by Mandi Beck
“Never knew why you were leaving; I had hoped, but you never said.”
Head down, staring at her feet, she shakes her head. “How could you not have known?” I can barely hear her she’s so quiet. When she looks at me again, I’m not sure what she’s feeling. There’s a myriad of emotions flashing in her eyes, across her face. “Did you not know how much I loved you, still love you?” I nod that I did. Because I did. No matter if we were together or not, I knew she loved me, even if she pushed me away.
“Then how could you think so little of me, of my feelings?” Tears in her eyes again, she blows out a breath. “Clearly our need to take it slow is very real.”
At this moment, I agree with her. I never thought that the day would come where I needed to be away from Frankie in order to clear my head, get my shit straight, but it has, and I do. “I think you’re right,” I say resolutely, meeting her gaze. “It’s pretty obvious that our communication is shit. You’re pissed at me for keeping things from you when for months you were doing the same thing.” My eyes roam her face, touching on the tears I can see hovering on her lashes and the sadness pulling at her mouth. “We’re either in this all the way or not at all, and right now, I feel like we’re in different corners, fighting each other, and I need a minute.”
“So, what does that even mean, Deacon?”
Hands clenched in the towel hanging around my neck, I blow out an agitated breath. “It means . . . fuck, I don’t know what it means. I guess it means I need a fucking break,” I bite out more harshly than I intended.
She blinks slowly, digesting what I just said, and in a daze, walks out of the locker room all kinds of upset and beat down. I can’t even go after her, although part of me wants to. A greater part . . . doesn’t.
“Fuck.”
Quietly, I make my way into the kitchen from the garage. It’s nearly one in the morning and I don’t want to wake Frankie. Just as I’m placing my keys and wallet in the bowl, “I didn’t think that you were coming home.” There’s so much in her tone. Accusations, questions, hurt, hope. I can’t even bear to hear all of it right now. I’ve spent the last several hours at the gym beating the hell out of myself and thinking about this morning, and the more I thought about our conversation, the madder I got. The madder I got, the more the need to be away from her grew.
“I’m home. Just need to get packed; I’ve got a flight to catch in a couple of hours.” I make my way past her and fight the need to touch her, to hold her, to shake her for making me feel this way.
Taken aback, she looks at me, confusion clouding her eyes. “A flight? Where are you going?”
“I’ve got a meeting with the EWF in California in a couple days. Gonna get there early and get some training in with my buddies on base. Might stay a few days after I see what the Federation has to say.” Not making eye contact, I start up the stairs. I can feel her watching me as I take them two at a time.
“Can I come with?” Frankie asks hesitantly from the foot of the staircase.
At the landing, I turn and look down at my girl. Big, comfy sweater hanging off one shoulder, fuzzy socks hiding her legs from me, stopping just above her knees. Blue eyes watching me, lip pulled between her teeth, and hands playing with the hem of her top. I shake my head to rid myself of the thoughts running through my mind, the first being, “Get inside her. Now,” and focus on the mad I’ve been letting fester all damn day.
“Nah, not this time. I need a minute to get my shit straight. You go ahead and see Drew. I’ll be back soon.” I fight to keep the bitterness out of my tone, but I’m shit at hiding my feelings, especially from her. She hears it—there’s no way she can miss it. Pivoting, I head into my bedroom. It’s just a matter of time before she comes at me, demanding an explanation. Duffel on the bed, I start grabbing up clothes, rolling them tight, and putting them in the bag on autopilot.
“You’re mad because I want to go and talk to him, so you’re punishing me by leaving me alone here?” she asks incredulously.
“Not mad, Princess, just got shit to do. And I’m not leaving you alone. Reggie, Trent, Bo, and a couple other guys that Reg called will all be here with you.” Brushing past, I grab my shit out of the bathroom.
