Fighting My Affections

by Elizabeth Wills

  People say that women hold all the power, right between their legs. What a false belief. I don’t want that kind of power anymore. I want respect. I want love. I want a real family for my daughter and she loves Nate. I need to learn to love him too. I once thought I did and I want that back.

  ****

  It’s late evening; Nate should finally be on his way. I’ve decided to give in and make him a part of my life. He is what we need. He loves me and I will love him. It’s possible I haven’t loved him fully because I haven’t let him be a part of every aspect of my life.

  Today that changes.

  I’m going to get in contact with Reagan and Striker. They need to spend time with Nate. I want to know what Reagan thinks of him. I’m also going to cut back my time with Mase and Jon. Mase is doing great these days, and Nate is right to dislike my time with Jon. I have taken things to a completely unacceptable level when it comes to looking for Jon’s forgiveness.

  Forgiveness is one thing, but I am focusing all of my energy on a man who isn’t mine. I thought that maybe we could get back what we once had. Jon’s love is something I’ve always carried with me, but he’s made it pretty clear he’s not interested in anything other than friendship.

  I’ve given Kiley a taste of what a real family can be, and I won’t take that away from her by making stupid spur-of-the-moment decisions. I’m going to fix this. We are going to have the future I always dreamed about for her.

  I’m still dressed in my clothes from work when he arrives. He loves to see me in my office attire. My shirt is unbuttoned to below my breasts, exposing my braless cleavage for him. I need to make him desire me in a way I haven’t seen in months. I want his eyes to flare and his need for me to take over his every action. Talking can come later, where I will apologize for all of the wrong I’ve done to him.

  His eyes take a moment to focus on me when he enters through the front door.

  “Hey. Did you have fun with the boys?” I try sultry, but my nerves are frayed and my voice shakes.

  Removing his jacket, he hangs it on the coat-tree next to the couch. He meets me where I stand, looking down to take in my appearance.

  “You want me to fuck you tonight, Ri?” His harsh tone catches me by surprise.

  When I talked to him earlier on the phone, he sounded hopeful, as did I, but now I’m uncertain of his mood.

  Placing my hand on his chest, I swallow my nerves. “I thought we could make it more than that tonight. Nate, I miss you. I miss us.”

  He chuckles at my request, backing me up against the wall until I’m firmly caged in. “What, do you love me again? Am I all of the sudden good enough for you?”

  “What is …” My words are cut off.

  His mouth crashes into mine and I take what he gives. Bruising lips and clashing teeth; it should be hot as hell, but his stance over me reminds me of days I’d much rather forget.

  Pulling away, he drags me to the couch where he sits and pulls me to my knees in front of him.

  “How much did you drink tonight?” I ask, cautiously, but not cautious enough.

  Grabbing my hair painfully in his grip, he twists my head in an unnatural way, before getting in my face. “Don’t fucking question me. From what I hear, I should be questioning you.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He jerks me again and I clamp my lips shut, holding in the whimper that begs to escape. “Are you being a dirty little whore again? Is that what you need from me? I can treat you like the whore you are.”

  I don’t answer right away. I don’t know where this is coming from. I go over our conversation again from earlier, lost as to what is happening right now. He’s never been this rough with me, even when I’ve asked for it. This is different. I’ve always noticed something feral under Nate’s surface, but tonight it’s unleashed in a way I never thought possible.

  I yelp as he pushes me to the floor, flat on my stomach. My cheek is chaffing from being pressed against the rough weave of carpet. The slightest push to my head and it may leave rug burn on my face, but I don’t want evidence of tonight. I want to wake up tomorrow and forget the feel of his knee pressed into my back as he holds me to the floor. I want to wake up with no recollection of the burning in my muscles from him pulling my arms tight behind me.

  The room is quiet except for his breath against my ear, or the occasional whimper from my lips. I hate the sound of them. I hate they make me sound weak and he has the ability to hurt me. He was once my savior, my escape from all the bad. Now I realize how wrong I have been.

