by R. N. Snow
“Good day, ma’am.”
“Good day, Cait. I’ve heard your name often enough within my walls. You must have made a huge impression on my babies. Even my Jeremy is becoming less of a hermit. Welcome.”
What do I say to something like that? “Thank you, ma’am.”
“Yeah. Jeremy, get the bags in the trunk. Cait, you can help me take these groceries in.”
I take the two paper bags she hands me and make my way inside. Then I put them on the counter in the kitchen. Jeremy meets me there. He’s carrying the bags. “What are those?” I ask.
“Frozen chicken and fishes. Mom likes to buy them in bulk and store in her deep freezer after washing them. She says it saves her going to the market often. Career woman problems,” he chuckles, doing the zip sign across his mouth with his fingers.
After dropping the foodstuff, I go back to sit in the living room. Jeremy comes in a few minutes later. “Hey Cait! Let’s go up to my room.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Absolutely. We’re just going to play chess and then talk if you want. I meant to say, I’m just going to thrash you at chess.”
“Hahaha! Like I said the other day, ‘prepare to be surprised.’ Where’s Georgie?”
“She’s sleeping. She should be awake soon.”
“Alright. Let’s go up then.”
His room isn’t what I expect. In Tyler and Charlie’s rooms, it is easy to know that males are the occupants. But not so with Jeremy. There are no posters of rock musicians, gangsters, or even role models. The walls are neat, without a single stain or any design of sorts. And there is no clutter anywhere. He has a shelf that contains books upon books, all arranged according to size. There’s also a stereo in the room that belts out slow music in low tones.
He sets the chessboard on his table and tells me to sit on the chair, while he goes to get another chair from Georgia’s room. When he comes back in less than a minute, we begin playing immediately. It is a game that gets us very worked up. I’m trying to prove that I can beat him at least once, and he’s trying to make sure I don’t. He seems to know my every move before I make it, shadowing my pieces back-to-back.
Five times, I go against him with my white pieces, and five times, he checkmates me in flawless victory. The sixth time, however, my luck changes. I see an opening, and with heightened anticipation, I go for it.
“Checkmate,” I crow triumphantly.
He begins to clap, smiling.
“I did it. I freaking did it! Where’s my reward?”
“Close your eyes and wait for it,” he says.
I close my eyes. What are you up to, Jeremy?
Dammit! I’m in heaven. I’ve dreamt of this for months, both literally and figuratively. But nothing, absolutely nothing, prepared me for this moment. Shock waves course through my body as his lips gently make contact with mine. As if they have a mind of their own, my lips respond, parting open, inviting him in. He accepts the invitation; his tongue snakes inside my mouth and flicks around. It finds mine, and they both do a happy dance. I’m moaning gently, but I don’t want to stop. I grab Jeremy’s hair and pull him towards me. The chessboard and its pieces tumble down, but we don’t stop. I don’t know how long this goes on for, but it seems like an eternity. And then, just the way it started, it stops. Jeremy pulls back, breaking the kiss. We’re both staring at each other and panting.
“My gosh!” I say, smiling.
“Yeah, right. Sorry I did that.”
“Sorry you did what? We both did it, and we both enjoyed it.”
“Wow! Caitlyn, your lips are so soft! Fucking hell! I could do this all day. Let me confess, I’ve been thinking about kissing you since we met at the bookstore. It’s as if you’ve awoken something in me. What have you done to me?”
“Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been thinking about this too.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“Caitlyn?”
“Yeah?”
“I like you. I mean, I want you. Sorry, I want to be your boyfriend. There, I finally said it. Will you go out with me?”
“Oh Jeremy!” I cover my face with my hands. My crush is actually asking me to be his girlfriend. What are the odds? I’ve daydreamed about this, even created scenarios in my head, but pushed them off as wishful thinking. Now, look what’s happening. That wishful thinking has become a reality, a reality sweeter than my imagination could ever create.
