by Emily Woods
Kate considered that and then nodded. “You may be right, but I still feel like I'm out of control. After coming here, I thought maybe I'd found peace, but then Luke...”
A teasing smile appeared on Marge's face. “Ah, yes, Luke...my secret love.”
“Don't make fun now, please!” Kate wailed. “I know I had a lot of silly thoughts when I first came, and I was able to dismiss most of them, but one remains.” She paused for a moment, trying to summon up courage to confess. “I don't know if I'm foolish for hanging onto that one, but waiting to hear from him is agony.” She went on to explain how Luke had asked to talk with her. “But then one thing after another happened, and it's been over a day. Now it's nearly time to pick up Maddie and I don't know if we'll have a chance. This may seem small to you compared to all the other tragedies in my life, but I've never felt this way about anyone before, and if he rejects me, if he does anything besides declare that he has feelings, I'm worried I might have a breakdown.”
Marge soothed her as best she could, but then shared an insight with her.
“When I was at the end of my wits, I thought I was going to lose my mind. After Walter died, I thought for sure I was going to end up homeless. Not unlike your late husband, mine had made some foolish mistakes, but his were due to poor judgment more than anything else. My Walter always fancied himself a cowboy, but he really didn’t know what he was doing. It wasn't until Luke came that this ranch really started being productive.”
Kate took it all in, but couldn't help questioning her. “You still talk as though your husband was the love of your life. How can you say that after all the mistakes he made? How could you forgive him?”
Marge sighed and took Kate's hands in her own. “That's what love does, my dear. Do you know that hardships and mistakes help me understand God a little better? No matter what I do, how I sin, God continues to pour out His great love on me. He lets us go through bad times for sure, but not because He lacks compassion. When we come through the other side of suffering, we are shaped more like Jesus.”
A protest rose in Kate's throat. “But I'm not Jesus. How can I endure it all?”
“The answer is that you can't, not on your own. ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.’”
The Bible verse was a familiar one, but Kate heard the words as though for the first time. Marge squeezed her hands a little. “If you pray when you are hurt instead of being angry, you will find strength beyond imagining.”
“I can't pray anymore,” she replied miserably. “I've tried.”
“Yes, you can. It doesn't have to be a long or fancy prayer, just tell Him what's in your heart.”
Marge encouraged her to spend the afternoon outdoors until it was time to pick up Maddie. Kate walked down to the grove of trees behind the house and settled down on a fallen log, trying to pray.
“God, I don't much feel like praying, but there's not much else I can do. My life is a mess, except for Maddie, and my heart is in bad shape now. Please help me to understand or at least cope. If Luke and I are meant to be together, please let it happen soon.”
She continued by thanking Him for her aunt and the sanctuary of the ranch. Time passed quickly, and she realized that she was late to pick up Maddie. Starlight's saddle was giving her some trouble, and by the time she reached the school, the yard was empty.
After dismounting, she scurried up the steps, fully expecting to find Maddie sitting quietly at a bench, possibly sulking at being picked up late.
“Miss Sanders? Where's Maddie?” she asked, her voice strident. Surely she had to be here.
“Oh! Mrs. Landry!” The teacher’s eyes widened. “I thought she went home with you. I dismissed them more than half an hour ago.”
Full-fledged panic skittered up and down her spine. “But you didn't see me. How could you let her go?”
A dull flush crept up the teacher's neck. “I'm afraid I was, uh, distracted by a couple of unruly boys. She was gone right away, so I assumed that she was with you. I'm so sorry! Do you think she tried to walk home by herself?”
“That would take hours! And I would have seen her on the way...unless she got lost!”
Without any further words or thought, Kate ran out of the room and fairly jumped back on Starlight, urging her to go back the way they came. However, when she was halfway back, she knew that Maddie had not gone home, or if she had, she'd gone the wrong way.
Her only thought was to find her daughter, so she turned the horse around and raced back to the school and then rode in a slightly different direction, thinking that perhaps Maddie had just gone a little off-track. However, there was no still sign of her. She did this three times, but after an hour, she was so overwrought that she could barely see. Tears streamed down her face and she cried out. “God! Please, help me! Help me find my little girl. Jesus! Help me!”
Her crying must have scared her horse because it stopped short, and she was thrown. When she landed, she heard a crack and knew that her ankle was probably broken. Thankfully, the horse didn't run off, but came over and gently nudged her as if to apologize. When she tried to stand to get back on, the pain was too great and she collapsed back on the ground.
“God,” she pleaded. “I know I'm stubborn, but please don't let my sins hurt Maddie. She's been through so much. Lord, I don't even care about my own life, but please take care of my little girl. I love her more than my own life.”
Drained of all her energy, Kate leaned back against a tree and stared up at the sky, prayers never ceasing. Even after she couldn't talk anymore, she continued to plead with God in her heart until night fell.
Just as she'd resigned herself to being devoured by wolves or some other plight, she heard the faint sound of voices calling her name.
“I'm here!” she croaked, her throat burning. “Here! I'm here!”
Lanterns shone through the thick trees, giving her courage to keep calling out.
