by Mia Madison
I can’t move. He has me against the door, but also, I just don’t have the strength anymore. My legs are shaking, weak, and I’m grateful to the door for holding me up. I can’t focus on anything but what his mouth is doing to me. His fingers opening me up to his hot, wet mouth, his tongue, his lips on the most sensitive part of me, every nerve alive, on edge and wanting more.
He breathes warm air onto my wetness, and I cry out. He licks me again, and I am shameless in grinding my body against him. He pauses and I beg him, “Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.” And then he takes my clit between his lips and sucks, hard, and I come apart. The whole room seems to shatter around me.
He grasps my legs for a moment, holding me steady. I’m still in shock at my reaction. Did he just...? Did I just...? I did! I feel the blood rush to my face. My heart pounds. And then he picks me up, my dress rucked up, my panties still around my legs and carries me along the hall toward my bedroom. This whole thing is out of control. I’m out of control.
I hammer on his back. I need to stop him. “Hey! I can walk.” In truth, I’m not sure if my legs are up to it, but he puts me down. “Just helping a friend,” he says, cupping my chin, his voice all husky and tight. “Are we just friends?”
Friends don’t do what we just did. But I can’t answer him.
“Toby!” I say, desperate to get away from Ewan’s searching eyes. He can see right into me, my confusion. I don’t want that.
“Yes, your dog.”
“He’ll need to go out for a walk.”
“Right now?” I can tell he’s exasperated.
“Yes.” Ewan is going to think I’m totally nuts. What am I doing?
“You go wandering out at this time of night?”
“It’s safe around here.”
“If he has to go for a walk, I’ll come with you.”
CHAPTER 12
Ewan
The dog shows no sign of wanting to be walked. Lara has to nudge him awake, and he just about grumbles when she puts the lead on him, but I give her space and don’t say a word about it. I guess she needs time to think about whatever this is, and I don’t want to scare her off. She rearranges her clothes and shoves a coat over her dress, and we are out of there.
We take Toby into the woods where he makes a half-hearted attempt and cocks his leg and then whines as if it say, “For fuck’s sake, I’ve had enough of this. Let me back inside.”
And so we go back, without a word about the charade. It was enough to break the mood, but not my need to see Lara again.
“You can’t stay over,” she blurts out as we get to her front door. “I’m not going to sleep with you.”
“Doesn’t friends with benefits mean that?”
“I changed my mind.”
“So that means we’re back to friends without benefits?”
She doesn’t say anything.
“You don’t want to be friends at all?”
She gulps. “Maybe it’s easier like that.”
“Not easier for me.”
“I’m sorry.” She can’t even look at me.
“Okay, then.” I’m not going to force my company on her. It hurts, but if that’s the way it is, so be it. I fish my car keys out of my pocket. She’s not even inviting me to go back inside, as if she doesn’t trust me or herself to get behind the front door again.
“Bye, then,” she says, uncertainly.
I kiss her cheek, pride not allowing me to show any emotion. If she knew me better, she’d know how much this is affecting me. But I only just met her, so I manage to save face. I get in my car and drive off without looking back.
My decision to just deal with this and not see her again lasts precisely two minutes. Remembering the evening we just had, I know she doesn’t mean what she says. She’s fighting some shit situation from her past, not me.
I want to go back and bang on her door to let me in, but that would really scare the living daylights out of her, and it’s not my style. This needs a subtle approach.
CHAPTER 13
Lara
I shut the door with a sob. I sent him away! Again. And I think he’ll stay away this time. For good. Toby trots back into the kitchen and into his basket.
It’s not Ewan’s fault. Stupid, stupid me. Getting scared, running away from what could have been good, just because I made up my mind a long time ago never to have to deal with any kind of crap from men. Never to get pulled down as low as my parents. And every time I’ve forgotten that, and I’ve not followed my own rule, has been a disaster. But the guy at school, and the one at college, are not Ewan, and he’s not my father. And I am not my mother.
I want to go after Ewan, but it’s too late. He’s gone, and I’ve had too much wine to drive.
Should I call him? The way he left, he’s going to ignore me, isn’t he? The stupid woman who can’t make up her own mind, the kind who rejects a good guy too many times.
The thought of trying to see him at the fire station makes me feel hot with shame. What if he’s not there? What if he is? I’m not sure which is worse. All the firefighters casting me knowing looks. And me no better than all the women who were getting their cars washed on Saturday with their tongues hanging out, hoping to catch the eye of a fireman.
I get ready for bed, taking off the dress that he loved, wiping away the makeup, and every step takes me further away from the part of the evening before I messed everything up. I see myself in the future, getting older, working three jobs, coming home to this or even the house I want. That doesn’t feel peaceful now so much as lonely.
My phone buzzes as I get into bed, and my heart leaps. He called me!
But it’s my mother, wanting to talk about my cousin Jenny’s wedding again, my cousin who my mother thought would never get married, and now she’s walking down the aisle with the love of her life.
What is it with mothers and weddings? They love those things. They want to go to them. They want to talk about them. They want their kids to go through them even though they never had the fairytale ending themselves, far from it.
