“I love to shoot skeet. My mother taught me as a kid and I enjoy the challenge.”
“Your mother? I’m surprised. Geez, I’m being sexist. I was about to say that I would have thought it would be your dad’s sport. Sorry.” Jaylin winced.
“Yeah, that did sound sexist. My mom was on the U.S. Olympic skeet team for several years. One of my fondest memories is traveling to Barcelona when I was thirteen to watch her compete. It was the last year the team was combined men and women. The Olympic committee introduced the women’s event in two thousand, and she traveled to Sydney. That was her last Olympics. She died of cancer in two thousand eight.”
“I’m so sorry, Kristen. I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.” Jaylin took Kristen’s hand.
“My memories of her sickness are awful, obviously, but as my mother, she was great. From her, I learned that I could do whatever I put my mind to, but from both of my parents, I learned the value of hard work and financial prudence.” Kristen smiled and squeezed Jaylin’s hand. Jaylin had intertwined their fingers while she’d been talking, and the feeling of rightness took her by surprise.
“I never knew my mother,” Jaylin said. “My younger brother and I grew up in the foster care system. I guess you could say I’ve had several mothers. None of them much good.”
Kristen quickly changed the subject. “What time is the flea-bitten dog coming in?” She didn’t want to go into any more personal stuff, and the pain in Jaylin’s eyes told her there was a larger story there.
Jaylin checked her watch. “In about ten minutes.”
Kristen sat back in her chair and watched the birds flitting about the feeder. Her thoughts strayed to lunch the first time she’d met Jaylin. It had been a bit uncomfortable. They’d both shied away from anything too personal, so this revelation about her mother surprised her. For some reason, she wanted Jaylin to trust her enough to confide in her.
She’d been allowed a glimpse of some inner turmoil that Jaylin probably didn’t realize she showed, and Kristen felt compelled to soothe her. She found it hard to believe anyone would have treated Jaylin badly. She’d said her practice had been “good” for her. Kristen wondered what that meant. None of my business. They had to work together. Maybe they could be friends. Nothing more.
*
“Thanks for helping me with this stump racing business. I think Zigzag likes it.” Kristen smoothly dismounted to join Debby and Shadow standing at the end of the course.
“No problem. I enjoyed it, and Shadow needed the practice. I know this is a complete change of subject, but I want to know why you didn’t tell me about this new doctor at Dr. B’s clinic.”
“I did tell you about her.”
“Yeah, but you were supposed to let me know if she was hot. I stopped in to talk to Dr. B about Shadow’s worming schedule, and I saw her at Sarah’s desk. She’s a knockout. She was leaning against the wall smiling at Sarah when I was leaving. Jesus, those eyes. When she looked up at me, I felt her peering inside me, searching my soul. When she looked away, I wanted her. I’d have torn open that lab coat, pushed her against that wall and reached inside to—”
“Debby. Deb, hey. I have to work with this woman. Let it go.” Kristen shook her head to dislodge the thought of Jaylin naked.
“Sorry, friend. I’m just relaying the incredible fantasy she evoked. I’m getting wet just thinking about her. I bet she had on some kind of sexy black lace bikini panties. She left before I had a chance to introduce myself.” Debby and Shadow followed Kristen to the barn.
“I’m sure you can catch her in the clinic any day of the week. Maybe you could grab a stray cat and make an appointment.” Kristen pulled off Zigzag’s saddle and blanket and picked up a brush.
“Maybe if you introduce me as your friend, she’ll be more likely to accept an invitation to the club. I bet she’d look way hot in leather.” Debby slid her saddle off Shadow and stowed it on a rack.
Kristen tried unsuccessfully to rid herself of the vision of Jaylin in leather. She bristled at the thought of Debby and Jaylin together at the leather bar. She had no claim on Jaylin and wanted none. Why shouldn’t she and Debby hook up? Would Jaylin even want that? Kristen continued brushing Zigzag, relaxing into the familiar task and letting her mind wander.
