The Last Adventure of Constance Verity

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The Last Adventure of Constance Verity Page 4

by A. Lee Martinez

Sometimes, being a detective had its perks.

  He said, “I get it. Why do we make such a big deal about our jobs? Like they define us. We’re more than that, right? I’m an accountant, myself. People think it’s boring. And it is. But people think I’m boring too because of it.”

  “And are you?” she asked.

  “If I’m being honest . . .” He waggled his hand.

  She laughed. He smiled.

  He had the cutest smile.

  Connie and Byron made out outside her apartment door for a few moments.

  They paused to catch their breath, and he glanced at Dana’s door across the hall. She’d left the coffeehouse hours before while Connie and Byron continued to talk until the place closed down. Then they’d gone to an all-night diner and talked some more. And then they’d ended up here.

  “We could’ve gone to your place,” said Connie. She wished they had. All the bric-a-brac of her complicated life lay inside her apartment, but her place had been closer.

  “I don’t really do stuff like this,” he said. “Ever.”

  She chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’ll respect you in the morning. Would you like to come in?”

  “Are you sure?” he asked. “Not that I’m assuming anything is going to happen, but—”

  “We’re going to have sex,” said Connie. “That is, if you want to.”

  “Of course I want to, but aren’t you worried about moving too fast?”

  “It’s just sex,” she said.

  He made an ambiguous noise. She sometimes forgot that for normal people, sex could be a big deal. Most of Connie’s life had been short-term relationships, casual sex, fly-by-night affairs of convenience.

  She kissed him again, and he pulled her into his arms.

  “Yeah,” he said. “Just sex, right?”

  There was a little wobble in his voice. The poor guy was nervous. It was charming. She was a little nervous herself. Her non-adventure sexual experiences had been a mixed bag. Once you’d made love hiding in the tiger pits of a mad maharajah, a lot of non-adventure sex lost its luster. It wasn’t exactly a fetish, but Connie would’ve felt more comfortable if they’d been under the stars of a steamy jungle.

  This was just sex. Just sex. Nothing but two people testing out each other’s bodies, seeing how they might line up, hoping to hell that they didn’t fuck it up somehow.

  Who was she kidding? She was probably more nervous than him.

  He must’ve sensed her trepidation. His hand, caressing her breast, moved down to her waist. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want.”

  She pulled him tighter, buried her face in his chest. “No, I really want to do this.”

  And she did. More than anything. She liked him, and she wasn’t sure where this was going. It might be a mistake, but it was the kind of mistake she could make without fearing blowing up the universe. The stakes were absurdly low.

  But damn it, she really liked him.

  She pushed open her apartment door, and they moved inside, hands fumbling with each other’s clothes. He did glance around at the mess, probably thinking her a hoarder. Thankfully, it wasn’t difficult to turn his attention back to her. He’d have questions, but those questions could wait.

  In the morning, she’d be off on another perilous adventure, but that was hours away. Right now, right here, all that mattered was him and her.

  He swept her up in his arms. She’d been swept up in many arms in her life, but this time, it felt different. His knees wobbled as he lifted her up, and with unsteady strides and a determined effort not to look strained, he carried her to the bedroom.

  7

  The sex was good. Not Amazon-jungle great. Not the Seven Towers of Vark great. But it was good enough, and she was glad to have it. Afterward, they cuddled, smiling at each other like a couple of idiots.

  “I really like you,” he said.

  She laughed. “I would hope so.”

  He pushed himself up on his elbows. “I have to tell you something.”

  She put a finger to his lips. “No, you don’t.”

  Connie didn’t want to hear it. This wasn’t the time to share secrets. She didn’t need to find out that he was on the run from the mob or that a curse made everyone in his family transform into bears after sex. She didn’t care.

  Byron lowered her finger. “I know who you are. I recognized you when I first saw you at the coffeehouse.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “I was going to, but you didn’t bring it up. You’re probably sick of all the dumb questions people ask once they find out who you are.”

