“Well. It sounds as if she rocked your world and scared herself.”
“She never said a word about it all, except that she was sorry and that she panicked and that she felt things for me. I told her I had strong feelings for her, and then we talked. She told me she was afraid she’d repeat her previous mistakes. She ended up telling me that she wanted to try to open up with me and see where it went. Now I’m going to Texas for five days without telling her. I’m acting like a two-year-old.” Kristen paced the length of the porch, her hands stuffed in her pockets.
“Yep. You are. Why aren’t you telling her you’re going?”
“God, I don’t know. Maybe because I’m going with Kelly,” Kristen said.
“Ah. You think Jaylin will be jealous? It’s not like you to play games.”
“I care about her. I care about her a lot. I just can’t seem to let her know how much. Every time I see her I want to kiss her. It’s all so damn complicated.”
“I’m certainly not one to be counted on for good advice, but it seems to me both of you are too scared to take a chance on each other. I’m a little surprised that Jaylin is like that, though. She’s a brave woman. I never told you that I saw her at the bar one night with a woman who turned out to be her ex-lover. I was minding my own business at the bar when I recognized her. Her ex threw her to the floor and slapped a handcuff on her wrist. And it sure as hell didn’t look like a mutual thing.”
“Debby! You never told me about that!” Jaylin didn’t either “Did she hurt her? What happened? Didn’t you try to help her?” Kristen shot out of her chair and barely refrained from throwing her water bottle.
“It turned out all right. Sit down. Jaylin let her have it. She had a slick move and stomped on her foot. It was great, and yes, I did step in to help her, but she didn’t need my help. And that other woman limped out of the bar with her tail between her legs.” Debby pulled her down into her seat. “So, why aren’t you telling her about your trip?”
“I don’t know, Deb. I suppose I should let her know I’m going, but it almost feels like she needs some space to figure out her feelings. I think I might, too. If I tell her, it’s like I’m checking in, or expecting her to want to know, or something. If I don’t, then there’s no pressure.” Kristen hung her head and sighed. Jaylin had grown up with nobody who truly cared about her, nobody who stayed around to love her, and here she was going to Texas without even telling her she was leaving. She was an ass. “Jaylin’s a brave woman. Braver than me.”
*
Jaylin was glad for a full day of patients. She finished making notes regarding follow up treatment for a heartworm-infected retriever while forcing aside thoughts of where Kristen and Kelly were, and what they were doing. They’d probably gone riding somewhere. It could be something they do every Thursday now that Kristen wasn’t working anymore. Obsessing about it would only drive her crazy. She concentrated on her next patient, an Airedale puppy. She always loved meeting puppies. She checked her watch and looked at her cell phone. Eleven o’clock. No text. She headed to the exam room.
“Good morning, Becky. I’m Dr. Meyers. I understand you have a new puppy.” She smiled at the young woman holding the pup.
“Hi, Dr. Meyers. The breeder I got Hector from referred me to you—Julie Winters.”
“Oh, yes. I’m glad she sent you to me. Tell her I said hello when you talk to her. Let’s take a look at Hector.”
Jaylin gave the puppy a thorough physical and made note of his previous vaccinations. She walked Becky out to Sarah’s desk and said good-bye before heading to lunch. She wondered if Kristen and Kelly were having lunch somewhere.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Jaylin pulled into the expansive parking lot of the fairgrounds and proceeded to the same arena she’d seen Kristen before. She didn’t see Zigzag or any other familiar horse. The racing had begun so she watched until the last contestants readied to ride. She was about to go look for Kristen when a conversation behind her caught her attention.
“It’s too bad Pogo and Kelly ain’t here. That big bay is gonna take this race.”
“Yeah, and where’s the App? He always gives everyone a run.”
“I think they both went down to that rodeo in Texas. Leo told me he seen ’em talkin’ in the barn last week.”
“Huh. It sure is more interesting when them two are riding.”
