by Laura Dowers
She found the strength for a few words only. ‘Vesta, forgive me.’
Lolly was quiet, staring at her sister who groaned and sweated beneath the bed sheets she had soiled. She wasn’t sure what she had expected. That Tullia would go to bed that night and simply not wake up? But it had been days now and still Tullia was not dead. Lolly took hold of her sister’s wrist and felt the pulse that beat irregularly beneath her fingertips. Surely, it could not be much longer?
The doctor had been sent for as soon as it was discovered Tullia was ill, but he could do nothing for her. Tullia would die, the doctor said, it was just a matter of time. But Lolly couldn’t bear this waiting. She had even considered slipping the pillow out from beneath Tullia’s head and forcing it over her sister’s mouth. To stop the breath of her sister would be but the work of a moment; the slightest pressure on the pillow and it would all be over. But Tullia was never left alone. Tarquinia stayed constantly by her side.
Oh, just die, Tullia, Lolly thought. It’s tedious, keeping us waiting.
‘I blame you for this.’
Lolly looked across the bed to where her mother was sitting. ‘Me? How is this my fault?’
Tarquinia’s face was hard. ‘You’ve brought her to this with your vile behaviour, you and that monster. She is being punished because of you.’
So, Tarquinia knew about her and Lucius, Lolly realised. And she thought they had been so careful. ‘Lucius is not a monster.’
‘You don’t even have enough shame to deny it.’
‘Why should I deny it?’ Lolly said. ‘It’s no business of yours.’
‘How can I have given birth to such a creature as you?’ Tarquinia asked bitterly. ‘You should have died in my womb or been left on a hilltop to be picked apart by wolves.’
The breath caught in Lolly’s throat. She knew her mother didn’t like her, but to hear that Tarquinia wished she had died was painful. She didn’t know what to say, wasn’t sure she could say anything. So she said nothing.
Tullia’s ragged breathing suddenly quietened. Both Lolly and Tarquinia leant forward, ears straining. Tullia stopped breathing altogether a minute later.
With an animalistic howl, Tarquinia gathered up her daughter in her arms and held her sagging body to her chest.
Lolly watched her mother and dead sister. She had done it, she had killed and it had been so easy. The only thing that had gone wrong was Tullia taking too long to die. She hadn’t used enough poison, that was all. She wouldn’t make the same mistake with Arruns.
Arruns started up from the couch as soon as he saw Lolly enter.
‘How is she?’ he asked.
Lolly looked at him coldly, then shifted her gaze deliberately to Lucius, who was leaning against a column, arms folded, a frown creasing his forehead. She moved towards him and met his eyes. ‘Tullia’s dead, Lucius.’
Behind her, Arruns choked out a sob. Lolly kept her eyes on Lucius and he stared right back.
‘I can’t believe it, I can’t,’ Arruns said. ‘I must see her.’ He ran out of the room and they were alone.
‘She’s dead, Lucius,’ Lolly said quietly. ‘By Dis, Lucius, say something.’
His stare was intense, his expression unreadable. She was suddenly scared. Had he changed his mind? Was he sorry now he had agreed to Tullia’s murder?
‘You did it,’ he said at last.
Was he accusing her? Her heart started to beat faster. ‘Yes, I did,’ she said, determined not to show her fear.
He unfolded his arms and made a grab at her. For the briefest of moments, she thought he was going to put his hands around her throat and throttle her. But he put his hands around her jaw, pulled her towards him and kissed her fiercely, his lips crushing hers. Lolly felt herself grow wet and she clutched at him as he broke the kiss, not wanting him to stop.
‘You worried me there for a moment,’ she gasped. ‘I thought you’d changed your mind.’
‘Bit late for that,’ he grinned and helped himself to a cup of wine. ‘Want one?’
She nodded and took the cup from him. ‘Mother knows about us.’
‘You told her?’
‘No. I don’t know how she knows.’
‘But she does.’
‘Yes.’
‘Does it matter?’ he shrugged. ‘Does she suspect?’ he asked suddenly.
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Then the worst Tarquinia can do is tell Servius, if she hasn’t already.’
