by Olivia Gates
He crouched on his heels beside her. “Not talking to me?”
She laid her cheek on her knees, looked sideways at him. The afternoon sun struck Prussian blue off his hair, russet from his eyes. She sighed. “That’s your trick.”
His winged eyebrows dipped then he presented her with his profile, staring at the depressing vista that greeted them every day the moment they emerged from their tents.
Another sigh escaped her, exaggerated this time. “There you go again.”
His face swung back to her, a twitch playing on his lips. “I talk to you all the time.”
“So does my radio. But neither of you is talking with me.”
The twitch became a smile, if an unwilling one. If he only knew how wonderful his smile made the world, he’d make it part of his humanitarian efforts! If only he smiled at her…A pang went through her, more violent than any that had come before it.
She’d known that coming here, doing this would be hard, would probably hurt. She’d known nothing.
But she’d had to come. She had to search for the truth behind his crushing hold on her memories, on her senses and decisions. She had to search for her truth, beyond the numbed, purposeless being she’d been before him. The being with no capacity to love or to inspire love.
It had taken only a week with him to show her the truth. A week filled with more appalling, heart-wrenching, depleting and desperate events than she could have imagined, more than she’d imagined she could withstand.
And the truth was that she was no longer blunted. She’d surely found her purpose. She had no idea if time would turn stimulation into laceration, and drive into despondency and deadening. It was too early to tell.
One thing it wasn’t too early to know. The truth about her feelings for Javier.
They had been all about fierce gratitude and sexual dependence. Talking had been taboo because she’d feared exposing herself, ending her mystique and her hold over him. Because she’d been terrified that would have demystified him, ending his magical influence over her.
She needn’t have worried, not concerning him. He’d turned out to be far superior to the dream persona she’d superimposed on his true character.
If she’d come searching for release, for closure, she’d committed a grave miscalculation. She’d never have those. Not now she’d discovered her endless capacity to love, the capacity her love of him filled to overflowing.
It went beyond hard and hurt. Beyond damaging.
She pressed her knees closer, waiting out the racking spasm. Take it one breath at a time. Until you go away.
And get this over with. “The line you’re here apologizing for crossing—why bring it up after all this time, Javier?”
He blinked his confusion. “I wanted to apologize all day but I was swamped until a few minutes ago. I shouldn’t have contradicted you in front of the others like that this morning. I’m sorry.”
Ha! So he wasn’t even referring to their sizzling-freezing scene. How had she thought he was? After a whole week? That was gone and forgotten, along with all their intimacies.
That night, he’d left her behind and had run out to resuscitate Torres. She’d swayed out after him, cold and burning and wrecked, but had still joined his fight for their patient’s life. After Torres had stabilized, they’d walked out into the dawn and she’d turned to him, needing his heat and power more than ever. But he’d just headed to his tent without a word. He’d talked to her again only when it had been strictly necessary and work-related.
Oh, she’d pretended he’d been avoiding her because, like her, he’d hardly been able to breathe with wanting to follow through, because he’d feared the distraction and not giving his all to the mission.
What a piece of elaborate self-delusion. Stupidity and wishful thinking were truly inexhaustible.
He’d only succumbed when she’d taken him by surprise or when he’d been at his most vulnerable, emotionally and physically. Nothing a few moments’ clarity couldn’t erase!
OK, it was time to stop being stupid.
And had he said sorry for today’s incident? He sure didn’t look it. And he should.
“So, you think you were wrong to contradict me publicly, or wrong, period?” His eyes wavered. Gotcha.
She pressed her advantage. “Let’s not talk bull here, Javier. I gave you my résumé. If you haven’t bothered to read it, let me tell you what’s on it. I spent the last year of residency in critical care, something I know you didn’t do. So I probably have more experience than you in deciding how to treat Señora Inez’s post-operative adult respiratory distress syndrome.”
