by Kelly, Hazel
“Maybe I could get you a tea or something, too?”
“I’d love a tea, thanks.”
I nodded and headed to the kitchen.
At first I was relieved that I finally knew the truth, but as I put the kettle on to boil, I couldn’t help but feel that it was all so futile. No matter what I did, it would never be enough.
And after everything she’d done for me, it didn’t seem fair. All she had ever tried to do was help people, and now that she needed help, there was nothing anybody could do.
Chapter 20: Dawn
Kate really made an effort after she found out I was sick. And I never got the feeling that she resented having to help me with anything. Which meant a lot. The last thing I wanted was to be a burden.
And I was grateful that Carol spilled the beans when she did. Telling Carol was hard enough, but I would’ve put off telling Kate until my last breath if I’d had the choice. Her age made it too difficult. At eighteen, she was too old to be fed neat explanations of death and too young to be expecting it to come up.
When I was that age, I felt positively immortal. Yet at the same time, I was sure that my lifestyle would put me in an early grave. Maybe the 27 Club if I was lucky.
In fact, when my twenty eighth birthday came, I was a little disappointed. That was the first time I actually considered the idea that I might make it past thirty. Which was overwhelming enough. The idea of making it past forty never even crossed my mind!
Back then, forty seemed ancient, and I was convinced I would rather die than wear mom clothes and use a walker or have wrinkles and grey hair.
Or so I thought.
Of course, I was only afraid of getting old because I took it for granted. Like it was inevitable. But it was like anything else. You don’t realize how bad you want it until you find out you can’t have it.
I glanced at Kate out of the corner of my eye as she drove.
I could tell she was concentrating because she kept biting her bottom lip every time she checked her mirrors or made a left hand turn. And she hadn’t touched the radio once. Which was good to see. Even if it was only because I’d flipped out at her a few days earlier.
I guess I’d just become extra sensitive to unnecessary risks that could lead to death. Or maybe I was just irritable because I’d finally quit smoking. Regardless, when I saw her checking her phone while she was driving, I just lost it. I even pretended I knew a family who was deeply affected by someone doing that same thing. Even though I was just retelling the story of a couple I saw on Dr.Phil like they were close friends of mine.
But now that I could drop dead any second, there was no time for tact. If I thought of something important to say, I took the next opportunity I had to say it in case I wouldn’t have another chance.
So unfortunately, saying what I was thinking plus my obsession with preventable death plus her below average driving skills equaled stressful car trips.
I would’ve rather driven myself, but I’d been much dizzier than I’d been letting on, and she seemed so desperate to help me out. So I accepted her offer to drive, taking comfort in the fact that it wouldn’t be long before she could go back to worrying about herself again. Like kids are supposed to.
“Is that the one we’re going to?” she asked, nodding towards the CVS.
She braked the moment I nodded and we both flinched as the driver behind us laid on his horn.
“Sorry.” She cringed and turned into an empty curbside parking space. “I swear I’ve been driving for years.”
“I hope you’ll be driving for many more,” I said.
I threw a few coins in the meter and pulled my favorite fleece around me. It was a crisp day, and I probably should have brought an extra jacket, but when we left the apartment I was burning up. Managing my own temperature had become so ridiculously difficult I felt like I was getting a sneak peak at menopause.
When we got inside, Kate was immediately distracted by a large nail polish display at the front of the store so I told her to look around while I picked up my prescriptions. Like most people, I wasn’t crazy about going to the doctor, but I couldn’t stand the pharmacy either anymore because it triggered a new mental illness I’d developed.
It was one of the many side effects of cancer that my doctor didn’t warn me about. I guess the best thing to call it would be “illness envy.” Basically, it meant that I got jealous of anyone who had anything that was treatable.
Like I found myself feeling really envious of the guy who spent ten minutes discussing the health of his prostate and the variable flow of his piss with the pharmacist. And then- even though I knew he was only trying to do his job- when the pharmacist reminded me to be careful with the pain medication I was on because it could be highly addictive, I laughed in his face.
I don’t know. It just really tickled my funny bone. Like haha, I wish I was addicted to my pain meds! No- wait. I wish I had the time to get addicted to them! Wouldn’t that be great?! I knew all about being an addict! It would be just like the good old days! And that would be the least of my problems! It would be a problem with a solution!
I didn’t say all that of course. Instead, I stopped laughing and said I was aware of the risks so he wouldn’t change his mind about handing over the pills.
Then after I paid for my goody bag, I went to look for Kate.
When I turned down the make-up aisle, I was relieved to see that she was not sticking her fingers in the free eye shadow samples and then touching her eyes. Maybe I had already ranted to her about that?
“Are you ready or did you want to get something?”
