And I have the answer to it all.
If I never move again, if I just stay in this very spot,
Friends won’t forsake me,
Love can’t deny me, and family disappointments won’t even matter.
Now I smile, until the fear of dying alone sets in -
And I ache once more.
Nina Lewis
She set down the pen and paper, slowly peeled back the rumpled covers, and got out of bed. A piercing pain shot through her. She crumpled over and sucked in her breath until the pain subsided.
She stood in front of the mirror and grimaced. Nina had always taken great pride in keeping her hair cut and styled just right. Nina’s hairstyle normally accented her caramel skin and brought emphasis to her high cheekbones. But today, as her hair lay matted to her head, those same cheekbones made her look like a hungry Cambodian refugee.
She dutifully took her shower and put those same scraggly old plaid pajamas back on. She then took her regular spot on the couch in front of the television, which she rarely turned on.
Every once in a while, as if she could feel the presence of her hunter, she would get off the couch, creep real easy over to the window, and peek out of the red-velvet curtains. This morning, on her third trip to the window, Sheila and Lisa walked into the living room.
“Girl, you missed your calling. You should be a detective, acting like I spy and carrying on,” Sheila said.
“Take it from me, that man ain’t thinking ‘bout you. He’s off playing footsy with some other woman. One that isn’t stupid enough to get herself knocked up.” Lisa rubbed her protruding belly. “I mean, look at me. I’m six months pregnant and haven’t heard word one from a single guy I slept with. They’re all just in it for the fun.”
“They’re probably drawing straws, trying to see who’s going to get the short end of the stick. Someone will be around, just give ’em time,” Sheila told her with a smirk.
“Shut up, Sheila, at least none of the guys I slept with are in jail. Once I have a blood test done, I’ll be able to collect child support. What you gon’ collect from a bum in jail, huh?”
Sheila started bobbing her head back and forth. She was eight months pregnant and huge. She could barely move without wobbling, but she could bob that head. “You keep your mouth off my man. He loves his family, and we’re going to be together. My man takes care of…”
“Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but I really wanted to be by myself. Do you two think you could find somewhere else to hold this conversation?”
Sheila wobbled around to face Nina. “Look here, Queen Bee, this living room is community property, so if you want to be alone, go somewhere else. We’re getting ready to watch TV.”
Nina got up and walked out the room. Arguing with those two just wasn’t worth it. Hopefully the deck was quiet and empty so she could sit and think. It was cool out this morning. Nina pulled her sleeves over her hands as she walked over to the edge of the deck. She looked up at the sky. She wanted to ask God what she should do, but she felt a little silly. She wasn’t really sure if there was a God in the sky. If God truly exists, would He have allowed her birth mother to give her up for adoption? Would He have allowed her adoptive parents to both be killed in a senseless traffic accident? “Why does everybody leave me?” She looked down at the plaid pajama top that covered her ever-fattening belly. Nina was glad she hadn’t gone through with that abortion. Not this time.
No one was ever going to rip life out of her body again. Walking into that abortion clinic brought all the memories back to when she was only seventeen years old. Her first love, Dwayne, might as well have been standing in that clinic telling her she was too young to be stuck with some snot nose brat.
“What about your dream of going to college and making something of yourself?” he asked her.
At the time, Nina thought Dwayne made good sense. After all, it wasn’t a baby, yet. It was just a mistake. Dwayne convinced her, “When you make a mistake, you erase it,” he said. So that’s what they did. But no one told her how empty and heart broken she would feel. No one told her that she would lie awake at night consumed by guilt. Eight years later she still thought about her baby. Still mourned its murder.
She gently touched her stomach. “Five months to go.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “I can’t wait to see your face.” Her voice broke as more tears came. “I know I’ve made a mess of things, but if I live through it, I’ll make this up to you – somehow.”
“Nina, come sit over here with me.”
Startled, Nina turned to see Marguerite. She had a glass of water and two tiny pills in her hand. At Nina’s questioning gaze, Marguerite lifted the glass in the air and said, “For my heart.” She put the pills in her mouth and gulped down the water.
