The role of routine?
For babies and through childhood, a routine creates expectations and a sense of control, which helps children to contain and cope with the uncertainties of life.
Most of a child’s life is out of their control, which creates anxiety. But having a healthy routine, helps them retain a sense of control. They know what to expect and when to expect it, and this provides a great deal of comfort and safety. You experience this when you take a newborn on holiday with you. Although they’re very young, they react to the changes in smell, temperature, even texture of the sheets, because they are out of their routine. And this creates stress, which means that they need comforting and reassurance before they can sleep. If you do need to take a baby or child out of their routine, be prepared (this is addressed in the next tip).
There can be exceptions. You might relax the bedtime routine or specific diet on holidays, or allow for treats and indulgences that are not usually in the family routine, when spending time with grandparents, for example, and on special occasions.
Have space for fun
‘He doesn’t listen! He is so challenging, I find that I don’t like to be with him any more,’ said an honest and frustrated Gabriela about her middle son. I hear this often (and more so regarding middle children). Thus starts a spiral of negative actions and reactions, full of tension and negativity. So I asked: ‘When was the last time you had fun together?’
It’s important to have a routine of fun in the family. Some people like cooking together, others dancing. Some like to do silly things like making faces or acting, and others find the fun in art or outdoor activities.
Whatever it is, make sure you include it in your routine. The ideal option will be to combine the obligatory routine with fun. Here are some ideas that you might be able to use:
Brushing teeth in a ‘game’ style.
Cooking a healthy meal together.
Getting dressed while dancing.
Tidying up toys for a game.
Finding pairs of socks in the laundry basket.Just think creatively and make sure you have a routine for fun during your day.
Routine breaks
Before instigating a change of routine, if you’re all going away, for example, talk to your children and explain what’s going on – even to babies. Babies understand your energy even before they understand your words, and talking to them is in itself a great habit because it develops their language and understanding of the world.
When you speak with children about what has happened, and what’s going to happen, life sounds logical and reasonable, and makes more sense. Your voice and touch are a great source of safety at holiday times. There’s a lot in the connection created beyond words.
Consider taking their sheets with you, a special teddy or ‘attached’ object, a favourite food or something you believe will help them settle. Whenever possible, and especially at the start of the holiday, try to keep babies routines similar to home. It will help them hold within all the other changes around them. Also use every opportunity to talk about the differences they notice.
The good of the gong
When listening to Thich Nhat Hanh, the famous Zen Buddhist monk from Vietnam, talking about mindfulness, there was a dong sound from a gong. He explained that whenever it sounds, everyone stops whatever they are doing to take three mindful breaths. It means stopping what you are doing and being in that moment. It means noticing your breath, your body movement, your heartbeat, and telling yourself and noticing that you are inhaling and exhaling, and connecting with your body.
When one does this enough times it becomes a habit: Dong = notice three breaths.
What a great habit to have at home!
Why not buy a gong or use a different instrument (wooden spoon on a pan!) to create this effect at home? Explain to your children that when someone sounds the gong, everyone stops whatever they are doing to breathe mindfully three times.
Don’t use this only to quieten your child, but randomly throughout the day. Sound it also when you feel triggered by your child – not for your child, but for you!
After three deep breaths you will react differently. It brings peace within.
Change your role
Having a routine doesn’t mean that you need to be the policeman. You are the family coach, guiding them with peace and empowerment. Imagine that between your children and yourself there is a space of energy waves. When you try to lead your children to be ready for school or to go to sleep, how do you imagine these energies in the space between you? Do the waves slap together? Is there a vacuum between them? Are they facing the same direction or each one against the other?
Your task is to change the direction of your own energy wave so that it goes alongside your children’s. This way you are together facing the task ahead.
For the next few days, make a diary of what you say to encourage your child with routine tasks. Then read it out loud. Are you the ‘policeman’ at home?
Bedtime – trick or a treat?
Children are masters at stretching time before going to sleep. They want a drink. They are hungry. They need the toilet again. Every parent is familiar with this. I’ve also heard parents describe the situation where their shy child suddenly wants to talk and talk about what happened at school, or their feelings or fears. Possibly another way to delay not going to sleep?
However, it’s not that different for adults – the day’s worries, anxieties and concerns often spring to mind the moment our heads touch a pillow! It’s as if the entire nervous system relaxes and all the worries from past, present and future are allowed to flow through.
