“If that’s what you want, honey.” I kiss him on the cheek and continue packing.
“Well that was easy,” he laughs. “I expected a fight on that one.”
“Why would I fight you, Diesel. Of course he should have your last name. You are his father. I just never put that much thought into it. Don’t overthink it, honey.” I laugh as I push a box toward the front door.
Most of the house is empty. Our suitcases are in the truck, ready for the drive south. I packed my laptop to write in the truck since I’ve been slacking so much recently. The jewelry store online has taken up most of my time.
“When are you gonna take my last name too?” His question takes me off guard.
“What?” I ask him, standing in the doorway, Star silently watches a couple feet away. Diesel takes a couple steps toward me, and wraps his arms around my waist.
“You heard me, Princess. When are we gonna change your last name too?” Is this him asking me to marry him? He makes no damn sense sometimes.
“Are you asking me to marry you?” I laugh as I push away from him. “Because I hope you have enough damn sense to get your shit together, buy me a nice ring and do it right if you want me to actually say yes.” I walk out of the room with a little extra shake to my hips.
“How are you feeling, Seven?”I made it a point to drive to the small rehab facility Seven has spent the past couple months recovering in. It was nasty at first. After everything happened with Zane, she snapped. I feel bad because I feel like I’m responsible for it. The doctors said it was the underlying depression that’s been a lifelong struggle for her mixed with all the hormones from her pregnancy. The stress she was undertaking at work didn’t help either, because she ended up going right back to work even though she promised Levi she would quit.
“I’m good, love. It’s so good to see you Paisley. Look at that adorable little belly! Oh my gosh, come here. Let me rub it.” I laugh because if I tried to rub Seven’s belly she would probably karate chop my hand out of the way. It happened once already.
“How is your little girl doin’?” Seven’s belly is only slightly bigger than mine. It’s clear that my little boy is going to be a beast compared to her petite little girl.
“She’s good. Is it July yet? Because I’m pretty sure I am done with this whole pregnancy thing.” She motions over her belly, and I laugh. She has been the world’s most miserable pregnant woman.
“Not too much longer to go.” I smile and plop down in the chair next to her. “So when are you busting out of this joint?” I laugh.
“Should be next week actually. I think I’m going to stay up here in Woodstock for a while though. I don’t think I can deal with the stress of the city yet. I’m just so overwhelmed by everything. I need to get through Marley’s birth. Then I will worry about getting back to life as we all knew it before I jumped on the crazy train.” She laughs and pokes fun at herself.
“Where is Levi?” He’s been camped out with her since he made his way to Woodstock. Both him and Seven have taken a leave of absence from work, which no one batted an eye at, given the circumstances.
“He went to Maggie’s to get me some decent food. I barely want to eat any of the crap they offer here.” Hospital food is kind of garbage and this place may not be a hospital, but the food ranks the same.
“I could go for a burger from there before we head out.” My stomach chooses that moment to growl. “I guess my little guy is hungry too.”
“A boy huh?” I forget for a moment that I haven’t had a chance to visit Seven since we found out the sex of the baby.
“Yup, first boy in our clan in a really long time. We were gonna name him Daniel, but Star flipped out because he wouldn’t have a Woodstock name like we all got stuck with. So, she bullied Diesel into the name Cash.” It’s cute to think of how the whole baby name thing worked itself out.
“Cash it a cute name. I’m sure he is going to be adorable. If he looks anything like Diesel, I’m sure my Marley will be following him around when they hit puberty.” We both laugh because we all know it’s true. I just hope that we’re all still this close when our children are grown. I know I’m going to miss Woodstock, especially since Seven is going to be staying for a little bit. I want to stay, but I also want to move on and make a new home for our growing family.
“So, when do you guys hit the road?” Seven asks, breaking my inner thoughts.
“Tomorrow morning, as early as Diesel can drag me out of bed. We’re gonna drive half way and then spend the night where ever we can find a decent hotel room for the night.” My anxiety creeps up on me as I think about the long trip ahead of us. Maybe I should have just flown?
