All that time I’d tried to love her for the both of us.
If it was possible, it’d broken me a little more.
Then he let them take her before I was ready to let her go. I begged him for one more hour. Just one more hour and he couldn’t even give me that.
His entire body shook, and he blinked as if he couldn’t believe what I’d said. “You think because I didn’t hold her, I didn’t love her?” His raised, caustic voice bounced against the walls.
Mine was low, but held all the sting. “I know you didn’t.”
Agony contorted his face.
“Just go.” This time I choked, a sob breaking free because I couldn’t understand what was coming from me, but I couldn’t stop it. I was so hurt, so hurt. “I don’t want you here.”
He dropped his head and shook it, harsh and severe, as if he were grappling to make sense of what I had said. When he raised his attention back to me, fury flamed in his eyes.
“That’s what you want?” he shouted as he flung his hand out in my direction.
Raging, he stormed to the closet and tore the door open. It slammed back against the wall. Christian fumbled around inside and threw a suitcase into the middle of the bedroom floor. It tumbled, the lid flopping open as it settled. He began ripping shirts from their hangers and throwing them inside. He stalked back out, fisting a handful of shirts out in front of him.
“Is this what you want, Elizabeth? You want me to leave? You think I don’t understand what you’re feeling? You think you’re the only one who has to go through this? You think you’re the only person who’s hurting? Then fine, do it alone.”
I was gasping, crying, because his words flew out at me in a constant assault. I couldn’t stop the slaughter, the way they took hold and destroyed the last piece of me.
He jerked the bottom dresser drawer open, pulled all his jeans out and shoved them into the suitcase. He glanced up at me as he ripped the zipper closed.
“I thought better of you than this, Elizabeth, but I was wrong. You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met.”
I felt sick, an ache I couldn’t understand gutting me. Still the words trembled from my mouth. “I hate you.” I said it through choked tears.
I’d told him it before. This was the first time he looked like he believed it.
It was the first time I thought maybe I meant it.
He leveled his gaze on me as he hefted the suitcase up by the handle. “Yeah, that’s pretty obvious.”
He started across the floor. Pausing in the doorway, he looked at me from over his shoulder. His throat bobbed heavily as he swallowed.
“Think whatever you want, Elizabeth, but I loved her. I loved her with all my life.”
I watched him go, and I didn’t try to stop him.
Instead, I wept, clutching my blanket to my face as I crumbled. My ears stung as I listened to him talking, his voice giving instructions to Lizzie. I couldn’t make them out. They were muffled as I buried myself deeper in the refuge of the bed. I begged for the darkness that sleep would bring.
All I wanted was to go there.
All I wanted was to escape.
Present Day
I desperately sucked at the stifled air. It hurt as it expanded in my lungs. Everything still hurt so badly. I missed her. That hollow void ached for her, and I knew it always would. I pressed the blanket to my face. Confused tears fell when I realized I found some kind of comfort in it. It was small, but just like the urge to fill the void had flickered this morning, it was there.
I rubbed the satiny edge of the blanket against my cheek, the one that Claire had once held Christian in. Memories of him ignited in every one of my senses.
Affection sparked. I pushed it down, stamped it out. Forgiving him, moving on from this, seemed impossible.
It just hurt too much.
That day, Christian had gone, and he’d taken Lizzie with him. At the time, I’d been relieved, relieved that my little girl had been led out my door because I didn’t have the strength to be the parent she needed me to be. Afterward, I’d slept for three straight days. I had never fully awakened until I’d been roused by Matthew sitting on the side of my bed, running his hand through my matted hair as he coaxed me from sleep. He said Christian had asked him to come check on me.
Christian had facilitated it then, Lizzie coming over to spend time with me. Through Matthew, he’d said Lizzie needed to see me. It was like I was being granted visitation, because I wasn’t competent to take care of my own daughter. Knowing Lizzie would be coming home had been the only thing that had finally forced me out of bed.
