Shards of My Heart

  Shane: Nope. You don’t even realize it, do you?

  me: Realize what?

  It felt like some game or joke...and that it was on me. I was really growing uncomfortable. He leaned close and kissed me on the cheek, then he pulled back and spoke to me in a voice so low it was almost a whisper.

  Shane: You’re humming.

  My breath caught in my throat. It was one of my tells, humming, and singing in the shower. At the beginning of our relationship, I used to do both all the time. Sometimes I’d be standing in the shower, turn, and find Shane leaning against the counter watching and smiling at me. He loved hearing me sing. How many times had he told me that our baby was so lucky to have such a loving, nurturing mother...that he had wished he’d had that?

  Shane: It’s a good look for you. Now I know you’re happy.

  Blushing, I just smiled at him. The man knows me.

  Later in the afternoon, we were both busy working while Kylie slept. I was in my spot on the couch and Shane was in the office working on his eBay store. Though I was pretty absorbed in my writing, I wasn’t so absorbed in it that I didn’t hear the all too familiar signs that Shane was getting frustrated with technology...again.

  Shane: Work, damn you.

  Shane: WORK, goddamn you!

  Just as I was about to stand, thinking I needed to intercede and prevent the blowout that would result in the replacement of yet another laptop, he calmed down. Listening from my seat, I waited. Finally, he just stood.

  Shane: Hey, Nina, I need some shipping labels printed and my computer won’t hook up to the printer.

  me: You make them, I’ll go in and print them. Sound good?

  Shane: Yup!

  That was it. Problem solved and another tragedy averted. Maybe he was a changed man after all. It was in these moments that I realized I liked him all over again. That...mattered.

  More and more, it was obvious that Shane was working to become a better husband, better father, better friend. Those were all good attributes and made him all that much more attractive to me. My frustration was that I didn’t seem to be getting any more attractive to him.

  Just this morning I had started a diet, my one last desperate attempt to change that. Plus, I suppose I felt like if he was working so hard to change and improve, I should, too. It made sense, it would show him that I was in this, that I was determined to make our relationship last and work through our problems.

  In so many ways, I no longer had reason to complain. He was now doing things I had wanted him to for so long, like lunch today.

  Shane: Are you hungry?

  Pausing while typing, I looked up from the laptop long enough to respond.

  me: Starving. You?

  Shane: Well, I thought I’d make lunch if you were ready to eat.

  me: I’d love that. Thank you.

  I meant it, too. One of my long held beliefs was that if I could simply model the behavior I wanted him to adopt, it would all come together. For years, I had been quick to say my please and thank yous, to admit when I was wrong and apologize. As long as I can remember, I would be kind and considerate throughout the day, until I stopped because he had angered me so, until I felt like all my actions were just fruitless. It seemed that nothing would ever change. He’d always be that rough around the edges guy with no manners as far as I was concerned. Only, now, even that seemed to be changing. If only he could demonstrate his love for me sexually, well, we’d be in business.

  So, he made me lunch, which we ate together while Kylie napped. It was so nice to have some adult alone time. Sure, the meal was chicken strips and veggies, but it was a meal I hadn’t had to cook, an interruption I hadn’t had to make to my day. We snuggled some on the couch before we both went back to work, but it was a lovely mid-day break.

  me: Thank you so much for lunch. I really appreciate it.

  He stared at me with those gorgeous pale blue eyes and nuzzled my cheek.

  Shane: You are welcome! Now, I’m going to move Kylie’s crib.

  It was something we had spoken about again and again. He had promised to move it when I gave him the indication that I was ready for her to be in her own room. Now was as good a time as any. At one time he had suggested that it was impossible for him to perform his husbandly duties with Kylie a few feet from our bed. Given the number of times she had woken up and freaked out when she caught us in the act, his concern that she would be scarred for life didn’t seem completely unfounded.

  The other night, he had mentioned it, moving Kylie. I guess I hadn’t taken him seriously. Let’s face it, he had been known to agree to do things that then never happened...all the time. So for him to remember without prodding, to even take the initiative because he had nothing better to do was amazing. It was just one more component of our lives that gave me a considerable amount of hope. Healing. My heart was healing.

  Sometime during the afternoon, I had to pause my work to run and hold the sides while he assembled it. When he asked, I moved quickly, since I remembered the last time we had moved the crib. It was when Kylie outgrew the bassinet. The experience was so miserable that he had sworn to never ever...ever move it again. That’s why I hadn’t asked when I was ready for her to move back into her room. Never ever ever.

  While I was in Kylie’s room working with Shane, I waited...completely on alert for the first sign that he was going to lose it over the assembly. It made no sense that he would frustrate so easily when it came to putting a piece of baby furniture together when he could build cabinets, and was so good with his hands. (As I recall…)

  It didn’t happen. There was no swearing, no slamming, no throwing things, no problem whatsoever. And when it was over...we went to dinner. Instead of what has now become his nightly question about what I’d like to do for the night, he simply made a suggestion.

  Shane: Let’s go to dinner. Where would you like to eat?

  me: We could try the Rusty Onion.