‘Father won’t do anything,’ Lolly said with certainty.
‘Let him try,’ Lucius said, giving her another kiss. ‘So, Arruns next?’
‘Soon,’ she said, a little surprised at his impatience.
‘How?’
‘The same way. It will look like they both caught the same disease.’
He gave her an admiring smile. ‘You’ve got it all thought out, haven’t you?’
‘I told you you could leave it to me.’
‘Yes, you did.’ He laughed and pinched her cheek. ‘I’m glad you’re on my side.
She took his hand and kissed the palm. ‘I’ve always been on your side, Lucius, and I always will.’
Tarquinia gently placed Tullia’s death mask alongside Tanaquil’s in the atrium. She stroked the cold, hard cheek and knew she was crying again. Gone. Tullia was gone. Her body was still in the domus, of course, washed and shrouded, but her essence, the thing that made Tullia herself, had left. And to have been taken so suddenly. Tarquinia hadn’t even had time to say goodbye properly.
She wiped her wet cheeks with her fingers and sniffed. Crying wouldn’t do any good, she had work to do. There were the mourners and musicians to hire, the funeral feast to order… She was glad of the work; it would keep her busy, not give her too much time to think.
Tarquinia turned at the sound of running footsteps. Arruns’s personal slave, Silo, was hurtling towards her.
‘What is it?’ she asked.
Silo skidded to a stop. ‘It’s my master, domina,’ he said. ‘Please come,’ and he ran off the way he had come.
Tarquinia ran after him, all thoughts of her work banished. The slave had run to the garden and its bright sunlight dazzled her. She shielded her eyes, squinting for Silo. She found him at the end of the path in the arbour. He was bending over, speaking to something on the ground. Tarquinia hurried towards him.
Arruns was lying on the dirt. His skin was flushed and sweaty, his mouth was open and spittle was leaking from one corner.
‘Arruns,’ Tarquinia whispered, falling to her knees. She gently lifted his head and lay it in her lap. ‘Fetch the doctor,’ she told Silo. He hurried away.
Tarquinia used a fold of her dress to wipe the sweat from Arruns’s face. She bent her head and whispered that help was coming, that he would be fine, that this was nothing, he would be well soon.
Every word she uttered was a lie. Arruns was dead by the time the guards arrived to carry him to his bed.
‘Are you coming to dinner?’ Servius asked, putting his head around the cubiculum door.
Tarquinia was lying on the bed, her knees drawn up to her chest. She shook her head. ‘I’m not hungry.’
‘You should eat, my dear. Shall I have something brought to you?’
‘No.’
Servius entered the room and shut the door behind him. ‘I know you’re upset—’
‘Aren’t you?’
‘Of course I am, Tarquinia.’
‘You didn’t cry at their funerals.’
‘It would have been undignified.’
Tarquinia sat up and sniffed. ‘And we can’t have that, can we?’
‘What is it you want from me?’
‘You know what I want,’ Tarquinia eyed Servius squarely.
Servius rubbed his forehead vigorously. ‘I can’t believe it.’
‘Because you don’t want to. Lolly and Lucius killed Arruns and Tullia, believe me.’
‘You have no proof,’ Servius burst out. ‘Nothing to support what you�
��ve said to me.’
‘You have the proof of your own eyes, Servius. Did you see them at the funerals? Did you actually look at those two? Nothing, not one tear did either of them shed.’
‘Because they, like me, knew it would be undignified. You cried enough for all of us.’
‘At least I can cry,’ Tarquinia said, proving her words true as tears fell down her cheeks. ‘I have it in me to feel. Not like those monsters out there. I suppose they’re eating? Stuffing their faces as if nothing’s happened.’
‘Tarquinia—’
‘Your daughter killed her sister and then killed her husband,’ Tarquinia shouted at him. ‘All because she’s rutting with that beast. I told you when you and Mother decided the girls would marry that Lolly wanted Lucius. I warned you against it and you didn’t listen. You should confront them with the truth, see how they quail then.’
‘And what then?’ Servius said impatiently. ‘What do I say to them: you killed your spouses, how very naughty you are?’
