Chapter 6
A soft knock sounded on the door of Ben’s office in downtown Brisbane. Although his was a corner office, half enclosed in glass windows with a striking view of the Brisbane River and the Story Bridge, these days he rarely noticed it. Straightening in his leather chair, Ben glanced at the clock. Where had the afternoon gone? He let out a deep sigh and saved his work before turning to the door.
"Come in." Even to him, his voice sounded tired and strained.
Walton stuck his head inside the door. "I'm calling it a day, mate. You should too."
Ben rubbed the back of his neck and met Walton’s gaze. "I’ve still got a few numbers to crunch, Walt. Think I'll be working late again."
"This is the fifth straight day you've worked overtime, Ben. You should go home." Walton’s expression grew serious. “Tessa needs you.”
Ben leaned back in his chair and looked out the window. The sky, awash with pinks and oranges, was darkening quickly. Yes, he should go home. He didn’t really need to be at work, but being at home made him think about Jayden. And the more he thought about Jayden, the more depressed he became. The house was so quiet these days. As much as Ben hated Jayden’s loud music, what he’d give now to hear it when he arrived home. To hear Jayden laughing in the backyard with the dogs, even to see his mess scattered through the house. Ben let out another deep sigh as he swivelled around slowly to face Walton.
"Yes, I know, Walt. I’ll go shortly.”
Walton narrowed his eyes. “Make sure you do, Ben. I know what you’re like. See you Monday.” He gave a short nod and left the room.
As Walton’s footsteps receded, Ben slumped onto his desk, placing his head on his crossed forearms. A wave of numbing sadness washed over him. He’d done everything wrong. Jayden's decision to leave was totally his fault, and he was drowning under the weight of guilt and despair. He swallowed hard as the pain in his heart grew heavier. God, please bring Jayden back. I’m sorry for everything. I can’t handle this much longer.
Ben’s phone rang. He drew in a deep breath and raised his head. It would be Tessa.
"Where are you, Ben? I've cooked dinner and I've been waiting for almost an hour."
Ben closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He needed to go home. To Tessa. "I'm sorry, Tess, I’ll come now.”
As he stood, Ben glanced out the window. On the street below, a man and a boy of about ten years old were leaving a sweet shop. As they walked hand in hand down the sidewalk to their car, tears pricked Ben's eyes. If only he could wind the clock back.
On his way home, Ben stopped at a florist and bought a bunch of flowers. Just as well, because when he arrived home, Tessa stood in the doorway with her arms folded and her lips pinched.
Ben gulped. He hated seeing Tess upset. And it was all his fault. He stepped out of the car and moved towards her, flowers in hand. “Tess, I’m so sorry.” Tears pricked his eyes as her expression softened and she held out her arms to him and pulled him towards her.
“Ben, it’s okay. Just don’t shut me out, please?” She lifted her hand and slipped it behind his neck, drawing his face closer to hers. Her eyes, only inches from his, reflected the pain he was feeling. “We’ll get through this, Ben. I know we will.”
Ben squeezed back his tears as he took her face gently in his hands. “I hope so, Tess.” He lowered his mouth and kissed her slowly and tenderly. “I love you.” His voice was little more than a trembling whisper as his heart beat with love for his beautiful wife.
After dinner, Tessa suggested they take the dogs for a walk. To her surprise, Ben agreed. But when Sunday morning came and Ben said he didn’t feel like going to church, her new found hope that Ben was pulling himself out of his depression slipped away.
She sat down on the bed and leaned over him, propping herself on one elbow as she ran her fingers playfully along his jaw. "Won’t you come with me, Ben—? Please?”
"Not today, Tess." Ben pushed himself up on the pillows. Dark circles hung under his eyes. "I'm sorry, but I just don’t feel like going.” He drew in a slow breath. “I can’t face everyone again.”
“Oh Ben. No-one’s judging.”
“That’s what you think.”
“If they are, that’s their problem. They just care, that’s all.”
Ben raised a brow. “Really? If they cared, why do I feel we’re being stared at all the time?”
