Pippa dipped her head low and kind of half rolled her gaze upward and gave her one of those hard stares. “It’s been a week, Clem. A week. Do you know the life cycle of a zygote? I mean the stupid thing would barely have gone through mitosis by now!”
“Please tell me you used protection.”
“Protection? What the hell am I going to protect him from? I haven’t been with a man in forever!”
“Well, what about him?” Clem said. “If he’s anything like Zander—”
“Good God, let’s hope not. I’m trusting that no one is in Zander’s realm of sexual experience. Besides, the man lives alone on a boat half the time. I think his sleeping with me gave his wrist a break from the risk of carpal tunnel syndrome.”
Clementine burst out laughing. “Okay, that image makes me want to pee my pants with laughter.”
“Poor, poor Topher. The guy didn’t do anything different from any of his brothers, I’m sure. And they probably do it on a far-too-regular basis, for that matter. He just had the bad misfortune of me happening upon it.”
“Yeah, but you’re the one reinforcing it with the carpal-tunnel-syndrome joke.”
Pippa looked at her with stern eyes. “I’m serious about that! I mean what else would you do if you were bobbing on a boat with no companionship?”
“If this boat’s a rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’—”
“Yeah, unless you want to wander in on poor Topher taking care of business.”
“I don’t know. Sounds like from what you said when that happened, he might well be worth walking in on.”
Pippa looked sheepish and faux gulped. “Actually...”
“I know, I know. He’s packing. Just like the rest of those boys, if rumors are true about them.”
Pippa just nodded and took a swig of her wine. “You know I’m not one to feed rumors, but... I had no idea! I mean it’s been a good decade since I saw that thing, and I sure don’t remember it being quite so girthsome.”
“Girthsome? Is that a word?”
They both giggled. “If it’s not, it should be,” Pippa said. She held up her hand and made a huge circle with her thumbs and pointer fingers.
“Oh shut up,” Clem said, swatting her hand at the finger circle. “No way is it that big.”
“I’m serious. He’s got some impressiveness going on there.”
“Next time, I want you to take a picture of it just to prove it to me.”
Pippa’s eyes grew large. “Oh definitely. I’d make him stop everything so I could just get off a few snapshots of the thing,” she said. “But seriously, Clem—next time? Are you mad? I’m not going down that path anymore. I’ve sworn off Topher or anyone of blood relation to that man. I can’t bear the idea of Zander and company just laughing their asses off at this strange turn of events. I can totally see Z, leaning up against a pool table, a cold beer sticking out of his shirt pocket—because who else does that but Zander?
“He’d take a swig of that beer and bellow, ‘It’s come full circle, mates. The Wank is back to where it’s begun.’ Or some such nonsense. I dearly love Zander, but I also want to throttle the man. Do you think I could do that without going to jail?”
“Maybe you just need to get away for a while, Pips. Put things in perspective. I mean honestly, I think you’re overthinking this. So you saw the guy masturbating when he was a teenager. No big deal. And then all of a sudden you end up hooking up with him. And you have a great time. And he’s got girthiness, which evidently is something to treasure or covet or at the very least want more of. If I were you, hon, I’d go find me some more girth. But that’s just me. I know you. You’ll go off and do some do-goody thing and make others less fortunate feel better about their lives. Which is fine. So then go—do it. Stop dwelling on the Episode. But in the meantime... tell me more about what happened!”
~*~
By the time they were on their third glass of wine, Pippa was telling her friend how they made their way from the bovine couch to the bedroom.
“God, Pippa, I never thought about little Topher as a sexual being,” Clem said. “But damn, he sounds like he knows what he’s doing with that thing.”
Pippa nodded. “And then some. It was pretty amazing.”
“So then after all that, what happened?”
Pippa sighed, pushing her lower lip out in a pout. “I panicked. I woke up, and he was naked, and God, I was so close to just pulling the sheets away and ringing the bell for round six, but then I thought about Zander and how brutal he would be with Topher. Plus I was naked in the palace and it was daylight. Do you have any idea how impossible it is to sneak out of a palace in your night-before clothes? I just freaked, grabbed my things, and left pronto.”
