The power of working together
Imagine that you are riding a two-horse carriage to get home from a long day at work. You enjoy the view, the breeze, the moment. In the middle of the journey, one horse keeps pushing forwards while the other is pulling backwards. What happens to you? You are stuck! Do you still enjoy the moment as before? No. You are probably frustrated, angry and confused, and just want to keep moving to get home.
We, the parents, are not the rider in this story. We are the horses. When we don’t work together as parents, our children’s emotional development can get stuck. They can’t enjoy the view of their childhood because they’re stuck with two horses that pull in different directions. It is a lot of emotional stress on your children when parents are locked in a power struggle.
In contrast, the power of two horses who ride in the same direction is greater than the sum of the two riding separately. The sum is greater than its parts when you work as co-parents as well.
How to navigate a dead end
To agree to disagree and to arrange another dialogue after some thinking time and create a different energy can be very beneficial. When couples disagree, unconsciously their anxiety is raised. Slowing the process down, enabling yourselves to reflect, bring different perspectives, trying to understand your partner’s point of view, and keeping an open dialogue, will help to reduce that anxiety. Only then will you two be able to reach decisions that suit your family.
One step forward might be to understand that your partner loves, cares and feel responsible for your children as much as you do. They just have a different perspective on how to take care of them. What happens is that when one tries to express their view and it is not received, they become more extreme in their reaction. Slowly the couple dynamic becomes a power struggle, often something like ‘good cop–bad cop’, where one parent has strong boundaries and one doesn’t set limits. However, when you see things from your partner’s point of view, it is easier to talk about the challenges you face together rather than engage with the critical, shaming, blaming game.
In fact, you probably complement each other. One of you brings more feelings and the other more rationality. When you see such differences as a strength – bringing together two different perspectives – you are a winning team and your children will gain from it.
In the unfortunate case of repeated conflict without resolution, it is advisable to turn to a relationship counsellor or parenting advisor.
“But I’m right!”
Here’s another saying for you: ‘You can be right – or you can be in relationship!’.
If, because you feel you are ‘right,’ you dismiss, control or argue with your partner day in–day out, I can tell you that you are wrong. My mother says, ‘You need to be smart – not right.’ Keeping an open dialogue with your partner, especially when you disagree, creates a healthy foundation for your children and models the idea that where there are differences of opinion things can be negotiated. Telling your partners that what they’re doing is wrong all the time just raises their defences. When they don’t feel good about themselves, don’t expect to be appreciated yourself.
Instead, try to empower each other. Listen carefully to your partner’s complaints. Behind any criticism and blaming will be a clue for the change that needs to happen. Interestingly, when one partner starts to work on themselves, the whole system changes. Although you both need to change to be able to work together, you can be the first one. Start by telling your partner all the things you appreciate about the way they parent your child.
You are both right!
We recently booked a family holiday to Thailand. My husband and I had visited during our single days, so we wanted to prepare our girls for the different culture. A few weekends before the trip, I told them that ‘Sawadicha’ is how you say ‘hello’ in Thai. My husband heard that and corrected me to ‘Sawadiklap.’ I replied with ‘No, no! I definitely remember Sawadicha!’ Although my husband agreed with me that I have an excellent memory, he insisted that in this case he remembered correctly. We left it at that.
On the next weekend, while organising a training weekend for therapists, I met a therapist who is half English and half Thai. During the break, I rushed to her saying, ‘You can resolve a conflict I have with my husband!’ After hearing about our disagreement, she smiled and simply said, ‘You are both right. If you are a woman, you say Sawadicha. If you are a man you say Sawadiklap.’ How enlightening!
Although theoretically I know couples can both be right, when I feel ‘right,’ there is not space in my mind for this possibility. It is even more than that, because (if you’re like me) when I thought I was right, the possibility of both of us being right was simply not an option! That evening, I shared the story with the family. My older daughter said, ‘So you were both right!’. Yes, we were. And you, with whatever disagreement you may experience, might both be right too.
Build on couple strengths
In which area of your couple relationship do you feel that you work best as a team? Some couples work together really well around finance, others around planning family holidays, others with intimacy and sex. Whatever it is, think together what makes it work in that specific area.
How can you bring the same spirit and quality of teamwork to your parenting style?
What small step can you take this week that will help you parent together as a team?Share this with your partner. Expect nothing from him or her, just share your journey and do what you need to do. As one of my mentors says ‘Feel the feelings and do the right thing.’ Behaviours speak louder than words.