Children are the same. They need intimate time with their parents before going to sleep to communicate whatever might be preoccupying them. It helps them regulate their emotions and prepare themselves for a good night’s sleep.
Bedtime is a time to feel connected, where separation is marked by a hug and tucking in – regardless of their age. You can set your own time-frame for each child before they go to sleep, maybe a story and five or ten minutes of talking before tucking in. If you feel this stretches it out too much, why not start the bedtime routine half an hour earlier, so that you don’t need to rush?
Making the most of mealtimes
Getting together for daily (even weekly!) family mealtimes are far less common these days – which is very unfortunate. When there is an opportunity to eat together, parents often make the mistake of commenting more about their children’s eating habits than anything else.
Family mealtime is an opportunity to share things – at any age. In my family, we share about our day, we plan for the day or weekend ahead, we talk about interesting things we’ve read or heard, share our thoughts, feelings and opinions about specific topics, or tell jokes.
Mealtimes are not the time to educate or comment about why children don’t eat this or that. If you must comment on their eating habits, minimise it so that it isn’t the focus of your time together. Comments such as ‘I like it when you try new food’ or ‘It’s important for your body to eat healthy food. I hope you’ll find something you want to try today’ are more encouraging than ‘Why do you always only …’ or ‘You need to finish what’s on your plate whether you like it or not’.
Remember that when the pressure to eat is lower, there is a higher chance that they will eat!
If you choose to talk about the food itself, encourage tasting (with repeated experiences children’s palette become accustomed to different tastes) as well as conversation about the food, such as:
‘Does it feel crunchy or smooth?’
‘What do you think is in the sauce that made this taste?’
‘Do you like raw carrots or cooked ones?’
‘Which other food becomes soft when cooked? Which ones become harder?’
CHAPTER 15:
SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.Sam Le
venson
Your parents leave you too soon and your kids and spouse come along late, but your siblings know you when you are in your most inchoate form. Jeffrey Kluger
Here you can find few tips about how to promote caring and positive sibling relationships, including sensitivity and empathy toward each other and a sense of team spirit.
Play with positioning
Try to use play-date time to expand your child’s experience with regards to their position in the family. For example, make sure that older children have an opportunity to play with children who are even older than them, and younger children get play with children who are younger than them. This will expand their experience at home by providing opportunities to both learn from and lead others, respectively. What about the middle one (which in a more positive way we call the ‘centred’ child)? Aha! They need a play date solely with you!
One at a time
Research shows that fifteen or twenty minutes of one-to-one time that parents spend with each child every day significantly reduces sibling rivalry and aggression. If you are like many of the parents in my groups, you will think ‘How can I find time to do that?!’
The trick is to use everyday tasks at home to involve one child at a time. You need to buy something from the supermarket? Take one of them. You want to walk around the block for some fresh air? Take a child for company. You’re preparing dinner? Invite one of them to help you cook.
If the day passed by very quickly and you didn’t get a chance for one-to-one time, decide that today they will have separate bath times instead of bathing them altogether. This way they don’t need to fight constantly for your attention.
Celebrate siblings
Teach your children to create special moments for each other. Encourage them to make cards, wrap old games as presents, create arts and crafts for each other, or buy small gifts from their pocket money for birthdays and special occasions (a new school, finishing exams), or for no special reason.
You can also print out photos for them of them having fun or special moments together. They can create arts and crafts with them or an album to remember. Hanging a collage of sibling photos in a visible place at home will also keep reminding them of special moments together.
Beyond compare
When we see a field of flowers we don’t judge how some grow faster than others or are turned in a different direction. We notice their beauty. With children we assume they all grow at the same pace and be turned in the same direction. Instead we could choose to see the beauty of children just as they are
—Unknown source
Praise and encourage your children only in comparison to their own achievements, not to those of other family members. For example, say: ‘Wow! Today you walked from home to the supermarket! Well done!’ rather than ‘Wow! Today you walked from home to the supermarket like your sister!’
As Amy, a mother of three, said in one parenting class: ‘You never forget moments when you were compared to others!’
This is so true.
Children become adults who still remember (and some still act out) the pain of being compared. If you think about it, they are being compared to others all day long at school, in afterschool clubs, with their extended family and when playing with friends.
Your home is the only place that values them for who they are – without comparing to others. One of your children might not do as well academically as you or your other children, but may have a special talent for art; they may not be athletic, but brilliant at chess.
