Small Steps to Great Parenting

by Kalanit Ben-Ari

  What I especially like about this game is that, when it’s part of the family routine, we all look for positive things during the day to mention later, which means we increase our awareness for appreciation. It’s also a great way to encourage effort, rather than results. It acknowledges that your child might work really hard during a tennis game and still lose.

  Celebrating their effort and hard work builds a positive self-image and encourages them to work harder. Another great way to end a day!

  Find the pride inside

  If you’re keen to reduce your children’s need for your approval, teach them how to locate their ‘inner pride’. When they do something and run to you for approval, wait with the ‘Well done!’ and instead reflect on their achievement:

  ‘You jumped from the third step!’

  Then ask them how it made them feel. If your child is too young to express how they feel, or seems overwhelmed by the question, you can add:

  ‘I bet you’re very proud of yourself!’

  It’s really that simple!

  Encouragement versus praise

  Encouragement, which was discussed in Chapter 6, differs from praise in that it can be given regardless of the outcome and allows children to develop pride in themselves, rather than depending on praise from their parents. Encouragement fosters a positive self-image, which in turn allows them to continue to improve and grow in confidence as they develop better and better skills. Negative feedback can easily discourage them, but positivity always delivers results.

  Praise based on results sounds like:

  ‘Well done, you put the top on the right way.’

  Encouragement sounds like:

  ‘It’s tricky to get dressed on your own. I like it when you try to do it by yourself.’

  Praise based on results sounds like:

  ‘Wow! This is the best school report you’ve had!’

  Or for a less good report:

  ‘Maybe next time you need to study harder so that you will have good results.’

  Encouragement sounds like:

  ‘I bet you feel proud receiving such a report after you worked so hard this term’ or (for a less good report) ‘You studied very hard this term. It can be very disappointing not to have the result you wanted.’

  Delete the brackets

  When I present couples with an ‘appreciation exercise’, they think it’s easy. They say things like ‘I really appreciate that you weren’t angry yesterday’ or ‘I appreciate that you didn’t put pressure on me yesterday to be at home on time’ or ‘I appreciate you didn’t criticise my sister yesterday like you’ve done before’.

  However, this is not positive appreciation. Appreciation should be totally positive, without any mention of ‘no’ or ‘not’ or any comparison to a previous experience. The same is true with children. The examples below show (in brackets) which part should be deleted:

  ‘You really helped me this morning by being ready on time and doing everything all by yourself (without fighting with me).’

  ‘It’s nice to see how you cared for your sister today (not hitting her like you did yesterday).’

  Appreciation should be clean and positive.

  Mindsets for growth

  A growth mindset is seen in people who believe their abilities can grow, who think it doesn’t matter who you are, you can get smarter. Working really hard makes them feel good and capable of improving. Their inner voice says ‘If it gets harder, I can work harder/come up with a strategy or focus more’. A fixed mindset is seen in people who believe they have only a limited amount of a quality and ‘that’s it’, so their inner voice says ‘I’m not intelligent/not so smart and I cannot change it’. The question is, how do we orient our children to the growth mindset?

  Dr Carol Dweck is a leading researcher of the growth mindset. In a series of famous studies she presented children aged nine or ten with four sets of puzzles. The first set was easy, and at the end of the task, the ‘instructor’ praised the children:

  The first group was told ‘You did really well! You must be really smart’ and the second group was told ‘You did really well! You must try really hard’.Then the children were given a second set of puzzles, which were much harder and they might struggle with. The idea was to see what happened to their confidence and motivation and whether there was any difference between the groups getting different words of praise.

  The first group (praised for intelligence) generally thought they were not smart or not good at the second task – a very discouraging belief relating to a fixed mindset. The second group (praised for effort) saw the second set of puzzles as an opportunity to learn from the challenge – a growth mindset.Then there was a third task. The children were allowed to choose whether they wanted another easy set of puzzles or more challenging ones.

  Among the first group (praised for intelligence) a third chose the tough task, but two-thirds didn’t want to risk losing their ‘smart’ label. Among the second group (praised for effort) nine tenths chose the tough task. They wanted to prove just how hard working they were.Then, the experiment came full circle. The children were given the chance to do yet another task, as easy as the first one.

  The first group (praised for intelligence) performed less well (20% worse) than they did in the first easy task, even though it was no harder. The second group (praised for effort) were 30% better. Their failure in the more challenging tasks had actually spurred them on.All these differences between the two groups of children were brought about by six simple words spoken after the first test. As Dweck concluded: ‘Praising children’s intelligence harms motivation and it harms performance’. What can we take from this?