  “You have no idea.”

  “Then we started having a good time, and I couldn’t find the right moment to say anything. I’m sorry. I should’ve said something earlier.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t.” She leaned in and kissed him. “But I’m glad you came clean, too.”

  He smiled. “Why me?”

  “Why not you? It wasn’t planned. Why me?”

  “Same thing, I guess.”

  “Let’s not overthink it,” she said. “Let’s just enjoy it.”

  “Sure. Okay.” There was some disappointment in his voice.

  She found his insecurity endearing. She tended to sleep with guys who were full of themselves. Gorgeous superspies and dashing monster hunters didn’t tend to invest in their one-night stands. She wasn’t much different.

  Byron didn’t live that life.

  “It’s not like that,” she said. “I mean, it could be like that. If that’s all you want. I’m not trying to make this into more than it is, but what it is is pretty sweet. I like you. I needed this. Puts everything in perspective. I’ve been thinking about making a change lately, and this is the kind of thing I’m trying to have more of.”

  “But with all the stuff you’ve done—”

  “All that stuff, the adventures, the constant danger, the exotic locations. It’s like everything else. It becomes ordinary in a way. Believe it or not, this is probably the biggest adventure I’ve been on in a while.”

  “Careful,” he said. “You’ll give me a big head.”

  She kissed him on the neck and threw her leg over him. “You’ve earned it.”

  They made love again, and while it wasn’t as passionate as the time she’d been seduced by the Iron King of the Lost Realms, nor as exhilarating as when she’d had that fling in zero gravity, it was somehow more memorable.

  The next morning, they took a shower together. They ate a hasty breakfast she threw together.

  “Will I see you again?” he asked.

  “Do you want to see me again?”

  “Are you kidding?”

  Connie said, “Byron, you need to understand something. Being involved with me can get complicated. I don’t have a lot of luck with guys like you. I don’t trust easily. Last night, I checked to see if you had extensive plastic surgery scarring or were an alien at least seven times.”

  “Is that why you poked me with your fork hard enough to draw blood?”

  She winced. “Yeah. Sorry about that. I had to be sure.”

  “I’m not any of those things,” he said. “Nor am I a secret assassin or a clone of Hitler come back for my revenge.”

  “How did you know about clone Hitler?”

  He laughed before realizing she wasn’t joking.

  “Wait. There is a Hitler clone out to get revenge on you?”

  “A few,” she said. “Every time I kill one, seems like two more take his place.”

  “Wow. I knew you lived a strange life. I never thought it was that strange.”

  “It’s not all Frankenstein monsters and Mongolian hordes from space,” she said, “but there’s some baggage. And I’m always off doing some crazy dangerous thing. It makes having any kind of ongoing friendship with anyone difficult. I’m working on it. If all goes as planned, I might be normal eventually.”

  “I don’t care if you’re normal, Connie. I just thought we had a great time, and I’d
like to see you again. You don’t have to let me down easy if you’re not interested. I’m a grown man.”

  “No, I’m interested.”

  “So, we’ll take it slow,” he said.

  “Little late for that, isn’t it? Slow isn’t how I normally do things.”

  “It’ll be a nice change of pace, then.”

  He had her there.

  “We’ll go slow, then,” she said.

  “Terrific. How about dinner tonight?”

  “That’s slow?”

  He hugged her. He didn’t have the powerful arms of a barbarian prince, but he had something. Whatever it was, she wanted more of it, but it also scared her. She wasn’t used to being scared.

  Tia knocked on the door. Right on time. Of course she was.

  “I’d love to have dinner but I’m in the middle of something; but when I get back, I’ll call you. I swear.”

  He didn’t ask any questions. Either he didn’t believe her or he’d accepted that trying to date Connie meant explanations weren’t always readily available.

  Connie opened the door, and Tia stood there with several suitcases and a fully stocked hiking backpack.