“Caitlyn? Please, say something.”
I slowly take down my hands. “Yes, Jeremy. I’ll be your girlfriend. I come with a lot of baggage though, as you well know. My mood fluctuates like a faulty bulb. I can be unreasonable at times. Are you sure about this?”
“Listen, Caitlyn. I’ve known you for more than three months now. I’ve spent time with you. You’ve cried on my shoulder; heck, we’ve even fought a couple of times. I thought about all of this before making up my mind, so yeah, I’m very sure about this. And I’m glad you said yes. I look forward to being that guy for you.”
You don’t know the half of it. I feel privileged to be your girlfriend.
“Can we kiss to this?” he asks.
For an answer, I get up and go sit on his lap. I’m his girlfriend, so I might as well act the part. Then I wrap my arms around his neck and lean in. We are lost in a world of our own, but we are soon interrupted by Georgia.
“Jeremy. Did you come into my—My God!”
We leap apart, and I get off Jeremy’s lap. Georgia is standing in the doorway, her mouth shaped into an O of surprise. She walks into the room and sits on the bed. “Where was I when this happened?”
“When what happened?” Jeremy asks her.
“When my friend and brother started dating, duh.”
I find my voice. “Actually Georgie, he just asked me to be his girlfriend.”
“And from all indications, you said yes. I had a bet with myself. And now I owe myself ice cream.” She is grinning in satisfaction. I’m not surprised. I know that she’s instrumental to my getting close to Jeremy in the first place.
“Silly girl,” Jeremy laughs, and she reaches forward and ruffles his hair.
“Actually, while we’re on the matter, I’m seeing someone, too.”
“Huh? Since when? Who?” I ask. Charlie would be heartbroken. I told him to talk to her, but now someone else has gotten there first.
“Since two days ago. He asked me two days ago, and I said yes yesterday.”
“Who is he?” I persist.
“Guess.”
“Oh, come on. How would I know?”
“You know him.”
“Wait.” It can’t be. He couldn’t have. Or could he? “Charlie?”
“Exactly. Charlie.”
“Wow! So, he did it.”
“Yeah, he did it.” At my questioning look, she explains. “He told me everything. About how he’d been crushing on me for ages and how y’all persuaded him to go for it.”
“What a day, huh?” Jeremy finally speaks. “I suggest we drink to this, right?”
“Right.”
“I’ll be right back.” He leaves the room.
“Georgie, I’m nervous. This is something I’m not used to.”
“Me neither. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act around Charlie. But one thing’s for sure; all we need do is give it time. With time, you’ll feel like you’ve known him forever. You won’t even think twice about jumping between the sheets with him.”
“Georgie!”
“What? It’s bound to happen if two people are in a relationship. Don’t be a prude.”
“I’m not. In fact, whatever. Till then.”
“Yeah. Till then.”
Jeremy comes back in with a bottle of wine and three glasses. He pops it with a cork and pours ea
ch of us a glass. “To new relationships and stronger bonds.”
We toast to his words and sit down, drinking. Georgia tells me to make sure I turn him away from being a recluse. I promise I will, and the three of us laugh, with Jeremy saying that he’ll like to see me try.
Jeremy picks up the chessboard and pieces and takes turns playing with Georgia and I. He beats us both times. It is almost 8:00 p.m. when Jeremy drives me home, but surprisingly, Hazel does not make a fuss. My day ends on a very happy note.