She was better off alone. It was safer. Her father needed her, and relationships took up too much time. She couldn’t allow that to happen. The occasional hookup she had with a woman at her rodeo events was more about their mutual physical need than any genuine connection. She had her Appaloosa, her skeet shooting, and her dad. That was all she needed. Her mind knew better than her heart.
“Jaylin will probably come to the fairground next week. I can introduce you then,” Kristen said.
Maybe Jaylin already had a lover, although that seemed unlikely from the bits she’d gathered from the few conversations they’d had. That thought did nothing to relieve the ache in her belly.
Chapter Six
Jaylin pulled her Volvo into the end spot in the Greenwood Cemetery parking lot. She opened the back door and signaled to Railroad to heel. They walked along a short path lined with purple and pink rose of Sharon to an area in the middle of the cemetery.
“Hey, you. I brought a friend with me today.” Jaylin sat on the ground facing her brother’s bronze grave marker. “This is Railroad. She was tied to a railroad track, left to die. Now she’s my best friend.” Railroad dropped to a down position on command, and Jaylin pulled her close. She removed the overgrown grass and brushed the dirt from her brother’s marker. Roy Meyers 1981-1998. She pulled out the inset vase and filled it with the flowers she’d brought, then leaned back on her hands and sighed. She had no idea how her younger brother had died, or why he’d gone so young. She’d worried over the years about who’d raised him and what sort of young man he’d become. She hoped she’d been a positive influence in the few childhood years they’d shared when they’d lived not far from Novi, before they’d been separated. Now that she lived closer, she could visit him more often.
“I sold my practice and moved here to Novi. My new place has a bird feeder.” She thought of the stories she used to make up about the birds on the days she’d been locked out of the house after school.
That one’s from Ohio, and that one flew all the way from Pennsylvania.
Tears leaked out the corner of her eyes as she allowed memories to surface. Jaylin had always thought the tears would stop, or at least turn to happy-memory tears. But that day had yet to arrive. Railroad whined and settled her head in Jaylin’s lap. “I’m lonely, Roy. And I miss you,” Jaylin barely whispered. “Railroad and I’ll be back again soon.”
Jaylin stood and signaled her dog to heel on the way back to her car. The spring morning sunshine warmed her face, and after filling the dog bowl she carried in her car and giving Railroad a drink, she walked her to the dog run area. She wondered why a cemetery would bother with a dog run, but whispered a thank you to whoever came up with the idea.
Later, before getting on the road, Jaylin sat in the driver’s seat with the windows open enjoying the cool caress of the spring breeze on her cheeks. She ate a sandwich, drank her iced tea, and let her mind wander. What was Kristen doing on her day off? She’d surprised herself when she’d told Kristen about her mother. She hadn’t told anyone about her past in years. She wondered what it was about Kristen that inspired that kind of trust. They’d been working together for a week, and their initial discomfort had faded. Kristen showed up on time or early to prepare the exam room or surgery room, she meticulously kept track of the drug cabinet, and she never hesitated to help restrain a patient. They’d fallen into a comfortable routine of taking lunch breaks outside, and she was beginning to entertain the idea that they could be friends. She simply had to figure out how to stifle the persistent desire to kiss her. Friendship, she could handle. Nothing more.
*
“Good morning, Sarah.” Jaylin stopped at the reception desk on her way to the clinic. “Will I be b
usy today?”
“Good morning, Dr. Meyers. Yeah. It looks as if you’re booked for the day. The small animal side of the practice is taking off.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear it. Please call me Jaylin, or Jay if you prefer. I don’t see any need for formalities.”
“Thanks, Jaylin.” Sarah smiled. “You have one patient who insisted on being first on your schedule today.”
“Who is it?” Jaylin leaned over the counter to see the computer screen.
“It’s a Bob Miller. He says his puppy knows you and won’t go to any other veterinarian. Are all small animal owners this loyal?” Sarah looked so flummoxed that Jaylin had to laugh.
“I guess some are. I’ve known Bob for several years, and this is the second puppy that I’ve taken care of for him. What time is he coming in?”
“Ten o’clock.”
