In spite of his insubordination, General George Washington, who thought of Arnold almost as a son, rewarded the man and appointed him commandant at Philadelphia in July 1778. However, in Arnold’s triumph were the seeds of discontent and deceit. He’d been wounded at Saratoga (in the leg . . . the reason for that odd monument), and that fueled his self-pity and anger.
THE ONE-LEGGED PERSPECTIVE
Arnold had become bitter, especially toward Congress: he felt he should have been promoted higher and faster. In Philadelphia, he also became a social butterfly, and met the woman who became his second wife and was a catalyst in his downfall.
Margaret “Peggy” Shippen was half Arnold’s age and a member of a staunchly Loyalist (pro-England) family. While Arnold fell deeper into debt with extravagances and financial schemes that led Congress to investigate him and recommend a court-martial, Shippen encouraged him to throw parties and keep up with other Loyalists. One of them, British officer John Andre, goaded Arnold into switching sides. (Shippen introduced the men and may have had an affair with Andre; no one knows for sure.) Arnold, who was facing financial ruin and was uncertain of future promotion, made a fateful decision to throw in his lot with the British.
BIRTH OF A TRAITOR
First, he wrote to Henry Clinton, the British commander, promising to deliver West Point and its 3,000 defenders for 20,000 pounds sterling (about $1 million today). Playing on George Washington’s continued affection, Arnold also convinced the general to give him the post of West Point commander.
In September 1780, Arnold tried to execute his plan, sending Andre with maps and plans to the British forces. But Andre was captured, and the patriot soldiers—not knowing their commander was in on the scheme—sent a message to Arnold, who immediately fled West Point. However, George Washington had decided to visit West Point that day. When he found that Arnold was away, he sat down to wait—and when the soldiers brought him the plans that had been captured with Andre, Washington recognized his friend’s handwriting.
ESCAPE
As Andre was being hanged as a spy, Arnold was escaping on a British warship down the Hudson River. For his dirty deeds, Arnold received 6,000 pounds and an appointment in the British Army as a brigadier general. He moved to England and, despite his previous battlefield heroics, was condemned as a traitor in the United States. George Washington wrote to a friend,
I am mistaken if at this time Arnold is undergoing the torments of a mental hell. From some traits of his character which have lately come to my knowledge, he seems to have been so hackneyed in crime—so lost to all sense of honor and shame—that while his faculties still enable him to continue his sordid pursuits, there will be no time for remorse.
In Philadelphia, patriots built a life-sized effigy of Arnold—seated in a cart with a figure of the devil next to him holding a lantern up to his face so that everyone could see the traitor. They paraded the cart through the city, with a fife-and-drum corps playing “The Rogue’s March,” before they hanged the effigy and set it on fire. The name Benedict Arnold is now synonymous with “traitor.”
THE PRODUCT PLACEMENT AWARD
Human Billboards
If you thought fresh eggs sporting ads for sitcoms was bad, imagine
seeing a pregnant belly emblazoned with an ad for a casino.
THE MEDIUM IS THE MESSAGE
Advertising is everywhere, and advertisers will try any space at least once in order to promote a product. Some of the efforts are truly inventive, even if irritatingly intrusive—CBS once tried having fresh eggs stamped with ads for its fall programming lineup. Ads are sprouting up on airline tray tables, on city sewer covers, and on bendable straws. And many of us have seen Volkswagen Beetles tricked out to look like rodents to advertise extermination services. How about adult diaper samples delivered with the newspaper?
Human billboards have been around for centuries with people wearing sandwich boards, carrying signs, pointing customers in the right direction, and barking promotional slogans. But the worst ad placement we’ve seen has to be one on the human body. Read on . . . and weep—as long as you don’t have any promotional logos inked on your cheeks.
ADVERTISING, TO THE FORE
In 2005, Oklahoma college student Andrew Fischer decided to try something different to raise tuition money. He placed a listing on the popular online auction site, eBay, offering to “wear” a company’s ad on his forehead.
Fischer had two rules about what he would and wouldn’t do:
1. He wouldn’t promote anything socially unacceptable such as adult Web sites or stores.
2. He’d accept any brand or logo as long as it was not racially or morally offensive (e.g., a swastika): “I wouldn’t go around with 666, the mark of the beast,” he told the BBC News.
The winner: SnoreStop (a company that sells snoring prevention products) ponied up just over $37,000 to place a temporary, 30-day tattoo on Fischer’s forehead.
BELLY BASICS
While Fischer and SnoreStop got a lot of attention, their “head-vertising” attempt was not the first. In 2003, after answering an eBay listing, C I Host, a web-hosting firm, paid 22-year-old Jim Nelson $7,000 to wear the company’s logo permanently tattooed on the back of his shaved head for five years. Nelson’s duties include traveling on behalf of C I Host, handing out flyers and business cards, and delivering sales pitches. Within six months of Nelson’s debut, the company had 500 new customers.
Other companies have tried to head-butt the competition, too. In 2003, Dunlop Tires hired six men to roam the streets of Boston with their heads shaved in a zig-zag tire pattern. Even Homer Simpson tried to get in on the action during a 2006 episode in which he has “Buy Blue Pants” emblazoned on his head in an attempt to increase demand for his favorite product.