  “Tia, Byron. Byron, Tia,” said Connie as she half-pushed him out the door. She wasn’t eager to get rid of him, and if Tia wasn’t here, she might have even put this off. But if it worked, she’d be a regular person and be in a better position to date someone like Byron.

  “Nice to meet you,” said Tia.

  “You, too.”

  “Yes, it’s very nice for everyone to meet everyone,” said Connie as she pushed Tia inside and hastily threw the suitcases into the apartment. “I swear I’m not blowing you off, Byron. I will call you. Soon.”

  He nodded, slightly bewildered, as she gave him one last kiss and started to close the door.

  “Oh, and just so you know, I have an evil twin, and she has a tendency to sleep with my boyfriends.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “So, I’m a boyfriend already?”

  “No, but she might not know that. Just something I let all the guys I’m dating know.”

  “Now you’re just screwing with me.”

  “I told you, Byron. My life is complicated. If you change your mind by the time I call you, I’ll understand. In the meantime, if I show up with an inexplicable Yugoslavian accent, walk away.”

  “Okay. Thanks for the tip,” he said just as the door clicked shut.

  Tia said nothing. She only stood there, smiling.

  “It just happened,” said Connie. “Don’t start.”

  “I’m not starting,” said Tia. “I’m just surprised. Here I spent the morning packing for a globe-spanning adventure, and you were here. With Byron. Letting things just happen. Are you sure he’s a regular person?”

  “Reasonably sure.”

  She could never be certain, but so far, he hadn’t done anything suspicious, which was in itself sort of suspicious. She switched off her paranoia. She didn’t have time for it.

  “Why do you have so many suitcases?” asked Connie.

  “I have more stuff in my car,” she said.

  “What for?” asked Connie.

  “Aren’t we going on an adventure? Wasn’t sure what I’d need. Aren’t you the one who is always preaching the value of being prepared?”

  “It’s been fifteen years since I followed that philosophy. Now I mostly wing it.”

  “You’re telling me I didn’t need to get up early today and pack for every conceivable scenario?”

  “Every scenario? How many suitcases did you pack?”

  “Nine or ten.”

  “Do you have a gas mask in all that?”

  Tia frowned. “No. Am I going to need one?”

  “Probably not. Have a gun?”

  “You never carry a gun.”

  “How about a bottle of ketchup?”

  “You can’t tell me that you’ve ever needed ketchup to save the day.”

  Connie smiled enigmatically.

  “Fine,” said Tia. “I threw a bunch of stuff together because I didn’t know what I’d need. Meanwhile, you’ve been letting things just happen. Are you sure you’re up for this? Need a day to recover?”

  “I once went a week straight without sleeping in a duel of death with a sniper in the deltas of Cambodia. I think I’ll manage.”

  Tia removed her backpack and, with a relieved sigh, set it next to a precarious stack of boxes that might topple over any moment. “Maybe you should get another butler. Or a manservant. What happened to the old butler, anyway? Jenkins was his name, right?”

  “He was part of a secret society.”

  “I thought that was why you hired him.”

  “No, another secret society. A bad one. Wanted to prepare the Earth for alien invasion or blow up New Jersey. Or something.”

  “How many secret societies are there?”

  “I’ve stopped counting, and a surprising number of them want to blow up New Jersey. Hell if I know why. That’s why they’re secret societies. They don’t tend to share their mission statement. He tried to steal a magic idol I had stowed around here. We had a knife fight on a rooftop. He stumbled and fell to his death.”

  “But when I asked you what happened to him, you said, ‘He took a long trip.’ ”

  Connie smiled.

  Tia groaned. “Oh, God, I just got that now. Don’t take this the wrong way, Connie, but I think I know where your trust issues come from.”

  “They’re not issues. I just assume my closest allies will betray me when it serves their purposes.”

  “Oh, I know. How many times have you jabbed me with a fork over the years?”

  “It’s only being prudent,” replied Connie. “You understand.”

