This Girl Stripped

by Dawn Robertson

  “Only you, Paisley. Only you…” he whispers to me and I feel his body start to tense. My body convulses with the pleasure of my second orgasm of the night as I feel him come deep inside me.

  Sometime after three in the morning, we passed out naked and exhausted from making love a half dozen times. Each time we would try and pry our bodies apart, they would gravitate back toward each other.

  The light started peaking through the curtains and I had no desire to wake up. Pulling the blankets over my head, I reach out for Diesel, only for my arm to meet an empty bed. Where did he go?

  I blink my eyes open and look around. Nothing is different from last night. My clothes are still thrown on the hardwood floor next to his. Pulling the sheet up to wrap around my body, I make my way down the cold hallway searching for him.

  I pause when I can hear him quietly talking on the phone. Maybe talking to another person out on the front porch?

  “No, I didn’t cheat on you,” he pleaded. “Its Paisley in there. I told you I was falling for her.” I can hear the rumble of another mans voice.

  “You know the fuckin’ rules. Share or its cheating. You can’t keep her to yourself. It doesn’t work like that, Diesel.” That’s when I recognize the voice. Ryker.

  “That’s bullshit, Ryker. You’ve been fuckin’ Journey all along! I haven’t complained once. I don’t want none of that. Just leave it be.” What the fuck are they talking about? Sharing? Fucking? Falling in love?

  “I love you, Diesel. But I love her too.” Ryker yells as I hear heavy footsteps stomp down the porch stairs.

  “I can’t do this anymore, Ryker. I can’t.” Diesel yells back at him as the motorcycle roars to life and pulls down the driveway. I am frozen in place. I should run back to the bedroom and pretend I didn’t just hear whatever the fuck that just was. My mind runs wild with thoughts. So much of what Diesel said to me last night made sense. It’d been a long time since he’d been with a girl. Because all that time, it had been him with Ryker. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

  The doorknob turns, and I am standing there wrapped in Diesel’s bed sheet with tears slowly beginning to stream down my face. He pauses when he sees me, knowing I heard most of that just conspired.

  “How much did you hear?” he asks as he pushes his hands through his hair and scrubs his face with his palms.

  “Too much,” I turn away from him, making my way to the bedroom where I can get dressed and call my sister for a ride home. Home, where I can nurse a nice, freshly broken heart. How? How could something like this happen? How could shit get ruined in only a couple hours.

  Apparently, I am just not meant for a fucking happily ever after.

  Leave Me Alone

  Two days later, I’m still locked in my bedroom. Diesel drove me home trying to explain some kind of fucked up relationship him and Ryker have had over the years. They are bi-sexual and in a relationship. They can share women? I don’t know. All I know is that I wanted no part of any of it.

  What boggled my mind was the fact that Journey was somehow involved with Ryker. Diesel repeatedly made it clear he wanted no part of any of it anymore. But after being in such a relationship, and living a life where he has to see Ryker almost daily, could he give it all up for me? I doubt it. I’m not naive enough to think it would all be that easy.

  You would think it was something he would’ve told me before we got involved - before we spent an amazing night together in bed. While he helped me in ways I don’t think anyone could have. He also broke me in a brand new way. I’m destined to be alone in life. I’m starting to come to terms with that. It’s all better off this way.

  I’m going to be the cat lady. I might as well start collecting them now. I shall name my first one Fluffy. Yes, Fluffy.

  God damn it! I’m losing my fucking mind. My phone buzzes and I already know it’s a text message from Diesel. He hasn’t stopped calling or texting, no matter how much I try to ignore him. He’s been at the house both days, but didn’t dare come up to my room.

  When I pick my phone up, I notice a text from River. It isn’t Diesel at all. The other man who decided to walk away from me. Awesome! What does he want?

  Thought you might need a friend. Wanna go to Maggie’s for dinner?

