Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  He stands from his seat on the rock next to me, and I fear I’ve screwed this up already. When he turns to walk back in the direction we came, my heart sinks. I wish I could just be a normal girl, who knew how to act around other people. Bringing my knees to my chest, I lay my forehead down on them to hide my embarrassment.

  He only makes it a few steps before I hear him stop. I bristle at the thought of what his next words might be. But then the feel of his body sliding down my back, as he takes a seat behind me, and places me between his legs, leaves me with a sense of relief.

  His breath across my ear sends a shiver down my spine. “You’re not weird, Ri. God, I wish you could see how special you are. I can tell what you think of yourself, and you’re wrong.”

  Tears prick my eyes. How can I be this transparent to him? I’m battling the feelings of wanting to let him in and reveal more of me to him, and pushing him away because he’s seen too much. He’s the only boy to ever show me any interest, so I can already tell pushing him away won’t be that easy.

  “Is this okay? Me sitting with you like this. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but damn if I don’t want to be close to you,” he says.

  “I don’t know,” I honestly answer, because even though his closeness comforts me, I hate to think of the consequence when I get home if Dave finds out.

  JT puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me slightly to face him. “Give me a chance, Ri. I felt how you relaxed when I sat down behind you. That means something.”

  I take in his sincere eyes. “I’ve never been good at trusting people.”

  A sad smile touches his lips. “I know, and that’s okay. I’ll work hard at gaining your trust, but that means you have to give me a chance to prove myself to you.”

  “I’m not sure I’m worth...”

  He stops me. “You are.”

  Three

  Jon~present day

  Adrenaline courses through my veins, as my fists pound the bag hanging from the ceiling at my old gym. I haven’t been here for years, but it feels good to be back. Sweat rolls down my back and my muscles burn. I’ve been at this for at least an hour, and I have no plans on stopping any time soon. I need to get back at it.

  I haven’t fought in years, but I tried to keep up on my training or at least my physical strength. Being back in the neighborhood I grew up in gives me all the motivation I need. After the way I left here eight years ago, I don’t think those feelings will ever go away. It’s the right amount of fuel to get me back in the ring, but keep my ass out of jail. At least for now, I just can’t run into her.

  One mistake and I lost everything. My fists increase their rapid succession with thoughts of her. She stole my future, while I tried to protect hers.

  “Ease up, man. We’re just working on your stamina. Take it easy,” Mase says from behind me.

  My progression comes to a halt, and I take a seat on the bench with Mase.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have come back.” I’ve only been here a couple days, but it already feels like a bad idea.

  “Why not?” Mase asks.

  I can’t even respond with words. He knows why. I just look at him with a blank stare. He can’t be serious.

  Recognition registers on his face. “Right. No, I know why you say it. I guess I can’t figure out why you feel that way.”

  “I can’t talk about this right now.” I start unwrapping my hands, feeling frustrated as hell.

  Mase stands. “Look, man, this is your home. Shit got crazy back then, and you got caught up in the middle of it. Anyone would have reacted the same as you did. Had I been the one to visit home, it would have been me. I never imagined that shit going down. I always thought he was stricter with her because she was a girl. You belong here, and I’m glad you’re back. I don’t run into her, if that helps. Keeping your distance shouldn’t be that hard.”

  “I’m trying, but being back here brings back so much anger and resentment. I don’t want to live feeling this way; now’s my time to have a chance at actually living.” Dropping the tape on the bench, I bury my face in my hands.

  “I’m here for you. Always have been, always will be.” Mase places his hand on my shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze of reassurance before walking off to his office.

  This gym was our dream, but only Mase had the chance to follow through with it. I had to sit back and listen to his adventures in life each visit he made. I enjoyed seeing him over the years, he’s the only one who stuck by me, but it made the reality of my situation all the more painful.

  I was a fool, who fell in love with a girl and fought for her, even when it wasn’t what she wanted. I never should have loved her or laid eyes on her. I hope I never have to again.

