Crushing Desire

by April Dawn

  Reena swung her legs off the bed and brushed once at the large wrinkles that had creased into her dress. Facing the mirror, she also faced herself. She was passing pretty, but far from beautiful.

  “What if he isn’t? What if the man that will appreciate my beauty lives in Scotland, or France, or somewhere else?” Reena toyed with the bodice of her gown. “What if I don’t appreciate his beauty? What if we don’t even speak the same language?”

  Emily laughed again and stood from the bed. She moved to stand before Reena, her dress miraculously free of wrinkles.

  “Reena, my girl” She took both of Reena’s hands into her own. “You’re man will find you if he must.”

  Reena sniffled and stared at their joined hands. “But I don’t want another man to find me,” she whispered

  Emily loosed her hands and pushed Reena’s chin up so her downcast eyes met Emily’s. “Dear heart, you have options.” She wiped a stray tear, which had tracked down Reena’s cheek. “You can sit back and see what happens. Let life take its course and take what you are given. Or, you can consider your other options. You do have some wonderful men courting you.”

  Reena gritted her teeth.

  “You can enter a nunnery and give your life to God,” Emily inclined her head in a conspiratorial fashion, “though we both know you’re far too strong willed for the life of a cloistered nun.” They both smiled, but then Emily’s face turned serious, her gaze searching Reena’s. “Or you can fight for what you want. You can try to win Joshua for yourself.”

  Emily took Reena by the hand, leading her to the small chairs that faced the window. She sat in the chair across from Reena’s.

  “We could come up with a plan to snare him. Something that would make him admit his feelings for you, good or bad.”

  Reena inspected her hands.

  “You would devise a good plan, I know,” Reena said. “You always come up with good plans, and more often than not, they work.” She worried her thumb pad over her smooth fingernail. “But do I really want to wonder, for the rest of my days, if he was mine only because we tricked him?”

  And if he found out about their plans, would he hate her forever? Would she hate herself for the lies? No, she couldn’t and wouldn’t trick him. Reena cared so much for him, and she couldn’t do anything to hurt him. She had lived her life with thoughts of him always foremost in her mind, and she shouldn’t forgive herself if those thoughts were filled with betrayal and lies. No, she wouldn’t trick him, even if it meant she would be alone forever.

  “No, Emily. Schemes and plans are necessary from time to time, but never in matters of the heart.” Reena looked out the window. “I know my feelings for him must be dreadfully tedious to you, and I apologize for that, but I cannot trick him into caring for me. I should never be able to live with myself if I did.” Reena spied a small bird flying from a treetop, no doubt off to find food for its young. It landed and snatched something from the ground, and then took off again, returning to its treetop. The knots left her stomach, and her shoulders relaxed as she watched the bird feed its young amongst the peaceful beauty of the green trees. Smoothing her skirt, trying again to flatten the wrinkles, she continued, “I’ll think on what you said, but I’ll not scheme against the man that I love and always will love.”

  Emily nodded, following her gaze out the window. Reena wondered if she should start pondering at her suitors or a nunnery. Both ideas seemed ludicrous, and Reena found herself accepting the first option Emily had presented. Let things happen, and see where life led her. If she was to be put upon a shelf, so be it.

  Chapter Seven

  A slight breeze blew around the vast manor, carrying on it the smelled of the fresh paint her uncle insisted on in order to keep up the appearance of newness. Reena opened the draperies, letting the warm sunshine into the house before retiring to the freshly manicured garden, book in hand.

  “Hello, Miss Harrison,” said a familiar voice. Reena attempted, out of habit, to conceal her book.

  “What are we reading today?” Joshua took a seat beside her.

  “Robinson Crusoe.” She pulled the forbidden pleasure from the folds of her skirt.

  “A fine choice.” He angled his head to see the cover. Her chest constricted, and she couldn’t help but beam at him.

  “Why thank you. I am indeed enjoying it,” she said. “Do you come to see my uncle?”

