by Dayna Quince
“Thank ye, m’lady.” He smiled at her and gave a quick bow before darting from the cabin.
Olivia sighed and turned back to her plate. She picked up her fork and resigned herself to eating at least half her food. She did not want to insult the cook by sending back a barely touched plate.
She hated to be alone. The majority of her time was spent with family and friends, and she was heartily disappointed Colton was not dining with her. He did have duties, she reminded herself, and he had made it clear he didn’t have time to entertain her but still...
She took a timid bite of her rice. It was plain with a slight salty taste, but so far, her stomach seemed pleased with it. Good. More sickness was the last thing she needed. She moved onto the carrots, also plain, but sweet and tender. The mutton was seasoned lightly, and Olivia found that the more she ate, the heartier her hunger became until she had finished almost all the food. Sipping some water, she moved to the bed and set it on the window seat. She tentatively sat and wondered what to do with herself now. She still felt unsettled, but for reasons other than her stomach. She was at odds with her feelings, how she felt about Colton, and her doubts about how he felt about her. She wanted to be sure, wanted to believe in her heart that there was something there because that is what her heart told her, but now she wondered if that were true. Was she creating something from nothing?
Olivia decided there was no use in staying awake any longer and decided to go to sleep. She circled the cabin and blew out the oil lamps, dressed down to her chemise by the light of the full moon, and slipped into Colton’s bed.
His scent enveloped her. She closed her eyes and nuzzled deep into the pillow, and it was like lying right next to him. She could smell the musk of his cigars, the clean scent of his soap. Her heart ached with all the unfulfilled wishes of a future she might never have with him, love that would not be made, and children that would never be born. She mourned the loss of something she’d never had, and as always, the tears threatened to fall but she was getting better. She had not yet cried, and she considered it a personal triumph. She slipped into sleep with that one positive thought.
Chapter 5
It was near midnight and Colton was craving a cigar. He had meant to have Willy grab some from his desk when he tended to Olivia after dinner, but it slipped his mind. There was nothing to be done except get one himself or go without, but he had a feeling if he didn’t satisfy the craving, sleep would elude him. He crept from the small cabin into the hall. In two steps, he was at his cabin door, and he turned the knob silently. Entering, he saw Olivia on the bed, bathed in a pool of moonlight. His heart stopped, he froze—hand still on the door—and just looked at her. She looked like a sleeping angel fallen from the heavens. Her dark curls were thrown over his pillows, and Colton was acutely envious of them. One hand was curled under her cheek and the other draped over her hip. He was so mesmerized he wasn’t even aware he had moved to the bed. He stood over her and memorized the tranquil peace that blanketed her face. Each deep rise and fall of her breath was music to him, and her relaxed lips were slightly parted. A shudder of longing went through him. It was so deep and so painful, he nearly moaned aloud. His gaze roamed her face and form. Before he gave up any and all hope of ever claiming her love, he wanted one thing.
He slowly bent down, willing her to not wake. He drank in the sight of her face so close to his, and then ever so lightly touched his lips to hers. He applied a little pressure, just to feel the full shape of her lips against his and held it. It was only a drop of ease into his ocean of need, but it was all he would ever get. It was enough to daze him, to make him believe that her lips moved under his, and then he pulled away. Looking down at her, she was still deeply asleep. Perhaps she was dreaming of a man who never spoke a harsh word to her, never raised a voice, and worshiped the very air she breathed. She deserved all of that and more.
Colton left his cabin, the cigars completely forgotten. He wanted to fall asleep immediately and dream of that kiss, dream of her waking up and pulling him down to her.
Olivia sat up as the door closed. She blinked away the darkness until the shadows of the cabin began to reveal themselves. That was the last thing she had ever expected to happen. Confusion and anger swamped her. Questions darted through her mind and chased away all sleepiness. He had kissed her! Why did he come in the middle of the night and kiss her? Was he foxed? Olivia had no doubts about who her shadow visitor was. From the moment the door opened, a draft of cool air with it, her mind had tracked the entrance of the person. When he approached the bed, she could feel him.
