Shards of My Heart
Page 16
Shane: What?
me: Where are you? How do you say you are going to do one thing and then do another without telling me?
Shane: I don’t know what you are so upset about. I just needed some me time. It’s beautiful out and I just wanted to go for a drive.
me: Awesome. Good for you, getting your time. Honestly, Shane. Why do you do these things? I’m leaving. Obviously, nothing I ever say gets through to you. My feelings don’t matter to you. You don’t respect me enough to let me be a part of your life.
Shane: Dammit, I’ll be home in ten minutes. Get a grip. How can I talk to you? You are the crazy one.
me: Right.
And I hung up...fuming. He had spent more time getting away from me than being with me. It didn’t matter what I said, he just did his own thing. Later I would have to listen once more to how he did everything for us and nothing for himself. Once when I had asked what I did for me, he responded with ‘everything.’ God, I loved being a spectator in his life.
So, I added more supplies to the vehicle. That’s when Lola called me.
Lola: I can see you are upset.
Ah, the beauty of having friends across the road. She was sitting outside talking to Evan. I could see them, too.
me: Yup. I’m done. I just…I’m done.
Lola: Come over and talk. Get away from it for a bit. You know Shane. He’ll be gone for hours. And if you still want to leave after talking to me, I’ll help you pack.
We ended our call and I went in to check on Kylie. She has just woken up, was still rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Dropping the side of her crib, I reached in and pulled her to me, snuggling her close.
me: Oh, Kylie, mama loves you...so very much.
After a diaper change, I popped her on my baby hip and walked across the road. Flopping down into the nearest Adirondack chair, I sighed heavily.
Lola: That good, huh?
That was all the encouragement I needed to share everything that was bothering me. I even told her about the lack of sex. Given that every man, but my husband, seemed to want me, this was really hard to take.
Lola: If you are that miserable, you need to start moving things back over here.
Nodding miserably in agreement, I pondered my next move.
me: I need to get out. I spend all my time at home working and caring for Kylie. It doesn’t have to be anything big or fancy. Hell, I want to go to dinner. I just want to be an adult and relax and get away.
In the past, I would have wanted to go out with Shane, but at the moment, I wanted to be as far away from him as possible. That was when he pulled into the driveway, half an hour later than he told me he would. I didn’t rush over to greet him, like I normally would. There was no wave, no smile, no indication that I cared at all. It felt good.
Lola: Okay, let’s go to dinner. We’ll meet at 6pm. My phone is dead, so you just have to meet me, I won’t be able to talk or text.
me: I get it.
That’s how I ended up with plans at Hickory Tavern with Kylie and Lola on a Saturday night. Reluctantly, I headed back across the street. It was time for Kylie’s feed anyway.
Walking up the driveway, I found him pouring a beer into a cup. What, suddenly he was fancy...and a beer drinker? Wondering how that would mix with the meds, I was glad I had ditch bags packed in the back of the vehicle.
Shane: Hi!
me: Hi.
And we walked past him into the house. It wasn’t like he tried to stop us or really engage in conversation. Since it didn’t matter if we told each other where we were going, I didn’t feel the need to let him know I was going to dinner. Sure, this was a horrible way to treat a marriage, getting back at each other instead of talking through things, but I didn’t really care. Sometimes, it didn’t seem like there was much to hold onto, like there was anything worth fighting for. This...wasn’t enough for me. Shane...wasn’t enough for me.
When he finally walked in, I was sitting on the floor finishing Kylie’s feed. It was 5:40pm and I’d have to leave within the next ten minutes to be on time.
Shane: Want me to make dinner? I saw there is chicken in the fridge that I can cook.
me: Nope. Let’s do dinner on our own. I’m taking Kylie to Target to get some things she needs. Chances are, I’ll eat dinner out.
Sitting back suddenly, he showed his surprise. This was uncharacteristic for me. Always, I was the one trying to make sure we had family meals. I never did anything without discussing with him. It was another example of me trying to model for him the behavior I wanted in our marriage. Now, however, I was channeling him...doing just as he did. Clearly, he didn’t like it.
Shane: Oh, okay. Well, if you change your mind, just call and let me know. I’ll make dinner.
me: Sure.
Then I picked up Kylie, walked into our bathroom, and made myself pretty. When I came out, he narrowed his eyes at me.
Shane: All this for Target.
me: This is what I always look like when I leave the house. You just never pay attention. I’ll be back.
He was dying for a time. I could feel it. This gave me some perverse happiness. Sometimes it was nice to turn the table on his hardheaded ass.
Before I made it off the street, I had called Evan. He knew where I was going and I was covering my tracks.
me: Please don’t tell Shane where I am. He’s still mad at Lola for yelling at him when you dropped off the truck to Corinne and Joel’s.
Evan: You got it. Have fun!
That was that. I already felt better...and different. In the past, it was Shane I was calling as I was leaving. For some reason, it was so difficult for me to leave him. Maybe in the past I was just afraid of what he was doing unattended. Now...I didn’t care. Honestly, I didn’t. If he wanted to mess things up, I was fine with moving on. And if he wanted to keep me, it was going to take a hell of a lot more than he had done so far.
