a ninja could end a human life. And it doesn’t happen right away—so no one will ever figure out who did it. Here’s what happens. A ninja touches the back of some dude’s head. Then the back of the head sends a signal to the stomach. Then the stomach sends a signal to the liver. And then, finally, the liver tells the heart something. And the guy dies! So if somebody says to you, “Hello Sir (or Madam), would you like me to rub the back of your head?” You should probably say, “No,” or “No thank you,” because they might be a ninja, completely willing to kill you, but just too tired to get all crazy about it.

  Menopause

  Menopause is pretty powerful and gives someone a mustache. If you know anybody who uses this style, you should probably just stay upstairs. The main moves are slapping with rolled up magazines, screaming power, single- or double-handed spanking, and hot flashes.

  Meditation

  Some people ask me how ninjas can be harmonious with nature when they’re constantly kicking people in the nuts. Well, they just can—so don’t worry about it. They mediate and think about what they’ve done. During meditation, ninjas will spend hours away from TV and friends. This is when they learn about themselves, mainly reflecting on deep questions like, “Why can’t you act normal and stop embarrassing your mother and me?” and, “Why can’t you stop acting like a fucking retard?” And, after they’re done, they’re allowed to come back downstairs and watch TV

  Judo

  Judo is pretty lame. It’s basically a self-defense style. So when they have tournaments, there’s never a winner, because nobody ever makes the first move. The main moves are not doing anything and waiting. It’s stupid.

  A Ninja Makes a Telephone Call

  Guy: Hello.

  Ninja: Hey.

  Guy: What’s going on?

  Ninja: Nothing, just hanging out. What about you?

  Guy: I’m just hanging out, too.

  Ninja: That’s cool.

  Guy: I gotta go.

  Ninja: Really?

  Guy: Yeah, see ya later.

  Ninja: O.K., bye.

  Some Frigg’n Badass Ninja Weapons

  Did You Know?

  If you still think ninjas are dumb, try picturing yourself covered with ninja stars.

  You don’t know crap unless you know about ninja weapons, which are pretty amazing, if you ask anybody. Even though these guys are infinitely sweet without them, somehow weapons make them sweeter, in a paradoxical kind of way.

  Ninja Stars

  Ninja stars, or Chinese stars, are one of their coolest weapons. These can really mess up someone’s life. Ninjas love them because they are small enough to fit in a backpack or lunch bag. Oh hello, would you like to steal my lunch? How would you like to see out of a tube for the rest of your life! BOOM! That would be so frigg’n sweet. Just imagine some moron saying that crap to your face and having a boatload of ninja stars in your pocket. He’d wish his parents never even thought about making love. That guy would be sitting meat. Then I’d go over to his house and rip out his dog’s hair and spit all over the place. And then I’d make love to his mother’s butt, while everybody in the nation watched. Take my lunch—yeah, right! I’ll bite your face off.

  Ninja Sword

  The ninja sword is shorter than the samurai sword, but that doesn’t mean the samurai sword is better. There are big debates about which sword is the best—conferences and stuff—but people who believe that the ninja sword isn’t the sweetest are stupid idiots. They put their ninja sword in a long pocket on their back so that their hands are free for climbing up dojos and stuff like that. The ninja sword is mainly used on necks, but it can also be used on arms, legs, and stomachs. The guy who invented it is probably pretty cool (and pretty rich, if you ask me).18

  Guitar

  The guitar is the ninja’s trumpet. He uses it as a warning that danger is near and he’s ready to rock. If a ninja’s finger merely brushes up against a guitar, a humongous wail will happen. No other mammals can wail as hard. It has
something to do with magic. I asked Dad if he would get me a guitar for Christmas, and he said he would buy me one if I ran away.

  Boner

  The boner is the ninja’s hottest weapon. A ninja can pop thousands of them if they get super pumped. Some studies even show that a ninja can pop more than a million boners, if they need to. They can be used on babes19 or morons. Ninjas can slam or slap their opponent or girlfriend with it. The boner is also used to help balance when they are tree-waiting. I remember my first boner. I was looking through my neighbor’s window and could see some lady changing her panties and everything. But check this out, behind her on the bed I could see this big orange cat licking its nutsack. And BOOM! My pants inflated like an air bag. Mom busted into the room, and was like, “What the heck are you doing?” And I was like, “Nothing.” And she was like, “Yeah, right.”