We slowly slipped into a routine. Lizzie would be at my house for a couple of days and then she’d spend a couple at Christian’s, though when school had started again, she began spending more time at my place. Still, Christian had insisted he come and pick her up each morning for school.
For my daughter, I’d done my best to be up as much as I could when she was here, though half the time, I felt only partially conscious. The rest of the time, I slept away.
Guilt throbbed within me. For all these months, I’d felt a sense of relief while Lizzie was gone, relieved because I could just succumb.
I realized this morning, in the vacant emptiness of my room, that I was no longer relieved.
I missed her, and she needed me.
I will try.
Lifting my face to the ceiling, where the single bulb glared, I inhaled deeply as tears continued to stream from my eyes.
And for the first time in weeks, I wanted something other than to sleep.
I wanted to breathe.
Chapter Fifteen
Christian
Present Day, Early October
On Friday morning, I pulled into Elizabeth’s driveway to pick Lizzie up for school and put the car in park. Still gripping the steering wheel, I stared at nothing through the windshield. Agitation curled through my consciousness. My leg bounced. God, I was about to lose it.
After what Lizzie had revealed to me Monday night, a sense of desperation had taken over. I’d been backed against a wall. Pinned as I watched the clock spin away. I was running out of time. I knew it. Felt it. If I didn’t do something, I was really going to lose Elizabeth. The woman I would love for all my life. The woman who belonged to me, even if she no longer knew how to give herself to me.
Tuesday night, after I knew Lizzie would be in bed, I came here. I paced outside Elizabeth’s door like some kind of obsessed stalker. But I was obsessed, obsessed with taking back my family. I couldn’t let them slip away. That realization had given me the nerve to ring the doorbell. I knew she was standing on the other side of the door. I knew she was there, willing me to leave. And I just stood there. Waiting. Waiting for her. The way I’d been waiting for her all these months.
The longest time passed before the door had finally swung open. Her attention had been trained on the ground, her hair falling all around her as she’d hidden her face from me.
I’d stooped down and peered up at her, trying to capture her gaze, to finally make her see. I needed her to look, to remember.
I’d whispered her name. Elizabeth. In her name was everything I felt, the devotion to her that would forever consume my life, the wounds that still ached, and the striking need to feel her touch that would never leave me.
In it was all of my love.
God, how much did I love the broken woman who’d stood in front of me?
For one second, she’d given in and had met my gaze with a shakiness that wouldn’t seem to let her go.
Wide, intense eyes stared at me from across her threshold. It was the shortest blip of time, but in it, we’d been frozen, as if the lives we were supposed to be living played in fast forward between us. Or maybe it was on rewind.
Just as soon as she opened her eyes to me, they’d slammed closed, shut it off, blocked me out. She flinched back, as if looking at me caused her physical pain.
Who knew one expression could cut me so deep?
Still, I
’d pressed on, pushed her. “We need to talk,” I’d said, stretching out a hand that so desperately wanted to touch her. But I’d held it back, knew I could only ask her for so much.
“I can’t.” Her voice was laced in agony. Apparently even that was asking her for too much.
But those two words had lacked all the venom that had filled the last real interaction we’d had, even if the result of them had still been brutal. Elizabeth, once again, shut down my efforts.
Every spoken word since I first left her house had been uttered with zero emotion, just plans made between us for our daughter. Nothing more.
This had been more.
“Please,” I’d said with my heart feeling as if the life was being squeezed out of it. “I can’t let us go, Elizabeth. Talk to me. Tell me.”
She’d shaken her head, whispered, “I’m so sorry.” Tears clogged the words, and she stumbled over a pained, “I can’t.” Then she stepped back and closed her door.
I’d stood on the other side of it for minutes, maybe hours, having no idea what direction to turn. Did I force her, risk the possibility of things escalating, blowing up the way they had the day I left? Did I risk having her say it, Elizabeth telling me she no longer loved me?
But even if she said it, I wouldn’t believe her.
I saw it in that one second she opened those brown eyes to me. She still belonged to me. Even if she couldn’t see it.
