“God, Maggie. I don’t know. I’m still so unsure of myself.”
“It sounds as though you’ve come to a place where you believe Kristen will respect you. Am I right?”
“Yes. I do believe that.” Jaylin smiled, remembering the tenderness of Kristen’s touch and her gentle kisses.
“So, do you think you don’t deserve her respect?”
“I don’t know. I managed to let Sally know I didn’t want anything to do with her. I got rid of her because she didn’t respect me, so I think I’m at a place where I believe I deserve respect.”
“Great. When did that happen?”
“Last week I met her at that bar downtown. I let her believe that leaving me was her idea instead of mine. I’m glad to be rid of her.” Jaylin grinned, remembering the stunned look on Sally’s face when she’d stomped on her foot.
“Good job. I’m proud of you.” Maggie walked around the table to pull Jaylin into a hug. “You realize that’s a big deal, don’t you?” She held Jaylin at arm’s length.
“Yeah. I do. I rather surprised myself with it all. I was nervous as hell, but I did it anyway. Now I just have to figure out where all that courage came from and what to do about Kristen.” Jaylin sighed and settled back into her seat.
“You told me Kristen isn’t interested in a serious relationship, but with all the kissing you talk about, it sounds as though maybe she is.” Maggie took the seat next to Jaylin.
“We acknowledged our attraction to each other, but we agreed to be friends and not go any further. We’re not teenagers. We can control ourselves. At least, we try.”
“Huh. Is it a problem for you? Just being friends?”
“I think it might be. I have feelings for her that go beyond friendship, and they scare the crap out of me. I’m less worried about being good enough than the certainty it won’t work out. That it’s preordained she’ll leave me.”
“Sounds like awareness to me. You’re aware of your fears and insecurities.”
“Oh, I’m aware of them. I’m not sure why I’m letting them keep me from exploring what Kristen and I might have together, though.” Jaylin frowned and shook her head.
“Can you accept them?”
“Accept them? Do I have a choice?” Jaylin struggled unsuccessfully to keep the bitterness and resentment out of her question.
“Always,” Maggie said.
“I suppose if I accept them, it makes them real. I want them to go away. I want them to not be true.”
Maggie placed her hand over Jaylin’s. “People change because they’re in pain. Pain is defined in as many ways as there are people who feel it. It sounds to me as if you’re hurting. You hurt because you fear your insecurities, but you want Kristen.” Maggie released Jaylin’s hand. “Maybe if you’re brave enough to try something more serious with Kristen, the two of you could grow and change together. You could learn to trust each other, as well as yourselves. In my experience, if you don’t try, you’ll never know.”
*
Jaylin prepared for her next patient. Sarah indicated that it was another obese dog, and Jaylin hoped it wasn’t another pregnancy. She sat in her office and considered her options with Kristen. They’d spoken a few times on the phone since the shooting event, but as if by some unspoken agreement, they hadn’t made plans to see each other. Jaylin could feel their distancing, and it made her sad. Or was it only her? Was she protecting herself from the inevitable?
Sarah’s text interrupted her thoughts, and within five minutes, a gray haired woman entered the exam room with a rotund Chihuahua. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Lynley. Who do we have here?” Jaylin observed the hefty dog in his owner’s arms from across the exam table. He, and it was a he, didn’t look happy. He bared his tiny teeth and curled his lips. She had no doubt he would love to take a chunk out of her hand if he got the chance. His growling began as soon as his owner set him on the table.
“Oh, don’t mind Pepe’s growls. He does that to everyone except me. So, you’re the new vet here, huh?”
“Yes.” Jaylin kept one eye on the disgruntled patient as she spoke. “My name is Dr. Meyers. I’ve been here a couple of months. What did you bring Pepe in for today?”
“My daughter told me to bring him here. She thinks he’s too fat. Do you think he’s too fat?” Mrs. Lynley lifted the little dog’s front legs to display his protruding belly.
Jaylin carefully placed her stethoscope on Pepe’s chest and listened intently for a minute, trying to hear over the little dog’s growling and snapping, and then slowly moved it away. “It looks as if he could stand to lose some weight. He’ll feel much better if he does.”