  It was a new restaurant that had sprung up where one of our old favorites had once been. Though we had talked about it multiple times, we had yet to go. He shrugged.

  Shane: Why not? Let’s do it.

  The meal itself was okay...we had chicken wings and garlic knots. The restaurant looked completely different...in the very best ways. We ate, we joked, we shared our opinions on the experience. And finally when we were done, we headed home. By then, it was just about bedtime for our baby.

  When it came time to tuck Kylie in at the end of the evening, we put her to bed together...in her new room. She didn’t seem too certain at first, but the exhaustion won out. Shane had headed down the hall while I continued to pat her to sleep. After achieving success, I went into our bathroom and stripped down until I was wearing just my bathrobe and panties. Finally, I headed to join him, but he wasn’t where I expected him to be. The couch was vacant, the kitchen was empty. It was only when I finally went out to the garage that I located him. He was thrilled to see me.

  Shane: Look! I put the hammock up! You need to come swing with me in it. It’s fun, look!

  Then by way of demonstration, he shoved off the pool table and glided around while completely ensconced in the hand-woven hammock. I must have worn a look of doubt on my face because he slowed down until he had completely stopped and tried again.

  Shane: Come on. It will be fun. Just...sit with me.

  Honestly, in my mind, I was calculating the weight it was about to hold, the beam that was holding it, and whether I thought we’d crash onto the cement floor or be supported. Before I could voice my concerns, he had tricked me into the hammock, sitting on top of him.

  Shane: Now you’re trapped…completely stuck until I let you go.

  me: You think so?

  I struggled to get free and found that he was probably right, for now.

  Shane: I can make it so you never want to get up.

  He was beneath me, my butt cheeks were perfectly positioned over his crotch. As we swayed in the mesh, I could feel him...growing more and more ere
ct beneath me. Instead of squirming to get up, now I was working on getting him off. Within seconds, he had figured it out.

  Shane: What are you doing?

  me: You refuse to let me off, so I decided to make the best of it.

  Then I giggled. By now I had found my rhythm, could feel his urgency beneath me, and I was really enjoying it. Oh, but before I was able to get too full of myself, he had pulled me back so that he could kiss my neck, fondle my nipples with one hand and ultimately, shove a hand under my panties. Yes, I had made just the right wardrobe choice.

  Our night ended up being passionate, filled with all the sexy I’d been missing and more. When the sexy ended, the snuggling began. With that, finally, blissfully, came sleep. It was the best night we’d had together in a long time. As we were drifting off, Shane mumbled something I never expected to hear.

  Shane: I want another baby. I’d still like a son. Think we can talk about that...not tonight, but soon?

  me: Umhm.

  A smile. We both fell asleep with a smile.

  As much as I tried to relax, to be calm, I was tense all morning. It was the sense of impending doom, facing the unknown at court, and struggling to try to get everything done before we had to leave. We had another long drive up to leave Kylie with Brynn. Though Shane was unaware of it, in the background, I had been dealing with a lot from Brynn and her boyfriend.

  Brynn: Is Shane coming with you?

  me: Probably. Why?

  Brynn: Well, I think that will be really uncomfortable.

  I took a deep breath. Lately, I had grown really good at speaking my mind. Why stop now?

  me: Listen, not a one of you is in any position to judge. Try and remember that. We have all made mistakes, some are just bigger and more public than others. And every time, I have stood by all of you, tried to keep the peace, and love you through your challenges. I’m asking for the same here. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

  Brynn: You’re right. It’s just...going to take time.

  me: Okay. Well, see you at 12:30pm.

  With that, I went to take a shower and get my writing jobs completed before we had to leave. It seems that no matter how well I plan and prepare, there is always some wrench thrown in the works. It took me longer to complete my assignments than expected. There were more emails to answer, more messages to respond to than normal. Finally, I broke down and asked Shane for help.

  I found him in the study watching a video that was supposed to help him learn to play the guitar. He had found a new hobby. Of course, since he didn’t have a guitar, it seemed like he could turn that off to dress Kylie while I dressed and did my hair and make-up.

  me: Can you dress Kylie? I have her clothes out and everything.

  That’s when he looked at me...and sighed. I think some part of me had been waiting for this...the response he always made in the past. Still, when he was trying so hard to convince me he was this changed man, it didn’t sit well.

  me: Did you just sigh at me? I’m working my ass off while you sit around. Thanks.

  Then I stomped off. I had too much to accomplish to waste time fighting. Soon he had Kylie in his arms and was walking to the bedroom.

  Shane: Okay, Kylie, time to get dressed.

  me: Her clothes are in the living room. I told you that already.

  Shane: Oh. I didn’t hear that part. Why are you still mad?

  me: Because. This is what you always did before when I asked for help. I’m not needy. I’m the most independent self-sufficient woman you’ll ever know. And finally after taking care of everything after getting a mere four hours sleep, I ask you for two minutes worth of help and I get attitude. I don’t need that. And I don’t need you!

  He stood there stunned for a moment.

  Shane: So, you want me to pack up and leave?

  me: No! I want you to help me out once in a while. I want us to be a team again. I’m tired of doing everything. If we’re a team, I shouldn’t have to!