Jaylin willed her gut to settle before she stood, her legs shaky, and began the hike across the grounds and past the arenas. She felt her composure slip when she turned toward the woman calling to her.
“Jaylin, hi. Wait up a second.”
She recognized the friend of Kristen’s who’d offered her help with Sally. “Hi, Debby.” She walked to the fence and pasted on a smile.
“How are you doing?” Debby asked.
“I’m good.” Jaylin forced the smile to stay in place. “Nice looking horse.”
“Thanks. This is Shadow.”
Jaylin rubbed his soft muzzle. “I was just heading home. Did you compete today?”
“Yeah. I just finished. We took third place. Were you here to watch us?”
“No, actually I came to see Kristen, but apparently, she didn’t ride today.” Jaylin shoved away the anger and hurt threatening to suffocate her.
“Um, no. She’s not here today.” Debby shifted from foot to foot.
“I guess that rodeo in Texas was too appealing to resist.” Jaylin clenched her jaw and took a settling breath.
Debby stopped shifting and smiled. “I’m so glad she told you. She was all torn up about it…but she probably let you know that.”
Jaylin snorted. “No, Debby. She didn’t tell me anything. Not one word about it. I just overheard the news from some strangers in the stands. I’m going home. Take care.” Jaylin turned away and headed to her car.
That explained why Kristen hadn’t responded to her text messages. She was too busy with that hot little blonde, doing who knows what, in Texas. Jaylin’s gut roiled and she finally allowed the tears to flow. Kristen had no reason to feel obligated to tell her where she was going, but after their conversation last weekend, she thought they were close enough she would have. It had felt like they were going to give it a chance. Apparently, Kristen didn’t trust that she was serious about trying for more between them, though. She left. Just like all the rest. She just left.
Jaylin swiped away the offending waterworks, squared her shoulders, and drove home. This was nothing new. She’d live through it. Another good lesson. I knew better.
Jaylin contemplated her options as she drove. Go home. Drink wine. Forget. That wouldn’t happen. She considered her response to Kristen’s leaving without a word and pondered why it hurt so much. A person walking out of her life was nothing new. She’d obviously invested more in their relationship than Kristen had. But wasn’t she the one who started withdrawing after that gun club shoot? Maybe she’d pushed Kristen away. Even though they’d talked and she’d exposed her feelings to her once, it didn’t mean Kristen would fall down at her feet. Maybe I pushed her away for good. Maybe it’s too late.
Jaylin threw herself onto her bed after taking Railroad out for a short walk. She thought long and hard about her feelings, and the mixed signals she’d been sending Kristen pretty much since the day they’d met. Was it too late? Had she been so cautious she’d lost the chance to have anything with Kristen after all? Whatever the outcome, she needed to be honest with both herself and Kristen.
*
The CoDA meeting had already begun by the time Jaylin slipped into one of the seats at the back of the room. She saw Maggie in her usual spot toward the front. Jaylin knew in her heart that Maggie couldn’t solve her predicament. Somewhere around two a.m., she’d decided Kristen might be worth risking her heart. The problem was she didn’t know what to do next.
“Hi, Maggie.” Jaylin sat at one of the tables with a glass of water after the meeting ended.
“Hey. How’s everything going?” Maggie sat in a chair oppo
site her.
“Not so good. I came here tonight royally pissed off at you, at the whole world.” Jaylin finished her water in several gulps, set the glass down, and held it between her hands, anchoring herself.
“Let me guess. This has something to do with Kristen.” Maggie smiled and Jaylin relaxed slightly.
“I took your advice and decided to let Kristen know how I felt. I—”
“Jaylin, wait.” Maggie frowned. “I try hard not to give advice. I strive to help newcomers work out their concerns by offering my opinion, based on what I hear them say. I hope that I only reflect their fears and offer support by identification. What I love about CoDA, and what has helped me for years, is the connection I feel with members. We can identify with one another’s struggles. I hope your decision was based on your recognition of your feelings and your courage to follow where they led, not on something you thought I was saying you should do.”