“What’s wrong with your heart?”
Marguerite sat the glass down. “The doctor says I’ve got a murmur – but hey,” she smiled, “I’m not dead yet.”
“Don’t joke about things like that.” This woman had been her savior. Marguerite had stood by her the day Isaac beat her senseless in the parking lot of the abortion clinic. And when Isaac left her destitute with no place to go, Marguerite had brought her here. She sat down on the swing next to Marguerite, folded her hands on her lap and slumped in her seat. “What made you open your home to pregnant women who have no way to repay you?”
Marguerite shrugged. “I just wanted to help women, give them an alternative.”
“You’ve been so good to me, Marguerite. But sometimes I feel like my presence here puts you in danger.”
“You’re in no danger, you just need to rest.”
Nina lifted her hand to silence Marguerite’s protest. “I’ve seen his car parked outside your house.”
“But he hasn’t knocked on the door. He’ll get over his anger and move on.”
“No he won’t.” Nina looked up at Marguerite. “You know what hurts most?”
“What?”
“He didn’t love me enough to change, but he now hates me so much that he would kill me.”
“Hush, child. That boy ain’t gon’ kill nobody.”
Nina’s head cocked as she looked at Marguerite. This woman had been so kind to her, as kind as her adoptive mother had been before she died. She could tell that this woman would really miss her when Isaac finally killed her. Nina’s eyes welled up. “I’m so sorry, Marguerite.”
Shaking, Marguerite released herself from Nina’s embrace and said, “Honey, I know you didn’t have any extra clothes when you came here. I hope you don’t mind, but I… I bought you a real nice dress yesterday. I laid it on your bed. Did you look at it?”
“Yes, ma’am. It’s nice.”
“Well, I was wondering…” Don’t push, she reminded herself. “You know that I go to church on Sundays… I was just wondering if you’d like to come with me tomorrow?”
It would be nice to see the house of the Lord one more time, Nina thought. “Let me think about it.”
5
Elizabeth needed a change.
She put the kids in the car and drove over to Lowes. “What are we going to get, Mama?” Erin asked, while Danae was lifted out of her car seat.
“Mommy’s going to get some paint, and maybe some curtains so I can change a few things in my bedroom.”
“What about Daddy, Mama? Does he want you to change the room?”
At five, Erin was the most curious little girl Elizabeth had ever known. She had a question, and sometimes an answer, for just about everything. Elizabeth rubbed Danae’s back as she carried her into the store. She was thankful that Danae was only two and not yet aware of the goings on at the Underwood house.
“Is Daddy okay with the change, Mama?” Erin repeated.
“He’s okay with it, baby.” Then Elizabeth mumbled to herself, “Your Daddy don’t run my show.” The way her mood was, she could paint her bedroom black and call it a day. But as she concentrated on the task at hand, she ignored her dark mood, and became
inspired by some colors in the red family. It’s bold and dramatic, like me. Yep, she definitely liked it. Kenneth always wanted everything so neutral; the change will do me good. She held the paint card out so Erin could see it. “What do you think, honey?”
Erin crinkled her nose. “It’s too loud, Mama. Nobody could look at that everyday without going blind.”
Elizabeth tried to constrain her bruised feelings as she pulled the card back and looked at it again. It was a little bright, but she wouldn’t say it was too loud. Erin was just like her father, so reserved. Maybe that’s what Kenneth thought about me. Maybe he chased after other women because I was too loud, too bold for him.
She put the paint card back in its slot and moved down the aisle. She stopped to look at some browns and oranges. She caught a glimpse of a high-yellow, muscle-bound brother as Danae scrambled out of her arms and ran over to Erin. He caught more than a glimpse of her. The brother was flat out staring. “So what are you going to paint?” he asked.
Elizabeth looked up again. She saw something in his eyes that had been missing from Kenneth’s for quite a while. Desire. For her. Erin must have noticed it too, because she came running back with a paint card in her hand. “Look, Mama. What do you think about this one?”