And since all that was working so well, why not advertise on a pregnant belly? Amber Rainey said she got the idea from Andrew Fischer and thought: “I have a really big stomach, you know. Hey, and you can’t help but to look at.” In 2005 the 24-year-old auctioned off her acreage, and Las Vegas’s Golden Palace bought it for $4,042. (A paltry price, perhaps, but foreheads are forever—a third-trimester tummy could go any time.)
A SHOT IN THE ARM
There are lots of print and video ads that feature different kinds of tattoos, including a Brazilian shoe campaign with supermodel Gisele Buendchen “wearing” nothing but a full-body tattoo. (Temporary tattoos, of course.)
Joe Tamargo of Huntington, New York, tried something a little more permanent in 2005, selling advertising space on his body with permanent tattoos. A pharmaceutical company bought an ad on his right arm for $500. Another group, SaveMartha.com, paid $510 for a multicolored ad supporting Martha Stewart during her incarceration for fraud.
The worst deal has to be Kari Smith’s permanent forehead tattoo advertising Las Vegas’s Golden Palace. (Again!) She settled for $10,000, but even the Golden Palace must have realized that was ridiculous. The casino kicked in $5,000 more.
OH, BABY
However, the worst advertising idea ever has nothing to do with tattoos. In 2006, a Canadian couple, Jonathan and Leanne (they declined to give out their last name, with good reason), put a listing on eBay offering ad space on their newborn daughter’s clothing for a year.
After the public decried the couple for including their baby as part of the scheme, the parents pulled the listing. But Jonathan said he thought it was completely all right because the advertising would just be on clothing and would not harm the baby.
Where did he get the idea? “From that guy in the United States who has advertising space on his forehead.”
SIGNS O’ THE TIMES
During the 1978 Academy Awards, singer Debby Boone performed her Oscar-nominated song, “You Light Up My Life.” Surrounding Boone on stage were hearing impaired children translating the song into sign language. The Academy was embarrassed the next day when reports surfaced that the kids weren’t hearing impaired at all—they were actually local fifth gr
aders who were directed to pretend they were deaf. How did the ruse get found out? Actual hearing impaired people couldn’t understand their incomprehensible sign language.
THE HIDE AND SEEK AWARD
Movie Easter Eggs
When the movie lays an egg, fans can go hunting for something
extra. Join us as we crack some shells and celebrate the
incredible playable Easter egg of the digital age.
EGG IN YOUR FACE
In the late 20th century, “Easter eggs” took on new meaning for video gamers and movie watchers. No longer just treats left by the Easter Bunny, they now were encrypted treats hidden by wily computer programmers. These digital Easter eggs contained additional content, fun asides, new material, and more.
The history of the digital Easter egg is fuzzy. The most often-told version goes like this: In the 1978 Atari 2600 video game “Adventure,” computer programmer Warren Robinett hid his signature in a hidden room. Why? Apparently, Atari didn’t give its programmers credit in the early days, and Robinett wanted to secretly “sign” his work. His employers didn’t know about it, but when players found it, they thought it was part of the game.
But some people say that they found an earlier Easter egg in a 1977 video game called “Demo Cart.” It was played on the Fairchild Channel F, a console that preceded Atari, and supposedly featured a hidden message containing the programmer’s name.
INCREDIBLE EVOLVING EGGS
Whatever their origin, Easter eggs in video games became commonplace throughout the 1980s, as software programmers and designers hid their names in credit files for people to stumble upon. From there, the eggs evolved and started showing up on DVDs, where they’re usually hidden on menu screens. To open them, people have to know where to look or how to find them. You may have to move the cursor to a specific spot on the screen. If something that doesn’t look like a menu option (in other words, if it isn’t labeled with anything) is highlighted, chances are you’ve found an Easter egg. For people who don’t enjoy the hunt, many Web sites have sprung up that list where Easter eggs are hidden in popular movies and games.
ON THE HUNT
We went hunting for Easter eggs in our favorite movies. Here is some of what we found (most are in the standard DVD editions):
The Godfather Collection. On the bonus disc, go to “Galleries,” click on “DVD Credits,” and hit “Next” on your remote four times. You’ll find the cast of the TV show The Sopranos watching . . . The Godfather.
T2: Judgment Day. The DVD for the sequel to The Terminator features an extended version of the film with an alternate ending. In the “Special Edition” menu, highlight “Play Special Edition” but don’t hit enter. Instead, type in 82997 (a significant date in the film) on your remote. You’ll then see “Play Extended Special Edition” highlighted. Press Enter.
The Fellowship of the Ring (Four-Disc Extended Edition). An MTV Movie Awards spoof is included. On the final page of the Scene Selection menu, highlight the “Council of Elrond” scene and press the down arrow on your remote. You’ll highlight the ring. Press Enter.
Seinfeld Season 5. On the fourth disc, click on Setup. Go to Subtitles, and then press the right arrow to highlight the heart. Press Enter, and a behind-the-scenes look at a popular episode will play.