“My daughter said the same thing. She thinks he’s miserable because he’s so big.”
“She may be right. Overweight dogs can get sore joints, and all their organs have to work extra hard. What kind of dog food are you feeding Pepe?”
Mrs. Lynley sighed and shrugged. “That’s another thing my daughter said. That he shouldn’t be eating people food. I give Pepe the same thing I eat. I figured if it was good enough for me, it should be good enough for him.” She sighed again.
“I have to agree with your daughter again, Mrs. Lynley. I’ll give you a sample of some healthy reduced calorie food you can try, and I have some literature I’ll send home with you to read. Dogs have different nutritional needs than we do. I believe Pepe will lose weight and feel better if you put him on a healthy diet for dogs, and it may even change his temperament a little.”
“I suppose I better try it. He won’t be happy, I assure you of that.”
“Just try easing him into the change slowly. Start mixing some of the healthy dog food in with whatever you’re feeding him now. Try mixing it half-and-half for a week or two then cut that in half for a couple more weeks. See how he does. You can bring him in anytime and we can monitor his progress.” Jaylin had inched her hand slowly toward Pepe while he was distracted and managed to feel his bloated belly. He twisted his head to regard her as if surprised.
“I’ll give it a try, Dr. Meyers. I haven’t seen anyone except me be able to touch him since he was a puppy. I guess if he trusts you, I will as well. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Mrs. Lynley. As I said, bring him back anytime if you need anything.”
Jaylin walked Mrs. Lynley out to Sarah’s desk and gave her a few sample bags of reduced calorie dog food. “Good luck. It was nice to meet you and Pepe.” I need to tell Kristen about this one.
“That was a huge Chihuahua,” Sarah whispered.
Jaylin laughed. “Yes, it was. I’ll be in my office waiting for Judy,” she said. “Just send her to the exam room when she gets here.”
“Will do. I can’t wait to see her new puppy.”
Jaylin smiled. She never tired of the puppies. “Me too.” Jaylin went to wipe down the exam room table, and her next patient came in within minutes.
“Good afternoon, Judy. Let’s take a look at this little cutie.” She bent to eye level and grinned as the puppy wagged her tiny tail. “Does she have a name yet?”
“Hi, Dr. Meyers. I named her Annie. Actually, my Irish grandmother named her. She took one look at her blue eyes and called her Annie.”
Jaylin held Annie close to her body and listened to her heart. “Everything sounds normal. I’m guessing Annie is about eight or nine weeks old. Those blue eyes may change to brown in a couple of weeks. Will your grandmother want you to change her name?”
Judy laughed and held Annie while Jaylin took her temperature. “No, I think Annie will be her name. Gram had a dog named Annie years ago that looked like this one.”
“Did you say you rescued her from a puppy mill?” Jaylin frowned at the readout on the thermometer.
“Actually, I got her from a woman in Ohio who had several litters she’d rescued. She came home from work one day and found a garbage bag full of newborn puppies on her doorstep. She nursed the ones that survived the best she could, but she didn’t have room for all of them in her house, so
she put the older ones outside in a pen. I had a different one picked out to adopt, but Annie kept following me around and beseeching me with those soulful eyes. She was covered in mud and feces, had fleas, and, I believe, she was surviving on the droppings of the other dogs. She was the tiniest of the puppies outside, so she was usually shoved aside at feeding time. I’m sure she’ll need to be treated for worms.” Judy stroked Annie’s tiny body as she spoke.
“Well, it sounds like Annie sure lucked out. She probably wouldn’t have survived long in those conditions. Her temperature is elevated, but that might be from worms.” Jaylin separated Annie’s hair and looked for signs of fleas.
“The first thing I did when I brought her home was bathe her. I found a flea powder that was safe for puppies, so I powdered her up with it and set off flea bombs in my house.”
Jaylin lifted the little dog and set her on the scale. “I’ll give you some samples of vitamins and puppy food. She’s probably safe from heartworm, but her bloated belly looks like she’s full of other ones. Have you seen any blood in her stool?”
“No. In fact, I brought a sample with me.” Judy pulled a plastic bag out of her purse and handed it to Jaylin.
