“You and I have had some great times in the last fifteen years.” I shimmied my rings off my finger and held them in my hand, running my fingers over them. His eyes studied me, tears slowly falling down his cheek. “I can’t do this anymore. I’ve fought hard over the last two months to make sense of our marriage. I’ve cried a lot, yes. I’ve touched base with my inner self and got deep with my emotions. I had to figure out the difference of love. The love I have for you is from Kate. I’ll always have some sort of love for the father of our child. The love I needed from you, to touch my heart and mend it together, wasn’t there anymore. There’s only so many sorrys I could hear. There’re only so many ‘it’ll get better’ or ‘we’ll make it work’ or ‘I’ll change’. My ears can only hear so much before I can’t anymore. It doesn’t work, Brian. Our love has faded for some time now. I thought Florida would be a great re-start, and it ended up being the same ole shit. I knew I had things to work on, and I know I failed at them too. But what you have to realize is, they only work when we both wanted them to. Deep down, a part of me didn’t want them to work anymore. I didn’t want to fix the things that needed help because I feel they only needed help because you thought they did. I know I’m not making much sense probably, but I just can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry, but I knew you needed some closure with me, and this is what I had to say.” I swallowed hard while I grabbed the papers with my other hand and reached them out of my purse. I slid them slowly across the table while I watched his expression on his face fall. It fell so far, tears escaped my eyes. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I couldn’t resist letting him see how hard this was for me, as much as it was for him. I placed the rings on top of the paper and got up out of the booth and slowly walked away. I heard his hand slap down on the table, and him charging after me out of the diner. When I reached my car, he grabbed for my hand, turning me to him.
“Tell me you don’t love me anymore, Millie. Tell me you don’t want me anymore.” He cried, making it difficult for me to see him in this state. He pulled me into a hug and buried his face on my shoulder. I cried just as hard into his chest while I held him tightly.
I whispered softly, “I do love you, Brian, I’m just not in love with you. I’m so sorry.” I sobbed harder, and we held each other. He knew this was the end, and I let him hold me. I wanted to be held. This was our goodbye, and it’s broken me deep inside. Hearing him cry sobs into my shoulder made me for a second think of my decision. I hated seeing him this way, I hated knowing I shattered his heart into pieces, and there was no going back. Not only me, but my heart needed to leave.
I tore apart from his tight hold and quickly got in my car and took off. I couldn’t take any more pain.
Brian
I watched Millie walk away from me, and I felt the stabs go straight through my heart. I couldn’t breathe, and I was acting like a pussy for a guy. I was so strung out on Millie I didn’t see this coming. She didn’t love me anymore? God, it stung so badly. I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to, but the papers staring at me as I sat in my truck made it all real. Sign on these millions of lines before my name, Brian Weaver was stated in bold print with her signature so fresh in ink. I wanted to rip the pages to pieces. Make her hurt like I’m hurting. Sadly, I knew she was hurting, that’s why it killed me even more, but she knew what she was doing, even though she hurt from it, too. She cried in front of me, she hugged me tight like she didn’t want to let go, but she did. I wiped the pussy tears from my eyes and floored it off to the bar. I don’t give two shits anymore, if Millie was out of my life and wanting me to sign divorce papers, I was a free man.
Once I arrived at the bar, it started pouring. To add to my dampened mood, this rain threw me a pity party. I called Tom, and he once again came to my rescue. I was a complete mess. I’m pretty sure I drank everything under the bar. I couldn’t quite see straight, but I wanted more, I needed more. Or so my fucked up brain thought. After I tried convincing Tom I needed more and he didn’t believe me, he dragged me back to his place. I passed out drunker than a skunk.
The sound of the alarm clock dinging in the next room woke me up. I heard footsteps, and then a big bang noise. I kept my eyes closed not wanting to wake up. My head pounded in areas I haven’t felt pound before. The room seemed bright, and I didn’t even have to open my eyes to know it. Tom stumbled in the living room and closed the blinds. The birds chirping outside were making my head hurt from the sound. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Tom plop down on the recliner across from me.
“Dude, I got work in like three hours. Think you’ll be okay to get home?” Tom stared at me scratching his head.
I nodded up and down and sat up on the couch, grabbing my head from the pain I felt. I looked down at my hands and stared at my ring finger, then glanced to the side where the papers sat next to my wallet. I wished I had woken up from a bad dream, but I didn’t. Those papers sitting there made it real, made a real life situation happen to me. I was now a statistic, another couple that couldn’t save their marriage. I gathered my things and after thanking Tom for bringing me to his place, I sought out a cab and went back to my truck to head home. My home, the home I’d now be alone in.
I headed into the front door of the condo building and helped a woman with her key because her hands were full of groceries. I did my good deed for the day with a smile smacked on my face. Once I got in the place, I looked around at the bare walls and the furniture that Millie and I purchased together. Everything had memories of her. I knew I didn’t want to forget them because Kate was involved in this too. She had memories of us, just like I did, and I didn’t want to take anything more away from her. I would just deal.