  He nodded at me numbly. I could tell he was trying to find the words to calm me.

  Shane: I just wanted to shave.

  me: I get that, but when I asked for help you weren’t doing anything. Get her dressed, then shave, you have plenty of time. I don’t.

  He left the room with Kylie and I turned my attention to getting ready once more. It was the time I needed to cool down. It was the fight we needed to know that we weren’t walking on eggshells, that we could speak our mind safely...without this life we were rebuilding crumbling around us.

  With his help, I managed to make it out of the house on time. We had a long drive ahead of us. It seemed like the best time to start the discussions we needed to have, start using the marriage coaching we had purchased before his meltdown. When he was carrying Kylie to the car, I had carried the therapy package. Now, seated in the passenger seat and holding the workbook and CDs in my arms, I decided to broach the subject.

  me: I was thinking that we should get working on this. We could start during the drive.

  Shane: Good idea. Let’s do it.

  Opening the workbook on my lap, I looked for the course outline. This would tell us what to do when. So far, he had listened ahead on the CDs, but we hadn’t followed the plan at all. Now, he finally seemed receptive to it. I was, too. Hope is a funny thing. It makes all things seem possible.

  According to the syllabus, we needed to do the workbook pieces then listen to a CD. After explaining it, I started by reading aloud the first exercise. It scared me.

  me: How do I know the person I married is the right one?

  All of our relationship, I had felt like there were lingering feelings for one of his exes, the first ex he friended once we had that fight that changed everything. Now, I would probably know for sure.

  me: So we are supposed to start by talking about the reasons we fell in love.

  Shane: That’s easy. You are smart, funny, kind, great with words, ambitious…

  me: Hmm. I guess that was easy. Want to know why I fell in love with you?

  He nodded and looked at me a split second longer than normal. There was a look in his eyes, a spark, something I was beginning to recognize as happiness.

  me: Well, I loved that we were such a team, right from the start. In my first marriage, I felt like it was me against the world, but from the moment we met and started dating, I felt supported. We always worked so well together.

  Shane: Actually, that’s something I really love about us, too.

  This conversation, the ease with which we were discussing this strengthened my ability to continue.

  me: Also, you have this huge heart, but what is even better is that it is such a secret part of you, that I’m the only one you’ve ever really shared this much with, that I’m the only one who gets the best of you.

  I took a deep breath. We had survived the first exercise.

  me: So the next part is about our past relationships. How many times have we been in love? How long did the love last, not the relationship? And what ended it?

  There was a very brief pause. I guess I felt that since Shane had started first last time that I’d go this time.

  me: Well...I don’t think I was even in love with my ex by the time we married. It was just convenient. And he was fun...until he wasn’t. There was my college boyfriend. We thought we’d be together forever, but he did a study abroad and decided to extend his stay. That ended us. Ummm. And I guess that other than that, there was my high school boyfriend.

  Shane: The guy you lost your virginity to?

  me: Yup. He ended up being too possessive. That ended that.

  I looked at him for a moment.

  me: I guess that’s why it was so easy for me to love you. I had been ready to be in love for so long and you just made it so easy.

  Shane: I can be very charming.

  I laughed...out loud.

  me: That’s not it.

  He looked bewildered.

  Shane: What? I’m not charming? Then why do all my exes want
me back?

  me: The same reasons all your friends want to sleep with me. The ungettable get. Being around you, having you call or text or spend time with you...it feels like winning some medal. That’s why they keep trying.

  Shane: Huh.

  That was the opportune time to bring up all the exes...by name.

  me: I know for a long time you thought you’d end up with Vanna. Were you in love with her?

  Shane: Oh, I was in love with her. I may never get over her.

  My heart sank. It was just what I thought all along.

  Shane: The thing is, I know we can never be together, never be happy in a relationship. She made me miserable. If it had gone on longer, I would have hated her. She was too inconsistent, too flirty. I could never be married to anyone who had slept with my friends. Who wants that, someone knowing what their wife is like? I sure don’t. That’s one of the many reasons I chose you.

  Suddenly my heart started to float. All those broken pieces, they couldn’t be put back together again, but maybe they didn’t have to for us to make it. Maybe the wrecking ball that crashed through our life was supposed to happen. Maybe we were meant to start fresh, build from the ground up. That’s what we seemed to be doing.

  I smiled at him...big and real.

  me: I really do love you.

  Shane: Nina, there’s no one else I could do this with. No one who compliments me so well. There’s no one of all the women I’ve known that I could have married, that I would want to be with forever. Just you. Only you.

  That was what I needed to hear. The next exercise was even easier.

  me: Now we’re supposed to talk about our relationship goals.

  Shane: Simple. We’ve been talking about moving. Your mom needs us closer. I think it’s a sign that we’re supposed to leave, move to Florida. I want you to trust me again. Think you can do that?

  I studied him for a moment. It was an incredibly serious question. In the long run, it wouldn’t matter how much I loved him if there was no trust. Ultimately, that was a big part of the foundation. When we first started dating, I believed that he would never hurt me, never cheat on me, never break the heart that I had so willingly given completely to him.