  How nice of him to think of me after all the bullshit he laid on me days ago. Dinner does sound good, and diner food may be exactly what I need. I won’t be able to avoid River forever. Even if I really want to. Honestly, I want to leave Woodstock again altogether. It took me what, a single month to fuck my life up here? It’s astounding I’m still alive after being on my own for so many years.

  I open the text message and reply:

  Pick me up at the house.

  Not like I had any other way of getting there. I was quickly becoming annoyed with how dependent I was on everyone else. I hated feeling so helpless. I got here with the goal of independence. Now, that is a distant memory.

  A knock on my bedroom door catches my attention as I’m walking out of my closet to get ready for dinner. When I pull the door open, Diesel is standing in front of me with a bouquet of flowers and a frown on his face. His eyes are red and puffy. He looks like I feel and it’s clear he hasn’t slept in days. I feel bad that I’ve ignored him for the past forty-eight hours now.

  “Why, Diesel? Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I don’t want to know the answer to the question, I just want him to leave, but I can’t think of anything else to say. I continue pulling out a pair of jeans and heels while he stands in the doorway trying to form a reply.

  “Going somewhere?”

  “Yeah, I’m going to Maggie’s for dinner. Why does it matter?” It shouldn’t matter to him. Nothing I say or do should matter. Why is he chasing me like this?

  “With River huh?” It’s like a slap to the face.

  “Why should it matter who I’m going with, Diesel? You’re not a single man! Whatever we had was over the minute I found that out!” I can see tears starting to well up in his eyes. I shouldn’t have been so mean. I instantly feel bad about it.

  “Paisley, listen to me. That is all over. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it sooner. I was worried it would scare you away. When you found out, it did. Can you understand why I didn’t?”

  “It hurt me, Diesel. You hurt me. When we met, I was already so fuckin’ broken, and you broke me even more. I can’t do this with you.” I’m trying my damnedest not to cry, but it isn’t working. I can feel my eyes starting to sting.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Paisley. I would never hurt you.” He takes a step toward me, and closes the door behind him.

  “Everything with Ryker is over. Paisley, it’s only you from now on. Let me in.”

  What do you say to something like that? I want to jump into his arms and kiss him all over. But I can’t. I don’t know if I can let him back in after he hurt me. Even if he didn’t mean to. I’m too vulnerable with everything I’ve been through.

  I know I shouldn’t use the past few months as an excuse or a crutch, but I have to. It’s all too fresh. I start to back away from him and get changed. I don’t care that he’s still standing right there watching me. It isn’t anything he hasn’t seen before. I battle inside my mind, trying to decide what to say to him.

  “I’m gonna have to think about it, Diesel.” That’s all I can promise him. Thoughts of another chance. Maybe I can talk to River about everything with Diesel. I know he’s probably pissed that anything happened with him at all, but he’s supposed to be my friend. The only friend I really have. Maybe he can help me shed some light on it all.

  When I turn around, he’s heading for the door. Just watching him walk away breaks my heart again. Even if I’m the one sending him away again.

  “Diesel?”

  He pauses and turns around. I take a few steps back to him and wrap my arms around his strong body. I squeeze him tight and inhale his scent, which brings me right back to our night together. I blink back my tears, and let go of him. But not before he presses
a gentle kiss to the top of my head.

  “I miss you,” I admit, as he turns for the door.

  “I miss you too, Paisley.”

  “So what did you wanna talk about, Paisley?” River isn’t pulling any punches, even though he’s the one who invited me out to dinner, I made it clear that I needed his advice on something when we were in the car on the way here to the hole in the wall diner.

  I love Maggie’s and always have since I was a little girl. It was the only place we really ever ate. At one point in time my mom was a waitress here until the owners caught her lifting money out of the register. God she sucks at life. I could live happily never seeing her again.

  “I wanted to talk to you about Diesel. I need some advice from a friend, and since you’re the only friend I have here in town, I figured you could help me.” He winces when I say Diesel’s name. Is it painful for him to hear, even though he pushed me away? He made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me, so what fucking gives?