But I guess she likes to think that not all marriages are like hers. She keeps saying she hopes I’ll get married “one of these days.” I just keep putting her off.
I’ve been pushing the Jenny wedding event from my mind, letting my mother organize the whole visit. When I get home at the weekend, I’ll see the gift she bought for me, and I’ll just give her the money. And she’ll have picked out a dress or something for me to wear. If it’s terrible, I’ll return it and go on a quick shopping trip, but it will probably do.
This time, my mother is on about Jenny’s friend from college, Paul, who has just split from his fiancée, and how I should be nice to him. Apparently, the seating plans are being rearranged so I’ll be sitting right next to him.
This is a step too far. Getting paired off by your mother. “That’s not a good idea,” I tell her. Jessica’s choices for blind dates are bad enough. I definitely don’t want to be a consolation prize for a guy who is heartbroken.
“Why?” she asks.
“I’ve been seeing someone.”
That keeps my mother quiet for a moment while the news sinks in, but I immediately regret my words. I know it won’t be long before I get the inevitable third degree.
“You have a boyfriend? You didn’t mention him. Why not bring him? I’m sure Jenny won’t mind. I’ll speak to Sarah. She’ll probably be frazzled, because Jenny changes everything all the time, but I’m sure your aunt won’t mind about this. She’s always asking me when it’s going to be your turn.”
She doesn’t know how little danger there is of Ewan coming to the wedding, given I’ll probably never see him again.
But my mother doesn’t give me a chance to respond. “Well, that changes things. I’ll get right back to Jenny before she rearranges the seating plan. When are you coming home? The night before? I can’t wait to meet him.”
I roll my eyes. Tomorrow, I’ll have to call and tell her that my friend can’t mak
e it, but I can’t cope with explaining just now. Why did I say anything? I should have just put up with Paul, whoever he is and whatever state he’s in. We could have been miserable together.
My phone beeps again, setting my heart pounding. But this time it’s Jessica. I can’t even face speaking to her. I just text her back, “Can’t talk now. Catch you tomorrow.” She probably thinks I’m still with Ewan and that makes me shed hot tears, because that could easily have been what was happening right now, if I hadn’t let my fear of letting go take over my brain.
*
The clouds are heavy when I look out the next day. The weather matches my mood perfectly. By the time I shower and throw on some clothes to take Toby out, the rain is coming down in torrents and splattering off the windows.
It’s going to be a long day at the office. And it is exactly that. A long day. Tedious stuff to do.
Normally, on a Tuesday like this, I would look forward to a night in with Toby, catching up with chores or just sitting in my cottage with the TV or a book. But when I get home, the chores stay undone, my book unopened, and every channel seems to be showing a re-run of something that wasn’t worth airing the first time.
I don’t even feel hungry, which must be a first. It may be my imagination, but I’m sure I catch Toby giving me the side eye like even he can’t believe what I did to bring this misery on myself.
I think about calling my mother. I’ll have to do it soon, before it’s too late to let the wedding caterers know. But it’s not her I want to contact. All I can think about is Ewan.
So I get my phone out to text. What do I have to lose that I haven’t already lost? Nothing but my pride when he ignores me or tells me where to go. What can I say that will make him want to see me again?
CHAPTER 14
Ewan
Okay, so standing outside a girl’s house holding the strings of a dozen heart-shaped balloons is not the subtle approach I had in mind, but a day of not seeing Lara or hearing from her, of not knowing where I stand, has wiped any idea of being subtle from my brain.
If Cooper ever finds out what I’m doing right now, I’ll never live it down. He’s always saying, “if one chick doesn’t stack up, onto the next and don’t look back.” That’s all very well when every woman is interchangeable, but it’s not how I feel about Lara.
When she answers the door, my heart is in my throat. But she looks from me to the balloons and her face lights up. She throws her arms around me, her phone clattering to the hall floor. “I was just going to call you,” she says. “But I didn’t know what to say.”
“I only came by to bring you these.” I nod up at the balloons. “Some crazy guy left them with me to give to you. He thought you might like them.”
“I do like them. I love them.” She laughs out loud, her face beaming.
She pulls me inside and plants her lips on mine. For someone who sent me away less than a day ago, it’s a swift change of heart, but I’m not complaining. I gather her up in my arms, still clutching the balloons, and show her how much I missed her, the stupid things bopping above our heads.
She looks up at them again and grins at me. “I was just going to make dinner. Do you like pizza?”
“Does anyone not like pizza? But I’m on nights this week. I’ll have to go.”
Toby runs in and out of our legs as if he doesn’t want to be left out of whatever is going on.
“Sorry I sent you away,” Lara says.
“I’m sorry too. But I came back.”
“I noticed that.”
“I’ll get going and give you a chance to think about what you’re going to do with me.”
“I know that already. I’ll give you a clue.” She starts to unbutton my shirt and plants kisses down my chest to my stomach.
My cock leaps into action, and I let go of the balloons. The helium in them sends them right up to the ceiling. “Give a man a break. I’ll never get to work if you do that.”
She laughs as if delighted at the effect she had and stands up. “Just one of the...er...benefits...of giving a girl balloons.”