Tessa exhaled slowly. “They’re not staring, Ben. Most people don’t even know what’s happened. As far as they’re concerned, Jayden’s just gone to live with his mother.”
Ben shook his head. “I still feel I’m being judged.” He stroked her face and looked into her eyes. "I'm not losing my faith, Tess, if that's what you're thinking. And I'm not questioning God. Well...maybe a little. But I just can’t face all those people at the moment with their happy families." He closed his eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he gulped.
Tess leaned her head onto Ben’s chest and snuggled into his arms. If only Ben would let his walls down and allow people to minister to him rather than thinking they were judging him. She lifted her head. “It’s okay, Ben. I’ll go on my own.”
When Tessa returned from church a few hours later, Ben was in the kitchen making sandwiches. She set her purse and Bible down on a nearby chair and draped her arm across his shoulder as she kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Feeling better, sweetie?" She squeezed his shoulder, and her heart warmed when he turned and kissed her.
"A little." His voice was still tinged with sadness, but any improvement was better than none.
Tessa filled two glasses with ice and grabbed a jug of juice from the fridge. "The sandwiches look great.”
The corners of Ben’s mouth lifted slightly. “Thought I’d do something useful while you were out."
"Thank you." Tessa smiled warmly at him before carrying the glasses to the outdoor table.
"This is nice, Ben. We need to do it more often."
Ben lifted his face and squeezed Tessa’s hand. The dark circles still sat under his eyes, and she didn’t like the deep furrow that had formed on his forehead. Her heart ached for him as she held his gaze. God, only You can heal broken hearts. Please heal Ben’s.
“It still doesn’t feel right without Jayden here.” Ben gulped and turned his head away, fixing his gaze on Jayden’s bike sitting in the rack to the side of the deck.
Tessa took his hand. “I know Ben, but we can't change what’s happened.”
Ben turned his head back towards her. “If only I’d done things differently with him.” Ben’s eyes glistened.
“Oh Ben. Stop blaming yourself. It’s not helping. We have to be strong together, and in God, and we’ll get through it.”
“I don’t know how to get through it, Tess, that’s the problem. It’s so easy to say we have to trust God,” he paused, “but this cloud’s hovering over me, and it doesn’t want to lift, regardless of what I do.”
Tessa wrapped her arms around his shoulder. “You poor thing. I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling.” She leaned up and kissed his cheek and wiped away the tears rolling down his cheek with her fingers. “Pastor Fraser referred to a verse this morning which spoke to my heart. It was Matthew 11, verse 29.” Tessa straightened a little. “You know the verse, Ben. ‘Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.’” Tessa squeezed his hand. “That’s what we need, Ben. Rest for our souls. We need to pray more, and read the Bible together like we did before all this happened. Let God transform our hearts and our minds. He can give us peace in our hearts in the midst of all this.”
Ben drew in a slow breath. “I don’t know if it’s as simple as that, Tessa. I agree we should pray more, and read the Word more. But you know I’m prone to depression, and I think it’s got me again.”
Tears pricked Tessa’s eyes. Hearing Ben admit this was unexpected, but he was right. He needed help, professional help, and it was wrong of her to simplify th
e solution. It was so easy for Christians, including herself, who’d never suffered from depression, to gloss over its effects and suggest the person should just be more spiritual.
“Maybe you should see your doctor?”
“Yes, I think so.”
Tessa met his gaze and a moment of silence passed between them. “Can I pray?”
Ben nodded, giving her a wistful smile.
Tessa placed her arm on Ben’s shoulder and held his hand. “Dear Heavenly Father, you know our hearts are breaking, and we feel at such a loss. Lord God, I pray that you’ll help us to get through this, and that you’ll wrap Ben in your loving arms and give him peace. Please give the doctor wisdom to know how to treat him, and please be with Jayden. Look after him, Lord God, and please bring him back to us soon. Thank you for your love. You only want the best for us, Lord, and we’re sorry for not trusting you enough, and for carrying the blame for what’s happened when we know we can’t change it. Lord, please forgive us and take us by the hand as we continue on this journey that’s been threatening to tear us apart. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
“Amen.” Ben swiped tears from his eyes as he lifted his head. “Thank you, Tess.”