I exhaled, heavy and hard, shut off my car, and climbed out. I plodded up her sidewalk and rang the doorbell.
A few seconds later, the door swung open to Elizabeth.
My breath caught.
It didn’t matter how many days I’d stood at her door to pick up our daughter, it was always the same.
Intense longing exploded at my ribs, something that spoke of the regrets that would forever haunt my life, and the hopes that still flamed for my future. Elizabeth was in every single one of them.
Urges slammed me, ones that shouted for me to reach out, to take her. To do something.
Instead, I stepped back, gave her the space she demanded that was getting harder and harder to afford.
“Good morning, Elizabeth,” I said, something I’d done all week, something that felt like progress, even though it was the most pathetic show of it.
At least I opened my mouth.
I bit back the incredulous laughter that stirred in my chest.
Pathetic was right.
I knew I had to do something, but I was pinned against that wall, and I didn’t know how to break from it. How did I push back? How did I mount a battle when she wouldn’t allow me the chance to fight for her?
She cast me a wary glance. “Good morning,” slipped from her cautious lips. Then she turned away, looked toward the stairs, the way she did every morning. “Lizzie, sweetheart, your daddy is here.”
“Coming.”
This morning, Lizzie immediately appeared, her grin wider than I’d seen in so long. She rushed downstairs and ran to throw her arms around me. “Good morning, Daddy!” Excitement buzzed from her as she bounced.
A chuckle escaped me as I hugged her back. “Well, isn’t someone happy this morning.”
She lifted that sweet face to me as she hugged me around my waist. “I get to go to my first sleepover tonight!”
Curious, I turned my attention to Elizabeth.
She was smiling down at Lizzie. Really smiling. Then she peeked up at me. “I was going to talk to you about that this morning and make sure you were okay with it. Lizzie was invited to spend the night at Adriana’s house tonight for her birthday. I figured you wouldn’t mind since she was going to stay here tonight anyway.”
Lizzie jumped up and down. “Oh please, Daddy…I really really really wanna go!”
I laughed a little harder and ruffled a hand in her hair. “Well, I guess if you really really really want to go, I’ll have to let you,” I teased.
“Yay! Thank you, Daddy!”
She turned around and barreled into Elizabeth, squeezing her around the waist in a fierce hug. “Thank you, Mommy!”
Gentle laughter seeped from Elizabeth. “Of course, sweetheart.” Then Elizabeth softened into the embrace, her hold tight as she clutched Lizzie to her, then stroked an affectionate hand through the long locks of Lizzie’s hair. Palpable emotion swelled between them. “You have a fantastic day, my sweet girl. I’ll be thinking about you.”
Lizzie had her face buried in her mother’s stomach, the words muffled as she hugged her a little closer. “Okay, I will.”
I drew in a faltering breath. Thankfulness surged. God, seeing the two of them like this, the love shared between them, it was as if it healed a small piece of the wounds still smoldering inside me.
With a soft smile, Elizabeth nudged her back. “Go on or you’ll be late.”
Turning, Lizzie rushed out into the day. “Let’s go, Daddy!” She grabbed my hand and began to lead me down the walkway. Still lost in the sensations that had swirled between my girls, I hazarded a glance over my shoulder. Elizabeth watched us go. For the first time, she didn’t look away.
I slowed to a stop, just before we rounded the corner to the driveway. I stared at the woman I was so desperate to put back together. Still, I was at a loss at how to do it.
Unmistakable sadness poured between us. All I wanted to do was turn around and take her in my arms, touch her face, kiss her. Love her.
Unaware, Lizzie tugged at my hand. “We gotta hurry.”
Elizabeth blinked and the wall was back up.
With a resigned sigh, I turned and followed Lizzie to the car.
Five minutes later, I pulled to the curb in the circular drive in front of Lizzie’s school. She jumped out the back door and onto the sidewalk just as I came around the front of the car. Crouching down, I helped her slip her backpack onto her shoulders. I dropped a quick kiss to her forehead. “Have a great day, sweetheart. I hope you have a great time at your sleepover.”
