Lenny paused long enough to study her reaction to this. Emily was smiling—a huge, radiant smile. This, and her fiercely expressive blue eyes, told him everything he needed to know.
“So no matter what you’re about to tell me now, it isn’t going to change the way I feel about you. I’m in, Emily—hook, line, and sinker. And I won’t leave; unless that’s what you truly want me to do. Or I’ll wait for you, however long it takes, until you feel a little more comfortable about things, if that’s the way you want it.”
Lenny realized that this sounded like a something out of a Victorian romance, à la Thomas Hardy, but he didn’t care. He was on a roll, and meant every word he was saying. After all, in reality, he’d known Emily much longer than she was aware of—in the form of his Dream Lady.
“The bottom line is that the ball’s in your court. I don’t want to pressure you. I just want you to know that I love you and that I’m here for you. Now and forever.”
Emily was speechless. Lenny had just told her what she’d longed to hear from a man her entire life. She kissed Lenny gently on the lips and held him tight. She wanted to hold on to him forever, to never let go of him.
Finally, the words came. “I love you, Lenny. God, how I love you!”
They held each other for a few moments and then Emily faced him. Her expression was confused, doubtful. “You’re not going to like what I’m about to tell you. It’s horrible. You’ll probably change your mind—”
Lenny took her hand in his and said, “I promise you, Emily. Nothing you could do or say will ever change my mind.”
Her eyes widened. “But you don’t understand! It affects me entirely—my whole life! And it would directly affect you, too. Lenny. I . . . I don’t even know if I could ever make love to you!”
Lenny felt his heart skip a beat. He wasn’t really sure how to respond, except to say, “If that’s the case, then I guess that’s just the way it’ll have to be.”
Emily eyed him skeptically. “You don’t really mean that, do you?”
Lenny nodded. “I sure do. I admit it would be a bit of a, uh, disappointment. But I could accept it if I absolutely had to.”
“That wouldn’t be fair to you.”
“Losing you just because of that wouldn’t be fair to me.”
Emily smiled at him doubtfully. “I’m having trouble believing any of this.”
Lenny returned her smile. “Believe me.”
Emily fell silent for a moment. Then she said, “How can you be so sure of yourself? Have you actually thought through what I’ve just told you?”
At that very moment, Lenny actually considered telling Emily about his Dream Lady. But he chose not to. “What’s to think through?” he replied. “I’ve already told you that nothing could ever change my mind about you and I meant it. And I did think that through before I said it, by the way. But the clincher to all of this is that what you’ve told me so far is hypothetical; you said you might not be able to make love to me. I’m an optimist, Emily. I’m already prepared to try and turn that ‘maybe not’ into ‘maybe so.’ But you haven’t even told me why you’re being so pessimistic about the future; so until I hear what you have to say, I’m going to continue being an optimist.”
Lenny knew it sounded like a sermon, but it was too late now.
Emily was taken aback by Lenny’s remarks. They stung, but she had to admit that he was right—she was being pessimistic. But how could Lenny blame her, once he knew the truth? Her situation was so futile, so hopeless. She’d wanted to make that clear to him before she even began to try and explain. Maybe she shouldn’t have . . .
“I’m sorry, Lenny. I didn’t intend to paint such a grim picture, but I guess I wanted to prepare you for what I’m about to tell you. Maybe you’ll understand what I mean by the time I’m through.”
Lenny kissed her. “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have been so presumptuous. It’s just that you seem so doubtful about me; about everything. How bad can this be, anyway?”
“Pretty bad,” Emily replied dismally.
She took a deep breath. Then, Emily proceeded to tell Lenny her story. She told him everything in its entirety: how her father had abused both her mother and herself, the terrifying nightmares, Miss Rutledge’s account of the tragic relationship between her Grandma Katherine and her great-grandfather, John Hoffman, and his alleged affair with Nancy Porter. She told him about Ted Chalmers and all that had happened on that Sunday afternoon, as well as her estranged relationship with her father and the subsequent events following the mill shutdown, and what her life had been like for the past ten years or so.
As he listened, Lenny tried his hardest to appear calm and composed. But the more he heard, the harder this became. Emily stopped several times, either to collect her thoughts, or out of the difficulty she was having in divulging some of the more personal details. Twice she broke down and cried, and was only been able to resume after hearing his words of comfort and encouragement.
He admired Emily’s strength and courage; and before long, Lenny found himself in awe of the fact that she was still among the living, considering the god-awful hell that she’d been through in her life. Anyone else, he thought, would probably have cashed in her chips. But not Emily Hoffman. She was incredibly strong—much stronger than she gave herself credit for.
Emily’s story, and her strength, made Lenny love and respect her all that much more. When she had at last finished, he was left feeling pity and shock in equal measures, but tried not to show it. He tried to hide behind his cool, collected exterior in an attempt to appear strong and under control, when in fact, he was scared out of his wits.
What Emily had told him was much worse than he had ever imagined . . .