  He paused for a moment as though he wanted to say something. His eyes held hers for what seemed an eternity. The strange seriousness in those blue depths seemed to soften while he stared at her.

  “Yes.” He shook his head slightly, a soft smile showing the deep dimples in his cheeks. “Yes,” He repeated, clearing his throat as he stood. “I’d best get inside and have a word with him.” Joshua walked toward the door. Reena watched, enjoying the masculine sight of his body, surprised by her own boldness. He glanced over his shoulder in her direction before stepping inside. A shiver went through her as his gaze met hers for an instant more.

  The door closed quietly behind him, and Reena picked up the book again. But the words would not come into focus. She wanted to see him, to have him come out and read to her. She longed to watch those full lips move and hear that sensual voice speak the words. It wasn’t Robinson Crusoe that she wanted him to read, though; she had a few hidden books of poetry that she would prefer.

  Her face burned at the wicked thought, and she pushed it under.

  Reena closed the book and held it for a moment. She wanted to get another peek at him. She loved to study Joshua, and when he didn’t know she was watching, she could really take her time. Her foot began to tap, and then her leg began to shake. Before Reena even realized she’d made the decision to move, her book was on the table, and she stood at the window of her uncle’s study.

  The walls of the sizeable study were all but bare. Only a few hunting trophies and a portrait of Reena’s late aunt covered them. Papers covered a substantial desk in the center of the room that was surrounded by two large comfortable chairs. They offered deceptive relaxation to the men that came to do business with her clever uncle. The bookshelf on the far wall was littered with more papers and files than books. Uncle Howard had always believed in separating work from personal pursuits, which was why he had a generous library down the hall where all leisure reading was to be kept. He didn’t even allow spirits in the study. If a drink was required, he brought them to the library but not until business was completed, of course.

  The men sat on opposite sides of the desk, deep in discussion. Joshua’s boot was propped on his thigh, giving Reena a wonderful view of the muscles as they strained against his breeches. His back was straight, and his hands rested behind his head, stretching the material of his shirt taut across his chest. They were discussing something pleasant. She could tell by the way his fingers tapped a light beat on the wrist of his other hand. That was good. It meant a smile wasn’t far behind. As if to please her, he smiled deeply, his chest rumbling with a deep laugh that made her insides want to burst. She loved his husky male laugh and wished that the window were open so that it wouldn’t have been so muffled.

  Joshua’s mouth moved in its sensual pattern, and she wished she could hear his words. His voice was one of her favorite things about him. It was masculine and smooth like the rest of him.

  His brow furrowed, and his head turned toward the window. She ducked, rushing back to the table and her book, scolding herself for going to watch him. One minute Reena was insisting to herself that she would stop behaving like a child, and a moment later, she was hiding in the bushes.

  What is wrong with me?

  Reena rolled her eyes and lifted the book from the table.

  9

  Reena was watching him, Joshua could feel it. She had done so since she was a girl, and though it happened less often now, Reena still did it on occasion. He shifted his eyes toward the window and caught sight of a blonde head just above the sill. He sat back in his chair, boot on his knee and rested hi
s hands behind his head. Not caring that he was paying more attention to the lovely young woman than he was to what Howard was talking about.

  Oh, but she was lovely.

  He thought back on the first time that he’d seen her, as he did sometimes. He and his beloved Juliet had been at a ball to celebrate an engagement or some such thing, and Reena stood against the wall. His gaze had lit on her when he’d turned.

  She’d looked a bit ridiculous in the child’s dress, being so very tall and well grown by then. At first he’d thought it must be a lady playing a strange joke of some sort. When he had come closer, he’d found her to be just a pretty child. Her golden hair and wide blue-green eyes had given her the innocent beauty that children often have.

  He would court her, but she was young still, practically a child. What’s more, there were much better men out there for her. Joshua had money, that was true, and power in certain circles, but he had no title. Titled lords were courting Reena. The Most Honorable Daniel Dubois was heir to a dukedom on his mother’s side, he would be far richer and far more powerful than he, and she deserved to have it all.