“You are mad. Why can’t you just admit it? I told you I wasn’t going back to him. I only want to talk to him, Deacon, not suck his di—”
“Stop. Just fucking stop,” my voice raised to drown out what she’s saying. “I don’t want to talk about it. You want to go see him, go. I don’t have to like it. In fact, I won’t. I’m not gonna hash this shit out with you again.” I say that, but I can’t stop from doing exactly that. Throwing my toiletry bag on the bed, I spin to face her. “You almost fucking died, Frankie. Died. And again, while he may not have been the one to physically hurt you, it’s his fault. So excuse the fuck out of me if I’m a little fucking pissed that you want to be anywhere near him.” I huff out a disgusted breath and cross to my closet, only to turn and stalk back to where she stands. Stopping directly in front of her. Close enough to reach out and touch her. Far enough that I won’t.
“Tell me why. Why do you need to see him?” I demand. “Make me understand so that I’m not so fucking heated, Frankie. Because right now I just don’t fucking get it. I don’t get it. I don’t like it. And I sure as fuck am not going to sit here with my dick in my hand while you go and get your closure or whatever bullshit you need.” Not waiting for an answer, I grab up my stuff and slam out of the room. Whatever I don’t have I can buy. I’m madder than I should be, but I can’t help it. Some of it is jealousy, I know. But the majority of it is plain ass pissed the fuck off. Instead of waiting and letting her explain, I bail. I can’t hear it right now. Not with my head where it’s at. So now it’s me who’s running like a pussy, but I need a minute and there’s no way I’m getting it with her in the same fucking zip code, let alone house.
San Diego is where I was stationed while I was in the Marines. My pop and Guy opened a gym less than a mile from the base while I was in boot camp, offering free membership to anyone active duty and discounted to retired military. It’s my favorite of all our gyms and where I did a lot of my early training. Walking through the doors at six A.M. after a red-eye feels like coming home in a way. Even at this early hour, the gym is busy. I scan the floor as I make my way to the reception desk before I hit the stairs and the apartment that we keep atop the gym for when we’re in town. Mav and Sonny will be meeting me here later today, as they opted to take a flight at a more reasonable hour.
“Hey, Jodi, I’m heading up to the apartment. I’ll be in town for the next few days at least if anyone is looking for me,” I say, reaching for the mail addressed to me that’s kept in a slot behind her. Her eyes light up as they run over me from head to toe. Fuck.
“I’m glad you’re back. Things are always more interesting when you’re around.” Smiling coyly, “I’m off at seven. Want me to come up?” she asks hopefully. Jodi is beyond hot and whenever I’m in town we hook up. A lot. She’s down for anything and knows that I’m not looking for more than a quick fuck. I hope to hell she doesn’t get all fucking weird on me now.
“As tempting as that offer is,” I lie, “I have to pass, Jo. I have a girl now.” Doesn’t matter that we aren’t in a great place at the moment, she’s mine and I’m hers, no matter how pissed I am at her frustrating ass.
Jodi lets a surprised laugh slip past her lips before she catches herself. “Oh, shit. You’re serious, aren’t you?” Her eyes are about to bug out of her damn head. “If I didn’t know you better I’d swear that you were full of shit. But I give amazing head, so you must be telling the truth,” she teases. I just shake my head and laugh.
“Yeah, I’m serious. We cool?” Eyebrows raised questioningly, I feel like an ass when she’s now the one laughing.
“Uhhh, yeah. We’re cool, you wanker. I’m happy for you. It’s about damn time,” Jodi chides, throwing me a hip bump. “So do I know her? Please don’t say it’s that fecking Veronica whor
e.” She pins me with crazy eyes. Her posh English accent going out the door and replaced with something decidedly not posh. “I may have to cut you and then blow you anyway just because it’s her. That would make it funny.”
My shit mood forgotten, I give her a hug, laughing my ass off. “Nah, you can keep the ‘in your face’ blow job . . . it’s definitely not Veronica. It’s Frankie.” Releasing her I take a step back just in time to catch her reaction to that news.
She smiles and says, “Always has been.”
I nod and agree, “Yeah, it has. Anyways, I’m here. Let the boys know if you see any of my crew, yeah? Especially Leo.”
“You got it. Now get out of here with your tempting off-the-market ass before I knock you down and rape your face.” Throwing me a wink, she goes back to her work.