But looming above everything else—her father’s tyranny, her being assaulted and nearly raped by Ted Chalmers—were the nightmares themselves. They were by far the scariest aspect of all. What was it like, he wondered, to go to sleep each night, knowing that you were inevitably going to be sexually assaulted, tortured, and terrorized in your dreams? To be haunted by ghosts and ghouls who were not only long dead and buried, but were more fiendish than humanly imaginable? Sadists, rapists, lunatics . . . Good Christ!
Emily was staring at him anxiously, waiting for him to say something.
Lenny shook his head slowly. “I’m speechless.”
“Pretty pathetic, isn’t it?” she said.
“That’s an understatement.” Lenny declared. “Have you told me everything?”
“Yes, for the most part. I mean, I could’ve told you my entire life history, but it isn’t nearly as interesting.”
“God, Emily, I don’t know what to say! I guess the first question that comes to mind is what was your psychiatrist’s assessment of this? Did he give you any idea why you’re having these nightmares and why they won’t go away?”
“Well, sort of.” she replied. “He told me that he wanted me to remain in therapy; because it was much too soon for him to give any kind of ironclad prognosis. But he did, however, offer some theories.”
“And what might those be?”
“Basically, he told me that I have a fixation on my grandmother, Katherine Hoffman. I feel an affinity to her—I identify with her—because her life had been so similar to my own; rather, my life has been so similar to hers. He said that ever since I was a child and first discovered how much I resembled her, that I had become totally obsessed with Katherine. And once I learned what all had happened to her, I had in so many words allowed myself to become the same sort of victim that she had become. Both in my dreams and in reality.
“But he said the underlying problem was that Grandma Katherine had never known for sure who her biological father was; had it been Clem Porter, or John Hoffman? And, just as this became a dilemma for my grandmother, I’ve let it become my own dilemma as well. I’ve let it gnaw at me to the point that it has virtually become the single most important thing in my life; in spite of the fact that in reality, it shouldn’t be of su
ch extraordinary importance to me.”
“But, he explained, it is important to me because of the sheer injustice of the whole situation. He felt that I am so abhorred by the notion that John Hoffman might have actually violated Grandma Katherine’s mother, and in the process had fathered Katherine, that it’s just too much for me to accept and deal with. He said that both Grandma Katherine and myself had been manipulated and abused by Hoffman men throughout our childhoods and that there was a subconscious need to know that we at least had some bloodline to someone other than Katherine’s mother and another Hoffman. In other words, Katherine needed to know that Clem Porter was truly her biological father; and supposedly, so do I.”
“And that’s the crux of it. He said that as long as there is this doubt, I will most likely continue having the nightmares. Which means, in reality, that I will keep on having them. Because there is no viable way for me to ever know if Clem Porter was Katherine’s father or not.”
Emily had tears in her eyes by the time she’d finished speaking. When Lenny hugged her, she started sobbing.
“I can’t go on like this much longer, Lenny. It’s killing me! And I can’t let you get involved in this mess, too. It just wouldn’t be fair.”
Lenny patted Emily’s back comfortingly. “I’m already involved. I love you, remember?”
She pulled away and faced him. “You still want to be with me after all I’ve just told you?”
He nodded emphatically.
“But do you realize what you’re getting yourself into? I mean, do you really want to deal with someone who moans and screams in her sleep every night until she awakens, mortified and then spends the rest of the night wide-awake because she’s too terrified to go back to sleep?”
Lenny chose his words carefully. “I wouldn’t say that’s what I want to deal with. But I will, if I have to. What I want to do is somehow make it so that neither one of us has to deal with this. In other words, I want to make it so you can live a happy normal life; so we can live a happy normal life.”
“But Lenny . . .” Emily protested. “If my shrink was right, which he probably was, you know that there isn’t any chance of turning things around. It’s virtually impossible.”
“You’re forgetting that I’m an optimist. Nothing is impossible in my book. You, on the other hand . . .”
She elbowed him playfully. “I know what you’re going to say. That I’m a pessimist, right?”
“Yup.”
Emily sighed. “I guess you’re right. But Lord, what’s there to be optimistic about?”
“How about us?”
She smiled, realizing that he’d caught her. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Lenny. But I’m still having trouble believing you could want me enough to make such huge sacrifices. I’m not worth it! And besides that, I’d always feel like I was holding you back—keeping you from having the happiness that you deserve.”
Lenny threw up his hands and gaped at her in exasperation.
“Okay, that’s it! What’s it going to take to convince you? Why is it so hard for you to believe me, Emily? If you can be so sure of your feelings for me this early in the game and then why is it so hard to believe that I can have the same feelings for you? What more can I do?”
All of a sudden, Lenny’s face lit up and he sprung up out of the chair.
“Stay right there, Emily,” he commanded. He knelt down on the floor in front of her and took her hand in his.
“Emily, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If I were to ask you someday if you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, what would your answer be?”
