“We'll find a way of making it work with the samples we have,” Ben reassured them. “I wouldn't like to use Kazuki's blood either.”
“What about mine?” Matt suggested. “You said I've got the marker?”
“You can't use the weapons,” I pointed out.
To my surprise, Ben looked intrigued by Matt's proposal. “We know the supernatural can use the weapons through the combination of blood and the wing mark.” He glanced at me. “It might work, Charlotte. At the very least, it's worth a shot.”
“Great. I'll come to the hospital tomorrow, you can take a sample of my blood, do whatever you need to do to find out if it'll work.”
The conversation was interrupted by a knock at the door and Matt went to answer it. “Hey, Conal. Come on in.”
“I can't stay. I'm looking for Charlotte. Is she here?”
My heart plunged, plummeting down to settle somewhere close to my suddenly-churning stomach.
“Yeah, she is. She came over for dinner tonight.”
“Can I speak to her for a minute?”
“Sure.” Matt glanced back into the living room. “Conal wants to talk to you, baby.”
I lowered Kazuki onto the floor and stood up, trying to summon up enough courage to face Conal.
“Talk to him, Charlotte,” Rowena urged me.
I was certain there was going to be yelling and very little talking after my outburst this morning, but I went to the door.
Conal stood on the stoop, his black eyes hard and cold. “Can we talk?”
I shrugged and reached for my coat and mittens. “I'll meet you at home,” I told Rowena and Ben. I hugged Misaki and then Matt held me close for a couple of seconds. “Thanks for dinner.”
“Anytime, baby. See you tomorrow.”
Shrugging on my coat, I stepped out onto the stoop and Conal strode down the stairs. When he reached the cobblestones he waited and I looked down at him, pulling on the mittens. “What?”
He gazed at me wordlessly for a few very long, uncomfortable seconds. “Come for a walk,” he demanded. With a sigh I joined him and started walking down the narrow street. Conal fell into step beside me, his hands tucked deep into the pockets of his coat.
We trudged through the snow, boots crunching in the fresh snowfall. We'd almost completed an entire lap and returned to Matt's house, yet still Conal hadn't spoken. The cold was beginning to seep through my coat and I shivered.
“You're cold.” Conal shrugged out of his coat and draped it over my shoulders. I slipped my arms into the warm sleeves and Conal stood in front of me, carefully doing up the buttons. I kept my eyes lowered, painfully aware of his closeness
“But you'll be cold,” I protested.
“Nah, I'm fine. I run warmer than you in the first place. You know that.” A quick glance confirmed he was wearing a thick grey sweater which stretched pleasingly across his broad torso. I lowered my eyes again, concentrating on the snowy ground, my heart thumping.
We continued traipsing along the street and Conal adjusted his stride to match mine. “Conal, what do you want to talk about?” I finally asked. “Or are we just going to keep walking all night?”
Conal sighed, crossing his arms against his chest. “I'm finding it hard to say anything to you right now, worrying I'll screw it up. Every single thing I've said in the past seven weeks was wrong.” He stopped, turning to face me. “I didn't die, Charlotte. For whatever reason, I survived Archangelo's attack.” He paused, his black eyes piercing. “But I think you wanted me to die, would have found this easier if I had.”
Tears welled in my eyes, pain lancing my soul. I'd hurt him so badly by pushing him away; but I still thought it was the right thing to do. He needed to move on. Archangelo would kill Conal if he knew I was involved with him. And I couldn't deny it any longer –my reaction to seeing him with his girlfriend had proven I was involved with Conal. I loved him as much now as I always had and I'd been jealous, knowing he was with someone else. “That's not true,” I whispered.
Conal's jaw was tense when he spoke. “You've got a funny way of showing it. You've done everything these past weeks to convince me you hate me. Everything in your power to try and make me hate you.” He paused, his voice low when he spoke again. “It won't work, Charlotte. Pushing me away like this – it won't work. You can't make me hate you.”
