At the mention of Allie’s name, I panic. She can’t see me like this, she won’t be able to handle this after everything she’s been through.
“No!” I shout through the water and my tears.
“I can’t have her seeing me like this Johnny, please? I’m begging you.”
Climbing into the shower with me fully clothed, minus his t-shirt, he takes a hold of me under my arms and maneuvers me so that we’re both sitting on the shower floor and I’m sat in his lap.
“Sshh princess, I won’t call her if you don’t want me to. I just thought you might need your friend right now.” He reassures me.
I don’t say anything for a long time, we both just sit there, clinging to one another, letting the water wash away the last few hours of our lives.
“I want you to take me home Johnny, I don’t want to be here anymore.” I tell him.
Taking my head in his hands, he lifts my head from his shoulder where it’s resting this entire time and pushes my wet hair away from my face.
“You’re going to come home with me, at least then I can keep an eye on you, or if you prefer I can stay your place. Either way I am not leaving you on your own.”
I go to speak and tell him that his place is just fine when I feel like I’m getting punched from the inside out.
“Did you feel that?” I ask him.
He looks at me like I’ve sprouted two heads.
“Did I feel what?” He’s clueless at to what I’m on about. But just as he asks, the punching feeling comes back at full force.
“That! Johnny please tell me I’m not imagining things?”
“Princess, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
To prove a point, I take a hold of one of his hands and place it on my growing belly where the weird feeling came from.
And as if the little bugger knows it’s his daddy with his hand on my belly, he does it again.
“Oh, holy shit.” Johnny whispers, as if he’s scared to talk loud now. I start to laugh, crazy I know after what’s just happened to me, but the look on his handsome face has me breaking out in the fits of giggles.
“That’s our baby saying hello Johnny.”
“Wow. I’ve never felt anything like this before. Are sure you and the baby are ok though? I mean with what just happened to you.” I never thought about this until now.
“I think so yeah, but just to be on the safe side I’ll call the midwife and make an appointment to see her as soon as possible… you can come… if you like.” I’m still unsure if he wants to be involved with all this, he never really confirmed it as we were interrupted by Travis. And talking about it still makes me nervous.
“Princess, there is nothing I would love more than that. I’m here for you both no matter what, for as long as you both want me. Nothing will ever change the way I feel about you.” He kisses my forehead, it’s a long and gentle kiss, and he lets it linger, until there’s a knock on my door. I nearly jump out of his arms, but he soothes me and reassure me yet again that I’m ok. Pushing us both up from the floor of the shower, he wraps me up in a towel that was hanging on the rail, making sure I’m covered before sorting himself out. Once he knows I’m ok and steady on my feet again, he whips off his soaking wet trousers, which is easier said than done, especially when you’re trying to be quick, but he manages it and wraps a towel around his own waist, making sure it's secure before making this way towards my bedroom door, leaving me to my own thoughts, but not for long.
It’s Carlos.
“Your father would like to see you both before you go, he’s waiting for you in his office, and here are some clean clothes for you Johnny, they should fit. Dom thought you may need them.” I hear him say, before Johnny has shut the door again and is now facing me head on.
I look at Johnny, panic laces my stomach and it must register on my face at the same time.
Quick to reassure me again he tells me.
“Don’t worry K, everything's going to be ok. We’ve got each other now and I’m not letting you out of my sight. Where you go, I go. Right?”
His words instantly settle my nerves.
“Right.” I tell him.
We both dress in silence, not saying a word to each other, but both of us catching glimpses here and there. We get dressed in record time, knowing my father doesn’t like to be kept waiting, what happened to me earlier would never change that.
Once we’re both done, he takes my hand and leads me towards the door and towards my father.
“Not long now and we can finally get out of this shit hole once and for all.” He tells me as he squeezes my hand a little tighter with his.
“That would be great, I’m starting to wish that I never came up with the idea of coming here in the first place, but at least my dad knows everything know. No more trying to hide away from everyone.” I say as I rub my growing belly, he nods his head at me with a smile, but doesn’t say anything else as we round the corner to my father’s office, as usual the door is closed.
“Let’s get this over with princess.” I couldn’t agree more. So, I knock twice letting him know that we’re here.
“Come in.” I hear my father say. Johnny grabs the handle and opens the door slowly.
“Take a seat.” He tells us as he points to the chairs situated right in front of him, the seats we both vacated not that long ago, before everything went to hell in a basket. My dad looks at Johnny, then to me. Only they stay on me as he speaks next.
“I know I’m not the father that you wanted growing up Karina, and I know we haven’t had the best father and daughter relationship, if we’ve had one at all, and I know losing your mother only made that harder for us. But I want you to know that I love you.” Why is my dad telling me all of this now? I needed this over ten years ago, when I thought I had no one left in my life, I thought my father hated me after my mum died, he told me plenty of times that I looked like her, I got it. He couldn’t stand to be around me. At least that’s what I thought, till he carries on.
