“Yeah, I can do that.”
“Seven is gonna be coming up for a little while. She’s having some issues down in Manhattan. She needs a bit of a getaway. So you won’t be completely alone with the girls.” I want to jump and fist pump just because I love Seven. She’s kind of cooler than my sister, but I would never tell Star that. Ever.
“Whatever works. Just let me know when and I will hold down the fort and the store. Speaking of the store - the painting classes are full. Apparently the town loves your instruction. I was thinking about opening up an Etsy store for some of the paintings, prints, and jewelry we have on display too.” My involvement in the art store had become bigger with each day going by. I loved the way I could go there and take my mind off of things.
The towns people were friendly and funny as well. Quirky would describe them perfectly, but their colorful characters really made this town exactly what I loved. I started making jewelry as a hobby while working. It was only something I wanted to do for myself, but apparently the pieces I’ve been making caught the attention of quite a few people. I found orders coming in, interest flooding, and then I discovered Etsy. It was a great way I would be able to make some money on my own.
Of course Diesel kept going on about wanting to take care of me, but I’m just not the kind of girl to depend on someone else to support me. When I came to Woodstock, I wanted independence and I’m slowly working on gaining it.
Who said I can’t be independent and have a man in my life? Women do it everyday, right?
“Whats up with Seven?” I’m curious because she didn’t seem the least bit stressed or upset when I talked to her last. But, things can change so quickly. Of all people, I should know that.
“Something about Levi being overprotective or something.” And it all makes sense. He’s so protective of her and the baby. I listened to him nag about this and that when I was a houseguest. I shouldn’t have listened, but sometimes they weren’t quiet about it at all. Whatever. That is for them to work out.
“Poor Seven,” I laugh. I wonder if Levi will stalk her all the way up here just to make sure she’s having enough green veggies or taking her prenatal vitamins.
Sitting cross-legged on my bed and opening up my laptop, I work on a new chapter of my story tonight. It’s been a couple days since I wrote and I feel the need to purge all of the new thoughts and emotions. Writing has become the healthiest form of therapy for me. When other people would have turned to negative behavior or drugs, I turned to words and it’s worked so incredibly well.
I often find myself comparing my actions and life to the things Star has endured. Her situation with Blue was different. He’s a predator, and while Zane is as well, he was a stranger. Not someone I was raised to trust.
I worry about Chrome and whatever the club is going to do to him. I don’t worry about Zane at all. I honestly hope he rots in hell. If I had the chance to do him in, I would. I could think of a number of ways to torture him before I let him slowly bleed out. I have to shake my head to clear out the disturbing thoughts. They come so easily when I think about anything that has to do with him.
My hurt from being his victim has turned into rage. I never thought I would find a time where I could feel healed enough to move onto this stage of dealing with my rape. But, I’m also refreshed that I have. Maybe I’m just sadistic. Maybe I’m not the average victim. I don’t know, because Star is the only person I know who has been violated at the hands of a man and I don’t dare ask her to speak of her experience. I don’t think I could stomach knowing the details either.
After I save my document, I check my email and jot down all the new custom orders I need to complete this week - steadily coming in from the store’s new Etsy site. I silently pat myself on the back for starting something worth a shit for once. I really think I finally found my calling.
My phone buzzes with a text message and I realize it’s River. I haven’t spoken with him since he left my house the day Diesel came back from the road. I felt bad the way we left everything. I do care about him so much. He helped me through some of my darkest hours. But, when I see him, I relate him to so much of my pain. Including pain he caused me.
How are you feeling?
I hate that he’s asking because of the baby. I hate being stuck in the middle of these two men because of the little person growing inside of me, but I’m going to have to get used to it until I can figure out who this little nugget’s dad is.
I’m ok. Still a little sick in the morning.
But I’ve found ways 2 deal with it.
It’s the truth. Overall, I’m miserable when I get out of bed daily. But after a couple saltines with peanut butter and a Dr. Pepper, I’m ready to roll for the day. Don’t judge me for soda in the morning. It helps. A lot better than Ginger Ale I might add!
I’ve started taking my pre-natal vitamins in the afternoon on a full stomach. It prevents me from throwing them back up. My first appointment is next week. Apparently doctors don’t really want to see you before you are about nine or ten weeks along, almost out of your first trimester. I’m still new to it all. I’m often lost when it comes to this shit. Here I was thinking the first trimester was the most important, and I guess it is, just not in the doctor’s eyes.
Star convinced me to see these hippy midwives here in town. I still keep calling them doctors because it’s what I’m used to. Doctors take care of pregnant women. Hell, most of the time, everyone in the medical field is a fuckin’ doctor to me. But, these ladies come highly recommended by most of the people here in town.
According to Google MD, the baby will be due sometime in early to mid-September. But, because of the fact that I never got a period after my abortion and sleeping with two guys in the matter of two weeks, I honestly have no idea what my due date should be. September will be my due month. I know that much.
Do you need anything?
