“Please, don’t do this right now, Sarah,” Natalie begged, her voice coming out low. Her attention shifted between us as she bit at her lip. Tears rimmed her eyes.
I knew they were both trying to protect me, each in their own way.
Harshly Sarah shook her head. “We’ve tiptoed around this for too long, Natalie.” Even though she spoke to Natalie, her stare never strayed from my face. “It’s been almost four months, Elizabeth. And I promise you I’m only telling you this because I love you, but you have to make a decision. It’s time you picked yourself up and started living again. For you. For your daughter. Start paying attention to the rest of your family”—she flung her hand out around the table—“because everything is just passing you by. Even when you’re here, you’re not present. And we all need you back.”
My face pinched as I slowly shook my head, struggling to see through the pain that tore through my entire being. I began to rock, my fingers twisting together in the tightest knot as I tried to deflect what was coming from Sarah’s mouth.
My head screamed at me that what she said was the truth, while my heart shrank, willing the rest of me to retreat.
It seemed like once she got started, she couldn’t stop, the worry and frustration boiling over.
“And what about Christian? The man who would crawl on his hands and knees through hot coals for you? The one who would gladly die for you? Have you stopped to look at him lately?”
Recoiling at the insinuation, I dropped my face to the side to protect myself from the things I didn’t want to hear.
“I’m serious, Elizabeth, have you stopped to really look at him? Because he is just as heartbroken as you. It’s time you either find it somewhere inside yourself to love him again or cut him loose. Walk away from him, Elizabeth, put him out of his misery, because the man is hanging by a loose thread. Do you even see what this has done to him? What you’re doing to him?”
I cringed, sinking deeper into my chair. Of course I saw it. I bore witness to it each morning when he came to pick up Lizzie. And I had cut him loose, had told him to go, and he had. But there would always be something that tethered us, a connection that neither of us could break.
How was that bond not enough to hold us together?
I forced myself to look at her when all I really wanted to do was hide.
“Sarah,” I begged, my voice cracking. Tears built and I tried my best to keep them back, to keep them in. But there was nothing I could do. They were unstoppable as they began to fall. “You don’t understand.”
“Damn it, Elizabeth,” she said as she leaned in close over the table, her voice firm. “I know I don’t. I’m not pretending that I do. But whether I understand or not doesn’t change the fact that it’s time.”
Her words slashed through me, cutting me to the core.
To my left, Mom gently touched my arm, sadness woven through her expression.
“Your sister is right, Elizabeth. I know you don’t want to hear it, but we all love you too much to stand aside and watch you fade away. I’m not willing to sit here and allow this to go on any longer without saying something.” She glanced at the bones jutting from my arms, let them wander over my protruding collarbones. “Have you looked in the mirror lately? Have you seen what you’ve allowed this to do to you?”
Allowed this to do to me?
Anger tightened the knots in my stomach.
My mom, of all people, should understand.
I shoved my chair back from the table and jumped up.
“I didn’t ask for this,” I spat at the table, my gaze discordant as it bounced between the women who sat there staring up at me in shock. “I didn’t ask for this to happen and I sure as hell didn’t ask for your opinions or your advice.” I gripped at my aching chest. “Just leave me alone,” I pleaded. “Please, all of you, just leave me alone.”
Then I turned and fled the tortured confines of the restaurant, rushing past people who dropped silverware to their plates as they gaped at me. I ran out into the warm afternoon sun. I lifted my face to it, searching for the breath that always seemed just out of reach, as if the capacity of my lungs had been cut in half, fragmented, and I could never fully take in what was needed to live.
Because I was dying.
“Elizabeth,” rushed from Natalie in blatant relief as she came running out behind me. She stood there, hesitant as she took me in. Finally, she said, “Come on. Let me take you home.”
Distraught, I nodded through my tears and followed her across the lot. She kept her hand on my elbow as she led me to the passenger door. She unlocked it and held it open for me.
We said nothing as she drove the short distance back to my house. She came to a stop at the bottom of the driveway. I could feel the intensity of her gaze burning into the side of my face while I fisted the straps of my purse in my hands, staring down at my knuckles turning white as I did everything I could not to fall apart.
“I’m so sorry, Liz.” Her voice was quiet. “Please…” She choked over her own tears. “Please don’t think we planned that, because we didn’t. Everyone is just worried about you.”
I looked over at the regret swimming though her glistening eyes. The two of us just sat there, watching the other cry, not knowing how to make sense of this mess, because neither of us wanted to be a part of it.
She cleared her throat and shook her head. “But what Sarah said, maybe it was wrong the way she did it, I don’t know. But what she said was true. It’s time,” she stressed.
Maybe the problem was I didn’t know what my life looked like on the other side of this. I’d always believed Christian was at the end, and now, I couldn’t see him anywhere. How did I move on from that? From the hopes that had been shattered?
“I don’t even remember how to breathe, Natalie,” I admitted softly, dropping my face toward my lap as I clutched my purse straps a little tighter. “How can I go on when I’ve forgotten how to live?”
Peeking up at her, I saw her chewing on her quivering lip, obviously unsure of how to poise her words. She inclined her head and asked in all seriousness, “Do you still love him?”