I glanced away, unable to deal with the intensity which radiated in Conal's eyes, the desperation he held there. I had the power to make him hate me. Knew when he learned of the pregnancy he would hate me. I should tell him right now and walk away, knowing that any relationship I had with him would be irrevocably destroyed. It was the right thing to do, for Conal's sake.
I couldn't bring myself to voice the words.
“Charlotte, talk to me. Please, Sugar,” Conal begged. “Tell me what's worrying you and I'll try to fix it. I promise.”
I inhaled harshly and looked at him. I was too much of a chicken to tell him the truth, but I had to end this conversation and get away from him. “Won't your girlfriend be wondering where you are?”
His features hardened instantly. “Rachel? The puppy, as you so kindly called her this morning?”
“Well, presumably she's pure-blood. That's what you're meant to be looking for,” I retorted.
Understanding sparked in his eyes. “Is that why you're pushing me away? You think if you push me away, I'll meet a pure-blood werewolf and live happily ever after?” He shook his head. “I think we both know that's never going to happen.”
“It's what has to happen. Besides, you certainly looked happily ever after this morning when you were kissing her and had your hands on her ass!” I hissed before shutting my mouth abruptly. I was trying to anger him, but my own jealousy was getting in the way and I'd said more than I should. I had to end this discussion and escape before he could guess how much I really did care.
“Jealous, are you?” Conal responded with a knowing grin.
“No!” I yelled, but I knew my words had betrayed me. I was jealous.
Conal smiled triumphantly. “Relax Charlotte. Rachel and I, it's nothing serious.”
“I don't give a damn about who you're seeing. Go away and leave me alone.” I turned away, stomping down the street and determined to go home.
Conal fell into stride beside me. “Charlotte, for Christ's sake, tell me the truth! Why are you doing this? No more lies, no more deception, no more changing the subject. Don't keep goading me into losing my temper, it's not going to work. I know you still love me! I know I'm still in love with you!”
“I'm not in love with you!”
Conal grasped my shoulder and wrenched me around to face him. “So if I was to kiss you now, you wouldn't feel anything at all? Is that what you're saying?”
I glanced away, alarmed by the suggestion and trying to hide from his piercing gaze. “No!”
Conal captured my chin in his fingers, tilting my head so he could see my eyes. “You don't have any feelings for me at all?” he demanded.
I forced the lie out between my teeth. “No.”
He pulled me into his arms and stared me, searching my eyes for the truth. His mouth hovered over mine, his body so close that I could swear I heard his heart pounding in the still evening air. “Liar,” he whispered. His lips slammed down against mine and I squeezed my eyes shut, determined not to react. Conal continued his offensive, rubbing his tongue across my lips and attempting to gain access to my mouth. I fought against the overwhelming need to wrap my arms around him, forcing my arms to remain limply at my sides. When I didn't yield, Conal changed tack. His kisses softened, becoming gentle whispers against my mouth, my cheek, teasing the sensitive skin on my neck. His hands caressed my hips, traced up my spine, then his fingers trailed a path around my body until he captured my left breast in one palm. “Give in, Charlotte,” he whispered huskily. He teased my nipple with one finger and kissed me again, teeth nipping at my lower lip as he sought entrance.
Even through two layers of
coat, his touch was electrifying and I moaned, parting my lips. Conal reacted instantly, gaining the access he'd wanted with a sharp groan of his own. My body betrayed me, my arms snaking up to wrap around Conal's neck, twisting my fingers through his hair as I drew him closer, needing his body against mine.
Conal growled low in his chest and deepened the kiss further, his lips and tongue reacquainting themselves with every minuscule part of my mouth. His hands tenderly rubbed my back, holding me as close as he could against his own body.
We remained entwined together for a long, long time. When he did release my lips, I slumped against him, burying my head against his broad chest.
“Now tell me you don't love me,” Conal whispered against my hair.
“I can't,” I moaned, tears rolling down my cheeks and dampening Conal's sweater. “God help me, I can't.”
“Charlotte, it's going to be okay,” Conal said huskily. “I know you're still grieving. I know you miss Lucas. I promise, we'll take this slowly. I'm not suggesting we move in together or anything crazy like that…”
I wrenched away, knowing what he was suggesting was impossible. “I can't, Conal! I can't love you!”