Dinner was lovely. Though we had planned to eat at Hickory Tavern, it was entirely too crowded. Instead, we dined at Ruby Tuesday. Lola was so pleased to see me eating something other than fried chicken. (That crab cake was stupid good.) By reminding myself that the baked potato was a complex carb, I was able to comfort myself some. After avoiding the bread, I gave myself a huge pat on the back. We were so relaxed that it wasn’t until the waiter returned to ask about dessert that I realized my phone had been uncharacteristically quiet. My purse was on Lola’s side of the table.
me: Can you check my phone so I can see what time it is?
Once she had looked in the top and on the sides, she gave up and passed me my purse.
Lola: You look. I can’t find it without digging.
Already, I was frowning. It should be on top. I know I had it in the car. Playing the night back in my mind, I remembered plugging the phone in, unplugging it when I parked. Did I stick it in my purse? Did I set it down? My habit has been to stick it in one of the end pockets for easy access, just like my keys. I hate digging through a purse...yet here I was.
me: It’s not here.
Yup, I was about in a panic. Sure, I had a passcode on the phone ever since Kylie learned to text, create Facebook posts, and erase my apps, but it didn’t prevent someone from taking it and dumping it. I would need another iPhone to search for mine. Crazy. It was time to head home.
We left the restaurant, retracing our steps. It wasn’t until I reached the car that I saw it, glowing. I had a text message...from Shane.
Shane: Target?
Yeah. That. I still had to go to Target. Crap.
Before I could respond, he was already calling. I had been gone an entire hour and it was too much for him. There was time spent explaining, a partial lie, and I didn’t feel guilty. Not a bit. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Dinner with a girlfriend. Shopping. And all of it with Kylie.
Shane: You sure are taking a long time.
me: I lost my phone, had to retrace my steps. I’m headed to the grocery store. Need anything.
Shane: Hindsight.
>
me: What’s that mean?
Shane: Obviously this is payback for me leaving today. I should have known not to piss you off because you’d only do worse to me.
Rolling my eyes, I just ignored his comment. This was not something I made a habit of. Normally, I was the one sitting home, stewing, and then being forced to deal with his decisions. It was good for him to get to experience that.
By the time I made it back to the house, I had already received a call from Evan to let me know that he was over at the house babysitting Shane...his words, not mine. They were playing pool with another friend. Shane rushed right over to the car to help me carry in Kylie and the bags.
Shane: You were gone so long that I expected a lot more food than this.
me: I was relaxing and enjoying myself. You didn’t seem to mind being away from me, since you did it all day. We apparently don’t have to tell each other where we are going, so I just did my own thing.
Shane: You sounded really happy.
I turned to face him, to look him in the eye. He stopped what he was doing, just as I had hoped.
me: You want the truth? I enjoyed making you worry. You make me worry all the time. This is the first time all day that I’ve felt like you cared about me. Only maybe it wasn’t about that. Maybe I was only interesting to you because you didn’t know where I was or what I was doing. Maybe this isn’t love, but control for you. Either way...I was out with Kylie, enjoying myself and for once, you were the one home worrying.
With that...he quietly excused himself to go back to the man cave and play pool with his company while I readied our daughter for bed. Ever so quietly, Kylie and I sat in the dark on the couch watching Sprout’s night programming while she fell asleep. It had been a really enjoyable evening.
Last night, Shane came into the house after speaking to Evan.
Shane: Did you tell Evan that you wanted to go to the Renaissance Festival today?
me: Yes, we talked about it while you were still in the hospital. Do you want to go?
For years we had talked about going, but one thing or another prevented it. This year, there really was no reason not to go, other than he might be concerned as to who we would bump into. He really wasn’t thrilled with being around a lot of people these days. I watched him as he considered the idea.
me: It’s just a fun way to pass a day. Kylie has never been…
Then he interrupted me as I prepared to share my reasoning.
Shane: No, let’s go.
Now, it’s not uncommon for my husband to be very amenable to an idea initially and change his mind when it came time for the execution. There were times that we would call off going to the movies with friends just before we had to leave because suddenly his anxiety would be too much, he couldn’t handle being out in public, being around people. If I knew anything about the festival...there would be a TON of people.
So you can imagine my surprise when he woke bright and early this morning to make sure we left on time, just as we had planned. Even more, I was shocked that he helped me get Kylie ready, made sure we had everything packed in the car, and truly participated in every way he could. Seriously, you could have knocked me over with a feather.
Keep in mind, in his eyes, he does this all the time. He is super dad and husband extraordinaire. In reality, much of the time, he is meh. It has been my responsibility to be the sole caretaker of our daughter. Obviously, I wasn’t expecting much, I was prepared to forgo the festival...again. Except this time, he wanted to go. He was involved. It was awesome.
We had agreed to meet Evan there so that we could take our time, grab breakfast, and leave when we wanted. We stopped at the Harris Teeter grocery store to buy tickets in advance and avoid long lines at the entrance. That plan worked perfectly. Soon we were being directed to a parking spot in the vast field outside the gates. Instead of rushing, since we knew we had all day, we took our time getting ourselves ready. We walked leisurely and I realized that he was doing that crazy smiling thing again. He caught me looking.