I flicked my keys on the counter top and had a seat at my kitchen table. I spread the papers in front of me, ripping the staple a part. My teary eyes wandered through page by page. I slumped to the table, resting my elbows on it and played with the black pen in my right hand. I kept pushing the top of the pen, making the nib go in and out. I just stared as memories of us flashed through my mind at each click of the pen. I never thought I’d have to let her go. I fucked up bad this time. There wasn’t any fixing it, she made up her mind. I poured my fucking heart and soul out to her, and she still flipped me the papers. I slapped the pen down and pushed the seat back. My head shook back and forth while I slid my fingers through my now greasy hair. I took a water bottle out of the fridge and downed it. My head was still spinning and pounding, and it hurt like hell. I needed a shower.
Stepping in the shower, I wanted to wash away the pain. I wanted the hot water to warm my soul and comfort me in this messy thing called divorce. The guy in me wanted to waste away my sorrows in alcohol. I knew I couldn’t do that with my new job at the dealership on the line. I couldn’t afford to fuck up my life now. Letting the water pelt my back, soaking through my pores, relaxed me. It didn’t take the papers that sat on my kitchen table away from my thoughts, but eased my mind a little more on signing them. This was what Millie wanted, and I’m going to give her what she wanted and hoped that I eventually got over it. My phone rang on the sink in the bathroom. I finished up and turned the water off, stepping out, I grabbed my towel. I looked at this display, it was my mom.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Brian, I’ve been worried sick. Are you okay?” she asked in her concerned voice.
“I’m okay, Millie served me with divorce papers yesterday, just a little shook up, that’s all. I’m fine, Mom,” I assured her.
Even though I wasn’t fine right now, I knew I would be. Somehow, I knew I would be.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. You and Millie were together a long time, but sometimes love doesn’t last a lifetime.”
I swallowed. “Mine did, Mom, just not hers.” I took a breath. “Look I got to go, I’ll talk to you soon, I love ya.”
“Love you, too, son.” She ended the call.
I dried off and put on some basketball shorts and headed back into the kitchen. I sat down at the table, grabbed t
he pen, but just couldn’t sign. I never thought fifteen years later, I’d be single again. My life with Millie was over, and I didn’t feel good about it at all. I couldn’t sign those papers knowing I didn’t try hard enough to keep her. Was it too late? I didn’t know, but I had to try. They say time will heal all wounds, but so far the only thing time has done, has given me more time to think about how much I’ll miss her.
Chapter 13
"The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt."
-Unknown
Millie
The restaurant was quiet, just how I liked it. It was a small Italian place in town. My knees still were shaky, and I hadn’t eaten since I’ve served Brian the papers yesterday. The heart that pumped inside my body, making me live, melted for Brian every time the image of the expression on his face came into my view. I never wanted to get a divorce. Hell, divorce was never in my vocabulary. It killed me knowing I hurt someone and I hurt myself too. I just had to move on.
My hair was pinned back in a sleek pony tail with a small bump on top. I wore my black leggings and a grey knit sweater dress. Make up was slightly done, mainly to cover under my eyes, where the bags were showing of lack of sleep. I didn’t want them to be worried about me, so I made my best appearance.
I sat at a table close to the window. I watched outside as the snow started coming down, coating the streets. I looked at my watch then back outside, I was a little early. My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I quickly took it out to look. It was Stephanie.
Stephanie: Please don’t hate me. I have to cancel, the weather is getting bad, and I need to pick up the husband, his car won’t start. I hope you have a nice evening with Dean. Call me if you need me, babe.
Okay, so it’s just Dean and me tonight. I could handle that. I glanced out the window again, and those beautiful crystal clear blue eyes stared back at me. His smile widened, showing me those amazing white teeth. He raised his hand and waved at me. Dean pointed towards the door with a goofy grin plastered to his face, then jogged to the entrance. Once he got to my table, he took off his coat and brushed the snow off of it, setting it on the back of the chair. My eyes wandered to his, and I fought hard to keep my tears away. His expression softened, and he extended his arm out to me. I looked up in his eyes, longing for the hug I loved so much. I placed my shaky hand in his and stood up. I slowly slid my arms around his lean waist while he wrapped his strong arms around my shoulders and pulled me tightly.
“You okay?” he whispered in my ear while I rested my head on his chest, holding him snug to me. This was the Dean I missed so much, his hugs, and his affectionate compassion for me. I loved our friendship.
“I gave him the papers,” I whispered back, fighting so hard not to release the ugly sobs that were building in my chest. I didn’t move from his hold, I didn’t want to let go. His hand moved to my back and started rubbing my back, soothing me.
“Oh, Millie, I’m here for you.” He kissed the side of my cheek, and I froze in place. Dean just kissed me. I didn’t know how to react, but the feeling of his soft lips on my cheek made me blush. I looked at him and backed away to sit back at the table, forcing a stray hair behind my ear. Dean smiled and sat across from me while the candle between us illuminated his beautiful clean shaven face.
The waitress came to our table and collected our drink order. I ordered a glass of Pinot Grigio, and Dean did the same.
“Are you going to be okay? How’s Kate with all this?” He took a sip of his wine, keeping his eyes pinned to mine.