‘You have them punished,’ Tarquinia screeched. ‘You have them dragged out into the forum and whipped for all to see them for the monsters they are.’
‘Are you insane?’ Servius cried. ‘Our family will be entirely exposed. Every man in Rome who hates me will use such a scandal to speak against the monarchy. It will be said my family is corrupt, rotten to its core. It will be said I harbour murderers and whores within these walls. It won’t matter that it isn’t true—’
‘It is true.’
‘It will be said I am complicit in such deeds, and if there are those who are willing to think I played no part in them, it will still be said that I cannot control my own family, so how can I control Rome? The people will rise up, egged on by every man I’ve ever thwarted. We would be dragged from this fine house of ours onto the streets and stoned. And where would your mother’s precious dynasty be then? Gone, just like that.’ He snapped his fingers.
Tarquinia was crying now, mucus dripping unchecked from her nostrils. ‘I want them punished. I don’t care what else happens.’
‘Then you’re a fool. And I won’t listen to you when you’re like this, Tarquinia, I absolutely refuse.’ Servius yanked open the door and slammed it behind him.
Servius kept his hand on the door latch. He shouldn’t have walked out on Tarquinia; it was cruel, knowing how upset she was. He wondered if he should go back in, say he was sorry and listen to what she had to say.
But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to have to listen to Tarquinia say those hateful, awful things about Lolly. Where had she got the idea that Lolly had anything to do with the deaths of Tullia and Arruns? They had caught a disease, something new, something unknown, the doctor said, and it had killed them. They should be thankful the rest of them hadn’t succumbed.
Servius could believe, did believe, Lolly and Lucius were fornicating. Lolly made her liking for Lucius so obvious. Whenever they were in the same room, it was him her eyes were always upon. Tarquinia was right there. He and Tanaquil should have listened to her and let Lolly marry Lucius. They would have been happy then and not have to love one another behind closed doors.
Servius let go of the door latch and made his way to the dining room. He wasn’t hungry, either, but having dinner was something you did, even when you had just burned the bodies of two people you loved. As he drew nearer the dining room, he heard the voices of Lolly and Lucius and he hesitated before making himself visible to them. He didn’t want to walk in on them if they were being intimate, it would be embarrassing for them all. He listened a moment for sounds that would send him away but heard nothing but murmurs. He went in.
‘How is Mother?’ Lolly asked when she saw him.
‘She’s gone to bed,’ he said, sitting on the couch. ‘She’s not hungry.’
‘She’s very upset,’ Lolly said.
‘Yes, she is.’ He took a deep breath. ‘And how are you two?’
‘Oh,’ Lolly blinked, surprised by the question. She glanced at Lucius. ‘Coping. Aren’t we, Lucius?’
Lucius nodded, keeping his eyes on the dishes before him.
‘Good. We shall all miss them very much.’ Servius hung his head.
‘Father,’ Lolly said, angling her head to look up into his face, ‘what is it?’
He gave her a brave smile. ‘Nothing, really. It’s just… I can’t help thinking, you wouldn’t know, but I can’t help thinking of something that happened many years ago, something terrible.’
‘You’re talking about the curse,’ Lucius said, studying Servius with interest.
Servius stared at him through misty eyes. ‘You know about the curse?’
‘Grandmother told us.’
‘I didn’t know.’ Servius kept his eyes on Lucius. ‘You know then what that woman cursed me with. Discord and strife. Pain delivered through my children. Is this it, do you think? Is this what she meant?’
‘Father,’ Lolly said with a little nervous laugh, ‘you’re upset.’
‘Yes, I’m upset,’ Servius said, ‘I’m in pain, just like that woman wanted. I’m in pain and I’m upset because I’ve lost two of the beings dearest to me. Why aren’t you?’ He looked up suddenly into his youngest daughter’s eyes.
‘I am upset,’ Lolly insisted, her breath catching in her throat. ‘How can you say I’m not?’
‘I’ve seen you shed no tears, daughter,’ Servius said. ‘Your mother—’
‘What? What does Mother say?’