More than one model
Remember from the Introduction to Part Two how you brought to your parenting style your ‘baggage’, with a specific ‘model’ of how to parent. Now, add to that your partner’s ‘baggage’ and his or her ‘model’. What have you got? Two systems in which you act in your own family. If the two systems are similar (let’s say you both believe in healthy boundaries for children), you are less likely to experience tension around discipline. If, on the other hand, you hold two different systems – one of you believes in authoritative parenting and the other in a more relaxed and free style – then you are more likely to experience tension around your children. The key is to be curious. Make time for the two of you to explore these questions:
With which model or system did you come to this relationship?
How did each of your parents work together, or not, as parents?
How did it feel for you as a child?
What do you remember from conflicted events?Then, considering both the positive and negative experiences from your childhoods, think about the ‘model’ you want to pass on to your children. Don’t leave it with general statements – make your vision specific!
If you were to be filmed when you and your partner are experiencing tension, would your behaviour in line with your values?
What positive behaviour might we see in the film?
What do you say? Do? And how do you do it?Finally, how do you think your child will react to the positive change in the short term and the long term?
We “need” versus we “must”
The best security blanket a child can have is parents who respect each other
- Jane Blaustone
I cannot stress enough how important it is to be on the same page when co-parenting. This is why I encourage parents to come together for the first session with me, so I can hear both of their valuable and equal perspectives. It also provides the opportunity to start the change process on the same page. When you let issues with children divide you, everyone loses – you, your partner, but mostly your children. Try to see things from your child’s perspective. Think about the last time there was tension between you and your partner in front of your child.
What did your child understand from your body language, from your attitude and the way you handled the conflict?
What would you like them to experience in
such moments?
How can you express yourself in a way that will achieve that?We may say to ourselves ‘We need to work together – we will try’ but if you aren’t happy with what your child experiences when you and your partner disagree, this is not enough. When we say ‘We must work together’ we will find a way to achieve that. No other option here.
Reading the right team sheet
Some parents start to explain a challenge in their co-parenting by saying ‘We … and they …’. I have learned to ask ‘Who is we?’ Very often the we stands for the parent I’m talking with, and the child, whereas the they stands for the other parent. There is a sense of ‘us’ versus ‘them’.
In other cases, I hear about parents who want to be their children’s best friends. Your child can and should make their own friends. They don’t need you as friends. They need you as parents: parents who reach decisions together; parents who work as a team – a team that knows how to work through differences with respect and love. And if the disagreement is about a sensitive issue, or loaded with emotional baggage, then keep it behind closed doors.
Never use your children in a conflict, especially by blaming, criticising or shaming the other parent. You and your partner are on the same team with the same goals. It’s important for your children to experience that. Your children cannot feel loved if they are in the middle of parental tension, and very often they will try to find ways to take advantage of the split between you.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
When a challenge in the relationship you have with your children occurs, it’s important to see the Big Picture. Treating ‘the problem’ in isolation, without addressing the whole dynamic in the family, will lead to little improvement.
Furthermore, many of the issues parents present in my clinic are behaviours that they themselves, consciously or unconsciously, implanted in their children.
So creating a real and stable change requires self-reflection, awareness, energy and new skills and understanding to recognise that challenge represents a growth opportunity for your children, you and your relationship.
Your children look at you, but they don’t see only you. In your eyes, they see their own reflection as well. They see what you see in them and what you think about them. By looking at you, they also have a sense of their capacity to cope with a challenge, and their strengths and weaknesses, and your belief in them.
They also look at you and learn what is important in life. How you are with your partner, parents, siblings and friends. How you are as a person. They are scanning your ‘way of being’.
Do you have your own goals in life or is all your happiness on their shoulders?
Are you appreciating small things in life, or inclined to complain about things?
Are you taking responsibility or being the ‘victim’ of situations and people?
Are you creating your own moments of happiness or depending on the happiness of others?
Do you learn from and forgive yourself for mistakes or treat yourself harshly with guilt and shame?They’re making notes. Be the person you want them to be when they grow up.
With the conflicting advice they get, today’s parents risk losing touch with what is important. It’s not the overbooked activities or academic pressure that will make your child a better person.
It’s not the stickers, screen time or time-outs that will teach them your key values. It’s through encouragement, having healthy boundaries, good modelling, belief in your children, placing appropriate responsibilities on their shoulders and letting them experience a positive, stable and consistent, reliable connection with you, that will make the difference.
Your actions today, as a parent and a partner, shape the person they will be tomorrow and in the years to come. You want them to show their best selves. So show your best self now and use the challenge you are facing as an opportunity for growth and healing.
Who knows, in the years to come you might, as Freud said, look back and remember this time as the most beautiful one of all.
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Small Steps to Great Parenting Page 16