“I’m hurting, but I’m going to be okay. I know I made the right decision. Kate is at a friend’s house, and I’m assuming coping in her own way. How are you?” I cocked my head slightly, changing the subject.
He chuckled. “So, I guess now wouldn’t be a good time to hit on you then?” Winking at me, he took another sip of his wine.
“Oh, you think you’re a funny guy, don’t cha?” Playfully I rolled my eyes.
He cleared his throat. “If I wasn’t such a gentlemen I could take full advantage of your vulnerability right now.”
I giggled, thankful he was clearing the tension in the air. “Well, if I knew I wouldn’t regret it in the morning, I might just take you up on that.” I swished around the wine in my glass, feeling good. My body was warm and feeling just enough to ease my mood and take my mind off things with Brian. Dean was looking incredible tonight, dressed in a pair of jeans and black button down dress shirt.
Dean raised his brow and placed his glass down. “I’ll be right back.” His eyes stared into mine as he left the table and headed off. I sipped my wine till I realized there was nothing left to sip. We haven’t even ordered our dinner yet, but somehow the wine was making up for not eating at the moment. My mind raced with thoughts from my past with Dean. Why were we so stupid? I held this dumb grudge thinking he’d come to me, and he never did. I wondered now why he hadn’t, and wished he could tell me. The waitress had come back and filled my wine glass again. I immediately drank some more and got lost in thought. Memories of Brian and me flashed through my mind, then went back to memories with Dean.
I apparently was deep in thought because I didn’t realize Dean was standing next to me till he placed his hand gently on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
“Would you like to dance with me?” His eyes, those freaking eyes, gave me hope in Dean again. I grabbed his hand gently and immediately felt the buzz go through my head, feeling wobbly on my feet. Dean wrapped his arm around me, steadying me as we headed to a small little dance area. My mind drifted back to the present and didn’t even notice this little band was set up while I must have been indulging in my wine. This was so cute. Dean looked like he was in his element. I could stare in his eyes forever. His hands wrapped around my petite but thick waist, and I rested my arms behind his neck as he started to sway with the soft music playing.
“If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?”
I looked up at him, proud to know the very answer of his question. “Hawaii, hands down, would love to go there.” I stepped on his shoe by accident. “I’m sorry!” I laughed, dragging it into a full on belly laugh as I saw the silly shocked expression riding on his face. I laughed so hard I snorted and took my hand to cover my mouth.
“Maybe we should get you home?” The heat from his breath was so close to my face while he brushed his hand along my jaw line. The touch of his soft hands took me to places I really shouldn’t go.
“I drove here.” I slurred my words.
“And I’m driving you home, sweetie. You’ve had a bit much to drink.”
I threw my head back, laughing as I found his simple statement funny.
I followed him back to the table while he grabbed my purse and jacket and helped me put my arms through my coat. He left money on the table for the bill of just alcohol, since we never got to eat anything. I felt like a goof. This wine was making me silly. Dean didn’t seem to mind while we walked outside in the blistering cold and snow to my car. He unlocked the door and helped me in the passenger side. Taking my snow brush out of the backseat he cleaned the inch of snow off my car. It was really coming down hard out there, and the blizzard warning had held true this time.
He knocked the snow off his shoes and climbed in the car, adjusting the seat to his height. Dean was fairly tall, over six feet. He put the car in drive and headed out on the slick roads. I felt safe with him driving as he seemed to drive well in the snow. It was hard to see anything in front of us, but his eyes were glued to the road, and his hand firmly on the steering wheel. His other hand roamed over to the middle console and gently lay over the top of mine. A smiled formed on his face, but he kept looking forward.
“What did you do while you were living in California?” I asked, my gaze focused on his mouth while he began to speak.
“Well, I went to college out there, met some cool people, got involved with some wrong people, had a dead end job, and wanted more for myself. I broke up with a girlfriend
and moved home when my grandmother got sick and just decided to stay home. I’ve been back for six months, and I already know it was the best decision I’ve made.”
The tender words just came right out. I was so focused on that scrumptious mouth, I didn’t pay much attention what he had just said other than the last four words.
“Best decision you’ve made, huh?” I giggled. “And why’s that?”
We stopped at a red light, and he turned his head to look at me. “Because I missed us. Now, I’m getting that back.” He turned back to the road and began driving.
My mind wandered hard. What did he just say? He missed us? What about us? God it felt so good to hear that, but so wrong at the same time. I felt the butterflies I didn’t know still existed rise up in my tummy leaving it aching for love.
We pulled into my mother’s, and he shut the car off helping me out. He unlocked the door, and the house was all dark. Mom must have gone out with Dad tonight. I turned the foyer light on while he walked in after me. I tripped, and my hands landed on the wall, stopping me from falling.
“You okay?” He laughed, moving behind me to make sure I wasn’t going to fall back.
“Stay with me for a bit?” I looked over my shoulder, and his beautiful blue’s twinkled in the lighting.
“I can do that.” He took my hand and sat me down while he took off my boots one by one, knowing full well I didn’t have the balance to do it myself.
Somebody Worth It Page 13