Then a familiar form plowed through the thicket. It was Luke. “Kate!” he cried out, running toward her. “Oh, Kate!”
He knelt down beside her, placed the lantern on the ground, and pulled her into his arms. “Are you okay? What happened?”
Shaking her head, she pushed him away. “Never mind about me! Maddie is missing!”
“No, she’s not. She's fine. After school, when you didn't come right away, she went home with her friend Sarah. She told her parents that you said it was okay, but I guess she felt guilty and told them the truth. They brought her home more than an hour ago.”
“She's okay?” Her voice came from far away, and in her enormous relief, she allowed herself to slip out of consciousness. Nothing mattered anymore. As long as Maddie was fine, she didn't care what happened to her. Thank you, Jesus, she thought. Thank you.
Luke tried shaking her gently, but Kate couldn't be roused. Carefully, he lifted her up into his arms. She weighed almost nothing so he didn't have any trouble carrying her through the brush, but needed some help getting her up onto his horse. John's face was pinched.
“Is she okay?” he asked.
Luke wasn't entirely sure. “She was talking just now, so I think so.”
He wanted to bring her to town to see a doctor, but it was too dark now. He'd bring her back to the ranch and pray that she was not seriously hurt. The whole way back, he kept begging God to keep His hand on her. “I never even got a chance to tell her, God. Please give me the chance.”
When they arrived, Marge ushered them in and instructed Luke to put Kate on the sofa. She bathed her face with cool water until she started murmuring.
“I'm sorry,” she said. “I didn't know. I didn't mean to.”
“What's she saying?” Luke asked, kneeling beside her.
“She's out of her mind,” Marge said. “I don't think she even knows.”
“I don't think you're a criminal. I'm sorry. Forgive me.”
Luke blanched. “Wh
at? H-how does she know about that?” he whispered. “How could she possibly know?” He looked at Marge frantically, but she shook her head.
“I never said a word. She overheard some gossip in town, but I don't think she ever believed it.”
He stood up and began to pace the room. “I thought I'd left my past behind me, but I guess I'll never be able to get away from it, will I?”
“If you ever want a chance with her, you'll have to tell her everything. I know it's hard, but she needs to know.”
He sank down heavily into a chair and stared at Kate. There were a few scratches on her face from thorns and branches. She looked more vulnerable than ever and his heart ached at the thought she could have been lost to him. Marge was right. She deserved the truth.
He just prayed that she would be well enough to hear it.
Chapter 15
Bright light roused her from a deep slumber, and Kate held up a hand to shield her eyes. Her throat was parched, and her mind was scrambled. Why was her bed so hard?
Then, the memories of the night before came back in a flash. She'd been lost, and then found...by Luke. She'd prayed for her daughter, but never herself. She didn't care about her own life as long as Maddie was safe.
“Maddie?” she tried to call out, but her voice was so hoarse that she could barely hear it. She tried clearing her throat and then called out again. “Maddie?”
“Mama!” came the sweetest voice in the world. “Mama! Mama! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!”
A ball of gingham hurtled toward her and then lay sobbing in her arms.
“Shush, sweetie. It's okay,” she murmured into the girl’s sweet-smelling hair. Gratitude overwhelmed her as tears of joy raced down her face.
“I'm sorry I lied to Miss Sanders, Mama. I'm so sorry! I'll never do it again. Are you okay? You're not going to die?”
Kate nearly chuckled, or would have if it hadn't hurt so much. “I don't think so,” she rasped. “And I forgive you, dearest. Now, could you find me some water?”
Before she could do that, Marge came in and sighed with relief. “Oh, aren't you a sight for sore eyes! Praise Jesus!”
She brought over a glass of water and helped Kate drink some. Various versions of the night before tumbled out of each one's mouth. Maddie said she'd gone to Sarah's house to play, Marge explained how Sarah's father had brought her back, and Kate told them how she'd searched for Maddie. A few moments later, Luke appeared, hat in hand.
“You're okay?” he asked anxiously. “I think you maybe broke your ankle, but other than that?”
Kate shook her head. “Well, I feel a little dizzy, but that might be cured with a bit of food.”
Marge rose and bustled out to get her some breakfast, compelling Maddie to come with her. The girl resisted, but Marge convinced her by saying that she needed her help. Awkwardly, Luke came and sat beside her.
“I was real worried that I wouldn't get to you in time,” he started to say. “The days are warm, but the nights can still get cold. If you'd stayed out there all night...”
“But you found me,” she whispered, reaching out a hand. She wasn't even completely aware she'd done so until he grasped it and held it tightly between both of his.
“Thank God for that,” he murmured.
“Yes,” she agreed. “I do.”
His eyes widened, and she told him how she'd called out to God and how He'd answered her. All the faith that she'd been resisting had come rushing back, and she felt God's love surround her.
“I probably should have been cold, sitting on that wet ground, but I wasn't. It was as though I was next to a blazing fire.” She still couldn't comprehend it, but then she realized that maybe she wasn't supposed to. God's ways were often greater and higher than human comprehension.