“Savannah—”
“And you’re not sorry you overrode my decision, since we both know you haven’t ever considered me as your equal in this mission, and that to you I’m just the nuisance, the excess baggage. So let’s dispense with this flimsy excuse for attention to protocol and workplace ethics, OK?”
“Savannah—”
“And, since this is your turf where you reign supreme, let me tell you what I’ll do. I’ll just be an extra pair of hands until this mission is over. Surely I’m at least that, and you can use all the hands you can get. So just be happy you have a pair more. Just put up with me for seven more weeks, pretend I’m not here—hell, just go on pretending I’m not here—and everything will be just dandy, OK?”
“Maldición, Savannah, will you let me get a word in here?”
“No. And you know what you can do with your so-called apology, Javier!”
“You do with it what you want, because you are going to have it.”
“How quaint! Undermine me in public, then ask my forgiveness in private!”
“I’ve already retracted my words publicly, told them to disregard my directions and to implement yours, and that I was going after you to apologize.”
“You didn’t!”
“You think I’m making this up? Just to pretend I’m not so petty I can’t admit it when I’m wrong? You think my chauvinism is terminal, don’t you? Not that I blame you.” His mouth twisted as a self-deprecating huff escaped him.
On the outside, she maintained her disbelieving stare. Inside her, everything rioted. Pull him down, take his lips, wipe that twist off his mouth, draw his gasps of surprise, his groans of arousal—
Steady!
He laughed again, raised both arms, his muscles an easy expansion of power, his hands rubbing the back of his neck in a self-conscious gesture. “Ask anyone for corroboration. Alonso will probably give you an exact transcript of what I said. The gist is that I was out of line, and not because I opposed you, but because of the way I did it. It was inexcusable, even had you been wrong—which you weren’t. Can you forgive me?”
Her heart had gotten used to being a shriveled fist in her chest. But it kept expanding so fast, so hard, with every hint of warmth, of approval, of resurrected desire, only to collapse again every time he beat her back. That would exhaust its resilience, burst it, sooner or later. She lowered her forehead to her knee. “Quit changing the rules on me, Javier. I can’t take this.”
“Savannah, I don’t—”
Her head swung up, her voice rising, breaking. “Don’t keep swinging up and down. Don’t start behaving as if I’m not just some vice, some excess, some tarnished memory you’d do anything to wipe away, only to push me away and tell me that I am, and that I am one of the few superfluous things in this world. Just be consistent, OK?”
Scalding mortification swelled in Javier’s chest. Where was all this coming from? She couldn’t believe all this nonsense, could she?
Her filling eyes said she did. Madre de Dios! “Savannah, stop it! I never said anything like that! Superfluous?” His harsh laugh was painful, incredulous—ashamed. He may not have said those things, but hadn’t he thought them? How could he have been so unjust, so cruel? Dios—what had he done to her?
“Don’t worry, it’s not just your opinion. Seems to be a consensus. My father, my exes, even my mother—you know wha
t she…Wait a sec, you don’t know about my mother. Or anything else about me. And you’ve made it clear you don’t want to. And why should you? Nothing important there.”
“Savannah, for God’s sake, you’re being unreasonable now.”
“Yeah, poor little rich girl having a self-pity party. Don’t mind me, OK? Get on with your life and just leave me alone. That’s what you do best after all, so just go on doing it!”
Could it be? Savannah suffering from self-worth issues, confident, super-charismatic diva that she was? It seemed unbelievable.
And even if she was, he couldn’t have contributed to them! Or if he had, then it had to be as a last straw, after the important people in her life had done the real damage. The important people and the important men in her life…
Don’t think of those. Don’t! Focus. Think this through. This could be your chance to understand her and her reasons for being here.
Their time together had come right after her divorce. Was this time following another failure, another break-up—with Mark? She had been with him all that time and—Don’t think. Push the images from your mind. Just put this right now.
“It’s OK. The last few days, they’ve been hard on you—”
She cut off his placating words. “Yes, they have, but so what? They’ve been the best of my life. So quit that, too. Quit suggesting that I’m hating this, that I’ll break. Quit waiting for me to. Enough, Javier!”
