by Diana Currie
“Okay, you two. Knock it off. I wanna eat,” Ethan said. “What kind of a breakfast is this, Hannah?”
I felt Shane laugh in my hair and we reluctantly separated our bodies. I smiled at him and playfully punched his stomach before turning my attention to the loud hungry man-child behind me.
“It’s called ‘Hannah wanted to use up all the perishable food in her fridge before going home for a month’, Ethan. I hope you like it,” I said sarcastically.
He started removing lids from the dishes I’d set out on the table and making yummy noises.
“Western omelets. Toast and jam. Fried potatoes! Hot dogs? Milk and orange juice,” he said thoughtfully.
“And pumpkin spice cupcakes with cream cheese icing,” I said pointing to the serving plate behind him covered in foil.
“Yes, Hanny! That’s why we love you, girl!” Ethan announced happily. I blushed and quickly took my seat at the table.
The four of us ate our smorgasbord breakfast and then Rachel helped me wash dishes while the boys loaded the cars with our luggage. I always hated leaving the house between semesters. After two and a half years it was really starting to feel like home.
“Ready to go?” Shane asked. I took a look around to make sure everything was unplugged and all our bags were gone from the hall.
“Yep. Let’s go,” I said.
Once we were on the road that nervous feeling started to creep up on me again. Shane fiddled with the radio until he found something he liked.
“How were your finals?” I asked breaking the ice.
“Surprisingly well. I think I made Dean’s List this semester.”
“That’s great, Shane.”
“What about your classes?” he inquired.
“Very good. All the extra study time I had really helped.”
“Rachel made it seem like that extra time was good for you in other ways too?”
I blushed. “Yes. I feel like myself again,” I assured him.
“How so?”
“You know, back to being single, lonely, and sweaty-palmed in your presence,” I joked.
“Ah, the good ole’ days?”
I laughed. “Something like that.”
A minute or two of silence passed before Shane spoke again. “Hanny, I’m really happy that you’re ready to hang out with me again. I suppose I am a little curious though as to how I ought to conduct myself around you. Are we just friends again? Am I allowed to tell you how beautiful I think you look today? Can I ask you out to dinner?”
I smiled as I stared out the windshield at the road ahead of us. It sure didn’t take long for him to get to this topic again.
“Yes, yes, and not yet,” I answered honestly.
He nodded. “Fair enough.”
We stayed on neutral topics the remainder of the trip, discussing books we’d studied that semester, new music we’d discovered, and our plans for winter break.
“What do you think about Ethan and Rachel going to France for two weeks?” I asked.
“I’m happy for him and his parents. I just don’t know what I’m going to do in Pittsgrove without him. I guess Jack will be eager to get out of my parents house a few times,” he replied thoughtfully.
“Yeah, then maybe you boys can watch Adam and I’ll take Ally and Casey out shopping or something.”
“I’m sure Ally would love that. I know she misses you.”
“It’ll be good having them in Newark next semester,” I agreed.
“Maybe you and I can hang out some too?”
I smiled and took his hand in mine. “I’d like that,” I replied squeezing his hand for a moment and then letting go.
*~*
On Christmas day Lenny and I piled all our presents into his police cruiser and drove over to the Decker’s house. I could tell immediately that Ally had been up to no good. The house was decorated with red velvet ribbons and garland. There was a beautiful giant Christmas tree near the windows in the living room decorated with silver ornaments and white lights. I placed our packages under the tree and made my way around the room greeting everyone. Shane gave me a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek.
We opened presents while Elise cooked. Colin had insisted she join us but she said that she had to keep an eye on the food and her greatest gift was having us all there. I offered to help Shane clear out the torn wrapping paper and empty boxes as everyone sat around the living room conversing with one another and admiring their new gifts. After dumping the paper in the trash cans outside I followed him out of the garage and down the hall to rejoin our family. He paused in the entrance to the kitchen to check on Elise.
“You okay in here, mom?” he called.
“Oh, yes dear. Thank you. Can you do me a favor and ask if anyone out there needs a fresh drink?”
“Sure, ma.” Shane smiled and we continued down the hall together. I froze when we reached the foyer that connected the hall and dining room noticing a holiday decoration hanging over the archway. Shane stopped to see why I paused and followed my eyes up to the mistletoe hanging above him.
He let out a nervous laugh and said, “I told Ally not to put that up. I told her it was a dumb tradition.”
I smiled and blushed. “It’s okay… I know how she always gets her way.”
He grinned and said, “Okay… let’s go,” turning toward the living room.
In a moment of pure spontaneity and intense need I called out to him. “Shane!”
He spun to face me, his brows raised in confusion, as I stepped forward grabbing his cotton t-shirt in my hands. He sucked in a breath and I reached up on my tiptoes to gently press my lips to his. My eyes closed and I felt Shane’s hand weave into my hair holding my head in place. His mouth parted slightly as he took my bottom lips between his. I reveled in the taste of his lips for a few seconds before finding the strength to pull away. I stepped back and looked at his face which appeared to be a mixture of confusion and lust.