What kind of question is that? What would he expect me to ask for? No matter what has happened between us, there is one thing I honestly miss from River. His genuine friendship. When I first rolled into town in November, he was my only real friend. Of course I had Star and Seven. I had the girls and all these new people in my life, but River was the only one who I could depend on for comfort, who would listen to all my problems. He’s a good person, he’ just damaged like I am.
Maybe more so than I am or average people. But he has a good heart.
I miss my best friend.
I don’t hold my breath though. Comments like that always send him into radio silence for weeks on end. He doesn’t do emotions well, especially when something I do or say evokes them within him. He would rather be void and unavailable. I just wish I knew what happened to make him that way.
I always get lost in my thoughts. I guess it started when I was a young girl. I did it to block out everything going on in my life. Now it just makes me a damn flake. When I hear the chime of the phone from River’s text, I realize I was supposed to pack up and meet Seven over at Star’s house at some point tonight. I vaguely remember agreeing to eight.
Can we make a time to sit down and talk about stuff?
I am torn with River’s reply. He isn’t good at sitting down to talk about stuff. Anything. Ever. But, I know I owe him this. Especially if we are going to have to take on the cast of co-parenting down the road. But, it is something I will also have to run by Diesel. Since we are trying on an actual relationship for size, I would feel dishonest if I didn’t talk to him about it first.
Can I get back to you later on about it?
I want to talk to Diesel about it, and I am late meeting Seven.
Honesty, I swear it really is the best policy. It works so well. The little white lies were becoming too much to deal with, remember, and keep track of.
I grab some clothes and toss them into a backpack along with my computer and some other crap I will need for the time I’m going to be spending at Star’s house. I think they said four days, but I’m not completely sure. Sometimes when S
tar talks, it goes in one ear and out the other.
Are you in a relationship with Diesel now?
Why? Why does he have to do this to me right now? Why do we have to have this conversation over text? It’s impersonal and no matter what tone you have, someone ends up hurt because you can’t gage the other person’s reactions over the damn phone.
Yes. I am.
I keep it simple, and to the point. I would rather talk about something like this in person. I hear Diesel’s truck pull up in front of the house. I grab my bag and make my way for the door.
His lips press to mine in greeting. On instinct, my mouth slightly parts and my tongue slips into his mouth. We sit in the driveway for a couple minutes making out like kids. We are both completely content with it. My phone chiming disturbs us. I know it’s River and I take it as the perfect time to bring up meeting him. No need to beat around the bush with Diesel.
“So, how would you feel about me meeting up with River to talk?” The truck pulls out of the small gravel driveway heading in the direction of Star’s house.
“I wouldn’t have a problem with it, why?” I should have known he would be laid back about it.
“He wants to talk, I guess. He texted me earlier and I told him I would ask you how you felt about it before I agreed to it.” I shrug and dig in my pocket for my iPhone.
“Its up to you, Princess. If you want to meet up with him and talk, go for it. But don’t feel like you have to because of the baby. Every time you see him, he upsets you somehow and you have every right to say no.” He’s so damn sweet. I wonder how I got so lucky after all the shit I did in my life.
Do you love him?
Reading River’s words pisses me off. Do I love Diesel? What fucking business is it of his? Would he use it as ammunition to hurt me once again? I delete the text and let his words simmer. He drives me absolutely fucking batty.
“See what I mean, Paisley.” Diesel nods in my direction. He can clearly see how much the text message just upset me.
“He asked me if I love you.” I admit. I do love Diesel. Is it true love? “I don’t see what business that is of his.” I don’t know why I even told Diesel that.
“River is just trying to get to you, Princess. Don’t let him.” It’s too late though. I pull my phone out, open a new text message to him and type out a reply I know will hurt him. I hate playing this back and forth game with him.
Yes. I do love him.
I can make time to talk tomorrow morning at Chrome and Star’s.
Whether or not he’s going to show up will be up to him. If he makes time, I’ll sure as hell be prepared for all the questions I have for him. If I’m going to let him continue being a part of my life, and possibly in the life of my child, he needs to start talking about all these issues he has.
And fatherhood doesn’t include sex with prostitutes. I can tell you that much.
Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace
When I finally rolled out of bed, I walked downstairs to see River sitting at the kitchen island. He nods in greeting and continues to sip on his cup of coffee. The house is quiet. Seven is no where to be found and both of the girls are at school already. Some help I was getting them up and out the door.
“I’m assuming you got the girls to school?” There is no way either of them would have gotten out of bed on their own.
“Yeah, they didn’t give me any problem. I figured I’d let you sleep. You need your rest.” His eyes settle on my flat stomach. There is no sign of a baby bump, but I know he’s thinking about the little human growing in there.
“So, you wanted to talk?” I see no reason pulling any punches. There’ no other reason for us to be talking right now. If it wasn’t for him knowing about the pregnancy and Diesel, he probably wouldn’t be talking to me at all. His typical silent way of dealing with everything.
“When are you due?” he asks without missing a beat.
“Not sure, September sometime. I haven’t seen those midwife people yet.” I rummage in the fridge for the bottle of orange juice I hid the night before, praying no one found it.