Fight Club (2-disc edition). On the second disc, click on “Advertising.” Press the down arrow three times and a smiley face will appear. Press enter to go to a gallery of merchandise related to the movie.
Donnie Darko. Go to “Special Features” and choose “The Philosophy of Time Travel.” Go to “Appendix A” and hit the up arrow. A circle will appear. Click on it to see a deleted scene.
The Matrix. Nine eggs in one can be found here. Under “Special Features,” choose “Making the Matrix.” Then select “The Dreamworld.” Then select “Continue,” followed by a click on “Follow the White Rabbit.” Go back and watch the movie, and, periodically, a white rabbit will appear onscreen. When it does, hit enter to see a short feature about the scene. When it finishes, the movie will resume playing, and you can keep looking for more white rabbits. (They’re in chapters 1, 10, 15, 23, 24, 29, 30, 32, and 33.)
Citizen Kane (Two-Disc Special Edition). Choose “Production Notes” and then “On the Set.” Advance through 10 pages and then hit the up button, which will highlight a sled. Hit enter to see an interview with the film’s editor.
Finding Nemo. Under “Bonus Features,” click on “Mr. Ray’s Encyclopedia.” Highlight the curved arrow and press the down button to bring up a fish. Highlight it and press enter to see a short bonus scene between Dory and Marlin.
The Star Wars Trilogy. On the bonus disc, select “Video Games and Still Galleries” from the main menu. On the new menu, press 11, then 3, then 8 on your remote. This plays a five-minute gag reel.
Titanic: Special Edition. Choose “Deleted Scenes” and then select “Scene Selection.” Go to scene 29 (“Extended Carpathia Sequence”) and hit the down arrow. The people in the bottom left of the screen will be highlighted. Hit enter, and you’ll see a Saturday Night Live skit related to the movie.
X-Men: The Last Stand. Go to “Deleted Scenes” (from the “Join the Brotherhood” screen, choose “Features” to get there). Go to the fourth page in (hit “More” on three separate screens), and then highlight “Hank Warns Trash of Magneto’s Plan.” Press the left arrow on your remote, and you’ll highlight an X. Press enter to see an alternate ending.
Memento (Limited Edition 2-Disc Set). From the main menu, select the clock. You’ll get a quiz. Choose answer “C” for the first five questions. The sixth question involves putting pictures in a certain order; don’t worry about the correct order. Instead, put them in this order: 3, 4, 1, 2. The movie (which normally runs backward in time) will now play in chronological order.
THE LANGUAGE POLICE AWARD
Words That Changed Their Meanings
We make our living with words, so Uncle John takes them seriously.
We strive for precision, but it’s almost impossible when there are
so many commonly misused words and phrases. Even worse?
When the incorrect meaning has become the accepted
meaning. We’re calling the language police!
LANGUAGE LOVE
By most estimates, the English language includes about one million words, yet native speakers regularly use only about 5,000. And they don’t always get the ones they do use correct. Like all languages, English is constantly changing—new words are added, old words are phased out, and new word combinations are formed all the time.
But the following examples of language changes cause trouble for people who like to use their words correctly because these words and phrases have pretty much lost their original meanings.
BEG THE QUESTION
If an event or happening raises a question for someone, it’s almost certain he or she will say, “This begs the question . . .” But it doesn’t. Begging the question is a verbal trick speakers use to avoid a question, not bring one up. The original definition of begging the question meant to assume that what is being questioned had already been proven to be true, so the answer sidestepped the thing in question. Say you were asked a question that just required a simple yes or no answer. But instead of saying yes, you answer with a statement that assumes the thing in question is already true. That’s begging the question.
For example, if the question is, “Senator, will this new crime bill be effective?” and he or she answers with a statement that doesn’t answer it—“I’ve been fighting crime my entire career, and this crime bill is the latest example of that”—then the speaker has begged the question.
It’s a common practice in formal debate, and it’s especially prevalent in politics. In the example above, the speaker is acting as though the crime bill is definitely effective, even though he or she never answered the basic question with a yes or no. Assuming the question is true is not evidence that it is.
From that, be
g the question evolved in the language to mean that the statement invites another obvious question. Anytime you run verbal circles around the question without answering it can be called begging the question in this sense (although strict grammarians frown upon it; they like to keep the original meaning).
DECIMATE
It’s hard to believe that such a simple word hides such a horrific history. The original definition of “decimate” was “to kill one in ten.” The brutal practice was used by the Roman army beginning around the 5th century B.C. and was implemented as a way to inspire fear and loyalty. Lots were drawn, and one out of every 10 soldiers would be killed—by their own comrades. If one member of a squad acted up, anybody could pay the ultimate price. Captured armies sometimes fell victim to this practice as well.
Today, “decimate” has lost that meaning, but some grammarians still like to preserve it . . . at least in the sense of “to reduce by 10 percent.” The “dec” prefix means “ten”—it’s the same Latin root that gives us decade, for example. So to use “decimate” to mean just “destroy” contradicts the meaning of that prefix. (Note: Language snobs really get up in arms when someone says “totally decimate.” Totally reduce by ten? We don’t get it, either.)
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Golden Plunger Awards Page 21