“See ya around, Jodi,” I call as I head for the door that will take me to the apartment and to bed. Alone.
My brothers arrive by early afternoon, banging around and being pains in the ass to make sure I’m awake. “I’m up, you dumb fuckers,” I yell, climbing out of bed and pulling on the sweats I had thrown over the chair. Striding into the living room, I find Mav and Sonny sitting on the couch and eyeing me expectantly. “You just get in?” I ask them, running my fingers through my tangled hair, pulling it into a messy knot on the top of my head.
“Yeah, Pops told us to get here, so we got here,” Mav says as he shoves a bite of bagel into his mouth.
Sonny looks over the brim of his coffee cup at me; I would kill for a cup of that right now. “You want to tell us why we’re here instead of our home base?” he asks in that calm tone of his.
Adjusting myself in my sweats, I go to the kitchen, avoiding his probing gaze, and pour a cup of coffee, adding cream and sugar. Fuck it. I lean back against the counter and watch him across the breakfast bar. “I just needed to get away, Sonny. There was too much going on and I needed out.” The steam from my mug feels good against my face as I blow on the hot brew. “Plus, I have the meeting with the EWF, and being here gives me a chance to go at some fresh sparring partners. I’m sure Leo has some guys.”
I’m avoiding the real reason. My brothers aren’t stupid though. They’re both just looking at me, patiently waiting for me to cut the shit and just say it. It pisses me off. “What?” I demand as they watch me silently. “For fuck’s sake. What do you want me to say? You want to hear that I’m pissed at Frankie? That I don’t want to be in the same room with her right now because I’m afraid that I want to shake some sense into her?” My voice rises with each word before I’m shouting across the kitchen at them. I would never touch her, and they know that. “I just . . . I just don’t get what the fuck she’s thinking and I need a minute to wrap my head around everything.”
What I don’t tell them is that I’m scared. Scared that I’ll lose her to him. Scared that I hurt him as much as I wanted to, or not enough, and that she’ll be angry with me. Shit, I’m scared that they’ll take her away and put her in protective custody with him somewhere and I won’t be able to find her. I don’t tell them all that though. That’s my shit to work through. The real reason I had to fly nearly two thousand miles away to think. I’m not good at dealing with this shit and I should’ve stayed to work through it all. But I didn’t and now I’m here and I need to find a way to man up and get past it.
“I don’t blame you, Deacon,” Sonny says, interrupting my thoughts.
Eyes narrowed, I wait for him to elaborate or to get all sentimental or shit on me with that one, but he doesn’t. He shakes his head a little and goes on, “She’s dead wrong on this, and I don’t blame you for needing a little bit of a breather. You’re volatile on your best day. You’d tear the damn city apart if you had to sit there while she went to see him. I would’ve suggested training here if you hadn’t. I just needed to hear you admit that it was all too much for you.”
I glance over at Mav who is tapping out a beat on his knee, not saying anything.
“Just say it, Maverick. I can see that you want to. You think I’m being stupid, don’t you?”
Curling his nose at me, he blows out a breath. “Yeah, I do. She just wants answers. How can you not see that?” His exasperation with the two of us is obvious. “You, I’m not surprised at.” He jerks his chin in my direction. “You have tunnel vision when it comes to the Princess. You see her and you want nothing from the outside world to get near her unless you say so. You’ve always been like that, it’s just gotten worse.” Pointing a finger at Sonny, “You though I am shocked at. You are usually the voice of reason for this one,” Mav says, flicking his thumb over his shoulder where I sit. “I can’t handle two reckless brothers. That’s all your area, not mine,” he tells Sonny defiantly.
The sound of my phone breaks the sudden silence that settled over us after Mav’s little speech. Scooping it up off the counter,
Frankie: I hope you landed safely xoxo
My lip kicks up in a small smile without me even thinking about it. As mad as I am, I love the fuck out of this woman. It’s why she’s able to piss me off like she does. Love her or not, I’m not ready to talk to her. I’m bitter and anything I say now would be out of anger. That will only hurt us both even more. I shoot back,
Me: Yeah, I’m here
Right before I’m about to tuck it in my pocket, it pings again.