Elizabeth took the card out of the little blocker’s hand. The color was olive green. It was soft and inviting, without being too bland. Maybe this is what I need. “I like it honey. Let’s get it.”
“Need any help painting?” He gazed down on her with hungry eyes.
“Why don’t you give me your number and I’ll let you know,” Elizabeth replied.
He pulled pen and paper out of his pants pocket. “My name’s Terrence – and yours?”
“I’m Elizabeth.” She looked down at the kids, feeling a little guilty. “And this is Danae and Erin.”
“How do you do?” Terrence asked them as he handed his digits to Elizabeth.
“We’re fine,” Erin answered for the both of them. “But my Daddy probably wouldn’t like you helping Mommy paint.”
“Thank you,” Elizabeth said, taking his number. A smile brightened her face. She remembered what her father said when she was sixteen and when Mr. All-American threw her over for a red-bone, pee-brained pom-pom girl: One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. “I’ll give you a call.” She walked away from Terrence, and went to the paint counter to get the paint mixed, found a pair of matching curtains and was in the check out line waiting for the clerk to process her purchase. Why was it taking so long? The clerk looked up at Elizabeth and then back at the credit card machine. “I’m sorry,” she said, hesitantly. “Your account has been closed.”
“What do you mean, my account has been closed?” she mimicked the clerk. Just as she was about to snatch her card out of the clerk’s hand, she realized exactly what had happened. “Why that low-down, good for…” Danae started crying and rubbing her eyes. “I don’t believe this.”
“What’s the matter Mama?” Erin asked.
She was fuming. “Your Daddy ain’t worth the time it took to hatch his sorry behind. That’s what’s wrong.” She pulled out her checkbook, scribbled out the amount, tore the check from its holder and threw it at the clerk. “Just give me my receipt, so I can get out of here.” Not five minutes later, as Elizabeth pulled out of the parking lot, she angrily picked up her cell phone and dialed Kenneth’s office.
His secretary didn’t have a chance to finish her greeting before Elizabeth yelled, “Put my husband on the phone!”
“What’s up?” Kenneth asked when he picked up the line a few seconds later.
“How dare you? Y–you no good, low down… In all my life, I never met such a – a ---”
“Calm down, Elizabeth. What’s wrong now?”
She pulled up to a red light and slammed on the brakes. “Sleep-around-Sam, what do you think is wrong? You cancelled my credit card!”
“Let me speak to Daddy. Let me speak to Daddy.” Erin unlocked her seatbelt and tried to pry the phone away from her mother’s ear.
“No!” Elizabeth spanked her hand, moving her away from the phone. “I’m speaking to your ol’ no good, lying, cheating Daddy right now.”
“Elizabeth! Please don’t say things like that to my children.” He let out a long exasperated sigh. “What kind of a mother would tell her kids something like that about their father?”
“Kenneth, you act like your mess don’t stink. Well I’m here to tell the world, you are one wrong Black man. And if you don’t want me telling your kids the truth about their precious Daddy, I suggest you stop giving me so much truth to tell!” She hung the phone up and threw it in the passenger seat.
“Mommy, are you okay?” Erin asked.
“I’m okay, baby. Your iniquitous Daddy don’t know who he’s messing with. I’m tired of taking his crap.” Danae started crying again. Elizabeth reached her hand in the back and rubbed her tummy. “I didn’t mean to scare you baby. Mommy’s sorry.”
Her cell phone started ringing. Elizabeth snatched it up. “What is it?”
“Look Liz, I only closed the no-limit credit card account. I didn’t want you to go crazy and charge up more than I can afford.”
Silence.
“Use any of the other cards you want, just let me know before you purchase anything substantial, okay?”
“I’m not a child, Kenneth. You don’t run me like you run your company.”
“Whatever. Look, I’ll be over this evening. I need to pick up some more of my clothes.” And he hung up.
No he didn’t hang up on me. So he wants to come and get his clothes huh? I’ll give him his clothes all right. “Guess what?” Elizabeth said, exuding excitement she didn’t feel.