  “Paisley, we are friends…” he reaches across the table, and takes my hands. I can’t help but feel the electricity running between our bodies. It’s always there, no matter how tiny the touch. “But, I can’t talk about this with you. I know we haven’t talked about everything I said, but I don’t want to think about you with him in any way. Please, just don’t tell me.” He lets out a sigh and I can tell he is hurt on some level. Even if he’s the one who pushed me away.

  I just don’t understand him. I don’t think I ever will. There are too many complex levels.

  “So… do you wanna talk about what happened with us? I mean, might as well get that out of the way so we can move on, right?” I’m hoping he takes me up on it, because I’m annoyed without him around. It’s lonely. I got so used to our moments together. Being able to depend on him when he wasn’t holding down the fort at the hotel.

  “Yeah, I think we should clear some of that up.” He looks everywhere but at me. Nervous, but I don’t know why.

  “Paisley, there’s a lot you don’t know about me. We are virtually strangers still, and everything with us just comes so naturally. I’m scared about hurting you. I don’t want to. I’m just screwed up. My parents always controlled every aspect of my life and it fucked me up. Chrome and Zane didn’t get it because they were older. It wasn’t until Scarlett was born that they slowly loosened the reigns on me.” He stops and moves his face closer to mine, and drops his voice to a whisper.

  “That’s when it started. I used sex as a way to get control. I’m a bad person. I control the women I have sex with. I can’t help it. I told you, I’m fucked up.” I don’t understand whatever point he is trying to make.

  “So? What does that have to do with me, River? I don’t get it.” I’m honest and he looks confused. Maybe he wants to laugh. I’m such a child in everyones eyes, including his. I may have been on my own for the past couple years, but clearly I don’t know much about the world.

  “Paisley, I would hurt you. Physically. I like to dominate women in bed. You deserve so much better.” Is he into that kinky whips and chains kinda shit? I just don’t get it. Maybe I need a fucking video or tutorial on it. I shrug my shoulders.

  “Whatever floats your boat, River. I can’t change you.” I have to let go of the fantasy of us being together. He makes excuse after excuse as to why we will never be together. Whether he is truly doing this so he won’t hurt me, I don’t know. But I’m going to try and not let it get to me.

  “Like that? It’s that easy for you to shrug it all off?” He looks hurt. Shit. Did I do something wrong?

  “River, I can’t change you if you don’t let me in. You keep closing me out. I don’t know how to get through to you. I’m not going to push it because we’re friends. I value our friendship. I really do, and I don’t want to lose that.”

  By the end of dinner, we fall back into the complex friendship we had before he caught me with Diesel. Holding hands, the small touches, laying in bed watching some bullshit reality television show. It almost seems like life is all back to normal minus my whole dilemma with Diesel.

  The one thing that stands out to me the most is the fact that I didn’t think about him all night long while I’ve been with River. But when I was with Diesel the other night, I constantly thought about River. That’s a problem, right? Because I’m pretty sure it shouldn’t be like that.

  Even though it’s late, I slip down the stairs so I can pick Star’s brain. I know she isn’t the best authority when it comes to relationships or men, but she can point me in the right direction or give me more insight than River was able to since he wouldn’t talk about it at all.

  I lightly knock on the door and it swings open. Star is dressed in a one piece My Little Pony sleep sack. How the fuck? Do they make those for adults?

  “What the fuck are you wearing?” I laugh in her face. She shrugs her shoulders and joins my laughter.

  “I can’t wear this shit when Chrome is in town. So, once he’s on the road for a couple days, I pony it up. Don’t hate, bitch.” Yup, my big sister is a My Little Pony obsessed freak. But, it makes me love her even more. Unique that’s for sure.

  “I need some love life advice, because mine is a fuckin’ mess.” I plop down on her bed and hug one of the silky decorative pillows.

  “River or Diesel?” She asks without missing a beat. It’s like she knows everything that has been going on in my life without me having to tell her anything.