“You reminded so much of your mother that it hurt to be around you, and the older you got the more you became her. I was a fool to push you away, I should have been there for you, should have kept you safe. I’m just thankful that you had John here to protect you.” Why is he looking at Johnny? He wasn’t there through all of that. I look at Johnny who just has a blank look on his face, obviously not getting what my dad means either. I’m just about to ask what he means before he continues.
“I mean here… now to protect you now Karina.” Oh, now I know what he’s trying to say. My dad never speaks from the heart, so I understand him stuttering around his words. Looking slightly awkward he shakes his head.
“What I’m trying to say is… I want you to be happy Karina, and after seeing you with John… Johnny here I now know that he makes you happy, is this what you want? The baby and him?” Is he serious?
“Yes… this is what I want dad. He makes me mad at times, but he also makes me happy too.”
“Then you have my blessing as I gave him it earlier, he will protect you now and always. He will keep you safe as I could not. What happened to you before made me realise that this is no place for you, let alone a baby, so from now on, you will no longer come here…”
“Dad...” He cuts me off before I can say anything else.
“No buts Karina, that is an order and you will obey it. As I was saying, you will no longer come back here, if you want to contact me and vice versa you will phone me, and we will meet under my terms, I will not risk putting you in danger again. Now go… Live your life Karina, I love you my little girl. I always will. Remember that.” I can’t see a thing, my eyes are watering so much I don’t see him walk around his desk, I only feel him when he wraps me up in his arms and hugs the life out of me. This is his goodbye, he’s telling me goodbye and it sounds as if it’s for good. I should be happy to get out of this life, but it saddens me that I have to lose my father in doing that too.
“Johnny, you take rea
lly good care of my little girl, as she’s precious and very rare to find… promise me.”
“I promise Dom, with my life.” I just about manage hear him reply through my cries.
I don’t know how I made it out of that office, no doubt Johnny carried me the whole way out, as my legs gave up on me and I couldn’t move. But we’re outside nonetheless. I take one last look at the place I called home for most of my life knowing I will never return again.
Johnny
I’ve never been so glad to see the back of one place.
Helping Karina into my car once we’ve said our goodbyes to Dom, I give the biggest sigh of relief as I walk to my side of the car and get in. We’re both leaving and we’re both leaving alive, I couldn’t be happier with the outcome of my visit to the one place I always said I’d never return too. Instead I’ve been here twice in a matter of months, all because I love the woman sat next to me. I take Karina's hand in mine, lifting it to my mouth and kiss her knuckles.
“You ready to get out of this joint princess?” I ask against the skin of her hand.
“I’m sad with how I’m leaving, but I’ve never been more ready in my life, let’s go home Johnny.” She wipes away the final tears that had fallen down her face.
With the last words from her mouth spoken, I start the car and speed out of there. I have never been so glad to have the car I have, my Koenigsegg Regera goes from 0 to 150 mph in 0.3 seconds flat down the long dirt path, and before I know it, I’m leaving a trail of dust in our path. It’s times like this, not that they happen very often might I add, that I have this baby at my disposal, making it worth every penny of the £270k I paid for it.
As I speed away, Karina flicks with the music controls in front of us. She never could stand silence. Finally settling on a radio station, Beautiful Trauma by Pink starts to play through my built-in speakers. Karina starts singing softly next to me as she stares out of the window watching London go by in a blur, when she sings the lines…
It was you
The pill I keep taking
The nightmare I'm waking
There's nothing, no nothing, nothing but you
My perfect rock bottom
My beautiful trauma
My love, my love, my drug.
I know she’s referring to us as a couple without directly saying it to me, we are a nightmare, but we only see each other and together we make a beautiful trauma. On paper we probably wouldn’t fit, but that’s where people underestimate me. All they see is the lead guitarist of Syren, a young man out enjoying himself willing to fuck anything in a skirt. I’m not saying for one minute I didn’t used to be like that because I was, me and the guys were out partying every chance we got and who could blame us, we found fame and fortune at a young age, so it just went with the job. Something still gnaws at my gut that Karina thinks I’m still like that as well. Which makes me even more determined to prove her wrong, I need to show her somehow, I’m in this for the long haul. The song ends, and some dance shit comes on interrupting the thoughts I’m having, and for Karina to look at me and burst out laughing.
“This so isn’t your type of music.” She says in between her giggles. She’s right it isn’t, give me a Meatloaf album any day of the week. Once she’s calmed down from her laughing fit, she changes it again and En Vogue's- Don’t get let go croons around the car, so it’s the soundtrack to the rest of our journey to my place.
I pull up to my building, climb out of the car and go to collect Karina from her seat, but being the stubborn person, she’s always been she’s got her belt off and is rising from her seat before I can even get to her door.
“I’m capable of getting myself out of the car Johnny, you don’t need to mother me.” She says it with a smile on her face, so I know she’s joking.
“Come on you, less of the jokes and get your fine arse into my apartment before I throw you over my shoulder and carry you.” I warn her with a grin of my own on my face.
“I’m going, I’m going.”
Walking with her to the entrance, I toss my car keys to Mickey the valet we have on call twenty-four hours a day.
We jump in the lift, that thankfully is already on the lobby floor. Once we’re both in I press the button to take us up to the penthouse, Karina has never been to my home before, so if I’m honest with myself, I’ll feeling a little nervous. But she doesn’t seem too surprised that that’s where we’re heading.