“And you didn’t say a word to Topher? No note? Nothing?”
Pippa shrugged. “I know, I know. Totally lame of me. I don’t know what came over me but for seriously intense panic.”
“Wow, to go from high to low like that in a matter of hours.”
“You’re not kidding.”
“And you haven’t reached out to him or anything?”
Pippa shook her head. “I don’t even have his contact information. What am I supposed to do—ask Zander? Can you imagine the response that would elicit?”
“Well, that’s nuts,” Clem said. “We could get his number lickety-split. All you have to do is ask me for a little help.”
“Yeah, but what’s the point? I mean there is no future in anything with Toph and me,” Pippa said. “For one thing, he lives far, far away. For another, well, you know the deal. We have a history that is irrevocable.”
Clementine waved her hand at her friend. “Oh nonsense. Those are total smoke screens. First of all, do you or do you not travel all over the place for work? As in surely you can divert yourself to some stopping point where the two of you could, uh, pick up where you left off,” she said, holding her fingers in air quotes. “And for another thing, that whole history excuse is just that: history. You’re both grown-ups now! You can’t let your life be defined by something that happened when you were teenagers!”
She buried her face in her hands. “I don’t know what to do, Clem. I’m too scared to try that. But I’m also sad that I’m such a weenie. I wish we’d had a chance to pursue this more. But now what do I do?”
“Leave it up to your best friend Clem, my dear. I’ll work my magic, and before you know it, you’ll be on the road to girthdom.” She made a huge circle with her fingers.
The two of them broke out in peals of laughter as Pippa ordered some more wine; she knew she was going to need it.
Chapter Seven
TOPHER lifted off his dive mask and scaled the metal ladder into the back of the catamaran he called home. He peeled off his wet suit and hosed off under the outdoor shower nozzle beneath the setting sun just as Sebastian, his skipper, who also happened to be his cousin, handed him a cold beer.
“You’re a good man,” Topher said, lifting his bottle to him. “Only thing better than a cold beer would’ve been—”
“A warm snatch,” Sebastian said.
They both laughed.
“You must be a mind reader,” Topher said. “Although I was trying not to go there in my head, thanks.”
“But Your Highness, you can have the pick of the litter. You should never go without.”
Topher rolled his eyes. “Stop with the formalities. Besides, you know I’m not like my brother Zander. I don’t sleep with women just because I can.”
“Then you’re a fool,” Sebastian said with a belly laugh.
Topher shrugged. “You got me there. It sucks having a conscience.”
Truth was, since he’d returned to the British Virgin Islands, he’d thought about only one woman, so much so that he really wished he could clear her out of his head.
But no such luck. Whether he was swimming with sea turtles or measuring coral stress or assessing pollution levels, he still couldn’t get Pippa out of his mind. And maybe Pippa would laugh
about that, knowing that while he was pondering dirty things, he was thinking of her.
It kind of made him frustrated, because up until now, he’d always been most at peace beneath the surface of these crystalline waters, mesmerized by the movements of a prehistoric-looking Hawksbill turtle or simply fascinated by the behavior of a nearby school of rainbow-colored fish. But now he could barely focus on this underwater nirvana. All because he was suddenly horny. Or was it more than that? It was weird because he’d pined for Pippa for all those years, but when he finally moved away, so did thoughts of her for a very long time. Only to come rushing back upon being near her again, further nurtured by the memories of what it felt like to be inside her, to be kissing her, to be curled up beside her as she softly slept.
“Jesus,” he muttered. “I’m not living in a damned romance novel.”
Sebastian looked at him and squinted. “You say something?”
Topher shook his head. “Ignore me. My head’s all messed up.”
“Which one?” he said with a wink.
Toph nodded. “Guilty as charged. Not sure which head is more messed up right now, to be honest.”
Sebastian flicked a wet towel toward his friend’s crotch. “It’s easiest if that’s the screwed-up one, because all it takes is an hour with a bird to fix it,” he said, then tapped Topher’s head. “If it’s this head, then you’re pretty much out of luck.”