Tessa smiled broadly at him. “We’ll get through this, Ben, and we’ll come out the other side as better people. I know we will.”
D.r Stewart had been Ben's personal physician for ten years. An even-tempered elderly man with a steady heart, he held genuine concern for his patients. After giving Ben a physical exam the next day, he told Ben there was nothing physically wrong with him.
Ben knew that.
Dr. Stewart placed Ben’s medical folder on his desk, leaned back in his swivel chair and folded his arms. "But something’s bothering you.”
Ben lowered his head and fidgeted with his hands. Why was it so hard to talk about it? Easier just to pretend nothing was wrong, but could he really continue living with this cloud hovering over him, day in and day out? Tessa’s prayer had touched his heart, and he wished it was just as simple as she’d initially suggested. Why couldn’t God just lift the cloud from him? How often in the past had he heard that Christians shouldn’t suffer from depression? But he knew better than to question God. Depression was a mental illness, and as horrible as it sounded, it was real, and he needed treatment.
Ben drew in a breath and lifted his head, holding the doctor’s gaze for several seconds. “I think my depression’s back.”
Dr Stewart tapped his chin. “Mmm. I think you might be right, Ben. Would you like to talk about it?” He glanced at the clock. “I’ve got a few minutes.”
Ben ran his hand through his hair. How could he summarise what had happened and how he was feeling in a couple of minutes? He let out a heavy sigh. “There’s really not much to say. Jayden, my son, has chosen to live with his mother in America, and I’m feeling like I failed him. I haven’t been eating or sleeping, and my wife’s concerned about me, and I’m just feeling down all the time.” He shrugged. “I guess that’s it in a nutshell.”
Dr Stewart’s eyes softened. “I’m so sorry to hear that, Ben. It must be a difficult time for both you and your wife, so I can certainly understand why your depression’s returned. Let me write you a script, and I think you should get some more counselling.” He lifted his face. “How did you find that counsellor I referred you to last time?”
Ben let out a small chuckle. “How long have you got?”
Dr Stewart cocked his head, drawing his brows together as he wrote out the script. “A few seconds, why?”
“Let’s just say it was an interesting experience.” Ben’s expression grew serious. “She had an accident recently, and seems she might be paralysed for life.”
Dr Stewart looked up from his writing. “That’s not good to hear. Poor girl.”
“Yes, it turned out she’s my wife’s best friend, so no, it’s not good.”
“You’ve got a lot going on. Here, take this, and come back in two weeks. In the meantime, here’s a referral to a different counsellor who’s a specialist with mental health issues. He’ll be able to help you.” Dr. Stewart stood and held out his hand. “Good luck, Ben. I’ll look forward to seeing you again soon.”
After leaving the doctor’s office, Ben sat in his car in the parking lot for a few minutes before heading back to work. He was tired of forcing a smile on his face and pretending everything was fine. The medication would help, but he needed to speak with Jayden, find out if he was truly happier with Kathryn than with him and Tess. Having no contact at all was killing him. Am I that bad a father? Ben placed his arms on the steering wheel and rested his head on them. He was tired of being tired. God, please help me. And please be with Jayden. Keep him safe, and please bring him home.
Chapter 7
The week passed slowly, and by the time Friday came, Tessa was looking forward to the weekend. But first she and Ben had a meeting with Preston Iken. He had news. As she waited for a bus to take her to Preston’s city office for the eleven a.m. meeting, she prayed the news would be positive, but had a sinking feeling it wasn’t.
Ben stood outside on the busy pavement when she alighted ten minutes later. He leaned down and kissed her cheek, and she took his hand and squeezed it. They took the lift to the fifth floor in silence.
The receptionist offered coffee. They thanked her politely. The eleven o’clock news beeps sounded from the radio on her desk. Ben crossed his legs at the ankle and then changed them back. He shifted in his seat. Tessa squeezed his hand again. Her own heart was beating faster than normal. If only Preston would hurry up. Soon they’d know one way or the other—had their application been accepted or not?