“I don’t think it’s a dumb tradition,” I whispered and pushed him towards the living room. I watched him smile as he stumbled away. Then I escaped into the sanctuary of the kitchen to see if I could be any help to Elise.
“Hey, darling,” she smiled at me as I approached. She was bent over the oven checking the dinner rolls.
“Smells great in here,” I said. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“I think I’ve got it under control. Unless you need a reason to hide out for a while?” she guessed.
I leaned against the counter to watch her work. “How did you know?”
She smiled warmly at me and began draining the potatoes. “You can mash these for me.”
I was glad she was finally allowing me to help her in the kitchen. I needed a good distraction from the feel of Shane’s lips on mine. My body was still reeling from the increased blood flow.
“Shane mentioned you were having a hard time lately but didn’t say any more. I’m not going to pry but I want you to know you can always talk to me.”
“You remember meeting my boyfriend from school?” I asked, wondering how much Shane had told her about our situation.
“Yes. Aiden, right?” she replied. I nodded.
“We broke up a few weeks ago and I’ve been keeping to myself a lot since then, trying to figure out what went wrong and what to do now.”
Elise had dumped the potatoes back into the pot and sat them down on the counter beside me. She pointed to the masher and said, “I’ll get you the milk and butter.”
“So I take it you loved this boy, Hannah?” she said gently, interested in hearing about my problems like my own mother.
I grimaced, thinking about that last conversation Aiden and I had about love. “Aiden could see I didn’t love him as much as he loved me. That was why he ended it,” I explained. “It’s not that I didn’t want to, I tried…”
“Love is not something you can force yourself to feel, sweetheart. And it wouldn’t be fair to the other person if you did. Any two people in a relations
hip will have to make a thousand compromises over the years. But you do it because of the love you have for each other. Every other detail will fall into place as long as that love you share is strong.”
“I was hurt and confused at first, but with that time to think I realized that Aiden was right. I just don’t know where to go from here. I still have feelings for him. How do you move on when you still care for someone? When they’ve claimed a piece of your heart?”
“Hannah, the heart has the most amazing ability to stretch and grow. Colin is not the first man I ever loved. And after we married, he was the most important person in the world to me. You might say that he had my whole heart, until Shane and Ally came along. I didn’t love my husband any less just because there were two new people in my life to love. The heart grows bigger, it knows no limits.”
I took a minute to let Elise’s words soak in. She made a good point. My feelings for Shane didn’t diminish in the least after I met Aiden. I loved them both. I had always seen that as my problem.
“I hope you don’t mind my saying so but I always wondered why you and Shane never got together,” Elise mused. She pulled the turkey out of the oven and was checking the internal temperature. “I know he’s my son and I’m biased but he’s a good man. And I see how much happier he is when you’re around. There’s a heck of a lot more love in his eyes when he looks at you than with that Wendy girl he brought home.”
“I don’t know what he saw in her either,” I agreed starting to feel uncomfortable in my chosen hiding place.
“I don’t want to interfere, but the love you two have for each other is what I’m talking about. Whether you remain lifelong friends or discover something deeper is up to you, it’s none of my business. Either way you’ll always be a part of this family.”
She handed me a stack of plates with utensils on top and asked me to go set the dining room table. I happily accepted the task and made my way out of the kitchen. I set twelve places and then returned to see what else I could do for her.
“Bring these rolls out to the table and then find Colin for me? He needs to carve the turkey,” she answered.
I sent Colin in to do his job and sat back down in the living room with my friends.
“You okay?” Ally asked.
“Yeah, I’m great. You’re mom doesn’t accept much help in the kitchen,” I joked.
Ally smiled and said, “This is her favorite time of year. She just loves having the house full of family.”
A few minutes later we were called to dinner and everyone practically ran towards the delightful smells coming from the dining room. Colin led a short grace before anyone ate. Over dinner our parents shared Christmas stories about us growing up. We all laughed at the story Rachel and Jack’s dad told about the mistake of buying the twins bikes when they were seven.
“They both cried when we told them they couldn’t go outside in the snow to ride them. We had to move all the furniture against the walls so the kids could learn to ride on two wheels in the house,” Jack’s dad explained.
“That’s where this little scar came from on my forehead when Rachel crashed into me,” Jack explained.
“I rang my bell, Jack, you should have moved out of the way,” Rachel defended.
Adam was napping in the pack-n-play and when we heard sleepy whimpering Ally stood up to check on him. “I got him Ally. You eat,” I insisted. “I haven’t had my chance to hold him yet today.”
She thanked me and I hurried into the living room to pick up Adam. He had grown a lot since August. He was chubbier and his hair had filled in a little. I saw immediately what made him cry. He’d rolled over onto his stomach in his sleep and it woke him. Cradling the baby against my chest I swayed back and forth until he calmed down. It was still strange to think of Ally and Jack as parents. Holding the infant reminded me of all the babies I’d cared for in the UD daycare where I worked. It was hard every time their moms’ classes ended or they made other arrangements for childcare. It was rule #1 not to get too attached to the babies but it was still hard every time one of them moved on. I watched baby Adam as his eyelids starting getting heavy and he drifted back to sleep.