“Thank you. I’ll give you a call tomorrow with the test results.” Jaylin set Annie back on the table and cupped her tiny head in her hands as she spoke. “You are going to grow into a strong, healthy, beautiful dog.”
Judy smiled and gently transferred Annie to her carrier. “Thank you, Dr. Meyers. I agree.”
Jaylin pondered the fate of the young dog as she sipped her tea in her office. Annie was an abandoned, mistreated newborn, unwanted and dismissed. Now she had a safe home and a promising future. Annie hadn’t shied away when she’d been examined; in fact, she’d wagged her tail and accepted Jaylin’s touch trustingly. Did she sense that she was being helped? She didn’t allow her difficult past to stop her from trying for a loving home. Jaylin sighed. Maybe she could learn from a puppy’s courage.
Jaylin hung up her lab coat and frowned at the pervasive sense of sadness that overtook her. She missed Kristen, but she could feel herself detaching, shielding herself.
She stopped to fill the bird feeder on her way to her car. She heard the ping of a text message as she slid into her driver’s seat.
I’m riding in the stump race at the far end of the fairgrounds Saturday. I hope you can make it. I’ll buy you lemonade. K
Would it be easier if she just ignored the text? Could she? She started her car and headed home, a place that felt altogether too big and empty these days.
Chapter Twenty-five
Kristen relaxed into the lightweight riding saddle and let Zigzag amble along the path through the woods of her ten-acre property. She reached down to pat his muscular neck. This was her refuge, her escape to quietude. Surrounded by the trees, birds, deer, and squirrels, she could let her mind wander.
She followed the path to a small clearing surrounded by white pines. “Let’s visit the earth awhile.” She slid out of the saddle, pulled a small apple out of the pouch she wore, and fed it to Zigzag. She pulled out a bottle of water for herself and watched her horse chew the apple, such a small thing, so thoroughly enjoyed. She spread out the blanket she’d brought along and settled under one of the pine trees. She immersed herself in the serenity of the scent of decaying leaves, pine needles, and the fleeting sounds of birds distancing themselves from the interloper. The sunshine filtered through the branches, casting slivers of light across the ground.
“I don’t know what to think of this Jaylin situation.” Zigzag stood to the right of her with his reins hanging over her shoulder, his eyelids closed. Kristen smiled at his indifference as she idly twirled the ends of the reins.
Jaylin only wanted friendship, and that’s all Kristen wanted as well. She didn’t have time for anything serious. And she could tell Jaylin had been bored at the skeet-shooting event. They’d enjoyed a nice dinner, but she’d sensed Jaylin withdrawing, and she hadn’t heard from her regarding the text she’d sent her days ago. They had agreed to ignore their mutual attraction, and then they had spent several days together. Maybe it was too much. Or maybe she’s just doing what we said we’d do.
She’d worked with Jaylin, and she’d seen her interact with Bill and the patients and their owners. She’d sat at the little table outside of the clinic, and they’d shared bits and pieces of their lives. Jaylin was intelligent, tender, and sensitive, and felt perfect in her arms.
Maybe Jaylin didn’t want to try for friendship anymore. Maybe it was too difficult. She could tell Jaylin’s disclosure about her childhood had been hard for her. Kristen couldn’t imagine growing up without parents and having to fend for yourself. It’s no wonder she’s so self-sufficient and independent.
How did Jaylin spend her free time? Did she drink coffee and read the paper in bed on Sunday mornings? She wanted to know the answers and she wasn’t sure what that meant. Maybe Jaylin would show up Saturday. She hoped so. She’d send her an e-mail and wait for her answer. Until then, she’d remind herself that Jaylin was only a friend, as often as she needed to. Kristen pulled her phone out and scrolled to Kelly’s number.
*
“Would you like something to drink?” Kelly asked. She’d wound her arms around Kristen’s neck as soon as she’d walked into her house.
“A beer would be nice, thanks.” She pulled away and held Kelly’s gaze. She noted Kelly’s light blue eyes. Not hazel flecked with gold.
“Let’s sit out on the patio by the hot tub,” Kelly said. She retrieved two beers from the fridge. “Did you bring your suit?”