I did warn her enough she was coming home with me.
The lift dings letting us know that we’re at the top of the building, so I place my hand in hers again and take the lead, leading her onwards.
I pull my keys out of my pocket, thanking my lucky stars that I remembered them when I got changed, otherwise this would have been awkward. Making our way inside, I walk us through the hall and into the open space that is my living area and to the right is my kitchen.
“Take a seat, would you like something to drink?”
“Erm, just some water please.” I hear her say as I make my way into the kitchen, it’s all open plan so I can still see her as I’m making it.
I grab a clean glass from the cupboard and run the tap till the water is ice cold, once I’ve done that I just stand and watch her from afar. She looks deflated and lonely, all by herself. Which she’s anything but, she has me, Allie, Connor, Liam and Max, she has a new family. And then there’s our baby to come. This family is growing, and she can’t see any of it. I know what she’s thinking about, her bloody dad. I know in the car ride over here she was just putting on a show, she was trying to hide her emotions, putting up that brick wall again. Well she can keep building them, but I’ll just keep knocking them down again. Enough is enough, I’ll pull her back one way or another.
Realising I’ve been staring too long and before she wonders where I’ve got to, I pick the glass back up from the side and take it to her. I place it on the table in front of her and park my arse down on the sofa next to her.
“All joking aside now. How you really feeling princess?” I need to know where her head’s at in order for me to help her get past it.
“I’m ok I guess, I mean a lot has happened today, it’s a lot to take in. I was almost raped today, then I saw someone get shot, well I didn’t see it, my eyes were closed, and then the stuff my dad said before we left. My heads all messed up, and I don’t know what to do with myself.” She puts her face in her hands, before running them through her hair. “I think I’m coping better than any normal person would, right? You’d think having Dominic as your father would help you prepare for these kind of things, but they don’t, it hasn’t.” She looks at me for an answer.
“Everyone copes in a different way Karina, I mean you seem to be doing ok, but I’m only seeing what you want me to see, you’re good at hiding your emotions when you want to. Talk to me, you can tell me anything, I’m not going anywhere.” I pull her into me, so her head is now resting on my chest.
“I don’t know what I’m feeling, I just feel numb, my whole body is numb, I’m feeling nothing.”
“That’s to be expected K, you went through something today no woman should ever have to go through. And coming from your background, having the father you have. That in it itself is a lot to deal with.”
“I know I’ll get over saying goodbye to my dad, that’s the easy bit, and if I’m honest I expected to say goodbye to him a long time ago only it wouldn’t have been in person. He would have been six feet under. But I can’t seem to get the dirt and blood off myself from Freddie, that just can’t be washed away as easy. And believe me I tried.” She’s rubbing her hand up and down arm as she speaks about it.
On the outside I’m trying to be strong for her, but on the inside, I’m being ripped apart because she’s feeling like this. It cements the fact that shooting that bastard was the right thing to do. Which reminds me, I still have my piece tucked in the back of my jeans, I hid it in her room before I went to her in the shower, it’s a good job I did, otherwise she’d have seen it whe
n I whipped the wet denim off I was wearing when I climbed in with her, thankfully I managed to get it tucked into the clean jeans without her seeing or suspecting a thing. When she went to use bathroom before we left her room, that was my one and only chance to be able to do it.
This she doesn’t need to know about or see for that matter. I still don’t think she knows it was me that fired the gun, which in the end killed Freddy. If she does know, I have this sick feeling she wouldn’t be here with me now. She would think of me as a monster, a murderer. In a way I am, but what I did, I did it for her. To save her.
“I know it’s hard right now, but in time it will get better, I promise. Someone once told me ‘that life isn’t always easy, at times it can get really tough, but it’s how you cope in those moments that take you on a new path.’ You have to let yourself move on because if you don’t it’ll consume you and swallow you whole princess.”
“Who told you that? My mother use to say something similar to me when I was younger, before she died.”
“Well she was a very wise woman then, and it was said to me by a lady that I was very close to at one time, not so much now.”
She also doesn’t need know it was her mother that told me that.
She’s been through too much already today, if she found out everything else that I’ve kept hidden from her, I know it will just tip her over the edge completely. I will tell her one day, just not yet. I can’t. I’ve only just really got her back, I can’t lose her again, it will kill me.
Knowing I need to remove the gun from the back of my trousers, I lean her up from my chest and get up from the sofa. She just looks at me as she doesn’t know what’s going on.
“I’m just going to get out of these god-awful clothes, I won’t be a second.” I kiss the top of her head quickly and make my way to the master bedroom. Walking over to my wardrobe I slide the door across revealing the box I just chucked back in, listening out for a second just to make sure she isn’t coming my way. When I know I’m good to go, I remove the gun from my back and place it at the bottom of the box and cover it up with the rest of the boxes contents. I shove it right at the back of the wardrobe where it’s been sat for almost ten years, hoping I never have to get it back out again. Just as I’m shutting the door to the walk-in wardrobe I hear movement behind me.
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