Servius glanced at Lucius, who had fixed him with a hard stare. ‘Your mother…’ He couldn’t bring himself to say that Tarquinia thought Lolly had had a hand in murder. To say those words would give them life and meaning. ‘Your mother is perturbed at your lack of sorrow,’ he said instead.
‘Is she?’ Lolly said fiercely, her eyes blazing. ‘What does she know of my sorrow? My heart is breaking, Father. I have lost my husband and my sister.’
‘And I suppose you expect me to believe that you seek solace in the arms of your brother-in-law?’ he retorted.
He saw Lolly grip Lucius’s arm. Lucius did nothing but stare at Servius with what he suspected was amusement.
‘Your mother wants me to stop you two. Wants me to have you whipped in the forum for your… for your fornication.’
‘I won’t listen to this,’ Lolly said at last, ‘and I won’t be spoken to in this way.’ She snatched her napkin from her lap and threw it on the table, pushing herself up from the couch and storming out.
‘She didn’t deny it,’ Servius said, reaching for a date.
‘Why should she?’ Lucius said.
‘For decency’s sake,’ Servius suggested. ‘But I forget who I’m talking to.’
He expected Lucius to react, to move to hit him, to throw some insult back into his face. To his surprise, Lucius did nothing.
He shook his head. ‘This is the curse working, I know it. I’ve been stupid. I had thought your grandmother’s prayers and sacrifices had thwarted the curse completely. I have been lax in sacrificing since she died.’
‘You put too much faith in a dying woman’s words,’ Lucius said.
Servius managed a cold smile. ‘You speak brave, Lucius, yet I see you tremble.’ He gestured at the hand that gripped Lucius’s cup. ‘You believe in the curse as much as I do. And you fear it.’
‘The curse was directed at you.’
‘You think Poena will distinguish between me and you? It’s family that matters, Lucius, not blood. And you are my family.’
Lucius rose abruptly and strode around the couches, stopping in front of Servius. ‘I’m not a Tullius, Servius. I’m a Tarquin, and the Tarquins are not cursed.’ He walked slowly out of the dining room.
‘That’s right, Lucius,’ Servius called after him, ‘you keep telling yourself that.’
Lolly couldn’t rest. Her father’s words to her in the dining room had disturbed her. He hadn’t said so, but she had seen and heard his hesitation when he talked of Tarquinia. She knew what that hesitation me
ant. Tarquinia suspected her and Lucius of murder, despite all her efforts, and her father wasn’t willing to say so.
She began to wish she hadn’t walked out. Lucius would tell her what had been said but Lucius was a man, he wasn’t attuned to the little quirks and mannerisms that would tell Lolly what was really going on behind her father’s eyes.
And she wanted to know what he believed. How safe were they, she and Lucius? She knew her mother had lost what little love she had for her, and of course, Tarquinia had nothing but hatred for Lucius. If Lolly were in her mother’s place, if she had a daughter whom she suspected of murdering her child, she would not rest until she had vengeance. Tarquinia would be thinking the very same, Lolly knew. Even if Servius suspected and did nothing, Tarquinia would not rest. She and Lucius would not be safe until Tarquinia was dead.
But what did her mother matter? she told herself. Servius wasn’t paying any attention to Tarquinia, so she didn’t need to worry about her. At least, her father knowing about her and Lucius made things a little easier in the domus. They wouldn’t have to worry now about being seen. Providing, of course, her father didn’t try to separate them by marrying Lucius off to another woman and she to another man. That was a worry. She would, Lolly decided, have to secure Lucius before that could happen.
Lolly had stopped taking precautions and now she had what she needed. Lucius had seeded her womb and she was to have his child. It was time to speak to her father.
She found him, as usual, at his desk in his study. He was always working these days, even more so than before. It was strange, she reflected, how separate lives were being led in the domus. Servius spent most of his time either in his study or at the senate and she and Lucius shared his cubiculum openly. Tarquinia stayed out of the way, dining alone in her room because she refused to share a table with Lolly and Lucius and Servius had given up trying to change her mind.
Servius looked up at her and she noticed how tired he looked. His hair had turned a dark grey and there were bags beneath his eyes. He had lost weight, too. ‘I need to speak with you, Father.’