A suggestion of Christian ghosted across my skin, memories of my life that meant the most to me, love and joy and everything. Sadness welled up and I swallowed it down.
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
More tears trailed down her face, maybe in direct empathy to mine. Her attention traveled out the windshield where she stared at the empty street. We sat in the excruciating silence.
“Then maybe you need to remember how to live without him, Elizabeth, because you can’t continue on this way.” There was no accusation in the statement, just her own pain, her words filled with a sharp sense of surrender.
I felt them deep, because I somehow knew she meant that surrender for me, that it was time I moved on. Even if it was without Christian.
I glanced at the clock. It was only thirty minutes before I was supposed to pick my daughter up from school. Her sweet face flickered in my mind, my devotion to her unending, and I knew, most of all, my daughter needed me.
“I will try,” I promised my cousin, my friend, but inside I was reeling because who I really needed to convince was myself.
Over the console, she reached for me, wrapping me up in a fierce embrace before she pulled away and earnestly held my face, her own all splotchy and red.
“You will make it through this,” she said. “You know that, don’t you?”
I shook my head in her hold. Because I still didn’t know if I really would. “I need to go and pick up Lizzie,” I mumbled because I’d had all of this conversation that I could handle.
I’d said I would try, and that was all I could give.
She nodded once and I climbed from her car.
Chapter Eight
Elizabeth
Late May, Four Months Earlier
From behind, Christian grabbed for me. Needy hands slid over my hips to my front. He anchored both of them across my protruding
stomach in the same second he buried his face in my neck.
I leaned back into him, unable to stop the small giggle that flitted from my mouth.
He squeezed me a little, the warmth of him spreading out to touch every fiber of my being. “I’m going to miss you,” he grumbled hoarsely near my ear before he burrowed through my hair to kiss my neck, sending a thrill of nerves racing through my body.
I moaned my agreement.
“Would you two knock it off!” Natalie yelled from where she tossed a bunch of bags into her trunk. She was parked on the street at the end of my driveway. “You’re worse than two teenagers who have ten minutes to make out before their parents get home.” She slammed her trunk shut. “You’ll see each other tomorrow.”
“I’m not quite ready to let her go yet,” Christian mumbled mostly to me.
Natalie propped an annoyed hand on her hip. “We have stuff we have to take care of for the wedding before her shower today.”
Christian rocked us in a slow sway, his body flattened against mine, every inch of him plastered to me.
It was unbelievable how much I loved it. How much I loved this. I clasped my hands over his that were splayed wide over my belly and rested against the strength of his chest.
Christian’s voice deepened, the words hoarse. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Natalie. As long as the wedding includes me dancing with my wife and her ending up in my bed afterward, everything is going to be perfect.”
A shot of choked laughter ripped from Natalie’s throat, and she turned her wide, disbelieving eyes on me. “What did you do to him, Elizabeth? I think you’ve created a monster.”
I just grinned. She had no idea. She’d not known the cocky boy I met in college, that flirty mouth and those impatient hands that had turned me upside down, twisted me inside out. The Christian she’d known had been one filled with regret, every moment spent trying to make up for what he’d done.
Christian pulled me closer, his mouth curled up in a self-satisfied smirk. “What? We have a lot of time to make up for.”
Now I could recognize that eager boy swimming through the spirit of this caring man. This was the Christian who’d knocked me from my feet, stolen my breath just as assuredly as he’d stolen my heart.
“Let me love on my future wife before you steal her away,” he continued.
Natalie scoffed. “Umm…okay, I’m taking her for her final dress fitting and then to her bridal shower, and Matthew is getting ready to take you off on some crazy boys’ night somewhere he wouldn’t even tell me. Now tell me who’s doing the stealing?”
Matthew laughed as he surprised her from behind, lifting her off her feet.
Natalie squealed, but there was no way she could hide the grin that captured her face.
He placed her on her feet and spun her around in the same second. By her waist, he tugged her close and bent her back as he hovered over her. “You’re not worried, are you?” His grin was as big as hers.
She swatted at him. “Of course not, but if these two don’t knock it off, they’re going to make us late.”
He pecked her lips. “Good. Because I’m going to take our Christian here and make sure he has a good time.” He raised a cocky brow at Christian. “I don’t think this guy has left her bed in months,” he said, gesturing at me with his chin.
I giggled more as Christian rocked me from behind, his laughter all brash with Matthew’s taunting.
“Well considering that’s the only place I want to be…” he said as he tipped his head in overt suggestion.
A rush of color seeped to my cheeks with Christian’s blatant innuendo.
Still, it was true. Christian and I couldn’t get enough of each other. We never would. The need between us came unending, this powerful force that shot through me every time he touched me.
To top it off, we were excited. All of us. It was a joy that sat like a palpable aura in the warm San Diego air. Like I could reach out and touch it.
One week from today, I would be Christian’s wife.
I bit my bottom lip to hide the pleasure that lit deep within me. Christian hugged me closer, and I knew he felt the power of it, too.
