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We all know someone that had a little lump that they ignored. It probably was nothing, and they didn’t want to make a fuss about nothing—neither did they go to the doctor because they dreaded the idea that it might be something. They hoped if they would ignore it, it would go away.
For some that works. For others, that lump turns into an advanced cancer that not only no longer can be ignored, it can no longer be effectively treated. A cure is no longer possible because of the advanced stage of the cancer’s growth.
I’ve worked with too many marriages who ignored what they hoped was nothing and by the time they come to see me, there is no meaningful relationship left to work with. They’ve waited years too long, the ruts of painful patterns are too deep and the wounds they’ve inflicted actively or passively are excruciating. Trust can never be rebuilt.
If your spouse has asked you to go to therapy, listen. Recognize the danger in hoping that if you wait long enough, it will blow over.
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A couple of points to think about with couple therapy:
Avoid beginning therapy as a means to determine “who is right, and who is wrong”. A therapist is not a judge. The task of a therapist is to improve your relationship, not assign blame.
Be prepared to listen to words that may not be easy to hear. Know that the conversation is better when responses are shaped by curiosity rather than judgement
Usually, people have all the “communication skills” they need to go about their lives—including their marriage. The two of you had sufficient communication to date and plan your lives together. Communication skills don’t decrease with marital tension, but a person’s ability to access those skills does. Thinking a few “communication tools” will solve everything is often magical thinking.
Bad choices on one spouse’s part doesn’t justify abuse. Ever. It is important to process what makes you mad, but a therapist will never affirm behavior such as name calling, physical violence, berating and belittling. Be upfront—both of you—about abuse that exists in the relationship. Allow the therapist to work with full knowledge of the situation.
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If you are reading this chapter because your spouse gave it to you and is asking you to consider couple therapy, do me a favor.
Thank your spouse. Seriously, yes—express gratitude.
Let your partner know that you are aware it was very brave and very kind for your spouse to give you this book. Let your spouse know that this chapter was a lot to digest and you won’t be able to discuss it further just yet because you need some time to think it through.
You may have been shocked when your spouse invited you to therapy. You may have turned it down a dozen times or more in the past. You may not have understood how much struggle exists within your partner. Although it may be very challenging for you, let your spouse know that you want to understand.
Let your partner know you have pondered this, and it matters to you, even if it is only because it matters to your spouse. I suspect you want this marriage to work as much as your spouse does.
Knowing that your partner is asking you to read this chapter because she/he wants you to go with them to therapy may even make you furious. Your first instinct might be to hide, get drunk or pull away. Maybe you are pulled to get involved in a super big project in the garage or at work or at the community center to avoid the conversations this chapter invites. You may be pissed off because of the implications of this chapter.
Maybe you may have devoted your life to providing him/her a wonderful life with secure finances and a beautiful house. You may go together on a big vacation once a year. You may cook grand meals or make a comfortable home. There are lots of signs you can point to, to show you have tried to give your partner what you thought was a great life. When you read this chapter, it might hurt because all your good intentions won’t feel good enough.
If your spouse asks you to work on your marriage now before he/she is completely burnt out, please show up? Stick with the process and you give yourself a fighting chance. You give your therapist something to work with when you come before your relationship deteriorates further. It isn’t easy to agree to start counseling. If it wasn’t your idea, you may have a lengthy list of concerns. Read some other chapters in this book to have some of your concerns addressed.
But consider this: To say “yes” to counseling is a vote for your marriage. It tells your partner you take his/her concerns seriously—and when you take your partner’s concerns seriously, then your partner feels understood.
The very act of agreeing to therapy will give your spouse have an experience of being loved by you. How can your spouse feeling loved not be incredibly advantageous for the both of you?
Epilogue
What do you have to lose?
What would be the worst part about showing up at a clinic and giving therapy a shot? What could go wrong? You have the ability to express to the therapist:
I will not answer that question
The way you’re staring at me makes me uncomfortable
I have a bunch of questions you need to answer before I will decide if I will stay
How do you understand that counseling can help me?
I didn’t make this appointment because I wanted to come. I’m here because my wife/father/boss said I should come. I’m reluctant. You should know that.
I will come for one session and see how it goes.
I’ve made appointments with 3 therapists, and I will choose the one I feel fits me the best
I didn’t want to come today because I’m concerned that there might be adverse effects. You need to help me make sure I don’t freak out after.
There is a whole range of ways you can give your therapist a “heads up” that you are not yet jumping in with both feet.
You can start therapy with significant reservations and be vocal about them. Therapists want you to name your skepticism up front and want to talk about it.
However, the danger in saying: “I went, and it didn’t work. I’m not going back,” is that you didn’t give it a fair attempt. Nobody would like a highly recommended restaurant if they order brussels sprouts and they’ve hated them all their life. And nobody can speak well of a restaurant if they’ve received their favorite delicious meal in front of them but never picked up a fork to taste it.
