by Paloma Meir
Finished with our run and starving because we had been up for hours without food, we stopped by Howdy’s and devoured a dozen fish tacos between the two of us. We chased it with coke, a drink we never drank because we considered ourselves as world-class athletes.
“I need to hit the bank, Bar Mitzvah money. Then into Beverly Hills, get her a gift. She loves Barney’s, but I was thinking Tiffany’s, yes Tiffany’s.” He shook his head as if he had made an important decision.
“Sure... I have to answer these texts. We’re doing a physics demonstration at an elementary school downtown. Basic stuff. I don’t know why they keep asking me all these questions...” They really were texting me a lot. Our experiments were simple; balloons in nitrogen to show a drop in temperature would result in smaller volume. A bicycle wheel set up as a gyroscope. Showy exhibitions designed more to get the kids interested in science than to teach them the complicated concepts.
The event was two weeks away. There wasn’t a rush to get back to them. I answered the texts because thinking about the purpose of his gift for Zelda wasn’t something I wanted to do.
Tiffany's was crowded with tourists, and the two of us still wore our gym clothes, long navy shorts and grey t-shirts. Not surprisingly, we had problems attracting the attention of a sales assistant. Danny of course went straight to the engagement rings counter while we waited for someone to help us.
“You know we live in Los Angeles, not Kentucky right? No child brides allowed,” I joked.
“Boy Scouts buddy. We did it together. Don’t you remember? Be prepared.”
“Be prepared to get a colored stone then, sapphire or rubies. Something like that. She doesn’t like diamonds.”
“Chanukah, I bought her vintage ruby bracelets.” He stared off across the busy store. “A couple days before it happened. She loved them.”
A saleswoman approached us, and asked us if we needed help before I had a chance to ask Danny what had happened. He spoke quickly to her, and she led us across the store to a display case of gold necklaces with pendants in the shapes of what looked like atoms and double helixes. I got a little excited and jabbered my trivia telling them both about how gold came from stars exploding into a supernova. I asked if the jewelry designer had a background in science. The saleswoman told me the designer was the daughter of Pablo Picasso and made a joke about arts and sciences. I laughed to cover my disappointment.
“This one.” He pointed down to a green pendant on a gold chain.
“Beautiful choice. Your girlfriend will love it. Young love,” she smiled serenely.
“Green tourmaline on an 18 kt gold chain.” She looked at the tag. “That will be $1035.00. Shall I gift wrap it?”
“Thank you.” He reached into his pocket and took out a roll of hundred dollar bills, shocking me.
“She’s fifteen... She doesn’t need this. Why are you doing this?” In my life, I had maybe spent maybe three hundred dollars on her.
“She’s been through a lot.”
“Nobody forced her to drink.” I was a little worked up, “She brought it on herself. Why don’t you just get her some chocolates?”
“You’re a coldhearted fucker, Serge.” He said in a low voice with anger in his eyes.
“What are you talking about?” I asked loudly, beyond confused.
“Here we are.” She handed Danny his change and the familiar blue bag. "Thank you sir.”
“Thanks again.” He smiled at her without a trace of anger, “Let’s go, Serge.”
I followed his quick pace out of the store and on to the street.
“I thought you knew.” We got into his car. “I thought your sister told you.”
“Told me what?” I thought maybe I didn’t really want to know anymore.
“I don’t even know where to start... She was raped. They went down to the beach. She was forced into drinking. She didn’t bring it on herself.” He clutched the steering wheel and stared out the window with a far way look. “He beat her up... They wouldn’t let her call me... Her mother wouldn’t let her tell me or anyone else. I didn’t know... She hated me... I was weak...” He broke down crying.
I sat numb not knowing what to say, not knowing how to comfort him, not understanding anything. So many questions went through my head, I couldn’t form even one. I patted his shoulder and tried to think of anything that would make everything all right again. Nothing came to mind.
“Sorry, Serge.” He rose from his slumped position and turned the key in the ignition. “Let’s go home.”
“No.” I knocked his hand off the keys, “You can’t drive like this.” He dropped them and stared ahead in a daze.
“She’s so innocent, you know? I knew she liked to drink. She was so shy... She would drink anytime we were around alcohol, but she never got drunk. She would have a glass of wine or champagne... We weren’t around it very much. I let her because she would get giggly and talk a lot. It was always so hard for to speak. I knew her and Carolina would drink down at the beach. I never liked that they would go down there. I even told her not to go anymore. It’s always the last time when the bad things happen.”
“You were devoted to her, stuck like glue. I don’t understand what happened but, whatever happened, it wasn’t your fault. She’s okay now. Don’t do this to yourself.”
“She’s not okay, not at all. I made her tell me the story last night. I thought it would be good for her. She kept humming and rocking back and forth as she told it to me. She doesn’t even remember most of it... He kept pushing it on her... She woke up, and he was punching her. How could I have believed the car accident story? It never made sense.” His face was white and his body still. “Your sister knows more about what happened than her.”