“I prayed too,” he said, his eyes soft and warm. “I told God that if I ever found you, I wouldn't be foolish enough to let you go again. That is, if you'll have me.” Shock entered his eyes as the words came out. She suspected that he hadn’t meant to speak so bluntly, but she wouldn’t let it deter her. She smiled even though it hurt her cracked lips.
“I was beginning to think you'd never ask.”
He grinned so broad it nearly split his face in half, but then he sobered immediately. “But there are things about my past you need to know first. Are you up for it right now?”
At that moment, Marge came in with a plate of food and some milk. “A little later?” Kate asked. “Don't go anywhere.”
“Don't worry,” he replied. “I won't.”
John brought Maddie to school despite her protests. She wanted to stay home and be near her mother, but Kate insisted.
“You'll make me feel better by going. I don't want you to miss a day. School will be over in just two weeks. Did you know that?”
Maddie's eyes widened and she relented, showering Kate with a thousand kisses before she left.
A short time later, Luke appeared. “Can we talk now?” he asked softly. When she nodded, he sat down and lowered his head. “This is real hard for me. I've only told a few people this story, so don't be surprised if I get a little choked up or something.”
Kate pushed herself up into a semi-sitting position and looked at his face. Already, she could see the sorrow he was about to share.
“So, about seven years ago, I was married. I loved my wife so much I would die for her. Then she got pregnant, and I was happier than any man has a right to be. But…” In the pause, a shadow fell across his countenance and before he said another word, Kate already knew what he was going to say. Her heart squeezed as she shared his pain. “Jane died giving birth. It was the darkest day of my life, and I fell apart. I couldn't take care of that little boy, so her parents took over. I-I started drinking and gambling and I lost everything we had. At one point, I even cheated and was nearly shot. By the grace of God, I managed to walk away, but I wasn't fit to be a father or anything.” He was still holding her hand and was now studying her fingers, brushing his thumb across them. His voice lowered as he continued. “I thought about taking my own life, but I didn't want to leave my son with that memory, so I just moved. When I stumbled into John in town here, he sobered me up and brought me here. Later, he told me that God told him to do it, and he listened.”
Kate wasn't sure what shocked her the most so far, but she managed to keep her mouth closed. Tears pricked the back of her eyes, but she blinked and tried not to let them fall. It wouldn't help him if she collapsed into hysterics.
“Well, after being here for a few days, I found out something. I didn't want to die after all. Marge took care of me like she would a little baby, and I confessed my past to her. She never scolded me for abandoning my son, but told me about God's love.” He paused to clear his throat and his mouth quirked a little. “I'd gone to church as a youngster, but never had much use for God. I guess I rejected Him to go my own way. Now, I'm not saying that God allowed my wife to die in order to get my attention, but that's what happened anyway. I still don't understand everything, and I don't know if I'll ever see my boy again, but if I do, I want to be the kind of man he'll be proud of.”
He said no more after that, but kept his head down as if bracing for the worst. Kate didn't know what to say. Finally, she asked, “Have you written to them? The grandparents?” Her voice was still raspy from last night, but it was even more so now that she was so emotional.
He nodded, a sad smile touching his lips. “They think it's better if they finish raising him. They said they'll tell him about me when he's grown, and then he can decide if he wants to see me. It hurts, but I respect their decision. They've been the ones taking care of him all these years. I think I owe them that much…and Daniel too.”
She grasped for something neutral to say. Her heart was breaking for the loss of his fatherhood, and part of her longed to protest, but if his mind was made up, it would only cause him grief. “So, he's about six years old now? The same age as Maddie?”
Tears came to his eyes, which he wiped away wit
h the heel of his hand. “Yeah, that's right. When you first came out here, I wasn't sure what to think. It was kind of bittersweet to have her around. She was a reminder of my son, and that was both good and bad.”
“She loves you,” Kate whispered, putting her other hand on top of his. He grasped it and held on tight.
“I love her too, almost as much as I love her ma.”
The direct confession stole her breath and filled her heart. “Are you sure? I'm a handful, you know.”
He laughed and got out of his chair to kneel in front of her. “I've noticed. Kate, it's early days still, and I wouldn't have been ready even a year ago, but now I need to ask you this. Will you let me court you?”
They may not have been the words that she was waiting to hear, but in many ways, they were even better. She wasn’t ready for anything more right now. “I most certainly will,” she replied in a soft voice, gently pulling him toward her.
His eyes widened in surprise when he understood her intention, but he needed no further encouragement. He freed one hand, cupped her cheek, and leaned in to press a soft kiss on her lips. She gasped at his touch, and then a smile spread across her face. “And I look forward to courting you too.”
Epilogue
A year later, there was cause for celebration when Kate and Luke got married. Maddie was their flower girl, and it was hard to say whose smile was the broadest. Kate hadn't wanted to wait a whole year, but Maddie said that spring was the best. It turned out that she wanted to have flowers to carry.
“Otherwise I won't be a flower girl, will I?”
They conceded that she had a point, and so waited for spring so that Maddie could carry fresh tulips and lilies down the aisle. It was hard to tell who was the most pleased at the wedding: Luke and Kate or Maddie.