“Why?” he demanded, anguish filling his eyes. “Why the hell not?”
The carefully constructed dam broke and everything I'd been holding inside for weeks came pouring out. “Because if Archangelo finds out he'll kill you too! He'll take you away from me, just like he did to Lucas! I can't do it! I can't bear to lose you! We're fighting this war and I don't know if you can survive it or if I'll survive it and I don't want to be left without you too! When I thought you were dead…” I sobbed brokenly, “…when I thought you were dead I was dying inside. I don't want to take that risk again!”
“Charlotte,” Conal reached for me, but I roughly pushed him away.
“No! It doesn't make any difference, anyway. There isn't a future for us. You have to marry a werewolf. I don't meet the criteria. This is only going to end in heartache for us both if we pursue it.”
“I don't care,” Conal said huskily, his eyes filled with pain. “I want you! I've only ever wanted you.”
I watched him for a minute, tears running down my cheeks in twin streams of distress. “It doesn't matter what you want now,” I responded dully. “You'll end up hating me.” I inhaled a deep breath, looked up into his handsome face and released the truth I'd been trying to conceal. “Conal, I'm pregnant. It's Lucas's baby.”
I turned and sprinted down the street, not wanting to see hatred in his eyes.
Chapter 11: Perspective
Persistent knocking woke me the following morning and I sat up in bed groggily. I'd endured a sleepless night, unable to settle after the confrontation with Conal. Rowena sat with me throughout the long hours of darkness until I finally drifted into an uneasy doze around five in the morning. At least I hadn't had a nightmare, I congratulated myself.
I checked the clock, discovered it was a little after eight, later than my usual time and I guessed Rowena and Ben had already left for the day.
There was a note on the bedside table confirming Rowena and Ben had gone. Rowena had added a postscript, saying Epi had been advised I wasn't well. She'd signed off with kisses and urged me to take the whole day off.
Whoever was bashing at the door evidently didn't get the message I was supposed to be left in peace. I stumbled out of bed and headed downstairs, endeavoring to ignore the bout of nausea churning in my gut.
The knocking persisted, getting louder as I approached. “Alright, alright,” I grumbled. If it was Epi standing outside, I was going to kill him.
I wrenched open the door and froze, staring up into Conal's face.
“I was beginning to think you'd snuck out,” he announced. “Rowena said you weren't well and were staying home for the day.”
“Hold that thought.” I held my hand over my mouth and threw myself up the stairs, two at a time, to make it to the bathroom. Dropping on my knees, I retched into the toilet bowl, then flopped like a limp rag doll onto the floor. The nausea was worse this morning and I groaned inwardly at the idea of this continuing for weeks. It was going to be impossible to keep this secret if I couldn't get the nausea under control, and quickly.
Standing up cautiously, I washed my face, staring at my pale reflection in the mirror. Oh, gack. I thoroughly brushed my teeth, pulled my hair into a ponytail and cautiously walked back downstairs.
Conal met me in the living room, holding out a mug. “Ginger tea. Ben says it's supposed to help?”
“Supposed to.” I took the mug and slumped onto the couch, sipping the hot liquid gratefully. “Thanks.”
Conal sat on the couch beside me, a mug gripped in one hand. I could smell the coffee and my stomach churned again, but a sip of the tea soothed it. “Guess you really are pregnant,” he commented calmly.
“Jerome ran the test more than once. It's definite,” I agreed.
Conal sipped his coffee. “Ben caught up with me last night after you took off. Warned me you're keeping it secret. If you keep puking like that though, you're going to struggle to keep it quiet for long.”
“I know,” I said. “I don't want everyone knowing for now, not if I can help it.” I wriggled on the couch until I was facing him, my legs tucked beneath my bottom. “I assume you're here to collect your coat.” When I ran off last night, I'd still been wearing it. I assumed that was why Conal was here and while I was grateful for his politeness, the air was thick with tension between us.
