He nodded. “Would you like to go for a ride tomorrow?”
Ellie’s heart lurched as she looked back out at Penny. She wanted this, but a part of her held back. Was it because of Landon? Because of something she just couldn’t find a way to remember?
“I don’t know,” she hedged, casting her eyes down and searching for any excuse that might seem reasonable. “What if I can’t remember how to ride? I don’t want to end up falling and hurting everything again. I mean, seriously, the last thing I need is another injury to add to my collection.”
“Don’t be afraid,” he said, craning his neck and forcing her to look at him. When she did, he smiled. “How about we just have a lesson then instead? We’ll take it from the very beginning, and we’ll go slow. I promise to do my best to keep you safe from further injury. You have my word on that.”
Landon leaned closer to Ellie, but she didn’t move back. Instead she welcomed him into her space, sensing his words had meant something far more important than learning to ride horses.
When she didn’t give an answer, Landon pulled away from her once more, as he said, “Besides, I suspect riding a horse is a lot like riding a bike. Once you know how to do it, I’m sure you couldn’t possibly forget.”
She closed her eyes briefly as the words hit her, and as soon as she did, she saw her nightmare man pulling her back into the fog. “But I’ve forgotten everything else. What makes you think I’ll remember this?”
The sound of a horse snorting broke the silence as she waited for him to reply. Her eyes shot open and all she could see was the friendly cowboy before her. He wanted to help her, so why was she being so difficult?
“You might think you’ve forgotten,” he pointed out, emphasizing each word as he spoke. “But I’m going to do everything I can to help you remember.”
The earnestness in his voice made her believe it, made her let down her guard, and say, “Okay.”
Chapter 9
The next morning, Ellie checked the mirror once more and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. Smiling to herself, she couldn’t help but think how mortified her mother would be if she were here right now. In the time Ellie had stayed with her after the accident, all she’d heard was how the real Ellie would never be caught in public with a ponytail in her hair and no makeup on her face.
Today, she had applied a touch of mascara to go with her lip gloss. And though she’d stopped there, Ellie had debated putting on a full face of concealer, foundation, and bronzer to help hide her scars from Landon’s attentive eye. But in the end, she’d decided wearing all that makeup for riding seemed a bit much and might give Landon the wrong idea.
Making her way outside, Ellie closed her eyes and lifted her face to the warmth of the sun. Birds still sung from high atop the trees that dotted the landscape. Their voices had been the first thing she’d heard upon waking this morning, and she suspected they’d be with her the whole day long. She liked that, knowing she could count on something.
Ellie approached the corral with a slight spring in her step, made even springier by the fact she still had a bit of a limp. Her favorite horse, Penny, lifted her head from where she stood grazing on the far side of the enclosure. There were a few other horses in the pen with Penny who glanced Ellie’s way, only briefly interrupted from their morning grazing routine. Liz had told her they had several large pastures dispersed across the ranch and that that’s where a lot of the horses would be. Most stayed in the larger pens on the opposite side of the property where they could enjoy the fresh grass and a broader expanse of land. They were only brought up to the smaller pens for very specific reasons like injury, pregnancy, or rehabilitation. The latter was the case for Penny, and even though Ellie would miss being able to see the gentle brown mare from her cabin window, she sincerely hoped that Penny would soon find herself in the bigger pasture with the others.
Despite arriving at the exact time Landon had specified, Ellie couldn’t find him anywhere. Remembering that patience was, indeed, a virtue—even though she secretly wished she could have grabbed a few more minutes sleep—she loped over to the fence to spend some time with the horses as she waited. She leaned against the top rail and put her hand out to see if she could coax any of them over. She half expected to get bitten, but the other half of her knew just how silly that fear was.
Her dad had told Ellie that she used to love being around horses, otherwise she’d never have let him convince her to check in at the ranch. Even though her emotional memory was badly broken, her muscle memory would take over once she hopped on the saddle. Oh, she hoped that would be the case! Otherwise, catching up on Liz’s three re’s would be even harder than expected.
As Ellie tried to remember what the third re stood for, a light colored horse stepped toward her with spindly knees. Ellie’s heart raced as it drew near, but as soon as she was able to see it up close, a refreshing calmness washed over her. There was no mistaking the gentleness in this creature’s eyes. Although it had huge teeth and strong legs, it would never knowingly hurt her. She knew that now.
“Well, aren’t you just the sweetest thing ever?” Ellie cooed as she reached up to stroke the horse’s long neck.
The gentle animal stepped closer, obviously enjoying the attention as he pushed his head onto her shoulder. Ellie laughed and moved one hand to the other side of his neck to make sure she gave equal attention to the whole expanse of coarse, scratchy hair. She leaned her head into the warmth of his and let herself enjoy the feeling of peace that came over her.
“I guess my dad was right,” Ellie said with a laugh of disbelief. She would never have believed she’d feel such a strong bond with these animals, but even these few stolen moments with this gentle creature had shown her just how much she must have always loved them.
No longer afraid, Ellie hauled herself over the fence, careful not to rattle any of her still healing bones. It hurt, but a good kind of hurt—a familiar hurt. She moved up beside the horse and stroked his sides as his tail whipped back and forth in an attempt to keep the bugs away.