Had he done all she was accusing him of?
Yes, he had.
After the Torres crisis, after that flare-up of insanity, he’d run for cover to wait out those four days he’d promised himself to endure, waiting for her to break, hinting in a dozen ways that she soon would.
But she hadn’t, when she should have. Those first four interminable days of brutal exertion, hovering danger, sporadic sleep and limited rations should have done her in.
She’d already lost weight and color by the second day and her sustained shock at witnessing the magnitude of humanitarian catastrophe had been glaring. The accumulation of suffering from neglect and desperation was something she couldn’t have even imagined. Hell, he hadn’t been prepared for its brutal impact. And she had almost crumpled on a few occasions, but she’d struggled up to her feet after each stumble and had kept plowing on with the rest, even ahead of them, leading them right alongside him.
Then, during the past three days, the real work had started. The scope of what was needed was far larger than any projections—intimidating, overwhelming. Even he, the most practiced, the most hardened among them all, felt himself starting to buckle under the pressure.
Why hadn’t she? Why was she saying this was the best time of her life? He needed a rationalization, something—anything.
The rebound theory didn’t hold water. So was she having a purpose-in-life crisis? Yes, that made sense.
Her quest here was becoming clear, her ability to carry it out unquestionable now. And by his skepticism and disapproval he was undermining her morale, her efforts, denying her what she was working so hard for. He had no right to do that, even if he was going crazy being near her.
She was getting up. He always managed to make her walk away in distress. Stop her, heal her, no matter the cost to yourself.
He blocked her way, reached for her. His hands met air as she jumped back and started running to the MSU. A dozen meters off, she turned and…smiled? Her solitary dimple was winking at him. His heart fired so hard it must have burned a hole in his ribs. “Hurry up. I want to watch you eating a slice of humble pie before our evening list.”
“This is our evening list? Which sadist put it together?” Alonso threw the list down in disgust, glaring at Savannah and Javier.
Elvira laughed. “I’ll give you three clues. The sadist is huge, sleeps four hours a day, and runs on cosmic energy.”
“Thought so!” Alonso’s grumbling rose. “At this rate I’ll be operating the three anesthesia stations simultaneously for the next ten hours!”
Javier shrugged. “So? One anesthetist, three anesthesia stations. Do your math. It was bound to happen. We’ve extended our stay in Cundinamarca for another two weeks but we still have over eight hundred surgeries.”
Caridad soothed the fuming Alonso. “I’ll help.”
Alonso rolled his eyes in open ridicule. “You? Give me a break!”
Savannah’s heat spiked. Alonso was a real nice guy, gregarious, capable and committed. But, boy, was he stupid, too. Maybe a good thump would help his perception. Or maybe it was Caridad who needed the smack. What was she doing, panting over a man who didn’t…?
Oh? So we’re knocking self-destructive women who languish in unrequited love now?
Yeah, maybe she should be. With herself topping the list.
Still, Caridad’s deficient instincts of self-preservation didn’t mean Alonso could yank her around like that. That last comment had been plain rude!
Savannah’s thoughts stumbled and stopped as Javier uncoiled, got to his feet and went to look down at Alonso. The following moment’s total silence shattered with the chill bass of his voice. Déjà vu snatched at her heart with its clarity and power. Javier—defending her in the night, in her bleakest moment, vanquishing her attackers.
“Take that back right this second, Alonso.”
Alonso started. A sympathetic shiver ran through Savannah. Few things were as frightening as Javier in cold anger. And he was incensed. Any form of abuse to women was a volatile issue with him. His viciousness with her attackers had been a clear indication of that. He’d given her further proof just a few minutes ago when he’d publicly groveled to her in atonement for his minor offense. She’d wished he hadn’t gone to such lengths. More reasons to love him weren’t a good idea.