The receptionist delivered their coffee and directed them into a meeting room. She placed their coffees on the table. “Mr. Iken will be with you shortly.” She left. The clock on the wall ticked loudly. After what seemed minutes, but was actually no longer than thirty seconds, Preston bustled into the room, a manila folder tucked under his arm.
“Good morning, Ben, Tessa. Sorry to keep you waiting.”
Ben rose and shook Preston’s hand.
Preston settled himself in the large leather armchair, placed the folder on the desk, and adjusted his glasses. Leaning forward, he met Ben’s gaze over the top of his bi-focals and paused.
“I’m afraid I don’t have wonderful news.”
Tessa reached out for Ben’s hand. It was cold and clammy when she squeezed it.
“The application was rejected because you don’t have custody, Ben.”
Tessa’s shoulders slumped. Exactly what she’d been dreading.
Beside her, Ben remained rigid, as if he were having trouble processing Preston’s words. She closed her eyes and swallowed. The small progress Ben had made this week would now be under threat. How would he handle this devastating news? Her heart cried for him. She exhaled slowly and leaned closer to him.
Preston continued. “I know this is disappointing, but we tried our best. The only avenue now is to seek custody, but as Jayden’s fifteen, the court will take into consideration his preference.” Preston paused. There was no need to state the obvious. Jayden had chosen to live with his mum. Preston cleared his throat. “Go home and think about it, and let me know if you’d like pursue that option.” He removed his glasses and shifted in his seat, his voice softening. “I’m so sorry, Ben. I’d hoped it might have snuck through, but given Jayden’s age and the lack of a court order, it didn’t stand much chance.”
Ben drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Thank you for trying.” His voice was brittle. Subdued.
“My pleasure, Ben. I just wish I had better news.” Preston picked up the folder and pushed his chair back. He paused and looked at Ben and then at Tessa. “I meant to ask if you had any questions.”
Both Ben and Tessa shook their heads.
“Oh well, then, just let me know about the custody issue once you’ve had a think.”
“We will. Thank you Preston.” Tessa stood and shook his hand. Ben fol
lowed suit.
Once in the lift, Tessa slipped her arms around Ben’s waist and drew him close, resting her head on his chest.
Tears stung Tessa’s eyes when Ben placed his arms around her shoulders and hugged her. It was going to be a long road, but at least they had each other.
Later that evening, Tessa knocked softly on Ben's office door and poked her head in. Ben sat in front of his computer, but didn't seem to be working on anything in particular. The glow from the screen was the only light in the semidarkness of the room. Tessa walked up behind him and placed her hand lightly on his shoulder. "Come for a walk?"
Ben twisted around and leaned back in his chair. The dark circles had returned, and his face looked pale and drawn. "Sorry, Tess, I really don’t feel like it. You go.”
Tessa sighed. "Come on, Ben, it’ll do you good.” She tried to remain patient and calm. He’d hardly said a word after the morning’s meeting with Preston.
He held out his hand. “Maybe tomorrow. Okay?”
Tessa sighed. “Suit yourself.” She unwound the dogs' leashes from around her hand and stepped back into the yard. She felt like slamming the door, but refrained and closed it quietly behind her. Bindy and Sparky jumped up from the grass. They could barely hold still while she fastened the leashes onto their green and yellow collars. Despite their eagerness and enthusiasm, Tessa couldn't share in it.
As she left the house and started down the tree-lined path to the dog park, tears Tessa had been holding back broke free and poured down her face. The ebbing warmth of the evening air had no bearing on her, and even though Bindy and Sparky accompanied her, she felt alone. She gulped as she wiped her tears away. Will we ever be happy again, God? She’d been trying to keep positive for Ben’s sake, but it was wearing her down. All the hopes and dreams she and Ben had of surrounding themselves with laughing, happy children were now dashed. First the miscarriage, and now Jadyen. Tessa sighed heavily. She’d even started to wonder if God was listening to her prayers. Especially after this morning.
Tormented Love: A Christian Romance (The True Love Series Book 3) Page 4