“I’m gonna miss you kiddo.” Seven pulls me into her arms, and I wrap my arms around her and nuzzle my face into her neck. I don’t want her to see me cry. I’m emotional and hormonal. I’m going to cry, but I want to be strong for her. She doesn’t need to deal with my bullshit. She’s dealt with enough.
“Paisley, I love you like my own sister. Listen to me, none of this is your fault. I don’t want you thinking you caused any of this. I’m the only one to blame for putting my own well being off for so long. I could have hurt my daughter. I could have hurt myself. I see this now. But, I don’t regret for one minute what I did.” She rubs her hand along my back and continues whispering in my ear.
“I would never have been able to live with myself if I let you hurt him. If I let you do anything to him, because your guilt would have eaten you alive. You’re a good person. That’s not your sin to bear. I can deal with it. I can live with my actions, knowing exactly why I did it. You go and live your life. You are free from it all.”
I shouldn’t feel relieved. But I know a huge weight has been lifted off of me. The guilt was eating me alive, knowing what she did to Zane which landed her where she is now. No matter what Seven tells me, I’ll probably feel like I own some of the blame. If I never went to her after Zane raped me, would she have ended up here? Would she have snapped on someone else? Did I save her from seriously hurting someone else, or herself, the baby?
“You saved me Seven. You helped put me back together. I will always be in your debt.” I kiss her on the cheek and start to pull away. Her eyes catch mine, and I watch a tear fall.
“Paisley, you saved me from myself. You saved my daughter from my demons. I will forever owe you.” I shrug it off.
“Well Seven, I guess we saved each other from our own personal hells.” I pull her into an embrace again. “We’re lucky to have each other.”
I hate to leave her, but this is unfortunately where we need to say goodbye. I have plans with Star for the evening and a lot of packing to do still, along with a goodbye I know I have to say, but don’t have the guts to accomplish. River.
This is Goodbye
I sat down in the booth at Maggie’s, someplace River and I had shared so many late night dinners together. Before shit got complicated. Before we realized everything about us together was wrong, a genuine disaster from the very start.
“Hey,” River says, as he scoots into the booth, sitting directly across from me.
“Hey, thanks for meeting me.” I’m sure by now the word through the town has spread. We haven’t talked about the paternity test results, but he’s well aware that Diesel is the father of my baby. I’m almost positive Star or Chrome had something to do with delivering that news. It was better off that way anyways.
“I wanted to say goodbye in person.” He looks like he hasn’t been sleeping or taking care of himself. The dark circles around his eyes are a dead giveaway.
“So you really are leaving with him?” I wish River could just be nice. Be an adult about this all, but it’s clear as day he’s bitter.
“Yes, I can’t stay in Woodstock. I have too many bad memories here. My childhood, Zane, everything that I’ve gotten into since I got here really. I made so many mistakes and if I stay here, I’m only going to be constantly reminded of all the bad choices I made.” He looks as th
ough I just slapped him across the face.
“Was I one of those bad choices, Paisley?” Of course he would automatically think the worst, that’s just the type of person he is. He won’t make eye contact with me. The one thing I will miss about him are those green eyes. They always made me melt on the spot. They pulled me to him.
“No, River. You’re not one of the bad choices I made I just wish things could have been different.” I’m sincere and I reach across the table to take his hand. For the first time in a long time he actually allows me to touch him.
“I’m sorry everything worked out this way. I know I hurt you and I never meant to, River. Ever. I’m hoping you will continue to be a friend and keep in touch.” It’s the truth. I want him to stay in touch. I want to see him move on with his life and find happiness.
“There’s always email and Facebook.” I add, and hope he takes the bait.
“So, were you ever going to come to me and tell me the baby wasn’t mine?” I knew he would ask. I should have began our conversation with this.
“Yes, I was. But, I was worried and upset how you would take it.”
