Betty closed her briefcase and stood up. “I don’t want to overtax you today, so I’ll just come back in a few days.”
JT was still rubbing his temple with his eyes closed. “All right. Let’s talk in a couple of days.”
“You look so sad, Pastor. Is there anything I can do for you?”
He wished with all that was in him that someone could do something to help him. JT couldn’t point to a time in his life when he felt this alone. When his mother died on him, he thought he had Mona. When he discovered that Mona was cheating on him, JT had hung with Jimmy. When Jimmy got himself arrested and JT feared that he would be arrested also, he had turned to God. But now God had turned away from him. JT knew he was sunk and there was nothing he could do about it. Then an idea struck him and he lifted his head with excitement. He asked Betty, “Do you know how to get a prayer through to God?”
“Excuse me, Pastor?”
“You know what I mean. God doesn’t hear everybody’s prayers.” JT knew that one first hand, since God had stopped listening to him. “You’ve got to have a clean heart and clean hands.”
She was silent.
“Is your heart clean before God, Betty?”
“I believe it is, Pastor.”
Humbly he asked, “Then would you pray for me?”
Stumbling over her words, she told him, “Y-yes Pastor. I will fast and pray.”
Betty walked out of the living room and went into the kitchen to say goodbye to Cassandra. JT looked to heaven. “You might ignore me, but you can’t ignore everybody. You have to honor Your word. The prayers of the righteous avail much. Remember, those words, Lord?”
God had given up on him. He’d slid the final nail in his coffin the day he slept with Vivian. He understood that. But just because God had turned His back on him, did that mean he had to give up the fight? Did he have to stop loving God? Because the truth of the matter was, JT did love God. He meant every word he’d said the day he gave his life to the Lord. Somehow things just got messed up and he’d forgotten all that he’d promised the Lord.
An idea struck him and he lifted his head with excitement. Jim Baker and other preachers like him had been forsaken by God, the whole world could attest to that. But JT had seen Jim Baker after he’d been released from prison. Anointed, was the word that crossed his mind when he looked at the resurrected Jim Baker. And God was no respecter of persons, right?
JT turned his head toward heaven and with tears running down his face, he cried out, “God, you’ve been so good to me through the years. You’ve seen me through some tough times. So, even though I know I’ve done wrong, I just can’t walk away. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to You that I want to change. Not only do I want to change, Lord, but from this moment on, I declare to You that I am a changed man. And now all I want to do is search out Your will for my life.”
JT went to his room and picked up his Bible. He had an overwhelming need to read God’s word, a need to be cleansed. So it was no surprise that he turned to Psalm 51.
“Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy loving kindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies, blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil…”
JT laid his Bible on his lap and looked heavenward as he examined this truth. JT knew he had sinned and done so repeatedly. But in all that he had done, JT had never once considered that simple truth; that his sins put him at odds with God. Standing behind his pulpit preaching God’s word meant nothing, because he was living contrary to the word he preached. He turned back to his Bible and continued to read:
“Purge me with hyssop and I shall be clean: wash me and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me to hear joy and gladness: that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence: and take not thy holy spirit from me.”
JT leaned his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes. He never imagined that separating from God would be so painful. But it was. JT thought that losing his baby girl was the most pain he would ever feel in this life. But now that years had gone by, he’d learned to live with her absence. But could he learn to live with the absence of God and did he want to? “Oh God,” he said. “I know that You have already taken your presence from me. But I can’t live without You.”
He got out of his chair and stretched out on his bed. JT wanted to stretch out on the floor, but he wasn’t sure if he would be able to get up from the floor without help. “Tears were flowing from his eyes. JT realized that he had been crying a lot lately. “Lord, please create in me a clean heart.” He was sobbing now as he said, “I-I don’t w-want to live without You.”
Cassandra opened his bedroom door and rushed into the room. “Are you okay?”
“No,” JT answered honestly as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “But I won’t stop pleading my case before the Lord until I am okay again.”
CHAPTER 17
The next morning, JT got out of bed, walked down the hall, and stood at the bottom of the stairs. He wanted to walk up those stairs but he wasn’t totally steady on his feet yet, so he yelled, “Cassandra!”
When there was no answer, he yelled again, “Cassandra!”
Cassandra unlocked her bedroom door and walked into the hall. She stood at the top of the stairs with her finger over her mouth. “Shh. The boys are still sleeping.”
“Can you look for some of the ministry tapes I used to listen to and my tape player? They’re in our walk in closet in our bedroom.”
She looked back toward her bedroom and then turned back to JT. “Can I get them for you when the boys wake up?”
“Are they sleeping in our bedroom? I thought we agreed not to get that started with them?”
She didn’t look at JT as she responded, “I don’t like sleeping by myself.”
JT thought her comment was an invitation for him. He leaned against the stair post and said, “Maybe you should move to the bedroom downstairs with me. Until I’m able to climb these stairs, I won’t be able to sleep in our bedroom with you.”