The two men laughed, only Topher was really just half laughing, since he knew his buddy was spot-on.
“Here I am in my happy place, and it’s keeping me from feeling particularly happy,” Topher said. “And the thing of it is I didn’t ask for it. I was going on, minding my own business, when she just sort of fell into my lap. And how amazing it was when she was in my lap... But then just as quickly she disappeared.”
“It’s how they do it,” Sebastian said, scratching the two-day beard growth on his chin. The two of them never bothered to shave much while out on the boat. “You just need to figure out how to toughen up and move on. The way I see it, they’re a dime a dozen. The best policy is to love the one you’re with.”
Topher knit his brows and looked at Sebastian. “God, I hope that’s not a proposition.”
Sebastian roared with laughter. “I’d no sooner settle for you than the man on the moon,” he said. “At least the man on the moon’s got something to offer me.”
Topher crooked an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? Like what?”
Sebastian looked skyward as the moon began to climb the early night sky. “If you look closely, it looks as if there are some holes in it. Give me a hole, and I can make use of it.”
Toph shook his head. “I’m not gonna touch that one with a ten-foot pole.”
“And likewise with you, mate!”
~*~
The two men prepared a meal of grilled spiny Caribbean lobsters along with a salad. Just as they were finishing it up, Topher heard his text message ding, which was strange, as he rarely heard from anyone when he was out here.
He grabbed his phone and opened it up to a text from an unrecognizable number, though one from back home. For a minute he got his hopes up, only to realize it was Clementine.
Hey Toph! What is up with you? You’re probably wondering why I’m texting you when you’re clear across the ocean on God-knows-what-island. I can’t even begin to guess where you are! Where are you? Anyhow, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. But I thought I’d participate in a little subterfuge on your behalf.
Topher’s brow scrunched up out of concern, wondering what in the hell Adrian’s valet, who just happened to be Darcy’s sister, was doing contacting him. Sure they’d been friends over the years, but not the kind who would reach out across an ocean just to say “hi.”
So I was just chatting with a mutual friend today... You might know who I’m talking about—she’s super cute, curly brown hair, hazel eyes. And, well, she didn’t tell me everything, but she did tell me enough... Oh, but I am sworn to secrecy, so I won’t tell you what she told me. So I won’t even tell you if I now know for a fact if that rumor about the royal brothers is true. Hee hee! Just joking! Or maybe I’m not!
He rolled his eyes. A while back, his brother Adrian had been exposed as having a particularly large, uh, package. Seems when he was being fitted for some fashion event in Milan—a fundraiser for one of his father’s charities—the men in charge of being sure his pants fit “just so” went public with how very snugly they did fit. Poor Adrian was fit... to be tied, that is.
And Zander, well, Zander had his own way of broadcasting his gifts, by stripping naked in a Vegas swimming pool and having his assets displayed in tabloids the world over. From then on, the cocks of the Monafortian princes had become the stuff of lore. Nothing like a little crass objectification. But the way Topher saw it, if men could do it to women, then they too ought to be fair game. Besides, at least they weren’t known for being particularly diminutive. That would definitely be worse, at least from their perspective.
So anyhow, as I said, I had drinks with Pips, and I have to tell you, Toph, I think she’s got the hots for you. I’ve never seen Pippa so distracted before. And I think she was sort of depressed now that you’re gone. I know she questioned if what she did was stupid. But I think she thinks she was doing you a big favor. Even though I tried to tell her she’d be doing you a bigger favor if she hadn’t dumped you like that. But you know how stubborn Pippa can be. So I just wanted to let you know I’ve got your back on this one, because I have Pip’s back, and I want this to work for her because I think she really does as well, if only she’d admit it. I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to orchestrate this, but trust me. It’s on my to-do list.
Topher heaved a sigh. Clearly there was no question but that whatever happened had become public knowledge. Which meant he’d made the right decision to get far away from all that nonsense. If only getting far from it didn’t mean being so far from the woman at the center of this whole mess. He wasn’t quite sure what to say to Clementine, but he needed to acknowledge that he got her message at least, so he started to type.