“I don’t want to ask you a million questions.” I really didn’t, “but where was Carolina when all this was going on?”
“Getting pizza. There was a line. If you listen to the story it was like everything went wrong. They shouldn’t have been in Venice. There shouldn’t have been a line at the pizza stand. It was almost raining out. You remember that day we went up to school, and got kicked out of In N Out? That day. We were all suited up with our sticks. We could’ve been beating him instead of playing that game. Suited up with fucking metal sticks on the wrong side of town.”
“But we weren’t there. You can’t change that but everything else? I told her she was on her own. She was asleep, but I said that to her. I didn’t even try to help her. All that anger and being so dirty? It’s so obvious now.”
“I get it. I’m not even going to ask why you were talking to her while she was asleep.” He smiled for a moment. “I watched her for four months hike up and down that hill, getting dirtier and angrier every time I saw her. You don’t know what it was like. She’s, I don’t even how to describe what it was like with her... She was so quiet, but everything she did was for us. I know you don’t want to hear this. Sorry.”
“You can talk to me.”
“You don’t mind? I only ever talked to Isabella about her, but this? No. I can’t let this get around. If anyone ever asked her about it... I don’t want think about that. There are all these words you can’t say to her... She’s better in a lot of ways, but then not at all.”
“I don’t mind. We can be real friends. I get it. I don’t like to talk about things either.”
“Okay, real friends? Yes,” he looked at me and almost smiled, “It was everything, and then it was nothing. I went over to her house after the game. Her mother, your sister? They wouldn’t let me see her. They told me that she was sick. Fucking lies. I went to her the next night. The lights were out and she was cold to me... Then she's screaming, cursing at me to leave, loud. Her parents came into her room. They turned on the lights. Her face... half of it was a black bruise like I had never seen before, her hair chopped off. Then all of a sudden, it was a car accident and not her being sick. It didn’t make any sense. I asked your sister the next day. Her sick fucking mother wouldn’t let either one of
them tell anyone. Nobody helped her. I didn’t help her. She’s scared me with all of her hate. I was weak. It took her having a breakdown in the middle of the road... You heard about that. Then she was staying with me. I was going to make her all better so that she wouldn’t have to go away to rehab.” I noticed his heavy eyes as he paused to take a breath.
“She woke up before the sun was even out and went downstairs to drink. Powerless, I had never felt that before, you know? Then she was in rehab, and I couldn’t be nice to her. I was so mad at her, and mad at myself. Every step I took was the wrong one.” He sat up high in his seat and took the keys back from me. “Not anymore. If I’m with her then nothing bad can happen. So that’s it.”
“What do you mean “that’s it”? You can’t be with her all the time. You can’t live together. She’s going to get better. Time... She’s strong, obstinate sometimes. I can’t get over my sister. I asked so many times about her... always telling me she was fine. I don’t get her mother doing that. I’m going to have a talk with Carolina.” Anger filled me as the weight of her lies hit me.
“Ease up, buddy. She’s kind of a mess too. Cries all the time. I gave up on talking to her, but she’s the one that finally told me on the street that day. She’s your sister. Do what you need to do, but it’s not her fault. If you want to hate someone, Mrs. Moreau is the way to go.” He shifted in to fourth gear and tore though the residential neighborhood up to Sunset.
“Slow down, in fact pull over. I’ll drive. You need sleep.”
“You’re right.” He pulled over, and we switched places. “I’ve never stayed up all night before. Hard on the body, you know?”
I shut the door a bit too hard and wanted to take his car to higher speeds than I had stopped him from driving at. The car was built for high-speed. I floored it with a tap of my foot. Danny laughed.
“Time doesn’t bend. It won’t go back. The past is inert. The arrow only goes forward.”
“What?” He laughed again which was good, but I was trying to make a point.
“Physics analogy. It’s not important. I’m trying to say that if you had come to me, or I if had put more of an effort into talking to you, we could have figured this out in two minutes. Something to think about for the future, but don’t waste time on the past.” I shrugged as I took the corner fast and tight. “Nothing really bad ever happens to us. When it does... we don’t do a good job.”
“Arrow of time? I’m down with that. Physics.” He nodded his head. “Not to try to bend the arrow, but every time in my life I mentioned her, you looked like you wanted take me down, you even said that. As if you could.”
“It would be a pretty good fight, but again that’s not my point. I’m not even talking about Zelda necessarily.” I was done, living open seemed like a really good idea. “I’m talking about my family, my mother.” I gripped the steering wheel, "She’s an alcoholic. My whole life she’s been that way. She’s been in rehab for the past four months. She’s out now.”
“Dude... That’s why we couldn’t go to your house? I asked Zelda once... She said she didn’t know why. That’s great though. She’s all better? This day is a lot to take. Why didn’t you say something? We were always there for you.”