  I thought I was doing better, not letting just any man into my life, but this man made it past all my defenses. I let him into parts of my life where no other man has been. He met my daughter. She fell in love with him.

  The warmth of his breath crosses my cheek. I can tell by the bitter smell, he’s been out with his friends drinking expensive bottles of bourbon and puffing on cigars that cost more than my monthly rent. My eyes burn as I fight back the tears begging to be let free. I won’t let them win.

  “You won’t make a fool of me, Ri.” His voice has a low menacing tone.

  His knee digs deeper into my back, and he tugs tighter on my hair before pulling my head back and away from the floor. “You are mine. Don’t you dare forget it.” His eyes are piercing as he focuses in on mine. Searching. Looking. Waiting.

  I try to calm my erratic breathing before speaking a word. I don’t want him to know that he has the power to break me. I don’t want him to know I fear him in this moment. I don’t want him to know his assumptions are correct. I want him to believe the next words that leave my dry, cracked lips.

  “I would never leave you.” My voice is a whisper, but it remains even. “I need you, and so does Kiley. We love you.”

  He tugs on my arm, increasing the pain in my shoulder. It’s strained enough that I am afraid he might dislocate it. “Why am I hearing these things about you then, Ri? My colleagues saw you with him. They saw way he looks at you.” His hand leaves my hair, and my face lowers to the floor. My skirt hugs my thighs, but it tears easily as he forcefully pushes it up to my waist.

  My breath catches in my throat. “Wha…”

  “Has he touched you?” His hand reaches down and cups me between my thighs. “Here. Has he had a taste of what’s mine?”

  I struggle to turn and face him, but it’s useless against his strength. I shake my head frantically. “No, I swear. Please.”

  He grips me tightly and moves his hand forcefully against me. “I won’t give this up. It belongs to me. You belong to me.” He lowers his head again, painfully nipping my neck. His knee moves off of my back until he’s straddling me. His weight lifts and he rolls me until I’m on my back. “Do you understand?”

  My heart is pounding, and my breath passes my lips in rapid succession. I look into his blue eyes; the ones I used to find myself getting lost in. Now they are full of pain and anger. His jaw is covered in a five-o’clock shadow, but the way it’s clenched is what really catches my attention. I’ve never seen him like this. His nostrils are flared, and his face is red. Pressure is building inside of him, and I know if I don’t answer soon, he’s going to snap. I can feel it. I just can’t find my words amongst my fear.

  “Do you understand?” he says, through gritted teeth.

  I need to agree, but I don’t want to. I’ve finally decided to fix things with him, but now I understand why a life with him was hard to accept. He’s just another Dave. He’s just another man out to control me.

  I thought he was the perfect catch. I search his eyes again, trying to find that spark. The one you feel when you share a deep connection with someone, but it’s not there. I shake my head slowly back and forth as my lips part to speak, but I can’t form the words. Tears prick my eyes, and I can’t keep them at bay this time; they roll out of the corner of my eyes.

  He grunts in anger at my silence, and before I know what’s happening, there’s pressure against my throat. It’s difficult to bre
athe. I take in the monster before me. Panic builds in my chest as he rips and pulls at my clothes, tearing them from my body. I dig at his hands and arms, trying to break free, but it’s no use. My legs kick and flail. This is not the man I know. He would never risk everything in a fit of anger.

  “Please stop,” my words strain with lack of air. There’s a pressure building in my head as I struggle under him. I need more air.

  “Mommy!” Kiley hollers from the steps.

  In an instant, I’m gasping for air. The harsh ragged sounds of my deep inhale fill the room. It seems like an hour goes by before my breathing evens out to a normal rhythm. I roll over onto my hands and knees, silently thanking my daughter for never listening when I send her to bed.

  “Go back to bed, Kiley,” I finally say, needing her away to hide from this hell.

  I let my body sag and curl up on the floor. Nate is pacing beside me.