As much as she was enjoying the company of this horse, Ellie still found herself seeking out Penny on the opposite side of the enclosure. Poor thing! She could even see the fear in the horse’s eyes from here, and she would give anything to be the one to make her feel better at last, to move toward the life she deserved, the one she was owed.
Creeping toward her with the utmost care, Ellie put her hands out in front to show that she had nothing that could hurt her—just as she had seen Landon do the day before. “It’s okay, girl. I promise I’m not going to hurt you.” She spoke the words quietly, hoping to soothe the horse as she approached.
Still, Penny’s eyes never left hers.
“What happened to you, sweet girl? Who hurt you so bad?” If she kept talking, would it ease the horse’s fear? Even though she didn’t have the same experience Landon did, could she somehow reach this horse? Could she find a way to help?
Ellie had journeyed halfway across the pen when Penny backed up with an agitated whinny, stomping her feet at Ellie in warning.
Of course, Ellie knew she was being foolish to think she’d be able to touch the horse when the trained professionals hadn’t even been able to. But there was something in the horse’s gaze that just begged her to try.
It was as though she sensed a comrade in Ellie—that she knew she’d been hurt, too. And now that she thought of it, she identified with Penny herself. Wasn’t her mother basically trying to turn her into a show pony, but instead of strutting around equestrian events, she’d strolled the catwalks of Paris? She doubted her mother had ever hit her, but she’d certainly kept Ellie in a pen, confined by the dreams she had for her daughter. What if Ellie wanted to run free? What if she wanted to gallop?
Ellie chuckled softly. “Now you’ve got me thinking crazy thoughts, you silly horse.”
Penny snorted nervously in reply, but she didn’t make any additional effort to move away.
Once they were only a f
ew feet apart, Ellie stopped and reached her hands out. “C’mon, sweetheart. You know you want someone to pet you.”
Penny’s eyes looked at the outstretched hands and she stepped to the side, shaking her head dramatically back and forth and flinging spittle at in Ellie in the process.
Still, Ellie refused to give up on her. She felt a special connection with Penny, and she was pretty sure the horse sensed it, too. Carefully taking another step closer, Ellie felt Penny’s breath on her hand as she snorted again. “It’s okay, Penny. I won’t hurt you,” she repeated.
She saw herself reflected in the large, black eyes as she closed the rest of the distance between them. That was when she felt Penny accede. She’d longed for a friend, for a touch of human kindness, and now—
“Hey! What are you doing?” Landon shouted from somewhere behind them, startling both Ellie and Penny.
Ellie jumped back just as the horse reared up, and she jolted back out of its way before either of them could get hurt. Unfortunately, the injured human was no match for the spooked horse when it came to either speed or strength.
As Penny whipped past, Ellie lost her footing and crashed onto the earth below. She landed on her front, keeping her head covered by her hands. When she knew she was no longer in danger of getting trampled on, she pushed herself onto her knees and glared at the man who now stood before her with a concerned expression pinching his features together.
“Ellie, are you all right?” he asked, practically out of breath as he dropped to his haunches to inspect her for fresh injuries.
“I’m fine, no thanks to you,” she growled, pulling away from his touch. “Why did you have to shout like that? You know how Penny is, and we’d… she’d almost let me touch her. You ruined everything. Now I doubt she’ll ever let me close to her again!”
“I…” Landon sputtered. Instead of finishing his thought, he put his hand out to help her regain her footing.
Ellie ignored it and struggled up on her own, avoiding his gaze as she bent over to brush all the dirt off her clothes. “Just leave me alone,” she grumbled, wondering how easily she could slip past him to hit the trail back to her cabin. Would he try to follow, or would he have the good sense to let her leave?
“Well, excuse me!” he burst out, startling her. “I wasn’t expecting to see the woman who said she can’t even remember if she likes horses standing right next to our most dangerous horse in the field. She’s almost trampled me more times than I can count. You’re a guest here on the ranch and we are supposed to make sure you don’t get hurt—not welcome you into a pen with a horse that could kill you.”
She lifted her eyes and squinted slightly. “I’m a grown woman. I’m pretty sure I can make my own decisions.” But even as she said the words, Ellie knew she had, indeed, been foolish to get so close to Penny. Landon was right, but like heck she’d admit that. Her pride stung and her limbs ached. She’d had more than enough for one morning.
Landon crossed his arms in front of his chest and raised one defiant eyebrow. “If you had the sense, you’d have stayed out of the pen.”
“Well, I guess, according to you, I don’t have sense. Is that settled? Because I’m going now.” She huffed as she swung herself back over the fence. Everything hurt so bad she almost cried, but luckily the tears stayed hidden for the moment.
“Where are you going? It’s time for your riding lesson.” Landon’s voice called out from behind her.
She didn’t even bother to look back. “Yeah, I’m going to pass on that. I mean, we’ve already established that I have no sense and shouldn’t be around horses if I can help it. So thanks, but no thanks. And goodbye.” She didn’t care if she sounded like a spoiled child who had just been reprimanded.