“I'm here to talk to you.” Conal placed his mug on the coffee table and slanted himself towards me.
“I thought you'd never talk to me again,” I muttered, wrapping my hands around the mug.
Conal brushed a stray curl away from my face. “I don't hate you, Charlotte.”
I looked up, studying his face for a moment. “I thought you would. I didn't think you could forgive me.”
“For what? Being pregnant isn't a crime,” he pointed out evenly. “I have to admit; I do need some time to get my head around it.” He reached for his mug, picking it up and sipping from it before he spoke again. “I've swapped out with Nick on the next trip stateside. I'm leaving in an hour.”
I nodded thoughtfully, relieved he wasn't abandoning me after the revelation I'd thrown at him last night but still cautious. “I can understand that.”
“I'll be back in three days; we'll talk more then. But before I go, I wanted to work through a few of those issues you mentioned.” He shook his head at the memory. “I wish you'd told me about the things that are worrying you, instead of avoiding me. You've been screwing with my head for weeks now.”
“Guess it's the pregnancy hormones,” I admitted wryly. “That's the only excuse I have.”
Conal smiled. “Don't go getting the idea I'll let you use that excuse for everything.”
“What did you want to talk about?” I questioned.
Conal took my hand in his, squeezing my fingers. “Charlotte, I know how frightened you are. Hell, we're all frightened. You must realize hiding your fears away won't solve anything. Archangelo is out to get all of us, it's not just me.”
I opened my mouth, intent on repeating my reasoning, but Conal rubbed his thumb over my hand. “Hear me out, Charlotte. Archangelo is crazy, we all know it. If he finds out I'm still alive, it isn't going to change a thing. He wants me dead, just like he wants all of us dead. Sure, he might gun a bit harder for me, but it won't make much difference in the scheme of things.” He gazed at me for a long moment, his eyes tender. “Knowing that - if it's a choice between spending time with you, knowing I'll die happy, or enduring the way we've been for the past eight weeks – I know which one I want. Wouldn't it be better to spend this time grasping any happiness that comes your way, rather than worrying about what might happen?”
I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to look at things from his point of view and remained silent. I wasn't sure I could do what he was suggesting, didn't think I had it in me to risk my heart a s
econd time.
“All of life includes risk, Charlotte. If you hadn't found yourself in this crazy situation, you could have met some normal guy, gotten married, had a couple of kids and not had a care in the world. And one morning he could have left for work and got hit by a truck in a freak accident. Being alive involves risks, Sugar. We have to live in the moment - we can't dwell on the what if's and maybe's. For starters, it's not healthy and secondly, you'll wake up one day and wonder what you missed out on, because you've spent your whole life protecting yourself from shit that never happened, and discover you've grown old and miserable because you shut yourself off from the beautiful things you could have experienced.”
I opened my eyes to seek his and knew he could see the terror in mine. “Losing Lucas… I'm terrified, Conal. I can't help it.”
Conal brushed his fingertips across my cheek, his skin warm. “I know, Sugar, I know. It's the same way I feel every time you go out there and fight. I know it's only been eight weeks and things are tough for you. I'm begging you, whether we sort this thing out between us, or not – don't shut me out. Please? You're still my best friend, I miss you.”
I nodded silently.
The tension in his shoulders relaxed and Conal drained his coffee mug before he spoke again. “I shouldn't have kissed you last night,” he admitted. He grinned when he caught what I imagined was a shocked look on my face. “Not because I didn't want to - hell, that's all I've ever wanted. But it wasn't fair to you – not when you're still grieving. I did it anyway, because I needed to prove to myself that you still had feelings for me.”
I was blushing furiously. “I still have feelings,” I admitted.
“That much was obvious,” Conal agreed with a triumphant grin.
I focused on him, doubts still pouring through my mind. “It doesn't make any difference. I'm not a werewolf.”
Conal gazed at me, his expression serious. “I told you once I couldn't give up the pack for you,” he said huskily. “That was a lie. I don't think I can give you up for the pack.”
The Knowledge of Love Page 8