  Four

  Riley~present day

  I’ve had some setbacks, but that’s life, right? I guess they were more urges than setbacks. Surprisingly, I never actually fell, unless you count the time in Nate’s office. Sex in random places is a big no-no for me, but I can honestly say, thanks to Nate, I have only been with one man for the past six months, and four of which I was celibate.

  Nate stepped in and saved me. He helped me find the way to become a stronger person. After finding Striker in Reagan’s kitchen, it broke me. Why couldn’t I respect myself more than I was?

  I’m humiliated to think back to things I’ve done over the years. The rattling of pans coming from the kitchen reminds me of how far I have come. An amazing therapist and group meetings helped me realize just how fucked-up my past was, and why I may make the decisions I do.

  The chill of ceramic tile penetrates my feet as I make my way into the kitchen. I hate cold feet and cold hands. I hate being cold in general, but seeing Nate warms me a bit. His back is to me as he works at the counter next to the stove, where pots sit bubbling with our dinner.

  “Whatcha cooking?” I slide my arms around his waist.

  He’s flustered, which is not something anyone but me gets to see. My heart swells, thinking of our comfort with one another.

  “I’m shooting for spaghetti. Not sure if it will turn out, I might burn the sauce before the noodles are done. I should have started boiling the water first.”

  Reaching around him, I turn off the burner where the sauce sits and place a lid on the pot to keep it warm. “There, problem solved.”

  Nate releases a harsh breath, then turns to face me. “I’m no good at this cooking shit. We should have just ordered out like usual.”

  I fist my hands in his shirt, pulling his lips to mine. “Well, I appreciate the effort.”

  The vibration of his satisfaction is felt through his lips. A smile tugs at mine.

  “Maybe you can reward me later,” he chuckles, pulling me back to him.

  We get lost in each other’s kiss, nipping, licking, and sucking. Nate’s hand slips under the hem of my shirt, lightly grazing my skin. His touch makes me feel things I thought were lost long ago. Just as he begins to slide my shirt up to rid my body of it, the loud scorching sound of water boiling over the pot’s edge hits our ears.

  “Shit.” Nate scrambles to the stove, turning off the burner and grabbing a towel. “You distracted me.”

  I laugh at his accusation that it was all my fault. “Step back, sir. Let me plate up our meals before you hurt yourself.”

  Stepping behind me, he lets me gather all that we need. Once both plates are prepared and in my hands, Nate sweeps my hair to the side, exposing my neck to him. “I’m still coming to your place tonight, right?”

  Closing my eyes, I embrace the shivers he’s causing. “Of course. Kiley will want you to read to her. I already told her you were going to be there.”

  His nose sweeps against my sensitive skin. Once. Twice. Three times. “I love reading to Ki, but what I’m looking forward to the most is when I get to read your bedtime story.”

  I’m hardly able to form a response as his tongue runs the course his nose just did. “Mmm, Nate. Our dinner is getting cold.”

  “Fuck dinne
r. How about I eat you instead?” his sultry voice says against my ear, deepening the ache that’s building low in my pelvis.

  Glancing at the clock on the stove, I realize there’s not enough time. I would love to skip dinner and spend our time wrapped around each other, but I’m starving and Kiley will need to be picked up soon. “I can’t right now. I have to leave here in twenty minutes to get Ki, and I’m starving Nate. I haven’t eaten all day.”

  God, it’s hard to say no, but my therapist wants me to keep working on my focus toward other things I need in my life, and food is one of them.

  Nate softly sinks his teeth into my shoulder, and then pulls away. “Come then, Ri. I need to feed my girl.”

  We sit quietly for a moment, but there is something I want to say. It’s been on my mind since our conversation in his office about Jonathan. I want to embrace these words and run from them at the same time.

  “Are you going to say what’s on your mind?” Nate asks.