  “Both.” I laugh and shake my head. “I’m in love with River. I think? But, he keeps pushing me away. Then there’s Diesel, and that’s just confusing as fuck.” I let out a sigh and try to start at the beginning.

  “When River kept pushing me away, I slept with Diesel. We spent an amazing night together. Then, the next morning, he was arguing with Ryker on the front porch about being with me. Apparently they are in some fucked up relationship.” As the words left my mouth, Star gasped in shock.

  “WHAT?!?” Her voice carries through the entire first floor of the house. Fuck. I know I shouldn’t have spilled that piece of information. I try and explain the situation to her without giving up too much information, but I am totally failing miserably. I tell her everything River spilled to me. I tell her everything that’s gone on in the upstairs of her house for the past week. It really is insane how much has happened in a single damn week.

  She already heard a great deal of it from when River caught Diesel and me together, but she goes over everything anyway - detail-by-detail.

  “So, let me get this straight; River pushed you away because he would rather fuck prostitutes. And then you fell into bed with Diesel, loved every minute of it, but he has some kind of fucked up tag team relationship with Ryker that he would give up for you?”

  Yeah, I guess that wraps it all up.

  “Yup, that’s about it. So, Star, what the fuck do I do?”

  “I never thought I would see the day when one of my sisters was in a more fucked up situation than me, but Paisley honey, you take the cake this time! Good Lord!” She laughs. I can’t help but laugh along with her and before we know it, we are both holding our stomachs laughing hysterically. In between gasps for air and laughter, I drop another bomb.

  “Oh, then you already know that Journey is fucking Ryker?” I continue laughing and her face morphs into disgust.

  “You’re serious?”

  “As a heart attack. Journey and Ryker have something going on. That’s why Diesel is giving everything up. They’re going their separate ways and apparently, Ryker is shacking up with our deceitful bitch of a sister in Connecticut.” Well that took the conversation in a different direction.

  “But enough about that, Star, you gotta help me. I don’t know what to do!”

  “Who do you want?” She asks. What kind of question is that? I can’t fucking pick!

  “Both of them?” Is that even possible? Shit! It isn’t! There is nothing realistic about that.

  “Star, River doesn’t want me.”

  “He want
s you, he looks like he wants to fucking eat you alive, little sister. So this is what you do. Throw yourself at him. Do something he wouldn’t expect. Put the moves on him. If that’s what you want to do. Take him off guard and pretend like you’re in control of the situation. If he really doesn’t want you, you’ll find out right then and there. But, if he does want you, he won’t be able to walk away.” She turns to her closet and pulls a couple night gowns out and tosses them on the bed.

  “Take these, hang them in your closet, and slip into one. He won’t be able to keep his eyes off you. I know Chrome loves these.” I want to vomit thinking about her and him, and these. Ick! She must see the look of disgust on my face because she hits me upside the head.

  “They’re clean you ass.”

  New plan? Seduce River and see if he really wants me. Back up plan is to keep Diesel waiting in the wings? It sounds like a really shitty thing to do. But, I need to find out if there will ever be anything more between River and I before I jump head first into this thing with Diesel - even though I already fucking did.

  Christmas Eve's Eve

  Most of the house has gone to bed for the night. It’s quiet, other than the crackling of the fire in the large fireplace. Star and Chrome locked themselves in the master bedroom hours ago. Thinking about them in there, I want to vomit in my mouth. Seven and Levi retired to the guest suite off the kitchen. She complained about her feet bothering her and now just River and I sit on the couch bullshitting about anything and everything. Christmas memories from our childhoods mostly. His really wins for being so much better than mine. Shitty ass parents. It was time I finally took Star’s advice and made my move.

  I am ready for this step. If we are being honest, Florida really fucked me up. I never thought I would be ready for any kind of relationship again. But here I was stuck between two men. I just needed to know if this thing with River was something I needed to pursue or leave behind.

  I never thought I would see the day when I had to put the moves on a guy though. I mean, I’m not socially awkward when it comes to sexual tension by any means. I just want to approach this all in the right way. Mainly because of our friendship.