Let your children feel special by identifying and acknowledging their unique achievements and progress with respect to themselves.
Feelings of fairness
When your child protests ‘It’s not fair’ many parents reply ‘Life’s not fair’. This message is lost on them and it denies their feelings. There’s also a big chance it will be interpreted as ‘Mum and dad are not fair!’
Sometimes when children complain about fairness, what they are really asking for is a compliment, a moment of devoted attention, or some kind of validation of their frustration.
Listen to the feelings behind the words. And acknowledge them.
For example, when a younger child says ‘It is not fair Mia can go for a sleepover and I can’t’. You can say:
‘I hear that you’re angry because you can’t go for a sleepover yet. Mmm. I can understand that. In our house sleepovers are from the age of six years old. I’m sure you’d like to be six now.’
When children hear that there is a reason behind a decision, and it’s given alongside validation about their feelings, they find it much easier to regulate their emotions.
Team teaching
Your child asks for help. Don’t rush in to the rescue! If one of their siblings has the skills, refer the request to them.
Older children can help with zipping up coats or tying shoe laces, and this strengthens their important role in the family.
The younger ones also have many skills that can and should be used.
My little one, for example, found all sorts of things that we’d lost or misplaced at home once she’d learned how to crawl. She also helps us when we are in a hurry by bringing each family member their shoes.
Find what your younger ones do best and remember to refer siblings to them as well!
By doing this, you’re not only teaching them the value of working together and using sibling resources for help and comfort, but you are also building teamwork and bonding experiences that will continue well into the future.
Be a coach (not a referee)
The ‘hat’ I wear as a couples’ therapist and a mother is very similar. In both roles, the focus is on the relationship and not on the individuals. My client is not either partner, but the space between them. In the therapeutic process, I’m not the judge. I’m not taking sides, but serve to validate each point of view, trying to move the couple from a reactive mode to consciousness, connection, empathy and growth.
It’s the same in your role as a parent to more than one child. Keep your focus on the relationship between your children, coaching them to resolve issues in appropriate ways.
How do you do that? If they argue, give them some time out to cool down (especially in heated situations), then sit with them and hear both sides. Validate both experiences by saying something like:
‘I hear that you, Amy, feel very angry because Anna borrowed your top again. And I hear that you, Anna, are very surprised because you feel you give Amy many of your clothes.’
Then coach them to find a solution, rather than telling them who is right and who is wrong or how to fix the situation. In other words, teach them to solve their own conflicts in a healthy way. What better gift can you give your children?
Avoid the blame game
When your children have a conflict or fight with a sibling or a friend, avoid name-calling or passing judgement.
Instead, say what you see in the context of the ‘house rules’. For example, instead of ‘Jonathan, why did you hit your brother?’ say:
‘I see two children fighting. In our family we don’t hit. If you’re angry, say it with words.’
Instead of ‘Rona, why did you take all the bread for yourself?’ say:
‘I see no bread left on the table. In our family we share food.’
Likewise, when one blames the other for something, say:
‘In our family we don’t blame each other.’
Just be aware of your own words next time your partner breaks a cup ... and remind yourself that in your family you don’t blame others.
Cultivate caring
Express with words the value of siblings working together.
‘Look how your sister helps you put on your shoes. She cares about you.’
‘Your sister copies you. She wants to be exactly like you when she is big! That’s how much she loves you!’
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br /> When they work together, praise them collectively, rather than individually. For example:
‘You worked so well together to set the table and clear it up, now we have time to go to the park.’
Remember that when your words reflect what you see (rather than personality traits or outcomes), you add another dimension to their caring behaviour towards each other.
How the sun shines
Parents say that when their child asks ‘Who do you love more, me or my sister?’ they say ‘I love you both the same’ or ‘I love you exactly as much as I love her’.
But what they really want to know is not who you love more, but that they are loved in a unique way. Express your unique love by saying:
‘I love you both in very special ways.’
‘You are the one and only you in my life and no-one will ever take your place.’
You can also mention the specific quality of that child, as in:
‘You are my oldest, you made me a mum. No one else can be my oldest!’
My oldest one loves this and whenever she feels less appreciated she reminds me of it. I once heard a metaphor that a parent’s love is like the sun. Sharing the sun does not mean that each one gets less, and a parent’s love shines on their children just like the sun.
Remember, your children do not really want you to say who you love more. They are asking how you feel about them!
Small Steps to Great Parenting Page 14