If you try therapy, be honest with yourself. Getting your body into the therapy office is not enough. You will have to actually invest. Engage with the counselor authentically and if that means challenging them because of your uncertainty, then that is the place to begin.
You don’t need to start with the darkest and most intimate details. In fact, I would discourage starting with the most difficult pain in your life. Float some trial balloons of issues that are real but smaller in significance to see how it goes. Give yourself the gift of authentically determining if therapy could help. Go in full of with your questions, concerns, suspicions and disbelief to engage in a genuine dialogue that is open and curious. But do go in.
If you put nothing in, I highly suspect you will get nothing out.
If you are wondering about the value of therapy, or someone that cares deeply about you is entreating you to go, I want to encourage you to pursue it. I picture you reading this as I write this and I am encouraged by your willingness to get even this far. I wrote this book for you and desire better for you.
I believe that you matter. My hope for you is to live a better story—to have the adventure that you know as your life to be fulfilling, enriching, and life-giving. I want you to engage in your life and respond to the challenges that life has thrown your way in a style that has you honor your values and live your best life.
“It doesn’t have to stay this way.” I often utter this at the end of a first session. I mean it. I don’t know what it will look like, how the client and I will change their circumstances, or even if we can change the circumstances. We can change the way a person reacts to the situations
in their lives. We can develop strategies of resilience. We can explore parts of a person they weren’t aware of that controlled their lives unknown to them. I don’t know how fast it will go. I don’t know how hard it will be. I don’t know how it will change. But my experience has me recognize that a client’s experience doesn’t have to stay stuck.
And I recognize that you are worth it. Please recognize that you can have a better life.
Go for it. Grab that better life.
About the Author
Carolyn Klassen has completed a Master of Arts degree in Marriage, Family, and Child Counselling in Fresno, California. She also has a degree in Occupational Therapy from the University of Manitoba.
She is a therapist and director at Conexus Counselling in Winnipeg.
A Certified Daring Way Facilitator, she believes that fundamentally, all of us are wired for connection, and that meaningful relationships have tremendous healing power. Carolyn taught therapeutic communication to therapy students for many years at the University of Manitoba. Carolyn now speaks widely and writes about all things “connection”.
She has a 2018 TEDx Winnipeg talk, Learning from the sequoias: the value of interconnectedness. She is passionate about helping people improve their relationships with themselves and each other. She has written a books, Nice to a Fault: Redefining Kindness in Marriage, and Is there still time to run? and has a weekly conversation with Hal Anderson on 680CJOB, a popular talk radio station in Winnipeg, Manitoba. She loves lattés, family suppers, busy bird feeders, sun porches, and watching her sons play sports.
Carolyn would be extremely grateful for you review with a comment on Amazon. You are invited to contact her at [email protected]
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[1] Graaf, John De, et al. Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2005.
[2] "Sea Turtle With One Flipper Gets Rudder Prosthetic | Nature on PBS." YouTube. March 24, 2014. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpzATXGBIqQ.
[3] "Wizard Revealed - Wizard of Oz 75th Anniversary - Own it October 1." Video file. July 17, 2013. https://youtu.be/-RQxD4Ff7dY.
[4] "Learning from the Sequoias: the Value of Interconnectedness | Carolyn Klassen | TEDxWpg." Video file. October 2, 2018. https://youtu.be/S9BJjkijb2I.
[5] Pinker, Susan. The Village Effect: How face-to-face contact can make us happier and healthier. Toronto: Random House of Canada Ltd., 2015.
[6] Veggie Tales: The Hairbrush Song – Silly Song. YouTube video, posted by VeggieTales Official, November 13, 2008, https://youtu.be/LtHr7gluh08.
[7] Young, William P., Wayne Jacobsen, and Brad Cummings. 2007. The shack: where tragedy confronts eternity. Newbury Park, CA: Windblown Media.
[8] Solomon, Andrew. "Transcript of "Depression, the Secret We Share"." TED: Ideas Worth Spreading. October, 2013. https://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share/transcript.
[9] Klassen, Carolyn. Is there still time to run?: A message from your therapist before your first session, 1st ed. Winnipeg: Carolyn Klassen, 2019.
[10] Klassen, Carolyn. Is there still time to run?: A message from your therapist before your first session, 1st ed. Winnipeg: Carolyn Klassen, 2019.
[11] The definitions of addiction vary only slightly, and I’m using one here that Dr. Gabor Maté uses. You can see it clearly defined here: Russell Brand and Dr. Gabor Maté/ Damaged Leaders Rule the World. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-mJnYmdVmQ on September 18, 2019
[12] To further understand this, you may wish to view: What is Addiction? [Gabor Maté]. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5sOh4gKPIg on September 16, 2019
[13] Johann Hari, "Transcript of "Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong"," TED: Ideas Worth Spreading, June, 2015. https://www.ted.com/talks/johann_hari_everything_you_think_you_know_about_addiction_is_wrong/transcript.
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