  Looking up at him, he’s smiling, giving me the reassurance I need to know I can talk to him about anything. There are fine lines kissing the edge of his eyes, giving away the happiness he has experienced in his life. It also reminds me of our age difference, twelve years. As I age, I will probably be blessed with heavyset wrinkles across my forehead, along with those nasty number elevens I can already see permanently etching themselves between my eyebrows. Life has not been as joyful for me.

  However, I want to move forward. I want to find complete happiness. That’s why I need to talk to him about this. I need to move forward. I just don’t want Nate to question my intentions.

  “I need to talk to Jonathan,” I blurt out.

  He shifts in his seat, not enough to say he would completely oppose it, but enough to let me know the thought affects him. “Okay, and why do you feel the need to?”

  I didn’t realize back then that my life was completely fucked up, and I fell into a trap that I didn’t even know was there. He suffered from my inability to face the reality I lived in, when all he wanted to do was protect me. Sadly, I just recently figured all of this out.

  Placing my hands in my lap, I look him in the eyes. “I need to apologize.”

  “I can understand that,” Nate says.

  “I feel guilty. His life was ruined because of me. I thought about him a lot after everything happened, but I never once reached out to him.” How could I have been so cruel? He was always good to me, showing me how to truly feel loved for the first time in my life. “I’m a monster, Nate. How could I have been so blind?”

  Tears flow freely down my cheeks. I’ve learned to let myself cry over the past year, and sitting here now, I do. I don’t try to hide them, and I don’t want them to stop. I want to feel every ounce of sorrow and hate for myself. Jonathan spent years of his life in a jail cell because of me.

  Nate walks to my side of the table and pulls me in close. “I can understand why you would feel that way, after everything you told me the other day.” Pulling back, he squats in front of me, looking deep into my eyes, so he knows I’m listening. “You never asked to be put in the position you were placed in. Please don’t take this huge step backward. Talk to him, if you must, but I have a feeling, he will forgive you after you explain. What kind of person wouldn’t?”

  Sniffing, I nod my head in response. Gentle hands grab my face on either side, and the soft swipe of his thumbs rid my cheeks of their tears. “Thank you.”

  “For what?” Nate asks.

  “For being you. I was lost until you showed me the way.” Leaning forward, I press me lips to his. In my mind, I know he loves me, but when I can feel it through his touch, it’s absolutely amazing. His lips give me life and I feel myself calming down.

  Nate stands, grabbing my hands, and pulling me up with him. “Go get Kiley, and I’ll clean up here. Pick a good book and I’ll meet you two for a bedtime story.”

  Leaving his house, I’m still saddened by my betrayal of Jonathan, but I have hope one day I’ll have freedom from all this pain.

  Five

  Jon~the past

  She’s so beautiful. This is my favorite time to sit back and watch her. She’s carefree. I can’t quite figure out what happens at her home, but she is never at ease there. Not like this. With her arms out, she spins ankle-deep in the pond, soaking up every ray of sun that kisses her skin.

  Her stepdad is a real ass and super strict, while her mother acts like she barely exists. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she says she doesn’t want to taint our time together with stories of her homelife. I’ve even approached Mase about it. He’s reassured me what I see is basically all there is to it. He can’t figure out what his dad’s problem is when it comes to her.

  Mase could get away with murder, but Riley only gets an hour or two out of the house a week with me. Dave, her stepdad, is always judging what she wears, most days she dresses like a nun, and he’s constantly adding more chores to her list.

  Tonight, we have forty-five minutes left until Riley is due home. I parked close to the creek today. Heading back to the car, I turn some music on, something soft and slow. I just want to hold her, pull her close until her body aligns with mine, and breathe her in.

  As I approach her, she stops twirling and faces me. Her arms hang loosely at her sides. No fidgeting, or picking at her nails, and her bright green eyes stay focused on mine. It’s only been a couple weeks since we came here with Mase, but she’s gotten comfortable with me in that time.