“When will you know who the father is?” Apparently he isn’t pulling any punches either. I don’t have an answer for him, I can only assume once the baby is actually born. I mean, that would be a safe assumption, right? I know nothing about this stuff, nor did I ever anticipate needing a fucking paternity test!
“Not sure, I’m assuming after the baby is born?” I continue around the kitchen. I grab my jar of peanut butter and start dipping my saltines in it.
“There is a test you can have sooner,” he interrupts me. Placing his cup down on the counter, he pulls out a piece of white paper out of his pocket. “It’s a new blood test they can do as soon as the 8th week of pregnancy, which I think you’re past? You need a sample from the mother and potential father. I just assumed we could all go. There is a place in Manhattan that does it.”
Did he seriously just ask me to go in for a paternity test before I’ve even seen a doctor? I guess I can see why he would want to get this all shorted out sooner rather than later. If I’m being honest, we all want this sorted out soon.
“I’ll think about it River, but there are bigger things we need to talk about. Yes, the baby is important, but you’re still my friend and I care about you. There are things I want to know about you.” I can tell the moment he starts to close up. His body language changes and he begins to run his fingers through his thick black hair, looking everywhere around the room but at me.
“River, don’t close down on me. You need to talk about it. You told me the same shit when I started to close up on you. You helped me, let me help you for once.” I take a couple steps across the kitchen and place my hand on his shoulder. He coils back like I’ve physically hurt him and I pull my hand away.
“Please! Don’t touch me!” he’s yelling now. Why the fuck is he yelling at me? He’s never had a problem with me touching him and now he’s freaking bugging out on me!
“River, calm the fuck down. What’s the problem?” I’m quiet and hurt. His reaction to my touch hurts. It was as if he was disgusted by me.
“Paisley, it’s hard enough being friends with you. But, having you touch me will just be way too much. I want you. But you are his now. I can’t trust myself around you, which is why I let you go. Please, just respect my space.”
Whoa. What. The. Fuck?
“I’m sorry, River. I’m just trying to be a friend. The kind of friends we were.” I miss our friendship and it sucks so damn bad that we are stuck in this strange limbo. I hate it.
“Paisley, we were never just friends. We were always more. You were always more for me. You are my one. My soul mate. My everything. This…” he waves between us, “is killing me. Seeing you with him, knowing you love him, knowing you might be carrying his baby kills me. It guts me from the inside out. The only way I can deal with this is by pushing you away. I’m sorry if it hurts. I hurt just as bad.” He puts the paper down on the table, and tosses the coffee cup in the sink before turning for the front door.
“I’m sorry I can’t do this Paisley. I really wanted to try and talk to you about this all. But, I can’t. I hope some day you will be able to forgive me.” The door slams, and Seven turns the corner.
“What the fuck was that all about?” She asks while looking out the front window. I hear the tires of River’s car pull out of the driveway and I let out a sigh. I was so close. So fucking close to finally getting him to open up to me. He may want me to stop, but I never will. Ever. He’s just too important to me to let him stay trapped in whatever hell he’s living in.
“He’s on the rag.” I laugh, as Seven pours a cup of coffee for herself. I give her a questioning look and she shoots daggers through me.
“Don’t even fucking start. I’m allowed two fucking caffeinated beverages a day and I will cut any bitch that gets in my way. Try me.” I’m scared. Never come between Seven and her coffee. With the wild look on her face, I don’t doubt for a secon
d that she would hurt me. I’ve known her long enough to realize when she’s serious.
“So, why’d you run away from Levi? Trouble in paradise?” That’s probably not the best question to ask after she just threatened to cut me. But, I’ve been dying to ask. I want to know what’s going on with her. I figured we can use this as a gab session since clearly we have a bad soap opera going on between the two of us.
“I need a couple days to get away from him being so over protective. Work has been crazy, he’s always in my ear about eating this or not doing that and I am on edge. I need a couple days of peace and quiet. Little did I know, I would be dealing with doors slamming so early in the morning.” She gives me a look and sips her coffee. Her normally dark mahogany hair is lighter. Her roots are shining through brightly. The natural light brown I knew her to wear for so many years.
“I’ll let this morning slide, but if you kids wanna argue, I’m going to have to ask you to go back to your own little shanty.”
I want to laugh at her dig at my tiny house.
“I don’t think I’ll be seeing River again before you head back to Manhattan.” I laugh and pop a cracker in my mouth. “You want?” I offer some to her and she shakes her head.
“No food till this cup is finished. If I try and put food into my stomach too quickly, the baby rebels and everything comes back up. This kid is as much of a bitch as I am.” We both laugh at her comment.
“So, do you know what you’re having yet?” I ask, because curiosity is getting the best of me. I really wish I knew what the baby was already. I would love a little girl, but aren’t boys supposed to be easier to handle?
“It’s a girl. I’m so fucked.” Seven sighs and finishes up her cup of coffee. “I hope she’s nothing like me. Or any of us.”
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