My eyes were just closing when the telephone rang. It was Julian with our nightly check-in, and he was very upbeat. His afternoon with Blake had turned out as I’d hoped—blowtorch therapy. I smiled, thinking of his handsome face, and the sadness intensified in my stomach.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see you much today,” he said. “You sound tired.”
“I am,” I said, not wanting to tell him my big news. I couldn’t explain why, but I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t want it to be real yet. “Summer came with me to the paper office this afternoon,” I said instead.
I could hear him frown. “Why’d you agree to that?”
“I don’t know. She was interested, and… maybe I was too hard on her? She can’t help it if her social skills need work.”
“That’s very mature.” Then he laughed. “Did all that maturity wear you out?”
“Yes.”
He laughed again. “Speaking of maturity, I’m feeling much better.”
My forehead creased. “I’m glad, but what does that have to do with maturity?”
“I was thinking about our relationship rating,” he said, then his voice lowered. “As in, my tree-climbing skills might’ve improved.”
My heart ticked up in spite of my weird college-scholarship depression. “I’ll unlock my window.”
He breathed a smile in my ear, and I closed my eyes feeling much better. “Hey,” he said. “I’m sorry about Friday.”
My voice was equally quiet. “You don’t have to apologize.”
His voice was a low vibration that set my insides humming. “I was a little drunk, and you make me crazy.”
A laugh escaped my lips. “I guess that’s good?”
“So what are you wearing tonight?” He went on. “That little sleep shirt again? I’m thinking teeth this time.”
“Teeth?” my forehead lined.
“I’m pulling it up with my teeth. Then I take my tongue…”
“I thought you were coming over,” I said.
“I want to,” he exhaled. “But Mom still hasn’t left. We might have to wait one more night.”
That news made me ridiculously sad again. Maybe I was getting my period. “You shouldn’t tease me like that.”
“You’re the tease.”
We said our goodbyes, and I was smiling as I hung up the phone, rolling onto my back under the covers. Snuggling under thicker blankets helped with missing him, but I wished Julian was wrapped up beside me now so much. I turned off the lights and settled in to sleep.
Sometime later I awoke. It was dark and my limbs were heavy with sleep, but someone was with me. I felt the warmth of his body on top of me, his hands rested lightly on each side of my face as he kissed me again and again. I kissed him back and tried to put my arms around him, but they were pinned against the bed. My body was filled with desire, and I felt the heat of his skin on my stomach, my arms, my inner thighs.
How had he gotten in? Did he climb the tree? I didn’t know the answer. All I knew was I was powerless against his kisses, and waves of delight were pulsing me higher and higher with each movement of his body against mine. I heard a noise come from my throat, and his mouth moved to my neck. I opened my eyes and he lifted his head. Clear blue eyes looked into mine, but it wasn’t who I thought. It was Jack!
I sat straight up in the bed with a gasp, but I was alone. No one was here. I panted as I looked around the dark room. My window was closed. It had all been a dream. I lay down again and pulled my knees into my chest. I was trembling, and I could still feel his kisses on my mouth. I lay motionless for several minutes replaying the scene in my mind. What was that about?
My biggest fear had been treating Julian like a rebound guy. Was my brain trying to tell me that was exactly what I was doing? Everything I believed felt shaken. It was like I’d been betrayed by my own body when I was completely unconscious and powerless. I fell asleep again troubled.
On Friday, it was announced at fourth period that Rachel and Brad had been voted Mardi Gras king and queen. Rachel was ecstatic, and I figured Brad was probably indifferent. He didn’t care for that type of recognition, but he went along with anything that made Rachel happy.
Julian picked me up for the basketball game before the dance, and I smiled when I saw him sporting navy and white. “Who’s got school spirit now?”
“I’m coming around,” he smiled. “I just wasn’t into it last week.”
“I know.” I went over and put my arms around his waist. “Still hurt?”
“Less and less.” He leaned down and kissed my lips, and I felt a little thrill.
I’d decided to put my stupid dream behind me. For starters, dreams didn’t mean anything—or if they did, they meant the opposite of what you thought. And second, I’d decided it was a combination of Mom’s lasagna, shock from my scholarship acceptance letter (which was still in my bedroom under my bed), and worry about being separated from Julian.
“Did they announce the winners?” Mom asked, walking into the room.
“Rachel and Brad,” I said, my arms still around his waist.
“I think you and Julian should’ve won it. Especially after Julian took one for the team.”
I shook my head. “Seriously? No way.”
“What? You’re good-looking kids.” I shook my head again, and she continued, assessing our outfits. “So you’re skipping the ball?”
“I want to take Anna out instead,” Julian said. “We might be a little late.”
Mom smiled. “Okay, and have fun. Don’t get into trouble.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Julian saluted. I giggled, pulling him out the door.
We arrived at the gym in time for the tip-off. Julian and I walked through the stands chatting with friends. I’d forgotten Rachel said alumni had been invited to the game, and the bleachers were jammed. We stopped off for drinks, and Julian lingered behind to talk to Blake. I spotted an empty row and was carefully making my way through the bodies when I noticed someone in my peripheral vision blocking my path.