She held up a green tube. “I was thinking of getting this mascara.”
“That’s the kind I use,” I said. “I probably have an extra at home that you can have.”
“I’m pretty sure you don’t.”
“Oh?”
“And your tube is basically empty.”
“Is it?”
She nodded.
I rolled my eyes. Well that answered that. Obviously, we had not discussed basic eyeball hygiene. Which was a topic I felt strongly about even before my immune system went to shit.
“Well, you better get two then,” I said, trying to decide if my eyes felt infected.
She walked to the register, and I went to wait by the door to save myself the extra steps. I figured I’d save my wheezing for the walk to the car.
“Dawn? Hi!”
I looked up into Craig’s beautiful face. “Oh hi!” I gave him a hug and resisted the urge to not let go.
“How have you been?”
“Good,” I lied. “Fine. Thanks.”
He made a face like he didn’t quite believe me, confirming that I had indeed lost more weight than looked healthy. I glanced down and noticed that he’d already been to the register. And I could see through his transparent plastic bag that one of his purchases had been a very healthy sized box of condoms.
“And you?” I asked. “How are things?” I moved the bag of prescriptions behind my back and stuck out what was left of my chest.
“Same old,” he said. “Though things would be better if you returned my calls.”
He looked hurt. I wished I had the energy to make it up to him. Boy did I.
Kate appeared next to me, and blatantly checked Craig out. She must’ve have seen the apocalypse sized condom box, too, because when she looked up her eyes were twice their normal size.
“Sorry,” I said. “I’ve been…” Swamped? “Crazy.” Shit! “I mean things have been crazy.” I grabbed Kate’s plastic bag and dropped my prescriptions inside.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your sister?” Craig said, smiling.
I squinted at him.
Kate stuck her hand out so fast it was like she’d shot it out of a flare gun. “Kate,” she said, wrapping her fingers around his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Craig,” he said, his eyes flitting around her young face. “And the pleasure’s all mine.”
“Kat
e is my niece,” I said.
“Ahh,” he said. “That explains why she looks so much like you.”
I have to admit, I was flattered.
“And what are you studying, Kate?”
“Actually I’m still in high school,” she said.
“You couldn’t be!” he said, giving away- at least to me- that he’d had impure thoughts.
“It’s my senior year, though,” she said, “and I’m already eighteen.”
Craig and I both smiled at the fact that she thought this was relevant.
“Any idea what you want to do?” he asked.
“I’m not sure yet,” she said, “but I think I might want to go to school out East somewhere.”
“Is that so?” he asked. “I got my undergrad degree in econ at Boston University.”
“Really? What do you do?”
“I’m a lawyer,” he said.
Not surprisingly, she approved. “Cool.”
His shrug was full of false modesty. “Well, if you’re curious about Boston or decide you’re interested in law, I’d be happy to answer any questions you have.” He lifted the bag of condoms in my direction. “Dawn’s got my number.”
Kate looked at me like he’d said Dawn built the pyramids.
“Okay. Cool. Thanks.”
“Well, I have to run. I’m meeting someone for lunch.”
“Lucky lady,” I said, letting my eyes drop to the contents of his bag.
He smiled out of one side of his mouth. “I wish it was that kind of thing,” he said. Then he leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “I’m saving these for you.” Then he stepped back again, turned towards Kate, and nodded. “Nice to meet you.”
“You, too,” she said.
He locked his eyes on me. “Call me sometime, Dawn. I miss you.”
I smiled but promised nothing.
I was actually wishing the whole thing hadn’t happened until Kate and I reached the sidewalk.
“How do you know him?”
“He’s a friend. I’ve known him for years.”
“Wait.” She touched my shoulder. “Just a friend?”
I smiled and shrugged. Which apparently told her everything she wanted to know.
Her face lit up as she gasped. “That is the most attractive person I have ever seen.” She said it like it was a scientific fact. “Ever.”
“He’s very handsome, yes.”
“Wow, Dawn. I mean, shit.”
“Alright,” I said. “Easy does it now.”
“Seriously, if I guy that looked like that called me, I wouldn’t just return his calls. I would do a lot more than return his calls. I would-”
“Okay, I get it.”
“You have his number?!” She rooted in her purse for the car keys. “Did you hear him? He was like I miss you.” She pulled the keys out. “Wait- oh my god- what did he whisper in your ear?!”
I sighed. “Can you unlock the car already?”
“Not until you tell me what he whispered in your ear.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Right after you made a joke about his huge box of-” She looked around and lowered her voice. “condoms. He leaned in and whispered in your ear.”
“I forget.”
“You are so full of it.” She stared at me over the top of the car. “At least tell me whether you have or have not had sex with that gorgeous man.”