It was Colton. And then he kissed her. Her mind reeled, her senses rejoiced, and she smothered the impulse to follow him. What did it mean? Was it a sign that he did indeed care for her? She bit her knuckle and stifled the building scream of frustration. She couldn’t go to him now. Given his recent behavior, she did not feel confident about her welcome and the assumptions she would make.
Neither would she be able to fall asleep. She snuggled back down under the covers and stared at the stars visible through the window. The endless expanse of sky mirrored her mind set. She was utterly lost when it came to Colton. Nothing was the same anymore, and that was true for her life beyond this ship as well. So much had changed internally and externally. Her friends were different, her brother was different, Colton was different, and even she was beginning to not recognize herself.
Colton had no idea dreams could be so vivid, but all night he had dreamed of Olivia. Salacious dreams, romantic dreams, dreams built of his wildest fantasies, and when he woke up in the morning, he resented the sun for rising. Was he worse or better off for having stolen that kiss? Only time would tell. As it stood, keeping his distance from Olivia was imperative to keeping his hands to himself. He shaved and dressed himself, happy to see that only a few clouds marred the sky. As he left his cabin, he saw the door to Olivia’s cabin open and Willy speaking to Olivia.
“Did you not sleep, m’lady?”
“Willy, I give you leave to use my name. Please call me Olivia.”
“Shucks, m’lady—I mean…Olivia.”
The boy positively sang the word. Colton rolled his eyes as he walked into the cabin. “Willy, take the maps to Mr. Timms, please.”
Olivia and Willy both jumped as if startled. He suppressed a smile and adopted a serious frown. He didn’t mind playing the ogre if it meant Willy would leave them alone. He didn’t know what to do or say to Olivia, but he craved her presence. In fact, he was a tad jealous that Willy, a whelp of ten and four, was able to spend frequent moments throughout the day with her, talking and ogling. Colton used to have that privilege.
“Cap’n.” Willy saluted. “Lady Olivia did not sleep well last night.”
“Willy,” Olivia said with a blush. “The Captain does not care how I slept.”
Colton’s facade faltered, but he recovered in time to catch Olivia’s eye. She did indeed have dark circles under her eyes. Was it his fault? “The maps, Willy. Mr. Timms is waiting.”
“Yes, Cap’n.” Willy retreated.
“He was only concerned for my welfare. Please don’t punish him for that.” Olivia winced in the morning light. A dull ache had settled behind her eyes after lying awake most of the night.
“I know.” An unwanted smile tugged at his lips. “He’s infatuated with you.” He could certainly relate to the boy.
“I…I didn’t mean—”
“Of course you didn’t. He’s never seen a lady before. I plucked him from the ham fist of his abusive father in St. Giles. I imagine he never knew a woman could look as you do.” Christ, he couldn’t control his brain around her. “That is to say…” Bloody hell, how was he going to recover from that? “Compared to the dockside whores with rotting black teeth that he normally encounters, your looks are rather exemplary.” Colton winced. He was going to burn in hell for this, and Olivia would be the one holding the matches.
Olivia narrowed her eyes at him. “Well, enlightening as that comparison
is, I just wanted you to know he is a good worker.”
“I know he is a good lad, that’s why I brought him to my ship.”
Her face was pinched with anger and hurt, but she was standing tall with her shoulders back. God, she looked beautiful. Rebellious curls sprang from her braid in defiance, her lips and cheeks were flushed with color again, and he could imagine her sitting high on Olympus shooting bolts of lightning at arrogant men. None were more deserving of her wrath than he.
“I realize my comment was horrifically inappropriate and highly insulting. I apologize.” He backpedaled.
“Do you? Makes belly seem quite innocent, doesn’t it?”