“Thanks. I’ll talk to you later.” Jaylin ambled to her office in the adjoining building and opened her laptop. She filled her coffee cup as she waited for her computer to boot up and silently thanked Bill for his Wi-Fi. When she sat at her desk and opened her e-mail, she nearly choked on her coffee. Curiosity forced her to open it, and she stared at the e-mail from the one person she hoped never to hear from again.
I see you’re working in Novi. Closer to where you started. You still belong to me, you know. We had something special and I know you want it again. I know what you need.
Jaylin’s hands trembled as she set down her coffee cup and scrolled down the message.
Remember when you’d strip for me? One button at a time. We can do that again. I promise I can take care of you. You can be mine again. We were so good together. Remember?
Jaylin felt the stirring start between her legs at the memory. Damn her. If Sally still had power over her with only her words, what did that say? Was she still so weak she couldn’t resist the pull of false promises? Did her desire to have someone love her still trump her self-worth? She didn’t want to be owned. She wanted the mutual love and respect that Sally had deceived her into believing she could give her. Jaylin slammed her laptop closed. It was time for a meeting.
*
Jaylin stopped in the kitchenette for a glass of water and a minute to compose herself before going to the exam room where Bob Miller waited.
“Bob. How’ve you been? It’s good to see you.” Jaylin shook the hand that dwarfed hers. “I see Bambi has grown into a handsome young dog.”
Bob shuffled his feet and grinned at the compliment. “Yeah, he’s special, this one. All my other bulldogs seem boring now. Bambi’s real smart.” Bob lifted the seven-month-old puppy to set him on the exam table.
“He looks great. What did you bring him in for today?”
Bob shifted his substantial weight from foot to foot. “I kind of wanted to find out where you were and if we could, well, if we could maybe see if he’s ready for his surgery.” Bob’s face glowed red as he shifted his gaze around the room.
“Ah. I know you want a well-behaved pet, and I know you’re a responsible pet owner. Having this surgery will keep Bambi calm and content. But you know that. Let’s check him out.” Jaylin moved her stethoscope around Bambi’s chest, poked and prodded his bulky frame, and finished her exam with a pat to his head. “He looks plenty healthy, Bob. I think we could neuter him anytime. I prefer to do blood work before any surgery. I’ll take a sample today, and if everything looks good, you can make an appointment for anytime you’re ready.”
“How much will it cost me? I mean now that you’re at this fancy horse clinic and all.”
Jaylin hadn’t expected that reaction and hesitated before responding. “Fancy horse clinic, huh? I don’t know about that, but I know I want Bambi safe. There’s no extra charge for the blood work. Years ago, I had a surgery patient that had an undiagnosed, rare blood disorder. Since then I check every animal before surgery.”
“Thanks, Dr. Jay. I’ll make an appointment as soon as I hear from you.”
“Sounds good. I’ll call you with the results of the blood tests.” Jaylin reached to squeeze Bob’s arm. “Thanks for driving all the way out here.”
Bob shifted foot to foot again. “I was glad when I got your letter. I called your office, and Rose offered to make an appointment with the new vet, but Bambi trusts you.”
“I made the decision to move,” Jaylin said. “And I think it’s been a good one. I didn’t want the new vet to think I was trying to steal clients away, but I felt the need to let a few of my long-time clients know where I was going. I’m glad you found the place.”
“It wasn’t hard. It only took me half an hour to get here. I think Bambi enjoyed the ride. Bye, Doc.” Bob plodded toward the exit and waved as he commanded Bambi to heel.
Jaylin didn’t want anything to go wrong with Bambi’s surgery, and she made a mental note to request Kristen be available for assisting. She ignored the fluttering in her belly at the thought of spending time with Kristen.
*
“My name is Jaylin, and I’m glad this meeting is still here.” Jaylin paused as uncertainty paralyzed her. Could she admit how pathetic she felt? She’d fallen back into her “I’m not good enough, so I’ll settle for anyone who wants me” mode. “It’s been a few years since I’ve been to a meeting, but I recently realized that I’m not fixed yet. I may never be, but I’m willing to work toward healthier relationships. My sanity and my life depend on it.”