I reached out to tap the person and a warm hand wrapped around mine. I looked up and almost dropped my drink.
“Oh, shit!” My hand clutched the paper cup so hard it collapsed.
“Hey, careful.” He smiled and stepped closer to help me.
“Jack…”
The crowd was bustling around us, and with his body pushed close to me, I caught his familiar scent. It stole my breath.
“What are you doing here?” I managed to say, but I couldn’t look at him. My stupid eyes had grown hot for some reason. It was like my whole body was betraying me. Again!
“Dad wanted me to come home for a visit.” His voice had that low vibration I remembered. As always, my insides tried to go weak at the sound, and I clenched my jaw, fighting it. “Lucy wanted to come to the game.”
“Lucy’s here?” I looked quickly around the stands, trying to distract myself from the warmth of his hand still holding mine.
“Somewhere.” I heard him smile, and my eyes blinked up to his. Then I blinked again. It was like I was looking into the sun. “How are you?” he said.
“Oh… I’m… good.” I cleared my throat. This was ridiculous. I had to get a grip. “How are you?” I said in a firmer voice.
He shrugged. “Good, I guess.”
Then I remembered Will telling their father he was skipping classes, drinking too much. “Really?” I really looked at him then.
“Sure,” he said, meeting my gaze a little too intensely.
We were quiet, and he was too close. He hadn’t changed a bit, and dammit I still cared. All I could think of was him in trouble, him alone, my dream. My dream that didn’t mean what it seemed to mean. Just then Julian came up behind me.
“Jack.” His voice snapped me out of my thoughts. “Hey, man.” Julian reached around me to shake hands then put his hand on my waist.
“Julian.” Jack released my hand, his eyes going to where Julian’s rested. “Are you two dating now?”
“Yep,” Julian answered.
Jack nodded, pressing his lips together. I remembered that look from the hay maze last fall. It was how he’d looked right after he’d realized Julian had kissed me. That I had kissed Julian back.
“I’m taking off,” he said. “It was nice seeing you again, Anna.”
He left, and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.
“You okay?” Julian asked.
I looked at him and smiled weakly. “I think so.”
As always, he put his arm over my shoulder. “That was unexpected.”
I nodded, not sure how to proceed. “It really was.”
He studied my face a beat, then he lowered his arm, catching my hand. “Still want to stay here or you ready to go?”
“I don’t know.” I blinked up at those blue eyes, almost identical to his brother’s. “Maybe we should go?”
He nodded, and we left the stands. We walked back toward the car, and I slid my hand through Julian’s arm. Hugging myself close to his side, I leaned my head on his shoulder. “Where we headed?”
“I don’t know. I was thinking we could get something to eat if you’re hungry or go down to the pier or take a walk. Just spend some time together. It hasn’t been just us in weeks.”
“I’ve got to be honest with you. I’m feeling so tired right now.” It was stupid, but I felt like I’d run a marathon. And I wasn’t sure if I’d won it.
He held the door, studying my face. “Want to go home?”
“Would you be upset?”
Julian shook his head. “Home it is.”
We drove back to my house, and Mom was still up. “You guys are early! What happened?”
“Oh, nothing. I just… I’ve just been so tired lately.” Ever since my college papers arrived, although I wasn’t sure why. And then tonight, seeing Jack. It all felt like way too much hitting me all at once, and I just wanted to hide for a while and process it all.
“Are you catching something?” Mom walked over and put her hand on my forehead.
“Don’t think so.” I said.
She glanced from me to Julian then she tossed the remote on the couch. “I was just going to my room. You guys make yourselves comfortable. Order a movie.”
Julian and I sat on the couch facing each other. We laced our fingers, and he pulled my hand to his lips. “Is this about Jack?”
My stomach squirmed, but I wouldn’t lie to him. “A little.”
His lips pressed together. “Do you want me to stay?”
I nodded feeling my eyes grow damp. I slid forward and put my arms around his middle. He held me close and stroked the back of my hair. We stayed that way for several minutes. Finally, he moved me back on the couch and stood. “Go to bed. I’ll be back later.”
My eyes went to his ribs. “Aren’t you still—”
He smiled and went to the door. “It’ll be okay.”
I watched him leave and then went upstairs. After washing my face, I walked across the hall to my room, unlocking the window before sliding under the covers. I’d planned to read for a while, but instead I turned off the light and fell asleep.
This time when I awoke, I knew I wasn’t dreaming. Julian was sliding in with me. He pulled me close to him as he covered my mouth with his, and I held onto him tightly, his hand rubbing my back. His lips moved to my cheek and then my temple.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” I whispered.
“Mm-hm.” He continued kissing behind my ear, down to my neck as he rolled me over and pulled my back into his chest.
“Did it hurt getting in?” I asked.
“Not so much.” His fingers were stroking the length of my arm. I laced mine with his.
“I’m sorry I didn’t feel like doing anything tonight.” I said.
His lips pressed to the top of my shoulder, sending that wonderful tingle down my body. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “You had a shock.”
Guilt pushed the happy tingles away, and I chewed my lip. “I’m sorry I was shocked,” I whispered.
“You couldn’t help it.”