“Belly? He said belly in front of you?”
“You find it more shocking than dockside whore?”
Colton clamped his mouth shut.
“Precisely.” Olivia smiled and turned away from him.
Colton coughed. “Um, Olivia... Your dress is unfastened.”
“Oh yes, I wasn’t able to fasten it myself. Do you mind? I’m sorry. I didn’t think it proper to ask Willy to do it.”
Colton grunted, stepping near he hesitated before touching her. She shivered as his knuckles brushed her bare shin and everything in Colton tightened. He stepped back quickly as she turned and caught his gaze. He hoped to god his expression revealed nothing of the fevered desire that consumed him.
“Thank you,” she said quietly.
He cleared his throat. “Perhaps you should have planned your wardrobe accordingly. I don’t have time to play the lady’s maid.”
“As a matter of fact, I did plan accordingly. The three dresses I brought are the easiest to take on and off by myself. This dress will stay on even if not hooked in the back, but alas, I thought to ask for your help and be fully dressed.” She raised an eyebrow.
Colton was prepared for a bit of verbal sparring. An argument would put some necessary distance between them.
She sighed. “I feel I’m not my best this morning. I did not find the rest I sought. Did you sleep well?”
“I did actually,” he said with some surprise.
She giggled.
“You find that amusing?” Colton asked in confusion.
“Pardon? Oh no, I was just thinking of a strange dream I had. I’m sure you have plenty of duties to attend to, so please don’t let me take up any more of your time.” She dismissed his presence and sat at the table to break her fast.
Colton watched her in puzzlement and made no move to leave. She was upset with him, and he hadn’t the slightest idea why. Never had Olivia been upset with him.
“Is something wrong?” he asked, disliking the tension that had formed between them. He wanted distance from his desire, not an outright war.
“I don’t see how it would be any concern of yours,” she mumbled.
“Your usual cheery disposition is absent this morning. Is it something I did?” As he said the words his skin prickled. If she hadn’t slept well did that mean she could have been awake when he’d kissed her?
Olivia clenched her teeth. This was the moment she could say something. The question fell over them both like a scratchy wool blanket. Olivia wanted to press him for answers but her courage failed her. Her mind was muddled from lack of sleep, and she didn’t know where to begin. By the way, I was awake. Would you like to kiss me again? So instead she chose the coward’s way. “I wish you had dined with me last night. That is all,” she said.
“Olivia, surely you understand that not spending time with you is not something I choose to do, but something I must do. This is my ship, I have duties and responsibilities that keep me busy almost all hours of the day.”
“I understand that, but it didn’t feel like that. It felt like you were running away from me. I can’t understand why you would not want to be around me. Lately, it seems that no one wants to be around me, except Willy. Perhaps I shall ask him to dine with me for company.”
“Olivia.”
“Would that be permissible, or is it imperative that he dine with the rest of the crew?”
Colton sighed. “Why do you think no one wants to be around you? You’ve been at home with your family all this time.”
Olivia swallowed. This isn’t where she thought this morning would go, but it was better than exploring the reasons for the kiss. At least for now. “Since Devon left, everything has been different. It’s as if he took all the joy with him. Suddenly, I’m alone all the time, and there is no laughter in my home, no talking, no smiling. The silence is suffocating, and every time I try to talk to my mother and father, I’m pushed aside. They don’t even want to speak to me.”
“Livie…They don’t mean to push you away, and I’m not pushing you away. I must attend to my duties. Protecting you is one of those duties, and I can’t do that if I ignore my other responsibilities. We could be overtaken by pirates or swallowed whole by a giant squid.”
Olivia gave him a droll stare. “Giant squid?”
“All myths have some truth, you know.” He smiled charmingly.
“I’d prefer pirates. Perhaps some dangerous rogue will sweep me off my feet and steal me away to his island lair to have his way with me.”