  “Please, Kiley, head back to bed,” Nate voice is hesitant.

  “Is Mommy okay?” My daughter’s tiny voice is full of sadness and concern.

  “I’m fine, honey. I’m sorry. We were just playing.” Gathering myself, I turn my head toward her. “Go on now, be a good girl and listen please.”

  I watch her turn reluctantly and run back to her room, the door slamming behind her.

  “Ri.” Nate’s hand reaches out, grazing my back.

  “DON’T TOUCH ME!” I jump at his touch.

  I hear the sound of him sitting on the couch. Crawling further away, I sit up, looking across the room at him. I don’t know this man at all. He rubs his hands up and down his face, collecting himself.

  How fortunate for him that he can. I feel like a shattered vase that has been smashed on the floor. I was a beautiful collector’s piece he placed on a pedestal for quite some time, always there to show off to his friends. I was the object people complimented him for obtaining. He treated me with care. I was kept in a protective case until he came along, tempting me with his safekeeping. How easily that foundation slipped, allowing me to fall and crash into a million pieces.

  Covering myself with the little that remains from my clothes, feeling cheap for the first time, I find the courage to speak, “I need you to leave.”

  Nate’s eyes meet mine and he looks broken. “Riley, I don’t know what got…”

  I raise my hand stopping his words. “I can’t sit here and listen to your apologies right now.”

  “Please, let’s talk about this,” he begs.

  “Just go.”

  Nate walks out without another word. He looks defeated and I wish that was all I felt. He’s crushed any kind of faith I built in him. He’s ruined everything I finally thought we would be able to have. He’s ruined us.

  Twenty-six

  Jon~present day

  “Hey, man, grab me another beer while you’re in there,” Mase calls from the couch.

  Grabbing two beers from the fridge, I head back out to watch the game. No sooner than I sit down, someone pounds on the door. Both of our heads snap up, and we look at each other confused about who could be on the other side. Seconds pass and the pounding starts again.

  Mase hops up to answer. “Who the fuck?”

  He barely has the door open before Riley is pushing her way through. “I need help.”

  I haven’t seen or talked to her in over a week. We hung out a bit after the night we talked about our past, but she just stopped calling with no explanation. It may be for the better. She is with Nate and being around her was stirring old feelings in me. I can’t be the other man. It’s not who I am and Nate seems to really love her.

  “What’s going on?” Mase asks.

  “Kiley is missing. I can’t find her and I don’t know how long she’s been gone.” She’s pacing while shaking her hands at her sides in a panic.

  “Where have you looked?” I ask, jumping from my seat, stilling her with my hands on her upper arms. She needs to calm down and focus.

  “Just around my neighborhood. I talked to Striker and Max is missing, too. They have to be together. I want to go to the park and look around. I’m so worried.” Her hand shakes as she brings it to cover her lips.

  I grab my coat off the back of the couch. “I’ll go with you.”

  Mase holds the door open as we leave. “I’ll stay here and see if she shows up. It’s not a far walk here from your house.”

  I open and shut her car door when we reach it in the parking lot. “Have you called the police?”

  “No.”

  I pull out my phone. “I’ll call. What if someone took her?”

  “We don’t need to call the police,” she barks.

  I continue to unlock my screen. “Yes, we do. You don’t know how long she’s been missing. She could be anywhere.”

  “I’m going to the park. We’ll check there first and then I’ll talk to Rea. If Max is missing too, then I’m sure no one kidnapped her.”

  “We don’t know for sure if they’re together.”

  She pulls into a parking spot at the park and we both jump out of the car. We search high and low, calling out Kiley’s name into the frigid night air.

  “She’s not here. She’s not here,” she states over and over, like she was certain this was where she would be.

  “We need to call the police, Riley.”

  “NO!” she snaps.

  I know Riley cares for her daughter. I see it every time they are together. She would protect her in any way that she can. I don’t understand what is happening here. Who doesn’t call the police when their child is missing?