She couldn’t even stand to look at Landon right now, but even more than him, she was angry with herself. Is that what would happen when she had all her memories back—that she’d constantly find new ways to be disappointed in herself? Because if so, maybe forgetting wasn’t actually the worst thing in the world.
Chapter 10
A few days later, Ellie’s father came to visit her at the ranch. Other than her argument with Landon at the corral, her transition to ranch life had been a smooth one. She enjoyed the chores Liz assigned each day, and she did her best to be open and honest in group therapy as well as in her private sessions. Still, no matter how much she searched, no matter how much she shared, the nightmares stayed with her night-in and night-out. Each time she managed to get a little closer before her mystery man disappeared, but every single time he disappeared at the last second—just like Penny had run away from her so eagerly the other morning, too.
As much as she felt she belonged here and as much as she believed all the therapy and healing exercises were helping, it also felt so good to be in her father’s company again. He was something that was all hers, and she loved that.
“So, have you had a chance to get out riding yet?” he asked Ellie as they set up a private picnic lunch up by the main house. “I know once you get in that saddle again, everything will come back to you.”
She licked a glob of mayonnaise off her thumb, savoring the taste of it and wondering if it had always been her favorite. “I haven’t yet,” she admitted, feeling his curious eyes on her. “I was going to have a lesson the other day, but it ended up not happening. And I’m not really confident enough to go off on my own yet.”
Her father actually laughed at her misery. Maybe she’d been too flippant in her response, but she doubted talking about boys and confused feelings with her dear old dad was the right call here.
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll be fine,” he said with a brief wave of his hand. “You used to ride all the time when you were little. I’d take you out to the stables where I worked and you’d spend hours upon hours glued to the back of a horse.” He cleared his throat and looked down at the sandwich in his hand. “Although I guess after I left you likely wouldn’t have had many chances to go riding.”
Ellie nodded, keeping her focus on the egg salad sandwich before her as she spoke. “Yeah, Mom says I haven’t been anywhere near a horse since you moved away. She used that little tidbit to try to talk me out of coming. I’m really glad I didn’t listen to her, but I probably at least need lessons. A lot has changed since I was a little girl, you know?”
Her father looked at her with a sad smile. “I suppose you’re right. It just breaks my heart to know you had to lose something you loved so much as a little girl just because I left. I should have tried harder to make sure I could still see you and take you riding.”
Ellie saw her chance and grabbed it without hesitation. “If you don’t mind me asking…” she started, keeping close watch over her father’s reaction. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she needed to learn the important details of her life somehow.
When he gave no indication of wanting to change the topic, she continued, “What happened between you and Mom? I mean, I’ve heard the fighting between you two while I was recovering from the accident, but I don’t know the actual events that brought all of us to this point. The only thing I know is that Mom says you abandoned us and never bothered to come back to see me. That’s not true, is it?”
Ellie supposed she should feel sad about having been the product of the broken home, but she had absolutely no connection to the events that so clearly shaped her life. Not anymore. And she still had a hard time reconciling the sob story her mother told with the honorable man she’d come to know in the past few weeks.
He swallowed his bite of turkey sandwich and glanced past Ellie toward the horses in the distant pasture. She thought he wasn’t going to answer, but after a few silent minutes passed, he cleared his throat and began. “I know I haven’t been a good father, but I promise you I tried. Things didn’t end well between your mother and me, and I guess in my anger I decided it was just easier to stay away than keep fighting her at every turn. I told myself you’d be better off without me, but I know now I should have tried much harder than
I did.”
Ellie set her half-eaten sandwich aside, her heart aching for the little girl she’d been. “But why did you have to move so far away?”
Once more, he turned and fixed his eyes on the horizon, unable to look at his daughter as he made this painful revelation. “Well, I guess I just wanted to go home. You see, I grew up in Alaska. But when I met your mom on a trip to California, I fell hard and ended up walking away from everything else in my life. I guess I’d believed nothing else mattered as long as I was in love.”
He shook his head sadly and let out a strained laugh. “It didn’t take me long to figure out that sometimes life just doesn’t work that way. When my father took sick and I needed to come home to look after him and the family ranch, your mother refused to come with me. I guess I can’t really blame her for not wanting to pack up and move here, and give up her life in California. But I’d hoped since we were a family she would at least try. Leaving you behind was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And at the time, I truly believed it was something I had to do.”
Ellie reached across the table and grabbed his hand, bringing his eyes back to hers. “How old was I?” she asked gently, feeling both connected and not connected to this important story from her past.
“You were about seven. I’d lived in California for nine years by then, and while I’ll never regret having you, I do regret turning my back on who I was and leaving my father alone at a time when he needed me for so long. I guess I was just young and in love and wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself. As they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty.”
He looked down at his tightly clenched hand in Ellie’s on the grainy wood surface of the table. And Ellie wondered if he knew how much his words were resonating with her now. He’d walked away from who he was, turned his back on his home… Is that what I’m doing now? Or is it what I’d already done before the accident? Just who am I meant to be?
Memories of Home Page 5