  He was jealous, he knew. Whenever he saw her out with one of her suitors, he had the strong urge to punch them. Still, he held his tongue and his fists when he had to. Martin Dubois was the most difficult. A lecherous rakehell. He would without a doubt try to steal her virtue if the opportunity presented itself. That was of course, if he could get around that wily Emily Benton. Joshua couldn’t help but laugh. He’d caught onto the woman’s tricks long ago, though no one else seemed to have done so. Personally, he found her ploys brilliant.

  Her jokes kept the men disarmed; her feigned sleep, which gave Reena deserved privacy was conveniently interrupted if she was needed. Her quick, yet covert responses to inappropriate behavior were never suspected. She was the perfect chaperone. He’d learned this when he had taken Reena on a walk. Emily had inserted herself between them when they stepped too close, taking each of their arms in hers and speeding them along, claiming that she was famished and wanted to hurry to the picnic site.

  Joshua hoped she was as vigilant or more so with Martin. He was sure that Martin would be more respectful after the talk that they’d had. Joshua’s fists had been more than enough encouragement for the apology that he’d refused to render Reena. Yes, Martin could be wily too, and if Emily wasn’t careful, she might turn a corner and find Martin’s hands already busy about their business.

  The thought of Martin’s body pressing close to Reena’s, his hands covering her naked flesh as she writhed in passionate surrender made Joshua’s stomach turn sour. He found himself glancing toward the window. She wasn’t there, and a small sense of loss came over him.

  “So, what do you say, old boy?” asked Howard.

  Joshua realized that he’d given up entirely on paying attention to what Howard was saying. Howard seldom conducted any actual business in their meetings, preferring instead to share stories and gossip.

  Better honest than misinformed. Joshua shrugged.

  “Sorry Howard, my mind got away from me. What were you asking?”

  Howard smirked, and for an instant, Joshua thought that Howard knew well what he’d been thinking.

  “I was asking if you would come with us on a picnic by the river. Ms. Benton and Reena have prepared a charming afternoon, and I’m sure they would be keen to have you along. Though the picnic is planned for Saturday night, and I realize that three days is short notice. I understand if you are already engaged for the evening.” Howard leaned forward, waiting for the answer.

  “I believe that I am free that evening.” Joshua stood from his chair, followed by Howard, and they moved toward the door.

  An afternoon with Reena was just what he needed. In the sunshine, her hair glowed gold, and her laughter was a bit brighter. In the moonlight, she glowed ethereally. She was not one for the darkest shadows; that was obvious.

  “Six o’clock, I shall see you then, my friend,” Howard told Joshua as he opened the door.

  Chapter Eight

  The next morning, Joshua returned for a visit with Reena. He’d thought about her through the evening, vivid images of their stolen kiss plagued him, robbing him of sleep. He approached the front of the estate and noticed three figures sitting in the gazebo. Reena straightened, her eyes widening as he moved toward them.

  “Good afternoon, Mr. Sinclair,” Reena said. Emily sat dozing on one of the three benches in the gazebo, but her eyes flew open at the sound of Reena’s greeting. “How are you this morning?”

  Michael sat on the bench across from Reena, frowning. Joshua stopped by the gazebo, ignoring the venom shooting from Michael Dubois’s stare. Joshua held the sizeable box that contained the ivory chess set he’d purchased during his trip to town when he’d ran into Reena. He’d wanted to show Reena the set and perhaps teach her the game. Also, though he was loath to admit it to himself, he’d missed her. Ever since he’d kissed her, he had wanted to speak to her about it. He thought of her more and more these days. His resolution to stay away for her own good, and his statements to himself that he was only fascinated by a sweet girl because she was interesting and quirky, were losing their ability to deter him. All the mental reminders that she was far too young for him now seemed to be thin as eggshell and were starting to crack.

  “Good evening, Miss Harrison, Monsieur Dubois.” He nodded curtly.