She rolled her eyes at that suggestion, turned, walked back into her room and closed the door. JT heard her turn the lock before he turned and walked away. He went to his home office, which thankfully was on the first floor. He sat down in his wingback swivel chair and began searching through his desk drawers for CDs and tape cassettes of some of his favorite preachers. He wished he had full use of both his arms and couldn’t wait until the cast was taken off his right arm. But since he was pretty much on his own as evidenced by Cassandra locking her bedroom door, he had to make do with the one arm he had.
The first thing his hand passed over while searching through his top drawer was a picture of Sarah. He picked it up and leaned back in his seat. He had taken this picture with the camera he’d brought into the delivery room. They had pronounced his baby dead, but he still needed something to remember her by, so he’d snapped the picture.
He kept Sarah’s picture in his desk drawer as a constant reminder of the day God failed him. Each time he opened that drawer and looked at the unmoving form of Sarah, JT felt vindicated in his wrong doings. After all, he had something on God, so how could the Almighty call him on anything that he had done.
However, today, JT didn’t feel like kicking against the prick anymore. Looking at his first child’s picture, he said, “I’ll never forget you, Sarah. I’m so sorry that you aren’t here with us, but I have to move on. I can’t hold your death against God anymore.” He then placed the picture underneath some files in the bottom drawer.
“The Purpose and Power of God’s Glory” tape by Myles Mun
roe was already in his tape recorder, as if God knew what he needed to listen to first. He leaned back in his seat and listened to Myles Munroe explain how humans exist to manifest God’s glory. JT was intrigued by the concept. Then Myles Munroe started talking about the glory of becoming what God has called us to be and JT was swept away. He’d often wondered if pastoring a church was truly the thing God wanted from him. He loved to preach, but didn’t feel as if he was all that good with the administrative part of his job. JT decided that he would put that question on his prayer list. He didn’t even worry about the fact that God wasn’t answering his prayers right now. He had decided last night that he was going to bombard heaven with so many prayers that God would have to answer.
When the Myles Monroe tape finished, JT listened to Joyce Meyer discuss discipline in the life of a Christian. After that tape, JT needed to take a break. He went into the kitchen to get a bowl of bran cereal and a banana, before going back into his office to continue feasting on the word of God.
Cassandra was in front of the stove cooking oatmeal and Jerome was at the kitchen table when JT walked in. Jerome got up from the table and ran to JT. “Daddy, daddy,” he yelled as he wrapped his arms around JT.
“Good morning, Son. Did you sleep well?”
“Yes!” he said as if he were cheering for his favorite football team. Jerome then asked. “Daddy, why don’t you sleep in Mommy’s room anymore?”
“Sit back down, Jerome. Your oatmeal is ready,” Cassandra said just before turning to JT. “I’ll get your tapes out of the room in a little while, Aaron is still sleep.”
JT smiled as he noted how easily Cassandra was able to get Jerome’s mind off of them and on his tummy. Jerome sat down, grabbed his spoon and waited for his bowl. “I can wait. I found some tapes in my office,” JT said as he went to the cabinet and grabbed a bowl. “I just came in here to get a bowl of cereal and some fruit before I go back to my office.” He looked at Jerome. “Can I sit with you, Champ?”
Jerome smiled. “Yes, Daddy, come sit with me.”
As JT sat down at the table, Cassandra said, “I’m going to go check on Aaron.”
“Okay, Sanni. Jerome and I will entertain ourselves while you’re gone.”
Cassandra stopped in her tracks. She used to love when JT called her Sanni, but she was sick and tired of him taking privileges that he no longer deserved. She turned back to JT and said, “Please don’t call me Sanni. Just call me Cassandra. Okay?”
Cassandra was fuming. JT had no right to use the nickname he’d given her years ago. “How dare he,” she said as she flopped down on her bed. She was stuck in this house with him for the time being, but she would no longer put up with him acting as if she was someone special to him. This man had singlehandedly ruined her life. She had put up with so much mess from him. After their baby girl died, JT did not comfort her. No, he spent his time cheating on her with one woman after another. And now that he was hurt she was supposed to just forgive and forget all JT’s transgressions. She picked up a pillow off her bed, put it against her face and screamed. Aaron jerked and started screaming also. Cassandra stood, walked over to his crib and picked him up. She looked to heaven as she rocked Aaron in her arms and said, “I’m sorry for scaring you, little one.”
She grabbed a diaper and the wet wipes, laid Aaron on her bed and changed his diaper,all the while noticing that Aaron looked more like his father with each passing day. But she wasn’t holding that against her baby. She loved her children and wouldn’t care who they looked like. But she was really tired of seeing JT. The way she was feeling right now, she could go a life time without seeing him again. Cassandra wouldn’t throw him out in his time of need, but she really didn’t know how she would get through the next few weeks.
She took Aaron downstairs. After JT spent a little time playing with him, Cassandra fed her son. Jerome went with JT back to his office. Cassandra was glad when JT walked out of the kitchen. Her irritation with him began first thing this morning when he asked her to move into his bedroom with him. What in the world would make JT think she wanted to sleep with him?