“What Mama?” Erin replied.
“Daddy’s coming over today.”
“Yea!” Both girls sang in unison, and clapped their hands.
“Guess what else? We’re going to have a barbecue today.” The backseat was full of ‘yeas’ again. “I think I’ll see if Uncle Mike would like to come over too. How ‘bout that?”
“Can we play volleyball too?” Erin asked.
“Yeah, why not.”
***
An hour-and-a-half later, Elizabeth and the kids were in the backyard. The hot dogs, hamburgers, baked beans and potato salad were done and ready to be served. She told the kids to close their eyes so she could put a surprise on the grill. Just as she closed the lid on her surprise, Michael walked through the back yard. His hands were flattened to the side of his pants, head straight, knees erect. The military must have taught him to walk like that, Elizabeth thought for the hundredth time as she watched this incredibly composed specimen come toward her.
“Hey you,” Elizabeth smiled.
Erin and Danae ran over to him yelling, “Uncle Mike, Uncle Mike. Pick me up. No, pick me up.”
He bent down and picked both girls up in one swoop. “Hey Sis, how’s it going?”
“Not too bad,” she told him as she put the paper plates and utensils on the picnic table. “Come on you guys, let’s eat. You can wrestle Uncle Mike down later.” She fixed the plates and sat them around the table.
Michael sat down and looked around the expansive back yard. It was immaculate. “I have to commend you, Sis. This yard is well maintained.”
“I can’t take credit for it. Kenneth made me get a gardener about a year ago.”
Michael swallowed a spoonful of baked beans, then asked, “So how have you been? Any luck finding a job?”
Elizabeth smiled, bubbling over with excitement. “I have an interview with a non-profit organization next week. But I received a job offer yesterday, so I’m trying to decide what I want to do!”
“Oh, yeah? Where at?”
“Tommy Brooks asked me to be the lead singer at this new nightclub downtown. It sounds exciting, I’m really thinking about it.”
“That’s nice, Elizabeth.”
The smile left her face, and her hands went directly to her hips. “Bu
t…”
He raised his hands in mock surrender. “Don’t misunderstand me Elizabeth, I’m proud of you.”
“But…”
His body stiffened as he directed concerned eyes to her. “I just hoped that you would use your God-given talents for the Lord, rather than for the secular world.”
“What secular world? What are you talking about? I sing in the choir, don’t I?” Her head did a sistah-sistah motion. "How else am I going to support my family? I sure can’t depend on Kenneth’s cheating behind.”
“Mommy, what does ‘cheating’ mean?” Erin asked.
Elizabeth picked up a napkin and wiped the mustard from the side of Erin’s mouth. “It means, your Daddy likes to date other women.”
“Elizabeth!” Michael said with an exasperated look on his face.
She gave Michael a hard cold stare. “My children have a right to know what kind of father they have.” She looked up and saw Kenneth walking toward them. “Speak of the devil and in he walks.”
Erin and Danae jumped off the bench and ran over to their father as if he were bread to a starving refugee. “Daddy, Daddy!” Kenneth, in all his wonderfulness, picked up his children, gave them a huge bear hug, then swung them around. “Swing us again, Daddy.”
Kenneth swung his children around in circles a couple more times, then kissed both of them on the cheek. “I’ve missed you two so much.”
“We missed you too, Daddy,” Erin said, beaming up at Mr. Wonderful with those light brown eyes of hers.
“Dadda cheat,” Danae said.
Kenneth turned to his youngest daughter. “What did you say, baby?”
“Dadda cheat.”
“She means you like to date other women,” Erin told him matter-of-factly.
Kenneth put his children down and glared at his wife. “How could you tell them such a thing?”
Elizabeth smiled ever so sweetly at Kenneth. Her eyes portrayed none of the hatred she felt at that moment. Wide-eyed innocence overflowed as she said, “Oh, was I supposed to lie to them, the way you lie to me?”
Former Rain-Forsaken Box Set Page 3