  Children need to experience the process of making mistakes and failing, then bouncing back and recovering. As they grow, they’ll be much better at facing challenges.

  Children are sensitive to our judgements and values. All praise words sound like confidence-boosters, but they are not!

  We should teach children to see challenges as learning opportunities rather than threats, so they see them as an opportunity and a place they can learn from.

  Their achievement or yours?

  Sometimes I hear parents express great excitement over their child’s achievement but it can be difficult to distinguish whose feelings they are!

  A parent excitedly said to me in front of her child ‘You wouldn’t believe what a great school report he brought to me. I was so proud that it made my day. I was in heaven’.

  Another told me he said to his son, after watching his school concert ‘Wow, what a great guitar performance. It was amazing. After I worked so hard with you, I can see the results. You made me very happy today’.

  What’s wrong with these words?

  They emphasises the parent’s effort or feelings of accomplishment – not the child’s. I remind parents like this that it’s their child’s report, their child’s concert – their child’s achievement. I remind them to ask the child how they feel about their achievement, and pay less attention to the result; this will avoid discouraging them, increasing their dependency, and reducing their self-confidence. No-one wants children to need us as the source of approval for everything – we want them to have it within themselves and to follow their own directions.

  The next time you are over-excited about something your child has done, remember that you don’t want it to become your moment, or about your feelings. It is your child’s moment to shine and you shouldn’t take that away from them. How can you tell when you aren’t doing it right? Because your sentences will be about you and your feelings. Your excitement will exceed your children’s. Your focus will be on how hard you worked for them to achieve this. You will not be asking your children about their feelings.

  Finally, make sure that your pleasure doesn’t swamp theirs. The excitement should be theirs – it isn’t all about us.

  Abilities are develo
ped

  When a child tries to master a new skill, it’s very easy to take on the belief ‘I can’t do it!’ Helping children understand that their abilities can be developed and transformed is important. There are several ways to do this. You can talk about the progress they made from a previous time:

  ‘Do you remember how tricky it was for you to find the right shoe for each foot? Now you know how to do that! Now think about the direction you need to close the shoe strap.’

  You can also mention your own process of mastering a particular skill. Another idea is something I’ve heard in some schools, where they have a no ‘fail’ result in tests; instead they have a ‘not yet’ result, which means the child is in the process of learning – allowing growth without the label of failure, emphasising the development and belief in the transformation of abilities. In one of my daughter’s schools, a particular teacher banned the words ‘I can’t’. The children were not allowed to say it. She offered them an alternative: ‘I practise and practise and practise until I can do it’. When my daughter asked my husband something, he said ‘I can’t’ (because he was busy) and she responded ‘You’re not allowed to say those words’.

  Don’t say it if you don’t believe it!

  Rachel came to see me about her teenage daughter, Claire. Rachel wanted to improve her relationship with Claire and was finding it difficult. There was a lack of trust, and she felt there was nothing she hadn’t tried. She said she used positive language and praise, even in challenging situations. Now, Claire loved to sing. She sang a lot and had a strong voice, but Rachel thought her singing was awful – out of tune, too loud, like ‘one long scream’. Rachel didn’t want to hurt Claire’s feelings, but found the singing hard to endure for hour after hour at home. So she told Claire: ‘You have a lovely voice, and it’s wonderful that you like to sing, but can you sing in your room because your baby brother is sleeping now and it’s too much’.

  She wanted to strengthen feelings of trust and honesty, but by saying that she didn’t express her need and projected it onto the brother; this will only increase sibling rivalry. How could Rachel praise Claire’s practising of singing, and also take into account Rachel’s needs – to be honest without upsetting Claire? You might recall that the best praise is observation – without opinion or judgment – but you can include your needs. So it could be something like this:

  ‘I see you love to practise your singing, which is wonderful. When I’m at home I sometimes need quiet and space. Do you think you can practise in your room today?’

  What you say is not what they hear

  Parents believe that when they say to their child ‘You are clever’ or ‘You are beautiful’ or ‘You are honest’ and so on, that they’re building their self-confidence. Unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Children and adults hear things differently.

  Tomas, a father of two, once told me he didn’t understand why his son didn’t feel clever. He thought his son was very clever and he told him so – a lot. I asked Tomas whether his parents thought he had been clever as a child to which he replied ‘Yes, they told me all the time’. Then I asked ‘And when they did that, did you feel clever?’. He said, blushing ‘Actually, no. I still don’t think I’m clever’. Here was a very wise and capable man who didn’t believe he was clever, even though his parents made sure they told him how clever he was.

  What’s the problem here? The problem is that when a parent says ‘You’re clever’, the child thinks ‘I’m stupid’.