Emily’s expression went from surprise to absolute shock. He was proposing to her! she thought. Or was it pre-proposing? It didn’t matter. She squeezed his hand firmly as her world, her life, whirled around in her head like a runaway train. She stared into his eyes to steady herself and saw a man whom she knew she loved and trusted. A man whom she absolutely knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, no matter what.
Her answer came surprisingly easy. “I’d say yes!”
“Need I say more?” Lenny said, grinning from ear to ear.
Emily giggled. “Okay, Lenny. You’ve made your point. But you may be sorry—
Lenny cut her off. “No buts, okay? Look, let’s just take one step at a time and see how it goes, all right? There are obviously some things we’re going to have to deal with—some major things, no doubt. But we’ll just have to chip away at them, one at a time, and keep chipping away until we get them resolved. Let’s try to be positive now and assume that we can and will work things out, okay? We’re here now, together, and I don’t know about you, but I’m absolutely ecstatic about that. So let’s try to enjoy ourselves! You haven’t even given me the grand tour of this beautiful house yet; and I’d give my right arm for something cold, wet, and alcoholic to celebrate this momentous occasion!”
Lenny’s enthusiasm was contagious. Emily suddenly squeezed his hand in joyous resignation. “You’re absolutely right!” she exclaimed. Then her expression grew doubtful. “But I’m not sure if I have any beer . . .”
Lenny stood up and tugged at her arm. “Well, let’s just go and see what ya got. Then you can show me around this place.”
With a chuckle, Emily sprung up out of the chair, still holding onto Lenny’s hand. “I don’t know how you do it,” she said, “But you always manage to cheer me up and make me laugh.”
Lenny grinned and said, “I forgot to tell you—I was a stand-up comedian in another life.”
They both laughed then raced through the first floor to the kitchen, hand-in-hand. Emily was surprised and relieved when she found a six-pack of Heinekin in the pantry; Lenny promptly poured himself one over ice then put the remainder in the freezer compartment of the refrigerator. After preparing herself a straight scotch on the rocks, Emily then proceeded to give Lenny the guided tour of her house.
Afterwards, they sat in the overstuffed chair in front of the fire and talked for a long time about themselves -their likes and dislikes—and all those other kinds of things that two strangers just getting to know each other talk about. Not once did the subject of Emily’s nightmares or anything related to them come up in their conversation.
It had been their original intention to stay up until dawn, but it didn’t quite work out that way. They both were exhausted from the long eventful day, and eventually found it impossible to keep their eyes open. By four o’clock, they had both fallen fast asleep; nestled in each other’s arms before the warm, crackling fire.
CHAPTER 19
Lenny awoke to the aroma of bacon, eggs, and freshly brewed coffee. When he opened his eyes, he saw Emily’s den bathed in sunlight and remembered where he was as the events of the day before crept into his drowsy head.
He looked over at where Emily had fallen asleep in his arms and wondered how long she’d been up. Glancing at his watch, he read the time. It was nearly 11:30. He rose up slowly out of the chair and stretched, gazing out the picture window at the deep blue sky and crystalline snow. What a beautiful morning, he thought to himself.
When he entered the kitchen, Emily was standing in front of the stove.
“Good morning, sleepy head!” she greeted merrily. “I was just getting ready to go wake you up.”
“’Morning!” he greeted back. “How long have you been up?”
“An hour or so. Would you like some coffee?”
“I could definitely use some, thanks . . . It sure smells good in here.”
Emily walked over and pecked him on the cheek. “I hope you like bacon and eggs.”
“Love ‘em,” Lenny replied.
“Well, just have a seat and I’ll fix you right up.”
“Thanks,” he said, sitting down at the table. “Did you sleep well last night?”
Emily brought a mug of coffee over and set it down in front of him. “Like a log.”
“No problems?”
“None at all.
I was in good hands,” she added with a wink.
Lenny poured some milk into his coffee and took a sip.
“Where’s the little pooch?”
“Outside, playing in the snow. She loves it out there.”
“I’ll bet she does.”
Emily went back over to the stove and said, “I called George Turner’s garage a few minutes ago. His grandson, Frank, is going to bring his tow truck up at around one o’clock so he can rescue my bus. I told him to go ahead and bring a new battery so it’ll be drivable. I thought that maybe we could drive into town afterwards—I need some groceries and I could show you around if you’d like.”
“I’d really like that,” Lenny said. “Was that your antique shop I saw last night there on the main drag?”
“Yes, the one and only.”
“I’d like to see it.”
“Okay,” Emily replied brightly.
She came over to the table and began filling the plates then stopped midway and looked at him. “Do you feel any differently than you did last night? I mean, has anything changed?” Her eyes were imploring, anxious.
Lenny stood up and put his arm around her waist. “All I’ve thought about since I first awoke was how beautiful last night was. But I’ve almost been afraid to say anything because I keep asking myself, ‘What if she’s gotten cold feet?’”
Emily sat the frying pan down and hugged him. “Well, if you’re asking now then here’s your answer,” she said and kissed him fully on the lips.
A moment later, she faced him again. “When do you have to go back to the city?”
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