Colton scowled at her. “I don’t find that humorous, and if you had any dealings with pirates, you wouldn’t either. They’re not known for their hygienic habits.”
“Love overcomes all things,” she said, defensively.
Colton snorted. “You think you could love a pirate?”
As easy as I could love a sea captain. “You’ve had dealings with pirates?” She stepped around his question.
“It comes with the territory of being a sea captain.”
“Have you ever killed anyone?”
“That’s not really a subject I like to discuss, least of all with you.”
“You have killed someone! Who? A pirate?” Olivia asked excitedly.
Colton sighed. “I have never personally killed a man, if that’s what you’re asking, but we’ve put a few cannon balls through some ships. There are bound to be casualties. It’s a risk we all take. You didn’t answer my question. Do you think you could love a pirate?”
Olivia bit her lip. “Why not?”
“Pirates are criminals, thieves, murderers, and they have no remorse for their actions.”
“Most kings and politicians can be accused of the same. I could love a pirate who fiercely loved me in return. Perhaps I could change him for the better.”
“You would not see him meet justice then, for all he pillaged and destroyed before meeting you and reforming? How is that fair to all the sailors who lost their lives at his hands, and the merchants who lost their living. I do not think you could love such a man, Livie.”
Olivia thought about what he said. He was aggravatingly correct. “Perhaps you’re right, Colton. I was only romanticizing the idea of a man brave enough to want me and take me for his own. I really am hopelessly romantic. I want love more than anything, more than a title, or extensive manors, or all the silk in England.”
“That is an admiral quality.”
“Is it? My mother would disagree.”
“Your parents want what is best for you. Their actions also stem from love.”
“Colton...” Olivia stood and approached him. “I may appear naive at most times, but I understand the world very well. I am rapidly approaching spinsterhood, and if I don’t take things into my own hands, I may never find the love I am searching for.”
“We are all searching for something, Olivia, but the truth is, we can’t always have what we want. The world is a much bigger and stronger animal than our pithy desires. We have to accept that we don’t have control. We won’t have what we want. Perhaps that is the lesson you should learn here. For all you’ve tried to shape your future, you’ve forgotten one important thing. It’s your parents who will have the ultimate say until your husband takes their place. That is the world you live in, the world you were born into.”
Olivia frowned. “You think my parents
will just marry me off to someone of their choosing?”
“Your parents will have you wedded and bedded within a week of our return.”
Olivia froze. It was beginning to make sense now, the distance, the fear of being seen by his crew... “Is that what you’re afraid of? You think you will have to marry me?”
Colton scoffed. “A lowly sea captain? I think not. Only a titled gentleman would do for Lady Olivia Brentton.”
Olivia stepped back as if struck. “You think me so shallow? Do you know me at all?” Olivia knew she was sheltered, but that didn’t mean she was all that he had said. Only this morning, she was rather enamored of his profession as a sea captain. He was different then the gentlemen she knew, dashing, heroic. He was a real man who had done real things and seen exotic places in the world rather than the pampered fops who graced the ballrooms. Colton had a purpose and a dream. He worked hard to continue his father’s legacy and provide for his family. He built with his bare hands, created, and saw the results of his labor live beneath his very feet. Olivia loved that about him, but clearly, he thought she would snub her nose at things like that. Her heart burned for him like a candle in a window waiting for him to see it, to know that she longed for him to be by her side.
“Of course not, Livie. It isn’t what you are, but what our world is.”
“That is a sorry excuse,” she said quietly. She was upset now and her emotions would not settle into cohesive thoughts. “You may think me naive and shallow, but I know what is worth living for, regardless of what anyone thinks I should do. I won’t let my life be led by someone else. And although this time has been difficult for my parents with Devon’s absence, regardless of what happens on this ship, they would not want to see me unhappy. What good is living if you don’t fight for the things you want?”
“Those are foolish, romantic notions,” Colton returned none to gently.
“Perhaps, but I’d rather be a fool than a coward.”