Jaylin sat back and accepted the appreciation of the many voices welcoming her back and proclaiming her worth. Realizing that Sally could still affect her from only an e-mail, prompted her to make the twenty-mile trip to the safety of the lesbian Codependents Anonymous group where she’d found support and understanding before, and after, Sally.
“Dr. Meyers. It’s good to see you again.” A tall, dark-haired, sixty-something, buxom woman pulled Jaylin out of her seat and wrapped her in a hug as she spoke.
“Maggie. I’m glad to be back. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it until I came tonight. I’m afraid I’m floundering with my self-worth.” Jaylin snuggled into the warmth and security of her former sponsor’s hug. She never wanted to move.
Maggie held her until Jaylin pulled away. She knew that Maggie would hold her for an hour if Jaylin needed it. Gratitude swelled in her heart as she stepped back and grabbed Maggie’s hands. “Still calling me doctor, huh?”
Maggie clasped both of Jaylin’s hands and held them to her chest before speaking. “You, young lady, ought never to forget your huge accomplishment. You put yourself through college, became a skilled veterinarian, and have your own clinic. You deserve the respect of the title you worked hard to earn. Now, let’s sit and tell me what’s going on in your life.”
Jaylin hesitated. It’d been a long time since she’d talked about her relationship with Sally and the pitiful way she’d ended it. “Sally contacted me. That she did is scary enough, but the worst part is that I found I still react to her. I thought I’d purged her out of my life and my system.” Jaylin blew out a breath, sat, and rested her chin in her hands while shaking her head.
“It sounds as if you haven’t quite grasped the lesson you fought to learn with Sally. Did she confront you?” Maggie sat across from Jaylin and leaned back in her chair; her mellow voice soothed some of Jaylin’s distress.
“No. I reacted to an e-mail. Not even face-to-face. She got to me with a damned e-mail.” Jaylin flopped back into her chair, trying to ground herself.
“Believing you’re unworthy of value and love can be the hardest belief to overcome.” Maggie took Jaylin’s hands in hers. “You can do it. I know you can. You’re a strong woman and have a lot to offer the right woman. You deserve to be treated well.”
“I guess I’ll have to keep telling myself that until I believe it.” Jaylin squeezed Maggie’s hands and forced a smile. “It was hard to get through all the therapy after my last foster home before I went to college, but maybe I need to go back to therapy. I’m still afraid no one will stay with me. I remember whe
n Sally chose me. I was so happy I’d finally found someone who wanted me, picked me. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I was worth something. What a mistake.” Jaylin covered her face with her hands.
“Listen to me. Yes, you made a bad choice in Sally, but that does not define who you are.” Maggie rested her hand gently on Jaylin’s shoulder.
“I know, Maggie. Five years of therapy and many more Codependents Anonymous meetings have taught me something.” She raised her head and smiled. “I’m working tomorrow, so I’d better head home. Thank you for spending time with me tonight. I needed this meeting.”
“I’m happy you came back to us,” Maggie said. “I know I’ve missed you.” She wrapped Jaylin in another hug. “Be careful driving home, and come back soon. You know how it works.”
“It works if you work it,” they said in unison.
Chapter Seven
Jaylin filled the bird feeder before sitting at the outside table. Her meeting had helped to ground her, but she questioned her ability to ignore the pull of Sally’s words. Her loneliness had been invading her dreams, as well as her days, lately. She couldn’t figure out why it seemed so intense now. She was happy with her new clinic. She had Railroad and a nice place to live that was closer to Roy, and she’d reconnected with her CoDA group. So why do I still feel lost?
“Good morning, Doc,” Kristen said.
“Hi, Kristen.” Jaylin continued to sip her coffee quietly, still contemplating her past.
“Do we have a busy day?” Kristen sat across from Jaylin and poured herself a cup of coffee from the carafe.
“It doesn’t sound like it. Sarah said there was an emergency on its way, but I haven’t heard anything yet.”
“So, should I get the surgery room prepped? Did she say what kind of emergency?”
The Courage to Try Page 4