“Can we go out somewhere at the weekend?”
She nods and then says, “Oh no, not this weekend. I have a wedding to go to.”
“Don’t tell me I’m too late,” I tease. “You’re already taken.”
“No, it’s my cousin’s wedding. It will be a drag, but I have to go.”
“You don’t like weddings?”
“Not especially.”
“I knew there was something different about you.”
“If you like them so much, you come with me then. That will serve you right.”
“I accept.”
“You’ll come? I thought men hated weddings.”
“I thought all women loved them. So there you go.”
“My mother and aunties think these things are a great opportunity to pair me off with someone ‘suitable.’ It’s about as cringe-worthy as it sounds.”
“Don’t worry. My mother is the same. She lives in hope.”
“As if weddings are even a good idea. Though it’s not the wedding that puts me off so much as what comes after.”
“The honeymoon?”
She laughs. “No, the marriage.”
“They’re not all bad. Sometimes they even work out. My parents are still going strong. Where’s the wedding?”
“The old church at Benfield.”
“Oh, not far from my old stomping ground.”
“You lived there?”
“Yes, not far. We lived in Castle Hill for a few years. I’m working, but I’ll see if I can swap shifts.”
“My mother will want us to stay after the reception. I’ll never hear the last of it if we don’t.”
I only hesitate slightly. Mothers are not my thing. I can imagine when she sees me, she’ll think I’m too old for Lara. But we can cross that bridge when we come to it.
And in any case, I don’t think for long, because suddenly I look at Lara and I’m kissing her like it doesn’t matter that I should have left for work five minutes ago.
When we draw apart, it feels like all is right with the world again, and that nothing could possibly go wrong.
CHAPTER 15
Lara
I meet Jessica for an after-work shopping trip. I can’t rely on my mom’s choice or on the little that Benfield clothes stores have to offer anymore. And Doug has asked me to work at the vet clinic for the next two evenings.
“I can hardly believe I’m hearing this. You wanting to get to know some guy better. Inviting him to a wedding. So romantic. You know what happens at weddings,” Jessica says, a dreamy look on her face.
“Yes. I’ve been to one of those wedding things before. There’s generally a bride and groom and they say words and stuff and sign something...anyway, I guess I invited him, because he’s not ‘some guy.’ He’s Ewan.”
“Don’t get me wrong. I like it. Finally. Hallelujah. Lara finds a man she likes enough to risk a third date.” She rakes through what seems like a hundred dresses on the rack, rejecting every one I pick. “I know you want pretty, but is that enough? Don’t you want to make heads turn like you do in your black dress?”
“No.”
She looks at me doubtfully.
But I’m on sure ground here. “That’s for the bride to do. Not me. If Ewan thinks I look nice, that will do.”
At last, she picks out a dress. Toby will be crossing his legs if I don’t get home. “How about this one?”
I love it. It’s a soft jersey sheath dress in a coral shade, fitted but not too tight, and with the prettiest twisted neckline giving it an edge over plainer dresses. I try it on and it looks just right on me. It’s expensive, but Jessica says she’ll lend me shoes that go, so I don’t have to splurge there too. It’s just as well we’re the same size.
*
I’m nervous about Ewan meeting my mother. I hope she’s not going to go over the top, just because he’s the first guy I’ve brought home. I haven’t expl
ained to her about our relationship, that I’m going to keep it cool, that we are just friends with benefits.
I won’t even have a chance to see him before Saturday when he’s picking me up. Maybe I can explain to him on the way to the wedding about my mother not knowing how we stand.
Jessica was indignant on my behalf when I told her about Ewan only being a friend with benefits. “You didn’t let him get away with that? Have I taught you nothing?”
“It wasn’t him. I suggested it.”
She rolls her eyes and gives me a hug. “One of these days, I’ll understand what’s going on in that skull of yours. I know. I know. Your Dad. The boyfriend who went off with your friend when you were seventeen. The guy at college. Men can’t be trusted. But for the record, let me just say I think you’re bananas and not being honest with yourself. I think you want more, but you just won’t admit it. You might feel safer not letting yourself get into anything, but you deserve more than safe.”
*
It’s almost time to get ready for the wedding when Ewan and I arrive at Mom’s house on Saturday. And I find that benefits are not even on the agenda. Mom has put us in different rooms. She wants me paired off, it seems, but not under her roof. She’s always been a little old-fashioned. But thinking about it, it’s also a relief. I can’t see my mother’s thin walls and my first time with Ewan being a happy combination.
Ewan only sees my coral dress once I get changed. He lets out a slow whistle. “I’m going to have to fend off all the other men at the wedding. You look stunning.” He kisses me briefly, in deference to my mother who is saying how lovely I look, too. The compliments make me glad I splurged on my outfit.
It’s a church wedding followed by a reception at a local hotel. Aunty Sarah calls in a panic, and Mom goes over there to help with some minor last-minute crisis about nail polish on a bridesmaid’s dress. She’s going to travel to the church with the bridal party. Ewan and I slip into the door of the old picture-postcard church and take a pew near the back just before the bride arrives. The bridal music starts up on the organ and we all stand, craning our heads to get a first look at the bride.