Kristen took a swallow of her beer and sat on one of the cushioned patio chairs. She scanned the expanse of fenced yard where Pogo grazed. “I didn’t even think of it.”
“Good. The water jets feel much nicer without one.” Kelly set her beer down, straddled Kristen’s lap, and began unbuttoning her shirt.
Kristen hesitated a moment before giving in to Kelly’s seduction. She cupped her chin and kissed her thoroughly.
Kelly pulled out of their kiss to finish unfastening her top. “Let’s get in the tub. I have plans for you.”
They both stood, shed their clothes, and Kristen pulled Kelly tightly against her body. She pushed her thigh between Kelly’s legs, eliciting a moan. “Oh, yes. I’m so glad you called today. I’ve missed you.”
Kelly pushed her breasts against hers but drew away far enough to slide her hands between them and circle her nipples with her thumbs. Images flashed through her mind of Jaylin’s beautiful hands. She wanted those hands on her breasts, teasing her nipples. A flood of heat spread through her. This isn’t right. She liked Kelly, and she was a friend. She couldn’t make love to her while thinking of Jaylin. This was pathetic. She eased away from Kelly’s touch and gently clasped her hands between her own.
Before she could speak, Kelly grabbed Kristen’s hand and shoved it between her legs. “Feel what you do to me.”
Kelly was warm and wet. Why shouldn’t she indulge? Kelly wanted her. Needed her. Jaylin didn’t want anything more than friendship. They weren’t even supposed to kiss. She fingered Kelly’s clit, spreading her wetness with the barest of touches until Kelly was writhing in her arms, pushing against her hand. “Oh, God, Kristen, yes!” Kelly cried out.
Kristen teased her opening with her middle finger and took her mouth with the ferocity of someone drowning. She backed Kelly against the edge of the raised Jacuzzi and slowly eased her finger into her. She massaged her clit with her thumb until she felt Kelly tighten around her finger. She slid her finger deeper and nuzzled her neck.
Kelly squeezed Kristen’s nipple with one hand and rammed Kristen’s hand against herself while riding her finger and rocking her hips.
“Do you want to get into the hot tub?” Kristen whispered and nibbled Kelly’s earlobe.
“If you stop now I’ll run you over with my horse.”
“We can’t have that.” Kristen fondled Kelly’s breast and continued her
ministrations.
“OhmyGod. I’m coming.” Kelly clutched her shoulders and shuddered in her arms.
Kristen held her tightly and kissed her lightly on the mouth. “Am I safe from a stampeding Pogo now?”
Kelly rested her head on Kristen’s shoulder and chuckled. “Absolutely. Have I mentioned how glad I am you came over today?”
Kristen eased her hand away from Kelly’s heat and led her to a lounge chair. She held Kelly close until the cool air began to chill their overheated bodies.
“We should probably get dressed. It’s getting chilly lying here,” Kristen said.
Kelly sighed against Kristen’s chest and mumbled incoherently.
Kristen gently moved Kelly off her and collected her clothes. She found a blanket inside Kelly’s house and covered her before brushing a kiss on her lips and leaving. She carried Kelly’s scent on her fingers. She wished it were Jaylin’s. That thought excited her more than anything she and Kelly had just done.
She went home and took care of her own desires, all the while thinking of Jaylin’s hazel eyes and smile, rather than the woman she’d just been with.
*
“Whoa. Take it easy, Kris. I know Zigzag is fast. You don’t have to prove that to me.” Debby and Kristen had been taking turns practicing the keyhole event, and Kristen was pushing her gelding hard. She pulled on his reins and slid out of the saddle.
“Sorry, Deb. I’m a little off today. I don’t need to take it out on my boy here.” She patted him on the neck while she walked him around the ring to cool down.
Debby dismounted and pulled Shadow along to walk beside Kristen and Zigzag. “So, what’s up?”
“I don’t know, Deb.” Kristen stopped walking and petted Zigzag’s soft nose. “Kelly and I hooked up, but I kept wishing it were Jaylin. That she was the one I was teasing to orgasm. I’m all turned around about her.”
The Courage to Try Page 16