“I was embarrassed... I don’t know. That’s enough for today. She’s good now.” We pulled up in front of my house.
“Don’t forget real friends. No more secrets. We good there?”
“All good.” We got out of the car and exchanged a fist bump. “Get some sleep.”
…
I opened the door to my home to find my mother and Zelda standing in the entryway to the kitchen laughing. They looked at me at the same time with nearly identical smiles and greeted me by name with the same elongated “r” sound.
I saw her as she was, trying to be plain in her black leggings and oversized white men’s shirt, her hair loose, and her face free of make-up. My heart broke for the girl she had been. I knew there wouldn’t be pretty dresses anymore, and that she would try to hide herself in invisibility.
I ignored my mother, their newfound comfort with each other and went straight to Zelda. I saw her on her ninth birthday, wearing a pink fairy dress with large feathered wings trying to ice skate with her only two friends, Carolina and me. I held her hands and pulled her forward as I skated backwards. She gave up on trying to learn as I swirled her around in a figure eight across the ice.
“I’m sorry,” I took her into my arms for a tight hug. I couldn't understand how anyone could want to hurt her or how we all ignored her.
“What are you sorry about, Serge?” Her voice was tight and she pushed me away. “We worked this out yesterday.”
“Did you tell him?” She screamed to my sister who was walking down the stairs.
“No” Carolina froze on the steps, and her hand reached up to the collar of her dress, tightening it.
“Why do you have to know?” She screamed in my face. “Are you going to treat me differently now? Like everybody else? Are you going to want to spend time with me now? To listen to me?” She spun away from me, waving her arms around.
“Zelda...” My mother said.
“Shut up” She yelled and put her hands over her ears. “Why do you have to know?” She yelled again and stared up at the ceiling.
“Zelda I always want to be with you. I always listen to you.” I tried to take her hand. She struck it away.
“Never. You’re going to want that now... this isn’t how I wanted it to be.” She screamed as she hit the sides of her head with her fists.
“Why are you thinking these things?” I tried to take her hands in mine again.
“Come sit down. It’s going to be okay.” My mother put her arm around Zelda’s waist and led her to the sofa.
“You always leave me and always will.” She looked at my sister as she sat down. “Do you think that just this once you could call Danny for me?”
“I’m calling him.” She grabbed the phone from her dress pocket.
“Don’t call him Carolina. He’s sleeping.” I stared at my sister and hated her for letting her friend get hurt. “Zelda calm down.”
“Call him.” Zelda screamed and put her hands back on her head, covering her ears.
“I’m calling him. I’m sorry.” Carolina cried as she ran to the kitchen and slammed the door behind her.
“What’s going on sweetheart? Should I call your mother?” My mother put her arm around her.
“Mom, could you leave us alone?” I sat next to Zelda who hummed a song, her hands still over her ears. “Go help Carolina, okay? I’ll take care of Zelda.”
“Serge... okay.” She stood up as I gave her a smile I hoped would show that I knew what I was doing. I didn’t at all.
“Zelda” I said as my mother went into the kitchen and loudly asked my sister to explain what had happened to Zelda, “You have to stop this, all of it now.” I took her hands off her head and put them down at her side, “Stop, look at me. Come on Zelda. Now is not the time for singing. Look at me.” I took her chin in my hand and held her face up to mine. “Come on Zelda. Stop this. You’re scaring everybody.” Her sleepy eyes looked into mine, but her lips still mouthed the words.
“I didn’t want you to know. You won’t think I’m perfect anymore.” She spoke in an otherworldly way as she came out of her trance like state of humming. “You always leave me, every time.”
“You’re not making any sense.” I stated with an authority I didn’t feel, “You can’t have it all the ways you’re saying. Come on Zelda look at me. I’m always leaving you. I’m always going to want to be with you. You’re going to have to pick one. Which one is it?” I hoped I still had the ability to make her laugh.
“I’m so tired.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I don’t know what I mean. I don’t know what I’m saying. I didn’t want you to know. Everybody treats me differently, except Danny. I don’t want you to be different with me. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I don’t want to talk about it ever wi
th anyone.”
“You have to talk to someone.”
“I have doctors,” she yelled again. “Isn’t that enough? Leave me alone.” She shook away from me and crossed her arms.
“Look at me.” I took her chin in my hand again, forcing her to face me though her eyes stared off. “Stop that look at me now.” Her eyes focused on mine. “I’m your friend, and you’re not going to push me away anymore. Do you understand?” She nodded her head. “I’m not going to treat you any differently.” I paused not knowing if that were true. “I might be different with you. No, I won’t do that. I hate that you were hurt. Is that okay?”
“Yes, that’s okay.” She laughed through her tears. “I would hope that you would hate that. You’re so funny, Serge.”