CHAPTER TWENTY
November 2000
All of a sudden, my life has been turned around. I have recently been diagnosed with depression. For three days now, I’ve been cooped up in this room, refusing to talk to anyone. It all started when I began experiencing unexplainable mood changes. One minute I’m crying, and the next minute, I’m the happiest person in the room. Sometimes, I snap at Noah for no reason and even accuse him of things my rational self knows that he can never do. How do I train up my children if I’m a physical and emotional wreck? Sometimes when they want something and are being typical children by whining or crying, I want to shake them until their bones are rattling inside their head. My once-perfect world has been turned upside down. If not for Noah, I would have given up on everything a long time ago. He’s been bringing me food and taking care of the children while I sit in here all day. I cannot believe that just a few years ago, I was the happiest person I know. How I came to be diagnosed with depression is what I don’t think I can ever explain nor understand. The doctors say that it is probably postpartum depression, but I don’t agree with them. Even before Caitlyn’s birth four months ago, I’ve been experiencing these symptoms; I’d just never gone to the hospital. I need to rest my head now. I’ve not touched my baby in three days. Life sucks.
My relationship with Jeremy has been going along nicely. We went to the movies in his car last week. Funny enough, we did more kissing and groping of each other than seeing the movie. I think I love him. He puts up with my craziness without complaining. And he teaches me a lot of things. Thanks to him, I have become a voracious reader.
Presently, I’m at Leah’s with the gang. I have just told them that I’m going out with Jeremy Reynolds. Leah knew a day after it happened though, because I told her everything.
“Liar, liar pants on fire,” Hanna says. “Jeremy never notices anyone. Stop dreaming.”
“She’s not. They’re boyfriend and girlfriend,” says Charlie.
Leah is painting her toenails black and raising her head to look at us at intervals.
“And you know this how, brother mine?”
“Georgie told me.”
“Georgie? Wait, you both have become that close, huh?”
Leah stops painting. I am waiting for the other shoe, which I know about, to drop. And it does.
“Yes, we have. She’s my girlfriend.”
“What? How?” screams Leah. She is as astonished as Hanna looks.
“Simple. You girls encouraged me to go for it. I did and that was that. Ask Caitlyn if I’m lying.”
They turn to look at me. I shrug.
“Wait. You both are dating people, siblings as a matter of fact, and we’re just finding out?” asks Hanna, a very incredulous look on her face. Though Leah says nothing, I know she’s surprised to hear that Charlie is dating Georgia.
“It just happened, Hanna. I was not planning to keep it a secret, and I suppose Charlie wasn’t either. Right, Charlie?”
“Right.”
“Congratulations to you both then. What is being in a relationship like?”
We talk about our different relationships and how we’re coping with people that used to be strangers to us. Leah and Hanna tease us, asking if we’ve started having sex yet.
I say that it’s too early for me. Charlie says, “Hell no! Get off my dick.” Crazy boy, our Charlie.
We discuss boys, girls, and relationships until it’s very late. Hanna and Charlie say that they’re sleeping over at Leah’s, so I go home.
I’m in the shower, singing a song whose artist I’ve forgotten, when I get the flashback that changes everything.
Tyler and I are at the mall, looking for provisions and putting the ones we find into the trolley we have with us. I am about fourteen years old. We get to the register, and Tyler hands the cashier the money. Then, we walk to the bus stop to wait for a bus. Two older girls are having a conversation. They are in the middle of it when we get to them, but something stands out from the rest of their discussion.
The first girl says, “I just always forget. You’ll think it’s someone else that put the password. Sometimes I write my passwords down, but then I lose the papers while trying to hide them from deciphering eyes.”
“See, I used to have that problem before, till I discovered passwords that you can’t ever forget; your name or that of a loved one or your date of birth.”
“Really. That’s a brilliant idea. I’ve been using random things. I’ll do this next—”
I quickly shut off the water and jump out of the tub, not minding the fact that there are still soap suds on some parts of my body. I reach for my nightie and without even bothering to clean up, I put it on. Grabbing the diary from my table, I sit on the bed.
Please, let this work. Please let this work. I don’t know Mom’s birthdate although several guesses would give me the right one, so I hold my breath, hoping that I don’t have to try all of those guesses again.
I set the diary keypad to alphabets instead of numbers, and I type in A-P-R-I-L. The diary snaps open with a click. Wow! Wow! Wow! This is unbelievable. For five months, I’ve been trying to get this diary to open.