She walked over to the sink and ran some dish water. She was still fuming as she put the breakfast dishes in the water, so she started talking to God again. “I love You, Lord. But I swear I don’t understand You at all. JT does all this awful stuff to me, even getting some woman pregnant. And now he’s praying and crying to You, listening to tapes about You, and trying to act as if he’s sorry for the things he’s done. I just don’t believe it, Lord.”
“I don’t blame you for being angry with me,” JT said as he stood in the kitchen.
Cassandra turned toward the door, embarrassed that she had been caught talking to God about JT. So, she testily said, “Are you sneaking up on people now?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
She waved him off. “No use apologizing for scaring me. Believe me, you’ve done much worse than that.”
Leaning against the wall, JT told her, “I am trying to change, Cassandra. I can’t make any promises, though. You deserve better than empty promises from me.”
Cassandra took Aaron out of his highchair. “I’m going to get the kids dressed and go to the grocery store.”
“Do you mind if I come with you? I’d like to stop at Best Buy or a Christian bookstore so I can pick up a few gospel CDs.”
Cassandra rolled her eyes, but said, “That’s fine. I’ll take you wherever you need to go.” She was going to show him who was the real Christian between the two of them. She could be charitable, she thought as she brushed past him without looking his way.
CHAPTER 18
They went to the Christian bookstore first. Cassandra was carrying Aaron, while holding Jerome’s hand. JT had to walk with his cane, and since he still had the cast, he wasn’t much help with the kids. The Thomas’s were well known in this store because they bought most of their Christian material here. JT also encouraged his members to shop at Christian Light.
“The manager of the store ran over to JT and Cassandra. She hugged Cassandra and then said to JT, “Pastor Thomas, we were so worried about you. Thank God you survived that accident.”
“Thank you, Becky. I’m mending,” JT told her.
“How long does your arm have to be in that cast?” Becky asked
JT put his hand on his cast as he responded, “Probably just another month.”
Cassandra reminded him, “That’s not what the doctor said.” Cassandra turned to Becky. “The doctor will check his arm in about a month to see if it’s healed enough to come out of the cast.”
Becky smiled at Cassandra and JT and then asked, “So, what brings you two in the store today?”
“I need some more gospel CDs,” JT told her.
“Well, don’t let me stop you.” Becky pointed toward the CDs. “You know where everything is. If we don’t have something you’re looking for, just let me know and I’ll order them for you.”
“Thanks,” JT said as he walked over to the CDs. He and Cassandra looked through the CDs, ruled out a few, but managed to pick out the ones that both wanted to listen to. When they were through, they had a CD by Donnie McClurkin, Cee Cee Winans, Fred Hamond, Martha Munizzi and Smokie Norful.
As they walked out of the Christian bookstore, JT told Cassandra, “I’d like for us to play this music throughout the house during the day. Would that be okay with you?”
Cassandra’s eyebrow went up. “Since when do you care what I want to do in our house?”
JT touched Cassandra’s arm, stopping her from walking into the street toward their car. He waited until she looked at him before speaking. “I do care what you think, Cassandra. It may have seemed like I didn’t care, but that person wasn’t the real me.”
Cassandra didn’t respond. She walked toward the car and unlocked the door.
JT opened the back door so Jerome could climb in. He then sat down on the passenger side of the car while Cassandra strapped the kids into their car seats. W
hen he looked out of his window, he saw Vivian Sampson seated in the car in front of them. She was staring at him with hate filled eyes. A cold chill went down JT’s spine as he watched Vivian back out of her parking spot and speed off.
“Good Lord, why would someone peel out of a parking lot like that? Don’t they know that children walk around here?” Cassandra said as she got in the car and put her seat belt on.
“Usually it’s some nut that acts like that,” JT said, convinced now more than ever that Vivian was not only nuts, but a stalker as well.
Cassandra turned to JT and asked, “So are you up to going with me to the grocery store?”
“Can we go to the grocery store tomorrow? I’d like to talk to you about some things if that’s okay.”
They arrived home at noon, fed the children lunch and then Cassandra took Jerome and Aaron upstairs so they could take a nap. Once they were asleep, she came back downstairs.
JT was in the family room listening to Cece Winans sing “Alabaster Box”. He leaned his head back against the couch and soaked in the story of a woman who was a sinner, but came to Jesus in a repentant manner and had been forgiven.
“Okay, I’m here. What did you want to talk about?” Cassandra asked when she walked into the family room.
He patted the seat next to him. “Sit down with me, Cassandra.”
She sat down, but not on the couch next to JT. Cassandra sat in the chair next to the couch. “I’m listening.”
He’d brought this on himself so he couldn’t blame Cassandra for how distant she had become. He had grown distant himself when Sarah died and now he needed to explain. He took a deep breath and said, “I know you feel as if I kind of checked out of our family. But to tell you the truth, when Sarah died, I got lost. I just didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Oh, so I guess I wasn’t hurt by the death of my baby?” Cassandra said, rolling her eyes in exasperation.
JT raised his hand to try to stop Cassandra from getting angry. “I know you were hurt. What I’m trying to tell you is that I lost my way with God after Sarah died. I probably should have stepped down from my role as pastor, but I was too prideful to admit that I didn’t trust God. So, I acted out in other ways.”
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