“I took it worse hearing it from my brother.” He’s honest, I can see the pain in his clouded eyes. The happiness I once saw in his bright expression is missing. I hate that it’s my fault it’s gone.
“I’m sorry River. I really am. But, you have a lot of things you need to work out before you can have a real relationship with someone. I tried to get through your walls, but you wouldn’t even let me in. No one is going to give you everything I know you want until you open up.” I smile at him and start to get up from the booth. With my belly in the way, it is becoming increasingly harder.
“I know Paisley. I’m sorry. I pushed you away, and that’s something I will regret for the rest of my life.” He runs his fingers through his hair and stands next to me.
“Take care of yourself, River. Or I’ll worry.” I push a single piece of hair from his forehead, and give him a peck on the cheek before I turn and walk out of Maggie’s and head for my sister’s house. Tonight I’m going to be broken saying goodbye to my family, especially my nieces.
“Wait! Paisley!” I hear River running up behind me. Before I can turn around and face him, he wraps his arms around me and spins me around so we are face-to-face.
“Thank you.” He kisses me on the cheek and starts to pull away.
“Thank you for what, River?” I’m confused. But I can see his bright light has returned. He’s the River I met the moment I rolled back into Woodstock.
“Thank you for making such an impact on my life. Thank you for breaking me down. Thank you for helping my walls come down. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it in time to be with you. I’m sorry I waited so fucking long. But Paisley, you mean the world to me, and you will always be the first woman I trusted enough to love.”
Once again, I’m dumbfounded and confused by River. Something he’ll probably continue to do for the rest of my life. I’m too damaged myself to keep up with him and his ever-changing moods. It isn’t in my soul to deal with it.
“You’re welcome, River. And thank you for helping me when I came to town. I hope you find someone who can love you as much as I did.”
And like that, we say our goodbyes.
I can only hope that some day River is able to get a happily ever after like I’ve been able to have with Diesel. No matter how fucked up our journey has been.
“I brought cake!” I yell through the front door as Diesel follows behind me. I begged him to drive an extra twenty miles out of the way to this little hole in the wall bakery I’ve become obsessed with since I found it when I was just out of my first trimester. The death by chocolate is literally to die for. No, I’m not being dramatic.
I could live on it.
“It better be chocolate or Star may shank you.” Chrome laughs as he rounds the corner from the kitchen.
“Cravings already?” Just this morning we found out she was expecting and now she’s going homicidal over cake? Yeah, that sounds about right for her.
“It’s chocolate alright. Mmmmm,” I round the corner, and Star is standing there with a fork in her hand.
“Give me the cake, and no one gets hurt.” She laughs.
“Give me a fork or you get none.” I reply, as I hand the cake to Diesel and sprint for the silverware drawer. She takes that opportunity to run towards Diesel and the cake. He lifts it in his hand above his head and Star just stands there jumping up trying to grab at the cake while Diesel laughs at her.
“Got a couple feet to go there, shorty,” he taunts her.
“Give me the cake!” Star screams as she keeps jumping up trying to get the cake, not even coming close.
I’m laughing hysterically, watching the show. This would make for an amazing Youtube video. Comedy gold!
“OW! What the FUCK, Star?” Diesel yells, as he holds onto his side. He slides the cake onto the counter and lifts his shirt to look at the wound.
“Did you just stab him with a fork?” Chrome laughs across the kitchen. Apparently shit just got real regarding that damn cake.
“You stabbed me with the fork! Seriously Star?” Diesel is pissed but laughing at the same time. She seriously just stabbed him with a fork for that stupid cake. She wants cake? She’s gonna get it!
Before she can reach the bakery box, I grab it and start opening it. She starts running in my direction, but before she can get to it I have the big chocolate treat in my hands.
“Give me the…” she screams, but before she can get the word cake out, I smash the entire thing in her face. Cake splattered everywhere. All over the floor, her clothes, the counters, my hands, my clothes. It looks like a chocolate bomb went off.