Well, I sure didn’t expect to have you hunt me down in the middle of the ocean. I suppose the world’s smaller than we all think. I guess you’re in on my secret. Hopefully not you and all Monaforte. Though I trust by now it’s been broadcast far and wide. God forbid I ever get away from stupid things that happened half a lifetime ago.
He took a deep breath.
I don’t know why Pippa left. You probably know better than me. I wish we’d had a chance to talk some more. But that wasn’t going to happen. Then I just couldn’t put up with all the nonsense from my brothers, so I decided to come back here right away. I don’t have to put up with all the family dynamics when I’m out here, and that’s fine by me. If only I could get Pippa out here too, it would be just about perfect. So feel free to work your charms on her. I’m sure I’d in no way be persuasive with her, so perhaps you’re my only chance. There’s a grilled Anageda lobster in it for you, eaten on the stern of a forty-foot catamaran while floating in the calm waters of Drake Channel.
Of course, if he was to treat her to a lobster dinner on the back of the sailboat, that would mean Clementine would be here, which would be a little hairy if he actually had Pippa here as well. Not exactly easy to find privacy on a boat the size of a tennis court.
Chapter Eight
CLEMENTINE had struggled earlier in the year, as her father had passed away unexpectedly. It had been a tough several months, and so it was with renewed excitement that she hosted a surprise birthday party for her dear friend Pippa.
“Okay guys,” she said to the crowd gathered in the large living room of her family’s estate. “Thank you all so much for coming. Pip’s gonna absolutely freak out when she shows up and we all scare the crap out of her. So I need you guys to be completely silent when she pulls up. It’s going to be so awesome.”
As she worked her way through the crowd, she bumped into Zander, who
stood in a corner with his hands all over his officially Very Serious Girlfriend Andi, who as an unexpected guest at Adrian’s wedding had made her debut as Zander’s significant other.
“Z, so glad to see you know what to do with those hands,” Clementine said, razzing him. “Here I thought you only knew how to use them on yourself.”
Zander fake laughed. “In deference to your emotional state over the past however many months, I’ll pretend you didn’t say that,” he said. “Although have you ever considered a career as a comedian?”
“Aww, Zander, you know I love you. Just giving you a taste of your own medicine is all,” Clementine said. “And a segue into my warning you not to say anything that is going to upset Pippa. I think she’s still furious with you, and it was a risk I chose to take including you on the guest list tonight. Which means you have an unwritten social contract with me to keep your mouth shut. Got it?”
She then extended her hand out to Andi. “Hi! I know we met at the wedding, but it was all a blur,” she said. “I’m so happy you’ve finally tamed the beast. You’ll find him to be irrepressibly charming yet sometimes confoundingly irritating.”
“All the above and then some,” Andi said with a broad smile as she shook Clem’s hand. “Of course I remember you, and thanks for the warning. I’ve also read the riot act to Zander so that he doesn’t upset Pippa tonight. He’s sworn to be on his best behavior.”
“More like she threatened to cut me off if I said anything.”
“Whatever it takes, Alexander,” Clem said. Then she pointed at her eyes with two fingers then one at him. “I’m watching you, buddy.”
Zander spread his hand and jokingly put his palm toward Clementine’s face to push her away.
“I think I hear the caterers calling for you,” he said, cupping his ear with his hand as if listening through the din of the crowd.
~*~
Pippa just did not want to go out. It had rained all day, and the humidity did nothing for her hair, so once again she pulled it back into her trademark braid, but spare bits of it escaped the attempt at taming and frizzled around her face as if zapped by a bolt of lightning. After trying to tamp them down for a few minutes, she gave up, threw on a threadbare pair of jeans and her dingiest old sweater, spurning even the simplest application of makeup, and hopped in her car. She’d given strong thought to showing up in her pajamas; she was that not into going out into this cold, dreary night.
Love is in the Heir Page 4