  This might sound surprising, but when children hear words like this they automatically think about all the reasons they do not feel or experience that they were clever.

  The trick is not to praise a personality trait, but to describe a specific situation. You want your children to hear what you say – and translate it in their minds into praise. Take the following example:

  ‘Oh wow! That was a difficult quiz and I see you finished it!’

  From words like this, children can conclude ‘If it was challenging and I did it, it probably means I am capable!’.

  Roz, a mother of three, used this suggestion with her middle son, who was extremely shy, when he sang a song at a karaoke party. She told him afterwards:

  ‘Wow! It takes lots of courage to go up on stage and sing. I really enjoyed your voice’.

  Can you see the difference between this statement and one like: ‘Your song was the best!’?

  Praise patience

  Another scenario. You’re queueing at a supermarket checkout and your child gets fidgety and starts complaining and wants to go home. You respond calmly several times, but he gets more demanding and louder. What do you say? What do you do? In the past, when children were not at the centre of the family, they developed patience. In most cases, they knew they had to wait for attention, for their turn in a game or in a queue. Now, they are at the centre of the family, with parents who are often so concerned about their feelings that they fulfil any request instantly. These are the sort of things I’ve seen:

  Two parents talking outside the school: the child comes up, stands between them, tries to say something, and his parent stops the conversation to answer immediately.

  A parent having a coffee break or talking on the phone: the child interrupts them with a request and they stop talking and do as requested.

  A child asks for water: the parent runs to get some.

  A child not wanting to eat: the family sits down to eat and he doesn’t join them.

  A child not wanting to wait for her birthday to get something she wants: her parents go and buy it for her rather than make her wait.Parents are now so concerned about their children’s feelings of frustration that they act well before there’s any sign of negative feelings. By doing this, they are training their children not to be patient! Having patience is a crucial part of childhood and adulthood, so what positive steps can you take here? Simply notice when and where your child shows patience and say something about it:

  ‘You waited very patiently for your turn in the game.’

  ‘Thank you for waiting with your homework question until I finished my bath.’

  ‘Ah! Here’s the waitress with your food. You have a lot of patience waiting for that! I’m really impressed.’

  When this is what you notice, this is what’s going to grow in your child. Now back to the supermarket checkout. There are many options for how to react. One is to comment on what you want – not only what you see. You might see that your child loses patience, but until that point he had done his best. So say something like:

  ‘You have a lot of patience. You helped me with all the shopping, and waited with me here for so long! What a lot of patience! We still have another two people in front of us, so do you want to play ‘I spy with my little eye’ in the meantime?’

  Thus you praise what you want to have more of, and provide an alternative to their behaviour.

  In place of praise or judgement

  This is from the Connected Parent, Thriving Children programme developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt:

  ‘It is invaluable to learn and perfect neutral observation – mirroring – in place of praise or evaluation of any kind. This is a reflection of what you see your child doing or hear them saying. We want to notice, and to let the children know we are attuned to them. Praising can diminish the supportive effects of mirroring. If we tell the child she is doing a “great job”, or that he is “a good boy”, we risk setting them up for expecting praise and learning to seek that in place of following their own inner direction. It also sets up the perception of being “bad”, or doing a “bad job”, when a child isn’t meeting the expectations a parent has set.

  ‘I remember speaking about how to praise in one of my parenting classes. To put their learning into practise, I asked each parent to create whatever they wanted from some basic arts and crafts materials. Each parent had to say something about the art of the parent next to them, describing what they saw and how i
t made them feel (based on the principle of eliminating judgement and criticism). One parent said to the parent next to her: “I’m happy to practise with you, as your design is the most creative. The way you work with the blue and red material is very creative and the shape makes me smile”.’

  What do you think about that? It sounded like it met the criteria, but something didn’t feel right to me. After a moment I understood. Read the first statement again. Although it was positive, it involved judgement – the word ‘most’, a comparison. And when we compare, we judge.

  Here is a simple alternative that is clean and encouraging:

  ‘I can see the creative thinking behind your work. The way you used the blue and red … ’

  CHAPTER 9:

  BEYOND PLAY: CREATING CONFIDENCE

  Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

  - Robert Brault

  In this chapter you will find tips on how to develop a child’s confidence, independence and well-being through play and everyday tasks.

  Free time is golden

  With our over-pressured culture, children ‘need’ to learn how to read, write, play an instrument, swim, ride a bike, and excel in ballet and football all by the age of five! Their ‘free time’ is over-scheduled. You need to make sure your child has enough time to be a child. Give them plenty of time and encouragement for imaginary, independent play or free play with their brothers, sisters, cousins and friends. It really helps children to learn and develop.