Shane: What are you thinking?
me: I feel like a family...for the first time in a really long time, maybe ever.
History had shown that a comment like that could spark a fight and ruin a day, since there was a good chance he would view it as a criticism. Instantly, I wished I could swallow my words. Watching for a response, he turned to look at me, smile still securely in place.
Shane: I know. Me, too.
Then he wrapped his hand around mine on the stroller handle while we walked into the festival.
It didn’t take us long to find food. It took only slightly longer to find Evan. He was coming out of one of the comedy shows and joined us at a picnic table where I was enjoying a crepe.
Evan: Already into the food, I see.
me: Heck yeah. I plan on eating my way through this place.
Shane: So what do you want to do?
The question was directed at both of us. We looked at each other and Evan shared his plans, explained that he liked to shoot the paintball guns, throw some axes, check out some of the shows, and hang out in the beer tent.
me: I want a pretzel, and a turkey drumstick.
Shane: That’s what you want to do?
I beamed at him.
me: Yup. Everything else is a bonus. Oh, maybe look at some Celtic wedding bands…
That last part I left open, waiting for his reaction. About six months ago, his wedding band had broken. Given his line of work, since he used so many dangerous tools, we had purchased a wedding band designed to break under stress, rather than have him lose a finger. So, when his hand was momentarily pinched in between his ladder rack and the metal break, it shattered and left his finger intact.
In that moment, he smiled and reached over to squeeze my hand.
The day couldn’t have been more perfect. As I wished, I had my turkey leg while we sat around a tree on benches at lunch time. We stopped at the petting zoo where Kylie fed her first baby goats. After she grew accustomed to their bold manners and spastic behavior, she warmed right up to them. We sat around the beer tent, where the guys had some exotic sounding plastic cup of beer. There were a few shops that we stopped at...one was where we picked up a family crest The other was where we purchased a hammock big enough for two in a lovely shade of cornflower blue.
Finally, around 3pm, we started to head out.
Shane: Have you had a nice day?
me: Almost perfect.
His brow furrowed a moment as he thought.
Shane: How can I make it perfect for you?
me: I need a pretzel.
Beaming up at him, he looked down at me and let out a chuckle.
Shane: Is that all? I mean, I looked around and thought that the weather couldn’t be more perfect. It’s a gorgeous fall day. The temperature is perfect. Kylie has been so good. We now have a hammock for two. What more could you want? A pretzel.
Then he was distracted by shiny coins that had been crafted into necklaces. He glanced at me and motioned that he wanted to go in. Nodding, I started to turn the stroller to follow, when I saw the pretzel guy and raced over to him.
me: I have been looking for you all day!
pretzel guy: What a coincidence! I’ve been looking for you, too.
After taking my pretzel off the huge wooden holder he was carrying, I happily wandered over to Shane.
Shane: I wondered where you had disappeared to. Now I know.
I’m pretty sure I have never known him to be so relaxed and calm. It was so easy for me to glow in such a situation. We talked about it on the drive home.
Shane: You are just beaming. Your cheeks must hurt.
He loved teasing me lately. I giggled. Hmmm. Recently, I had been doing that more and more. It was so wonderful to have him look at me like that, so full of love and happiness. If this was our honeymoon period, I only wanted it to last forever.
me: You’re so easy to be with.
Shane: I’m always easy to be with.
<
br /> me: Right.
Shane: I’m not?
In the past, this would have been one of those minefields I would have avoided at all costs. Now, I just plow through, feeling like I’m completely invincible. Nodding, I respond to his question.
me: Historically speaking, no...you aren’t. You haven’t been. Now...you are different better. I want this Shane to stay around forever.
Leaning over the console in the vehicle, I planted a kiss on his shoulder and nuzzled against him. There was more to it than that, more that I wanted to tell him, try to explain, if I could, without him accusing me of being stupid.
me: These days, I’m feeling more connected to you than I have in a really long time.
Turning, he studied my face with a serious look on his own.
Shane: Me, too. I’m glad you feel it. I’m trying...so hard. This is who I want to be.
In my heart, I longed for us to try to go all the way. Sure, I felt loved, but I needed to feel wanted, too. I needed to know he was attracted to me. Again, I was reminded this wasn’t an area to push him. I’d just give him time.
Usually, Mondays were so rough. It seemed that no matter how much work I accomplished on a weekly basis, suddenly I’d open my email after the weekend and find that it was flooded with all these emergency requests that had to be completed immediately. This morning was no different, only my response had changed.
The thing about work is that it doesn’t matter how much of it there is, the degree of difficulty is based solely upon the way we face that work. So, while I was faced with another flooded email, I didn’t mind. Shane was still resting and I was just puttering away, completing one task at a time.
Around 9am, Shane joined me and Kylie in the great room. He went through his normal routine, coming out, greeting us, grabbing a drink of water, pulling out a container of ice cream to soften, then heading out to the garage to smoke. When he returned, he sat on his end of the couch and I caught him staring at me.
me: What?! Do I have something on my face?