  Her wavy blonde hair blows in the slight breeze, drawing my attention to it. One of my favorite things to do is run my fingers through her soft tendrils. There have been a few times where she lets a moan slip out, and I have to fight the urge to have her in every way, but I won’t push her about taking things to the next level. She is in charge of how fast or how slow we go.

  A smile graces her lips when I reach out and wrap my hand around hers. “I love it here. It’s so peaceful.”

  I smile back and pull her toward me, not saying a word.

  “What are you doing, JT?” she asks, clearly concerned about my intentions.

  “Dance with me.”

  Riley laughs. Not a laugh full of humor, but one giving away how nervous she feels. “No. I don’t dance.”

  I grab hold of her hands, bringing them both up and wrapping them around my neck. I’m tall at six foot three, but she’s fairly tall for a girl at five foot seven.

  Slowly, I let my fingers glide back down the bare skin of her arms, then let my hands fall to her waist. “Today you do. It’s just the two of us. There’s no one here to judge your moves except for me, and I would never do that. I’m not sure you could do much wrong in my eyes anyway.”

  Her forehead falls to my shoulder. “Please. I do plenty wrong. I have to be the most awkward person you’ve ever meet.”

  Raising a hand to her chin, I guide her face up until her eyes meet mine. “You’re shy, Ri. That’s it, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I actually enjoy watching you break out of your shell a bit when we’re together. I would never call you awkward, more like appealing. Now dance with me.”

  We don’t move much; only sway back and forth. I want to feel her closer, but I’m afraid to scare her away. Mase tells me she’s about as pure as they come, not to give me encouragement to go after something I don’t deserve, but to threaten my life if I cross any lines, but I would never do that to her.

  There’s just something about Riley. I feel an emotion I haven’t been able to wrap my head around yet. Of course, I feel the tightness of my jeans every time she is near, but that’s not the feeling I’m talking about. This is something entirely different. It’s this tugging, fluttering feeling in the pit of my stomach. My heart races a bit when I think of her, which is all the time. It’s stupid, I know, and not something I share with my friends. The last thing I need is for them to ride my ass about falling for Mase’s quiet, weirdo of a stepsister. Their words, not mine.

  If they saw her how I get to see her, t
hen they would understand, and I’d have to whoop anyone’s ass who even thought about touching her. I don’t even want to think about it.

  Forcing myself out of my own head, I realize her hands have moved to wrap tighter around my neck, causing her to stand on her tiptoes. I take that as my cue to pull her closer, wrapping my arms tightly around her back. I bury my nose in her hair, catching the sweet scent of vanilla and something else I can’t quite name.

  Our bodies continue to sway back and forth. I don’t want the song to end. I feel like it might cause her to pull away, and this is the most affection I’ve seen from her. I want to enjoy it a little longer. I hum to the beat of the song, softly in her ear. I’m so focused on how I want to make her feel, that when I feel the softness of her lips against my neck, I freeze.

  Riley backs away. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”

  I’m thrown off by her response. I reach for her hand to pull her close again, but she pulls back out of my reach. “Why are you sorry?”

  “I just…God, I don’t know what got into me. Please don’t tell Mase. Dave will be angry. I’m not really allowed to date, and you never even said that you’re interested in me that way. I’m just a stupid girl,” she rambles.

  “Hold up! Dave knows you’ve been hanging out with me. He’s not stupid, and what exactly do you think this is, Riley?” I try to keep my composure, but I’m pretty sure, I’ve never lead her to believe I just wanted to be friends.

  “I know we’re just friends. I hope you can forgive me.” Riley’s hands are twisted together, as she tucks them under her chin, trying to fold in on herself.

  “No, Ri, that’s not what this is,” I say, moving my hand back and forth between us. “I thought I was pretty obvious in how I treated you. I like you, Riley, more than any girl I’ve been with. I don’t really know what that means, but I’d like to have a chance to find out.”