“Javier—”
Javier overrode Alonso’s choking protest. “Apologize, now! And if one more careless, disparaging word comes out of you, I’ll give you the chance to finally appreciate Caridad’s nursing skills firsthand.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“Please, Dr. Sandoval, it’s all right—”
Javier cut off both Alonso’s and Caridad’s agitated responses. “I don’t care what you meant, Alonso. And, no, Caridad, it isn’t all right. This stops now. I’m only sorry I didn’t put a stop to it earlier. I hope you forgive me for not stepping in before.”
Miguel, Luis and Elvira shifted, tried to walk away, to leave the main players to their scene. Savannah rose, too. She had no wish to sit through another penitence performance. She’d joked about Javier eating humble pie, but she’d squirmed when he had eaten it, and so well. Vengefulness was one vice she didn’t have, it seemed.
Javier’s calm order stopped their collective movement. “Stay where you are, everybody. As you all heard him delivering the insult, you’ll all hear him asking forgiveness for it.”
Alonso stumbled to his feet, limped slowly over to Caridad. Savannah’s chest tightened with oppression and pent-up tears. Sensations she’d become familiar with since Javier had left her, since she’d seen him again.
I don’t want to see this.
Savannah closed her eyes then opened them again, only because she knew Javier would order her to witness the apology as she had the affront.
Alonso had been callous with Caridad, over and over. But he was a strange mixture. Cocky and lovable, abrasive and fragile. Sometimes he made Savannah want to kick him, but mostly he had her wanting to hug him, protect him. Seeing him now, face bloodless, lanky body hunched, wounded eyes wavering on Caridad’s bent glossy black head…
God! That exposure, that longing…It was unbelievable, but unmistakable. How had she missed it before? How had they all?
Alonso loved Caridad!
“I’m sorry, Caridad. So sorry. It’s just I—I…” Caridad’s hiccuping sob stifled Alonso’s muffled, halting apology altogether.
Enough. Savannah heaved herself up to her feet, clapped her hands. “OK, people. I think we’ve had enough contrition for one day. For
the remainder of our stay in Cundinamarca even. We’ll resume our male submission courses when we reach our next destination. How about we get on with our mammoth-sized list?”
“Great idea.” Luis jumped down from the emergency stretcher, eager to end the crisis. “I have ten—count ’em, ten—assorted adenoidectomy and tonsillectomy cases tonight.”
“Ten? And you think you’re swamped, huh?” Elvira rushed to the scrubbing compartment, extra-bright. “I have four hysterectomies, eight tubal ligations, and two Cesareans!”
Nikki hurried after Elvira. “At least you get to finish and go. Me, Caridad, Gideon and Alberto stay behind and juggle all the patients you splurged on around the MSU’s stations!”
Miguel went to ready his surgical station. “I’d brag about how my lot beats all of yours. But I won’t. Suffering in silence marks a true martyr!”
Savannah forced a laugh at Miguel’s joke, and passed Javier on her way to take her turn outside scrubbing. She received an impressive scowl. So he didn’t appreciate her interruption of Alonso’s chastisement? Tough.
He held her arch gaze and came to her side. He propped his shoulder on the wall and leaned down, his words for her ears only, caressing them. “It had to be done, Savannah. He was going too far.”
There was no anger now. He was seeking her approval, her validation. Making peace? Admitting her equal status now that he pitied her along with everything else, after that pathetic show she’d put on out there?
Oh, Javier, I can take anything but pity…
She kept her humiliation out of her voice. “I agree. And your reaction was commendably chivalrous and righteous. But it wasn’t the time for it.”
“Por Dios, Savannah. This was far worse than what I did this morning. And it has been going on and on. He as good as slapped her!”
“Yes, but before you exacted your punishment we had a not-more-than-usually subdued team member. Now we have two almost useless with agitation. Not very wise, considering our upcoming night.”
His bronze face turned copper. He’d only ever flushed before in extremes of arousal, of ecstasy…
He titled his head backwards, stared at the ceiling. “Dios—I’m usually a better team leader than that. But I saw Caridad shriveling and I just couldn’t think of anything else.”