Frankie: I’m glad. I’m here when you want to talk
Me : K
Locking the phone, I toss it back onto the counter. It’s going to take everything in me to not cave and just go back home to her.
“I’m gonna hit the shower; meet you downstairs in twenty?” I ask as I head to the bathroom. I need a minute away from their observant stares and Mav’s judgey ass. This isn’t about him. It’s about me. It’s about Frankie and the fact that she has the ability to wreck me. She may not do it on purpose, but regardless, it wouldn’t be hard to do.
After five days, I’m ready to be home. I’m not any less moody here than I was there. I’m still ass hurt over Frankie wanting to talk to that asshole, and although I came here to be away from her so that I can get my thoughts in order, it’s just not happening. Something’s gotta fucking give. San Diego is usually one of my favorite cities to visit. Great friends, good eats, and our gym is low key with some stellar sparring talent. Not this trip though. No, this trip is fucking torture. The meeting didn’t go all that well with the EWF. They’re stoked that Andrew isn’t pressing charges, but the press surrounding the whole thing isn’t great since so much of it has to be kept out of the media. All they see is some ragey fucking MMA fighter who beat up his girlfriend’s ex-fiancé. Nobody has the particulars. At least I’m able to say it was in self-defense and that I was protecting Frankie. Even with that, they’re still up in the air on if they’re going to let me have my go at the strap or if they’re just going to postpone it until the shitstorm settles a bit. Either way, I’m fucked and left kissing their asses and meeting their every demand. I don’t kiss ass well. Well, I do, just not like this and not theirs. The ping of my phone interrupts me from my thoughts.
Frankie: How are things with the federation? Anything I can do?
The Princess has texted me every day that I’ve been gone. I’m still mad though, and even though it kills me to be away from her, I need to be. She’s not aware of the extent of the bullshit I’m dealing with over the Andrew debacle. I don’t want her to worry or feel guilty, so I’ve asked everyone to just keep her out of it.
Me: OK
Frankie: You coming home now?
With my thumbs hovering above the keyboard, I want to ask her if she still plans on going to see that fucker, but I don’t have the energy to deal with that shit right now and I have to be in the gym in a few minutes.
Me: Not yet.
Frankie: OK. I canceled my classes tonight so I’m home if you feel like talking later.
Why the hell did she cancel her classes? That’s not like her at all. I’ve seen her dance with sprains, colds, the flu, even brok
en bones. I don’t ask why though; it would be too easy. I care too much, even now when I don’t want to.
Me: OK
Not waiting for a response, I turn the phone to silent and pocket it. I’ve got the next four hours at the gym to try and figure out my girl and what the hell my next move is.
Less than ten minutes later, I bound down the steps and enter the gym. Sonny and Mav are already down here working on getting together some sparring partners and maybe a little impromptu Cage match while we’re here. We used to do them all the time, but it’s hard now that I’m pro. There are so many rules and waivers involved it just becomes too much. I hope they can get it figured out though. It would be a good time, like bringing it all back to my roots. I reach the bottom of the stairs and swing the door open, running right into my boy, Leo. I went through basic with him and two tours.
“What’s up, my brotha?” he asks, raising his arm for a fist bump. “I was just coming up to get your lazy ass. Your brothers have been busting their balls all morning trying to line up sparring partners that are willing to take on ‘The Hitman,’” he says mockingly.
“Shut up, dick. Why don’t you bring your ass in the ring and let me take you to the mats?”
He scoffs, “Bitch, please, I’m not stupid. One time in the Cage with you was more than enough. I’m not as dumb as YOU look, fucker.”
Both of us laughing, we go over to where my brothers are standing, handing out what I assume are waivers to spar and to absolve the gym of any liability that me hurting anyone might incur. The struggle is real, apparently.
“You two got anyone good for me to beat up?” I yell to them.
“Just do your warm up and wait in the ring, punk!” Sonny tells me, a shit-eating grin on his usually stoic face.