Jaylin sighed and collected her thoughts. Maggie looked uncharacteristically uncertain.
“You’re right, Maggie. I guess I just needed someone to blame for a minute. I’m hurting and it’s a lot easier to give you the responsibility than to take it on myself.”
Maggie took Jaylin’s hands in hers and squeezed. “Tell me what happened.”
“I recognized the truth of your words the last time I was here. You said ‘if you don’t try, you’ll never know.’ I realized that I was miserable enough without Kristen that I was willing to try.”
“Did you two talk?” Maggie asked.
“I decided I’d try to tell her how I felt. I went to watch her ride at the fairgrounds in a rodeo event. We talked about our latest intense kissing incident last week that went a little beyond kissing, and I wanted to talk to her honestly about where our relationship might be headed.” Jaylin stood to refill her water glass. “You want a glass?”
“No, thanks. I’m good. So did you two talk about how you felt, or about your mutual lust?” Maggie grinned from across the table.
Jaylin chuckled. “Yeah, I’d like to rip her clothes off and ravish her, but even more than that, I want to touch her. I want to touch her deep inside where she’s never been touched, where only I can reach. Does that make any sense?”
“Oh, yes. I’d say it’s damn sexy. It seems to me you have feelings for Kristen that go beyond casual. True?”
Jaylin sank into her chair. “I’m falling in love with her.”
“Ah. I see why you’re scared. Did she indicate that she feels the same way?” Maggie placed a hand on Jaylin’s.
“She said she had strong feelings for me, I told her I didn’t want to repeat my past mistakes, and I wanted to try for more with her.”
“That sounds promising.”
“Yeah, I thought so, too, but then there’s Kelly.” Jaylin let out a frustrated sigh.
“Who’s Kelly?”
“She’s a friend of Kristen’s who rides in the rodeo events. She’s good and she has an exceptionally fast horse.”
“So, what’s the issue?”
“She’s hot, blond, and sexy, and Kristen went to Texas with her.” Jaylin grimaced.
“I see. Well, and this isn’t advice, but if it were the woman I loved, I’d go after her. Hot little blonde be damned.”
*
Monday morning, Jaylin placed the file from her latest patient on Sarah’s desk. “I’ll be outside having lunch if you need anything, Sarah.”
“Enjoy your lunch.” Sarah’s smile did little to lift Jaylin’s mood, but she smiled anyway.
She watched the birds flitting about the feeder and made a mental note to take Railroad to visit Roy on Saturday. The thought of Saturday reminded her of Kristen and her riding events. She missed her. She missed watching her as she spurred Zigzag around the barrels. She wondered when Kristen would return from Texas. Maybe she wouldn’t. She tried to remember if Texas was a state that legalized same-sex marriage. Kelly was probably a better choice for a spouse than she was. For a moment, she’d considered doing what Maggie said, and going after Kristen in Texas. But she had no idea where they were, and she couldn’t stomach the thought of finding that they were actually together.
Jaylin sighed and flung the thoughts away. This Sunday was her scheduled obedience show at the Sundowning Care Facility. Of course Kristen would come back. She wouldn’t leave her father. Somehow that thought helped lift the pall she’d allowed to fall over her.
“Hi. I thought I might find you out here.”
Jaylin blinked, wondering if her thoughts of Kristen had somehow created an apparition. She stood by the table looking sexy, contrite, and magnificent.
“You’re back.” Jaylin cringed at the inane statement.
“Do you have time to go to Panera’s for lunch?” Kristen’s beautiful apparition asked.
“I just need to let Sarah know. We can stop by her desk on the way out. It’s good to see you.” Jaylin hadn’t planned to say the last statement aloud, but she couldn’t help it. She walked past Kristen and lightly touched her arm, just to make sure she was real.
*
The short drive had been silent, tense with words they needed to say, but weren’t sure how to. Kristen held the door open for Jaylin and followed her into Panera. Her chest constricted at the memory of exploring her lips, and of the feel of Jaylin’s firm nipple as she’d brushed it with her thumb. She shook off the visceral memories and concentrated on Jaylin.