I rolled forward and turned to face him. “Are you mad at me?”
My eyes had grown used to the dark, and I could see him smile. “Am I acting mad?”
“No,” I shook my head, studying his mouth. “But I mean, you must be thinking something.”
He reached forward and pulled me into a hug, my cheek resting on his chest. “I’m thinking you saw your old boyfriend, and it rattled you. It happens. Should I be thinking anything else?”
I exhaled, hugging his waist. “I guess not.”
His lips were at my ear. “I can’t pretend he never existed. I had to watch you follow him around like a puppy all last fall. It was pretty sick. But that’s over, right?”
I nodded. “I think so.”
He pulled back then. “You think so?”
My body felt hot and cold at once, and I wanted to throw up. But I had to tell him the truth. I’d always been honest with Julian… unlike some people. “It’s only been a few months since it hurt bad, but for the last several weeks, I haven’t thought of him at all.” Other than my stupid dream.
Julian propped his head on his hand. “And how do you feel now?”
I thought for a second. “I feel like I’m so glad you’re here.”
He smiled and traced my lips with his finger. “Why?”
I smiled, reaching up and threading those fingers with mine. “Because you always make me feel better.”
He leaned forward and kissed my nose. “Why?” he whispered.
I shrugged. “I don’t know… you just do somehow. That’s all.”
He shook his head and chuckled.
I frowned. “What?”
He lowered his head and pulled my back into his chest again.
“What?” I repeated softly, wrapping his strong arms around me.
“Forget it. What’s the latest on college? Any news?”
My lips pressed together, and my bottom lip went between my teeth. I had to tell him. He needed to know. But we’d just made it through my last confession. I’d reacted badly to seeing Jack, and I couldn’t forget his annoyance last Friday about Loyola and Tulane being steps apart.
“I’m still waiting to hear from everyone,” I hedged.
Closing my eyes, I knew I couldn’t keep this a secret much longer. Rachel was waiting to hear as well. Apartment complexes had to have deposits and references.
“Well, I know how excited I was about getting into Savannah.” He was stroking my arm again. “I hope you get what you want.”
My forehead lined. “Even if it means I go to Loyola?”
“Sure,” he kissed my ear. “If you go to Loyola, we’ll figure out what happens next.”
I turned over and put my arms around him and snuggled into his chest. I wasn’t sure I could sleep. I was frustrated with myself for not telling him everything. But I had time, and tonight, I just wanted to hold him and feel his arms around me. I took a deep breath, inhaling his fresh, beachy scent I loved.
“Can we just sleep now?” I whispered against his skin.
For a moment he didn’t speak. Then he gave me a squeeze, kissing the top of my head. “Sure.”
Chapter 14
Spring break was approaching, and after that, we’d be racing toward the finish line with only prom standing between us and graduation. It made me sick and nervous and happy at the same time. I hated the end was looming before us, but I couldn’t deny I was excited about college and the future. My only heaviness came when I tried to fit me and Julian into the picture.
Julian was welding again and busy turning the sketches he’d made for the last several weeks into three-dimensional works of art. I still hadn’t figured out a way to tell him about Loyola. I needed to do it, but I was afraid he’d ask me how long I’d known. Then I was worried he’d be angry that I hadn’t told him right away. I knew the longer I waited the worse it got, but
he’d gone from mentioning it all the time to never mentioning it at all. And it was hard to work into conversations.
I’d texted Rachel with the news, and I hoped she and I could talk about apartments and stuff at lunch. It was my plan for letting him know—he could hear us talking, and I’d tell him I’d just found out. But Rachel was tied up planning a senior bonfire and hadn’t been around during lunch all week.
After school, I had to stop by the paper office, and Julian suggested I drop by the garage and watch him work when I was done. I agreed and had my camera ready to take pictures of him working. I also made a firm resolution that this would be the day I’d tell him about Loyola. Of course, I also had to tell my parents. Suddenly college and the future and separation all felt very real, and that sadness pushed even harder in my chest. I didn’t want to think about what was going to happen to us. I just wanted to be happy with Julian, being his girlfriend.
I arrived at the garage a little after five, and I could hear him inside. He’d been collecting pieces of fencing and other large items of scrap to assemble the bench scene he’d shown me. I stopped and put my jacket back in the car. It was still cool, but not enough to compete with the heat generated by the blowtorch in his small garage. Then I remembered how he pulled off his shirt sometimes when he worked and smiled, hoping it would be one of those days. I didn’t expect to hear a girl’s voice as I got closer.
Peeking around the door, I nearly lost it when I saw Renee sitting on his worktable. Her shiny brown hair hung loose down her back, and she was wearing a low-cut blouse and short skirt. Her legs were uncrossed. I could read that body language a mile away, and I was furious. Julian didn’t seem to notice as he moved several of the large pieces of fencing he’d collected to the back of the garage.
“So you’re finally dating Anna Sanders,” Renee said, dropping her head to the side and swinging one of her knees together. “Jesus, Julian, what was that? Some personal goal of yours?”
I really hated Renee.
Julian paused, and it was like he suddenly saw her, slutting it up on his worktable. “What are you up to?” he said.
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