  Joshua’s gaze lingered on her hair for a moment, which had been twisted atop her head then dropped to her full lips. A work of art—sensual and inviting. They seemed to beg to be kissed.

  “Can we help you, Sinclair?” Michael’s stiff posture said much more than his words.

  Joshua drew his gaze from Reena and glanced at Michael.

  “I came to speak with Miss Harrison for a moment. She and I had discussed something the other day, and I had intended to continue that discussion.” Joshua fought a smile as Michael huffed, slapping a thigh.

  “Well, Sir.” Michael stood and puffed out his chest. “I believe you can find another person to discuss your troubles with. You see, I am visiting with her now, and I am sure you wouldn’t want to interrupt such a happy occasion.”

  Joshua took a step forward and broadened his shoulders. He knew he should walk away, but this direct challenge was more than he could ignore.

  “Mr. Sinclair, if you wouldn’t mind.” Reena jumped up, insinuating herself between the men. “I’m sure you have some words to speak to my uncle first. We can finish our talk later, perhaps after supper?”

  Emily spoke in a low tone to Michael, but Joshua couldn’t hear her words. His eyes met Reena’s, and he was struck by their unique color. They appeared blue-grey in the shade of the gazebo. They appeared to change color with her mood, or perhaps the lighting. Some moments they were sky blue, most often when she laughed. Sometimes they looked green, or a combination of the three colors, but always they were as intriguing as the woman to whom they belonged.

  Her brows drew together, and her eyes filled with pleading that begged him to walk away. Joshua wanted to say no, to stay and teach this pup not to poke the lion, but the look she gave him tore at his heart. He nodded, his gaze leaving hers and meeting Michael’s. Joshua filled his stare with a warning, but his words were appropriately contrite.

  “Of course, we will speak later. There is always time for us to talk later.”

  Michael stiffened and Joshua couldn’t help but smirk. He turned and walked toward the manor house.

  9

  Reena was horrified by Joshua’s timing. She’d remembered Emily’s words from before as they’d sat in the small gazebo, Emily feigning sleep on the nearby bench. Her suggestion that Reena consider her suitors had been far more painful than Reena had expected. She’d imagined herself sitting with Michael this way while their children played in the gardens nearby. That was the moment when Joshua had shown himself. Though she hadn’t enjoyed it, it was as though her betrayal in thought had called him to her. Reena put it out of her head b
est she could and enjoyed her visit with Michael, who’d been kind to her in all things and didn’t warrant disrespect.

  “Well, I must be going,” Michael said some time later, rubbing his hands against his thighs as he stood. “I shall see you soon for our picnic.”

  He took her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it lightly.

  “That would be lovely.” Despite her words, her mind still lingered on Joshua.

  Moments later, Reena watched as Michael rode away in his carriage, Emily at her side.

  “Emily, would you give me some time alone with Joshua?”

  Emily gazed over at her for a moment, a frown creasing her forehead. “Are you certain you wish to be alone? I could make rounds.” That was their term for Emily coming every so often to check on Reena, keeping her safe without interrupting her visit. “You know I’ll never abandon you, Reena. Men will profess love, propose, and dance a jig, whatever it takes to make a girl compromise her virtue for him.”

  “No, we both know Joshua would never try such tactics with me. I trust him. He would not hurt me, and he has no designs upon my person.”

  “If you need me, you shout.” They turned toward the manor, seeing that Joshua stood in the shadows of the gazebo watching them.

  Half an hour later, Emily dozed in a chair in the gardens while Joshua walked with Reena by the nearby stream.

  “I suppose you are curious about why I came.” He still held the weighty box that he’d arrived with. He motioned her to a fallen log, laying his overcoat upon it, and they sat.

  Reena stared into his eyes, wishing that she could be someone different. Someone that he could want, need, and love. Someone like his petite wife had been. She wanted to be a dark haired beauty, full of grace and style, but she knew she could only be herself, and truth told, she liked who she was on the inside.