“I missed you, too. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your texts. I was in Texas, at the rodeo event.”
“I know where you were and who you were with. I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me you were going, though. You were gone for five days. A text would have been nice, at least. Did I push you away, Kristen?”
Kristen took a drink of her iced tea while looking outside. She turned back to Jaylin looking serious.
“Was that your intention? Because, yeah, you did seem to withdraw after the gun club shoot. I thought that maybe we were spending too much time together, and it made you uncomfortable. I want to kiss you every time we’re together, and we agreed to keep our relationship on a friend only basis, so I tried hard to accept you pulling away. I didn’t mean to scare you that night at my dad’s, and I was an ass not to tell you I was going. I don’t know what’s going on between us, and I had hoped some time away would help me get some clarity.” She shrugged, the deeper, more intense words blocked by uncertainty. “But I knew the moment I got back I had to see you.”
Jaylin sighed and pushed her empty coffee cup from one hand to the other. Then she appeared absorbed in her water glass. She looked at Kristen for a long moment, clearly searching for something. A slow, sweet smile lit her face and she said, “I want to consider this our first date. Would that be acceptable to you?”
Kristen hadn’t known what to expect when she’d shown up at Jaylin’s clinic, but this took her completely by surprise. She felt her own smile stretch across her face. “I’d love to consider this our first date, but I have a question.”
“Yes.”
Jaylin’s smile liberated some of the blocked words. “Do you kiss on the first date?”
“Absolutely.”
*
Sarah wasn’t at her desk when Jaylin and Kristen arrived at the clinic, so Jaylin left her a note. Her next patient wasn’t due for an hour, so she grabbed Kristen’s hand, led her to her office, locked the door, and fell into her arms.
“Hmm. I think I like this dating thing,” Kristen said.
Jaylin cradled Kristen’s face with her hands and lightly pressed her lips against hers. Jaylin moaned as the kiss deepened, and she backed Kristen up against her desk. Kristen shifted and slid her thigh between Jaylin’s legs, and Jaylin briefly thought that she would have to work the rest of the day wet and horny. She straddled Kristen’s leg, and hovered on the brink of losing control. She pulled away enough to recapture her senses, and Kristen held her close as they caught their breath.
“Whoa. I didn’t expect that.” Jaylin
murmured into Kristen’s neck. She lightly nibbled the smooth skin and tickled it with her tongue.
“Keep that up and you won’t get back to work today.” Kristen held her at arm’s length. She was still breathing hard, her blue eyes as dark as thunderclouds.
“Work. Yes. I have to get back to work.” Jaylin wrestled down her arousal. “I’ve enjoyed our first date, but there’s one thing I need to say. If we’re dating, there’ll be no kissing hot, sexy, blondes. I want to be the only one you’re kissing.”
Kristen leaned back and grinned. “Kelly? You think she’s hot?”
“I’m serious, Kristen. I need to know what’s possible between us.” Jaylin waited, holding her breath.
“Why would I kiss anyone else, if I had you? You’re the only woman I’ll be kissing, baby. I promise.”
Jaylin resumed breathing.
Chapter Twenty-eight
“Good morning, Tim. How’s everything around here?” Kristen had only been gone for five days, but she felt out of touch.
“Everythin’s good around here. How was Texas?”
“Hot and dry. Kelly did well with her riding, and it was an interesting event. I wouldn’t mind trying it one day. Speaking of events, how’re your plans for the regional shoot coming?”
“Couldn’t be better. We got it. It’ll be the last weekend in June. You can register anytime now.”
“Great. I’ll sign up today. I guess I better get practicing.” Kristen pulled out her mother’s twelve-gauge and headed out to the first station. Maybe Jaylin would come on another date. She smiled at the realization that they were dating and disregarded the tiny niggle of fear the thought produced.
“Getting ready to lose again, hotshot?”
The Courage to Try Page 18