  “Just one of the joys of being your friend. So, what’s up with this Byron guy?”

  “Nothing much. It wasn’t planned, but it just felt right.”

  “He seemed nice the two seconds I was allowed to talk to him.”

  “He is nice. And smart. And cute. And a regular person.”

  “How did you end up with him, then?”

  Connie started poking through boxes for the item they would need to begin her last adventure. “I can end up with normal guys.”

  “For a night, sure,” said Tia, “but do you actually plan on calling him?”

  “I don’t know. Yes?” Connie grabbed an ancient relic, and thunder rattled the apartment windows. She tossed it aside. “I want to.”

  “Buuuuuut?”

  “But . . . Y’know how it is. It was a good night, but that’s probably all it was.”

  “Only one way to find out if it can be more,” said Tia.

  “You think I should, then?” asked Connie.

  “You promised you would, and didn’t you swear an oath to never break your word?”

  Connie moved aside a ray gun and several bottles of dried wolfsbane. She needed to organize this stuff better.

  “I’m an adventurer, not a Boy Scout.”

  Tia dug through her pack for a bottle of water and twisted off the cap. “I still think you should call him.”

  “I have water,” said Connie. “Comes straight out of the tap with a turn of a knob. Like magic.”

  Tia shrugged. “I don’t drink tap.”

  “Oh, you’ll make a dandy sidekick.”

  “I think you should call him. Oath or no oath.”

  Connie opened a mysterious case, and the phoenix feather within burst into bright blue flame as its spirit shrieked in the throes of its rebirth. She slammed the case shut and interrupted the process. “Now, where the hell did I put that key? You really think I should? But what if this doesn’t work? What if I can’t be normal?”

  “It’ll work,” said Tia. “And if it doesn’t, who gives a shit? He’s different than most the guys you’ve had. Even the ordinary ones.”

  “Gleaned that from the two seconds you talked to him?”

  “Call it intuition.”

  “I have intuition,” said Con
nie.

  “You’re too close to the situation. That’s why you need to borrow mine. And I say you’ll call him.”

  Connie saluted. “Whatever you say, boss.”

  Tia offered to help Connie look, but it was better for her to avoid touching things. It took Connie ten minutes to find what she needed. The large, antique key glittered like polished silver. The True Key could open any door between worlds. It’d been sitting between the haunted skull of Marie Antoinette and that weird alien thingamabob that beeped once exactly every seventy-one hours, under the real Shroud of Turin.

  “All set,” said Connie. “But first things first. If you want to come with me, you’ve got to prove you’re not dead weight.”

  “Okay. What do you want me to do?”

  “Hit me.”

  “What?”

  “Hit me. Take a swing.”

  Tia laughed. “I’m not going to hit you.”

  “I know you’re not, but if you’re going to convince me to let you tag along, I need you to try.”

  “What’s that going to prove?”

  “It’ll prove you can take care of yourself. I don’t know what’s around the corner, but I can guarantee that if you can’t hit me, you can’t handle it.”

  “There are more ways to handle a tricky situation than simply violence.”

  “That’s what people who are wimps tell themselves so they don’t feel like wimps.”

  “But you said it just the other day.”

  “I’m good at violence, so I can get away with it. I’m not endorsing it. I’ll always seek the nonviolent solution when I can, but sometimes, it’s not an option. Sometimes, you have to beat the shit out of a bad guy because he doesn’t give you any other choice. Now show me what you’ve got.”

  “I’m not helpless,” said Tia. “I’ve taken some self-defense courses.”

  “Punching a guy in a foam suit isn’t the same as what you might be facing out there.” Connie paused. “I was going to say the real world, but it’s not exactly. I don’t expect you to fight twenty-foot-tall slime creatures, but if there are regular people, I need to know you can handle yourself. Come at me or get left behind.”

  Tia charged, hoping to catch Connie off guard. Connie stepped aside, and Tia fell flat on her face.

  “You’re going to have to do better than that,” said Connie.

 

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