Slowly turning me in his arms, an affectionate smile lifted his mouth as he lightly bumped my stomach with his. Gentle fingertips caressed down my sides until he found his way below the distinct prominence jutting out from my belly.
This was the only evidence of my pregnancy, the massive ball that sat out in front of me like a declaration of my and Christian’s love. The rest of my body remained thin, probably too thin, but I wasn’t nearly as bad off as I was with Lizzie. I felt healthy. Good. That was all I could ask for. Christian kept telling me he was worried I should be gaining more weight, but my doctor assured us that, as long as the baby grew, we didn’t have anything to be concerned about.
Christian turned those strong fingers up and tenderly cradled her. Our baby girl. Lillie. Lizzie had named her because she wanted her little sister to have a name like hers. Christian and I didn’t hesitate to agree.
It was perfect.
I stared up at him as he ran his thumbs just under my belly button. “I love her,” he whispered, “and I love you.” He watched down on me with those kind blue eyes that somehow still managed to burn. Christian’s attention found its way back to my ear, his breath hot as it caressed along my skin. “You know I’d much rather spend tonight in bed with you, don’t you?” he murmured.
A shiver traveled the length of my body. “Mmmhmm…I bet you’re going to miss me while you’re out partying with the guys,” I teased, although I knew he wasn’t speaking anything but the truth.
He released a warm chuckle at my neck as he brushed my hair back, kissing me there. “You’re way more interesting. Believe me.”
I smirked a little as I weaved my fingers through black strands of soft hair, lifting my jaw so he could kiss miss me a little more.
Natalie smacked her hands together as if shooing away a wild animal. “That’s it. Break it up.”
I laughed and stepped back. With widened eyes, I mouthed, “Fine,” at her.
She returned the same mocking glare, but I saw it all there, sparkling in her eyes. Relief softly played across her features as she watched us, her expression reflecting joy—her joy for me. I knew she’d worried about me for so long, that she’d hoped and prayed that I would one day find a way to heal the broken heart that had tainted every aspect of my life.
Never could I have imagined that those fractured pieces would be mended in the arms of the one who’d shattered me in the first place.
I’d thought I’d lost the ability to love, the ability to forgive. But forgiveness had come into my life like the most intense burst of light. It had penetrated the darkest recesses of my spirit, the hidden places soiled with bitterness, this poison that had eaten and destroyed everything good in me until only fear remained. I’d been chained, bound by my anger. Ridding my heart of it had changed everything. No, I wasn’t a new person.
I’d just found myself again.
An affected smile hinted at my mouth. I gazed across at her, a silent confirmation that told her just how happy I really was.
Behind me, footsteps clamored from the house and down the sidewalk. I turned to find Christian’s mom, Claire, standing at the end of the walkway, with Lizzie’s hand wrapped in hers. Her face was filled with a joy unlike anything I’d ever seen her wear. She’d come into town just two days before, here to share in the festivities of the upcoming week. She’d stay two weeks after the wedding to help my mom take care of Lizzie while Christian and I were away on our honeymoon.
Affection poured from Christian as his gaze settled on the two of them. “Well, now that I have all my girls here, I really don’t think I want to leave.”
“Daddy,” Lizzie scolded with her toothy grin, dimples denting her cheeks. She’d matured so much over the last year. We celebrated her sixth birthday just last weekend. Sometimes it was unbelievable how fast she’d gr
own, that my round-faced baby was growing into a little girl.
Still, she remained the sweetest thing I’d ever seen.
“You have a party. You have to go,” she continued on as she rocked onto the outside of her feet and swayed at her grandmother’s side.
My heart swelled a little further.
Was it possible to be happier than I was now?
I looked between the faces of the family I loved, and thought no, not a chance. Christian had given me back everything I had lost, completed me in a way I never thought imaginable.
“You’d better go and give your daddy a hug goodbye before he leaves,” Claire prodded as she slanted a knowing smile at her son. I loved seeing Christian and Claire this way. Close, each other’s staunchest supporter, defender, and friend.
Two nights ago, when we’d picked her up from the airport, I couldn’t stop crying as I clung to her, so grateful for how important this woman had become in my life. How crazy it was that she’d once been someone I despised, one I thought was only there to heap more burden on her son, that she really didn’t love him the way a mother should. When in reality, she had one of the greatest hearts of anyone I’d ever known. This was only the second time I’d seen her since Christian and I had reconciled. Still, we spent hours on the phone, talking as if we were the oldest of friends, and then there were the times she was there to offer me motherly advice. So easily she fit into both roles.
Lizzie ran down the drive to Christian, and he scooped her up and spun her around.
“I’m going to miss you, princess. You have a fun time at your friend’s house.”
After the fitting, we’d be dropping her off at Kelsey’s mother’s house for the evening. We figured a bridal shower wasn’t the best place for a six-year-old impressionable little girl. No doubt, some of these women would be doing their best to embarrass me.
“I will, Daddy,” she promised. “I like playing at Kelsey’s house, then I get to spend the night at Grammy Linda’s house!”
“Well, that works out perfect, then, sweetheart. Be a good girl for me, okay?”
The Regret Series Complete Collection Box Set: Lost to You, Take This Regret, and if Forever Comes Page 49