A dimpled grin split her face. “It’s going to be the best day ever.”
Warmth seeped into my skin, my little girl, my light. When it seemed impossible to smile, somehow this child made it unstoppable. I cupped her cheek, tilted my head with the force of that smile. “You’d better hurry. We’re running a little bit late today.”
She turned and jogged off.
“See you tomorrow,” I called.
“See you tomorrow!” she sang as she looked at me over her shoulder.
I lifted my hand in a pensive wave. She headed back toward the entrance. She veered when she saw Kelsey standing beside her dad’s car at the curb.
Every muscle in my body constricted.
Lizzie came to a stop at Kelsey’s side. From a distance, I watched her tip her head back and laugh unrestrained. And that asshole was there, laughing, too. Then the piece of shit reached out and ran his fingers through my daughter’s hair.
Motherfucker.
My hands clenched into fists at my side in the same second he glanced up to catch my stare. He turned back to Lizzie and Kelsey, said something else before the two rushed toward the school gates.
Anger curled, wound with the possessiveness that spun me into a frenzy. My head pounded, and I was pretty sure I was close to losing my mind.
Lizzie’s words of last week blared into my senses, how excited she’d been, how much fun they’d had.
And Elizabeth had been different. Happy? Almost. Maybe. I shook my head. I didn’t know. But definitely different.
Fuck.
I raked a shaky hand through my hair.
Was she seeing him?
I cut my eye back to him, searching for some kind of indication. A sign.
Had he touched her?
Images of Elizabeth with Logan crashed into my consciousness, clashing with everything I knew as right. I couldn’t bear it. I squeezed my eyes closed to block them out.
When I opened them, he was gone, and I was left standing there like the fool I’d been all these months, staring at the s
pot where he’d been.
I moved to my car, my feet heavy, weighted, as if I were wading upstream, losing my balance as I got caught in the undertow.
My head spun.
Blindly, I drove to my office. I clicked my door shut behind me, sank into my desk chair, and stared out at the sailboats that bobbed in the bay as I tried to mentally plough through the mess that had become my life. Tried to make sense of it all. That anger just surged, stoked a jealous rage inside of me.
Would Elizabeth really do this to me? To us?
God, I couldn’t imagine touching another woman. Ever. Not after Elizabeth had touched me the way she had.
The morning passed in a haze. A heavy fog swirled through my head. It contradicted the distinct itch I had bolt, to get the hell out of the suffocating confines of my office. When I couldn’t tolerate it any longer, I rushed out, told my secretary I would be back soon, and got in my car and drove. The destination was clear, though I had no idea what I would say when I got there.
The only thing I knew was I couldn’t let her go.
I pulled up to the curb in front of her house. Midday sun glared down from the sky, cast glinting rays through the windshield. The myrtle trees rustled in the gentle breeze. The little house looked so quaint, so quiet.
No one would have a clue of the pain we’d harbored here.
Sucking in a few resolved breaths, I pushed down all the anxiety of the unknown. All I knew was I had to talk with her, to lay it all out. I needed to tell her I loved her, and I could no longer go on living without her. Convince her she needed me as much as I needed her.
Leaving my car on the street, I ran up the sidewalk and pounded on her door. Agitation prickled at my nerves, and I scrubbed my palms over my face. Waiting, I paced.
“Come on, Elizabeth,” I begged below my breath.
But there was no answer, no rustling or movement from inside.
Undaunted, I pressed my face to the window to the left of the door, peered inside at the stillness of the family room. A load of laundry lay in an unfolded heap on the couch, toys strewn across the floor.
She was probably in bed, the way she always was, hiding from the realities she didn’t want to face.
Maybe I’d been wrong before. Maybe I’d pushed her into something she wasn’t ready for.
The Regret Series Complete Collection Box Set: Lost to You, Take This Regret, and if Forever Comes Page 56