  “Riley, what is going on? Where is your daughter?”

  She collapses on a bench, crying. “She’s upset with me. I know she ran off. She’s threatened me all week. I just didn’t think she actually would.”

  “What happened?” I pry.

  “It’s been a horrible week. Some shit happened, and I don’t know how to deal with it, let alone help her deal with it. It’s just a bad time.” Her voice breaks over her last words, revealing to me the pain she’s suffering.

  “Is that why we haven’t heard from you this week?” I take a seat next to her.

  She nods her head, staring at the ground.

  “Do you think she’s with Nate? I know you said she was close with him.”

  “I don’t think she would call him,” she whispers.

  “Have you talked to him since she went missing?”

  “No. I know she wouldn’t go there.”

  “How?”

  Her head snaps up until she’s looking at me, frustrated. “I just know, Jon.”

  I’m getting aggravated. A child is missing: her child. I’m trying to help, but she’s being vague or getting upset every time I try to brainstorm about the possibilities of where Kiley could be. Taking a couple of deep breaths, I calm myself before taking her hands in mine and pulling her up from the bench.

  “I know this is hard for you. I’m only trying to help, but I need you to tell me all you know, so we can figure out where she went. I feel like there’s more that led to this.” I tuck a wild strand of hair behind her ear. “What is going on? Why did Kiley leave?”

  Riley leans into me and sobs against my chest. I wrap my arms tightly around her shoulders; hopeful she’ll release some of her pent-up feelings then finally tell me what happened.

  “I wish I could tell you what happened, but I can’t,” she mumbles, still wrapped in my arms.

  I pull back and look at her. “You can tell me. I swear I won’t judge, I just want to help find your daughter.”

  She continues to cry, but we’re wasting time.

  “How about I drive? We can keep looking. Maybe you can call your friend again.” I don’t allow her to answer. I just pull her along to the car.

  I’m about to mention calling the police again. I just don’t think Riley is thinking rationally. I can’t imagine what it does to you as a parent when your child is missing. As soon as I open my mouth to speak her phone rings.

  “St
riker! Please tell me you found them.”

  I can hear his voice through the phone, but I can’t make out what he’s saying.

  “Oh, thank God!”

  Relief washes over me and I pull the car over. I didn’t realize how tense I was over Kiley being gone, and the adrenaline let down is fucking with my head. I just need a minute.

  Riley shakes her head; listening to everything Striker has to say but never gives a verbal response before hanging up the phone.

  “They found them. Are they okay?” I reach over and thread my fingers through hers.

  “Yes,” Riley whispers.

  I squeeze her hand, whether it’s to reassure her, or myself, I’m not sure. I just know her sweet little girl is safe and nothing else matters. Searching for her felt like trying to walk backward up an escalator. We were moving in the wrong direction or not at all.

  When I turn to look at Riley, my chest aches. She looks small and fragile next to me, broken. Something bad happened to cause all of this.

  “Riley, what happened this week?” I ask cautiously.

  “I really can’t tell you.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t want you to get angry.” She grabs a napkin from her console and blows her nose.

  “I promise I won’t be mad. I’d rather know what is going on.” Maybe I should just leave it alone. Her daughter is safe and that’s all that matters.

  “No, I can’t mess things up for you. I promised myself I would never cause you anymore trouble.”

  Cause me trouble, how is that possible? “How can your family problems cause me trouble?”

  “Trust me.”

  “No, Riley, I need you to trust me.” I can’t leave this alone, for whatever reason, I need to know what happened.

  “You’ll get upset, and I don’t want you to freak out and try to fix things.”

  I pull at her hand. “Look at me, Riley. I promise I won’t get involved. I just want to be here for you.”

  Her dispirited eyes search mine. She’s battling herself. Can she trust telling me her secret? I want to trust myself to hear what went on, but seeing how afraid she is to share, I’m a little worried I may not be able to handle it. My eyes wander from hers; fearful she will see I’m not sure I trust myself.