As I sat on the sofa to make sure Adam was sound asleep when I laid him back down someone made a noise behind me. I turned my head to see who was there and found Ethan standing in the archway. I smiled and nodded for him to come over. He peeked at the baby’s face before sitting down next to me.
“Full already? I thought you’d be tearing it up in there,” I teased.
“I haven’t had a chance to talk to you alone in like a month. Just wanted to see how everything’s going.”
“I’m fine, E. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“I know, Rachel said you were better. I was actually wondering what you’re waiting for now.”
“What?”
“Hanny, all this time you’ve been in love with Shane. Now you’re single. He’s single. And if you didn’t notice he’s crazy about you. I’m starting to go mad with anticipation,” he said.
“Has Shane been talking to you about us?” I questioned.
“Yes, but that’s beside the point,” he chuckled. “I’m not getting in between you two, just wondering if you were waiting for something in particular.”
I sighed. “I’m waiting to stop feeling guilty. I know Aiden told me to go and be with Shane, but it still feels wrong.”
“Did you know Aiden and I still talk? We’re in the same fantasy football league,” he said.
I shook my head. I hadn’t thought about Ethan and Aiden staying friends after we broke up. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. He must have sensed my apprehension.
“I’m sorry if it’s weird. The bonds of brotherhood run deep.”
“It’s okay. How is he?” I asked hesitantly.
“He’s okay, Hanny, really. What I wanted to tell you is that both Shane and Aiden have talked to me about you. Who would have thought I’d be the guy with the steady girlfriend, that everyone comes to for advice?” he laughed. “Anyway, you should know that Shane is the one who’s depressed and pining for you. Aiden’s kinda made his peace and is ready to move on. He’s excited about Illinois.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Aiden misses you, but I think that’s pretty normal. You don’t have any reason to feel guilty.”
“Thanks, Ethan. I think you might be the wisest among us after all.”
“Ha, I’ve known it all along,” he joked. “I better get back to the table for round two. My pants are feeling a little loose.”
I laughed and thanked him. I stood up when he did and attempted to lay Adam back in the playpen. He fussed for a few seconds but settled down in no time. When I rejoined the others Lenny was just beginning to tell everyone about my first Christmas in Pittsgrove when I was four. I caught Shane smirking at me while dad explained my fear of the snow when seeing it for the first time.
After dessert we “kids” sat around the table and played board games while our parents chatted in the living room. I kicked butt during our game of Scrabble. Then for Trivial Pursuit 90’s edition Rachel and Ally wanted to couple off for teams. Shane asked Casey to join our team which made me feel a little less like I was being set up, but I still gave Rachel a really dirty look. She and Ethan won that game and we were about to choose something for a rematch when Lenny poked his head in and asked if I was ready to go. The Hender’s took the opportunity to leave at the same time so we all said our good nights. I thanked Elise for the wonderful meal and her good advice. She hugged me and reminded me to think about what she said. I promised her I would.
CHAPTER 28: MULTIPLE CONFESSIONS
Three nights after Christmas I was lying awake in bed unable to sleep, thinking about what I was doing and why I needed to keep Shane at arm’s length. I kept telling myself when the time was right I would feel it. But nothing had felt right in a long time. I pulled out my bathroom bag looking for something to help me sleep. I found some over the counter sleep aids
and took them with a glass of water before returning to my bed. And then my phone buzzed with a text message. It was from Shane.
Can I come over for a little while? I need to see you. – S
I guess so. Is everything okay? – H
Shane didn’t respond and after a few minutes I lay back down and shut my eyes. I must have dozed off listening to the sounds of the Eagles game coming from Lenny’s bedroom.
At some point in the night I woke up. I was disoriented but it was still dark outside so I knew it wasn’t morning yet. Suddenly I noticed I wasn’t alone.
I gasped. “Shane? What are you doing in here?” He was sitting at my computer desk just staring at me in the dark. If it had been anyone but Shane I would have screamed.
“You told me it was okay to come over, remember? You were asleep when I arrived and I wasn’t able to wake you. So I got worried and have just been watching you sleep for almost an hour.”
“I took Tylenol PM. Is Lenny awake?” I whispered, covering myself with the blankets.
“No, he’s sleeping with the television on. He didn’t see me.”
I let out an exasperated sigh and ran my hands through my tangled mess of hair. For a moment I thought I was dreaming. The Tylenol hadn’t quite worn off yet.
“I’m sorry for coming over like this, Hannah. I needed to talk to you. Not about anything in particular, I just wanted to be with you.”
“Well, I’m sorry I haven’t been good company, being unconscious and all,” I replied sarcastically.
“Oh, but you were,” he smirked. “I’ve been listening to you mumble things in your sleep.”