Star is pissed. I’m laughing hysterically with Chrome and Diesel joining me. The girls pick that moment to walk into the kitchen. I am sure they heard Star screaming all the way up stairs and decided they just had to investigate what was going on.
“Mom, what the…” Magnolia trails off.
“Not another word.” Star says, trying to be stern. But she fails miserably. She is pretending to be pissed, but I can see a smile breaking under the layers of cake. Soon enough her bright white smile is shining through, and we are all laughing.
“Oh my god, I am going to piss my pants,” I run for the bathroom praying I don’t piss before I get there. It wouldn’t be the first time I pissed my pants this pregnancy. Typically fucking sneezing is the culprit though.
Star is wiping cake off of her face, and we are all sitting down to dinner when Chrome leaves the room to take a phone call. We all bicker back and forth getting ready for the pasta feast Star prepared. I have to give it to her, her cooking is kind of amazing these days. Being domesticated has done wonders for her.
Chrome comes back into the room and we all stop talking. His face is stone, and I think he has a tear in the corner of his eye. What the fuck? I’ve never seen him look like that, let alone get upset. Something is wrong and my heart skips a couple beats with nerves.
“That was Levi.” He lets out a sigh and cracks his knuckles.
“Seven had the baby, they are at the medical center upstate.” Star and I gasp at the same time.
“It’s too early! I was just with her this morning! What the fuck?!” I’m crying now. That baby wasn’t due for another ten weeks at least.
“They aren’t sure why she went into labor. Levi only said they couldn’t stop it. The baby is in the NICU and not breathing on her own. Something about a lot of machines.” Chrome says. He’s clearly impacted by this news. Almost as badly as the rest of us are. I rub my belly and send a silent I love you to my little boy, and pray he stays healthy and safe.
“We have to go up there.” Star gets up from the table and heads for her bedroom to change out of her cake covered clothing.
What a world we live in when one minute we can be laughing and joking about cake. Throwing it around the kitchen at each other. And in the next breath we are praying for a previo
us little life that is hanging in the balance.
“She is only thirty weeks,” I whisper to Diesel. “That baby wasn’t due for another two months or so. She must be a wreck. I can’t imagine how she is feeling right now. She has been through so much.” I can’t help but sniffle and melt against Diesel. I couldn’t even imagine being in Seven’s situation.
“That would be like me having the baby in ten more weeks.” I say to myself, trying to hammer the whole situation home. I am only upsetting myself even more.
“Come on, Princess. Let’s get ready to head to the hospital with them.” We follow them on the two hour ride. I try to keep myself occupied to relax by the time we get to the hospital, but it is no use at all. I’m just as much of a mess as I was when we got in the car.
Star checks in at the front desk and we find out Seven is on the 8th floor. We ride in the elevator in silence. The only audible noise is the sniffling of Star and me and the bell alerting us when we have finally stopped on the floor. Diesel never once lets go of my hand, and Chrome does the same for my big sister. The mood is so somber as we walk through the sterile, bright hallways of the maternity ward.
The sounds of the hospital have my anxiety going through the roof. The beeps and bings of all the machines. The nurses speaking and the intercoms buzzing is just way too much. I know instantly there is no way I can give birth in the hospital. It’s all too much for me to deal with. I would lose my mind before I was able to give birth.
Star quietly knocks on the door, and we can hear sniffling on the other side. Levi’s voice is loud when he tells them to come in. As we slowly file into the dark room, Levi is laying in bed with Seven and she is curled up into a ball crying.
“Is this a bad time?” Chrome asks, as we all start to back up for the door.
“No, please. We need you all right now,” Levi says, and Seven slowly begins to sit up.
Her hair is tied in a knot on the top of her head. Her eyes are completely bloodshot, matching her puffy red, tear stained cheeks. Her nose is running, and it’s clear as day that she is in a lot of pain.
This Girl Stripped Page 15