My body breaks into a cold sweat as I turn the front cover of the diary. I don’t know what I’m going to see, but if there was nothing not so pleasant, my siblings wouldn’t have been hiding things from me.
On the first page, it says, “APRIL HOFFMAN’S TRUSTY BUDDY.” I turn the next page. It reads as follows:
April 1993
This is my first entry in my diary. I got this diary as a gift from Mom for my birthday. My thoughts, hopes, and aspirations will be put down here, away from prying eyes. I’m glad it’s a modern type, with passwords and all. I don’t have much to say now. But I will soon. Until then...
I turn the page. The next entry says “1994.” For someone who was excited about her new diary, she doesn’t seem to write much. Her entries in this year are mainly about school, how she’s a cheerleader but does not have any friends, and her wish to find a man to sweep her off her feet.
I keep flipping, sometimes reading halfway through some entries and skipping to the next page. I want to know when things started going wrong and if she makes any mention of what happened.
In 1995, she met Dad. According to her entry, “It was love at first sight. It might sound very cliché, but that is what happened.”
Another one dated “1995.”
Dad’s team won, and they went to a Jason Brooke’s house to party. Mom passed out from smoking and drinking, but before then, she saw Jason and her sister making out.
I keep turning. The next entry that catches my interest happens in 1996 and starts with, “A week before turning seventeen, I wake up feeling nauseated.” I read further and see that Mom got impregnated by Dad. She tried getting an abortion but couldn’t. Her father found out and asked her to leave his house, so she moved in with Dad in his family house.
I keep turning the pages, reading the entries in a frenzied state. She talks about life in Dad’s house and waiting for the baby. She also later finds out that Deserae is pregnant. Deserae says that Jason is responsible and it happened the night of their victory party, but Jason denies it. With Noah’s help, they get Deserae a place to stay until she gives birth. She’s planning to put the baby up for adoption and continue with school, because she’s not ready to be a mother, especially a s
ingle one.
I stop cold at the next entry.
April 1996
The day started like any other day. But it is ending horribly. I’ve had a miscarriage. I was in the kitchen when I felt an unusual wetness on my panties. I ran into the toilet and saw a lot of blood. It was so terrifying that I screamed. Noah and Dale rushed me to the hospital, but there was nothing they could to do save my baby. I’m so devastated. I feel like I’ve failed as a mother.
So, she lost the baby after everything. I feel sad that she had to pass through that. We would have been four if it hadn’t happened. I wonder what the baby would have looked like and if it would have been a girl or a boy. I keep reading.
August 1996
Noah and I are just coming from the hospital. We went to take food to Deserae. She gave birth this morning to a beautiful baby girl. The baby is so adorable. Deserae is already talking about adoption. We told her to get her strength back first before talking about anything. I am crying as I write this. I looked forward to having my baby, but that did not happen. And here is someone that doesn’t want hers, getting a beautiful baby to boot.
September 1996
Deserae is going back to school. Noah and I talked about the possibility of adopting the baby. We told Deserae about it, and she was ecstatic. She said that it’ll be a privilege for us to be the adoptive parents of her daughter. She also promised not to lay claims in future. We told her that even when official papers have been signed, she can see her daughter anytime.
February 1998
Noah and I got married 21 February this year. It was the best day of my life. After the reception, Noah carried me across the threshold into our new home. We had to work twice as hard and save like misers to make a down payment for this place we now call home. It is not huge, but it is modest, and for now, it will do.
November 2000
All of a sudden, my life has been turned around. I have recently been diagnosed with depression. For three days now, I’ve been cooped up in this room, refusing to talk to anyone. It all started when I began experiencing unexplainable mood changes. One minute I’m crying, and the next minute, I’m the happiest person in the room. Sometimes, I snap at Noah for no reason and even accuse him of things my rational self knows that he can never do. How do I train up my children if I’m a physical and emotional wreck?