I sighed. “Have.”
She shook her head.
I heard the door unlock and slid into the passenger seat, setting the CVS bag down between my feet.
“You are a legend,” she said. “I can’t believe it.”
“I can see that.”
“Do all the guys in Boston look like that?”
“All the guys nowhere look like that.”
“Damn,” she said, crossing her arms. “What is his last name?”
“Just relax, okay. You can Google him when we get home.”
She straightened her arms against the wheel and pushed herself back against her seat. “Oh my god you’re going to have to give me a second.” She inhaled deeply through her nose.
I laughed. “Fair enough. Take all the time you need.”
She exhaled.
“There’s one more place I want to stop on the way home. Now seems as good a time as any.”
“Okay,” she said, starting the car.
“Whenever you’re ready.”
And that's when I learned how many pre-law questions my car got to the gallon.
Chapter 21: Kate
As soon as my pre-law questions started to wear on Dawn, I stopped thinking out loud.
Plus, I was pretty sure I didn’t want to be a lawyer. Unless I could definitely work with Craig. Mostly, I was just blabbering so I wouldn’t ask her a bunch of questions about how that happened and how many times. Because he was like obviously into her.
Though I got the feeling that Dawn hadn’t told him about her situation. Otherwise he probably would’ve been more worried about her health than the fact that she hadn’t returned his phone calls.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but meeting Craig made the fact that she was dying suck even more. I mean, having a guy like that waiting for your call was as good a reason to want to live as any. And she was acting so casual about it! Like she’d forgotten we’d run into him already.
“Left at the light,” she said.
I flicked on the turn signal and checked my mirrors even more carefully than usual. The other night I’d had this horrible dream that we got in a car accident and Dawn was hurt. Not killed and put out of her misery, but like, paralyzed. It was so messed up. Ever since then I’d been nervous about driving her around.
Otherwise I didn’t mind running errands with her. Because she got errands over with as fast as she could. Maybe she hadn’t always been like that. Maybe it was just a side effect of running out of time. But I liked the fact that she didn’t take advantage of my time.
My Mom, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. She would ask me to come along to do a minor errand like go with her to mail some packages so she wouldn’t have to pay the meter. Then six stores and four hours later, we’d pull in the driveway exhausted with a trunk full of crap. And she’d always insist on buying me something to thank me for “my patience” (a.k.a letting her hold me hostage) when all I really wanted was my Saturday afternoon back.
Then again, at least my Mom was still healthy enough to run around all day like that.
“Turn into that lot there.” Dawn pointed up ahead. “Where that blue car is turning.”
I did as she asked, braking slowly so she wouldn’t feel compelled to slam her open palm on the dash like she often did to make a point.
“Just throw it in anywhere.”
I parked the car on the border of the lot so she wouldn’t have to be careful getting out.
“Do you want me to wait here or come in with you?” she asked.
“What are you talking about? I don’t even know where we are.” I pulled the key out of the ignition and turned to look over my shoulder at the building.
“It’s a free Sexual Health Clinic.”
“What does that have to do with me?”
“You’re eighteen.”
“So?”
“And you’re not on your period this week.”
“No. How do you-”
“And I’m assuming you’ve never been to the gynecologist?”
“Why would you assume that?”
“Because you didn’t recognize this place.” She unbuckled her seatbelt. “And because Carol’s in denial and doesn’t think you’re sexually active.”
I swallowed.
“But you are, aren’t you?”
“Define active?”
“Just come on.” She opened the door and got out.
I did the same, locked the car, and walked to catch up with her as she headed towards the door. “Are you sure we have to do this now?”
“Wel
l no,” she said, stopping at the entrance. “But wouldn’t you rather get it over with?”
I looked at the glass doors. “What do I have to do?”
“Just answer a few questions. Then the doctor will give you an exam and discuss birth control options with you.” She pulled her purse up on her shoulder. “We’ll be in and out in no time.”
I crossed my arms. “Uh-huh.”
“Kate.”
“Yeah?”
“If I didn’t think this was important, we wouldn’t be here. Okay?”
I nodded.
“You don’t need to be nervous. Whatever it is you’re worried about, I assure you they’ve seen worse.”
We went inside and Dawn walked up to the front desk with me past a half a dozen other teenage girls seated in the waiting room.
“Walk-in?” the woman behind the desk asked. She was wearing a dated cardigan with tacky pins on it, but had a kind face.
“Yes,” I said.
“Is this your first time here?”
I nodded.
She grabbed a clipboard from a stack beside her and placed it on the counter. “Just go ahead and fill this out, and when you’re done, bring it back up to me.”
I took the clipboard and Dawn led the way towards two seats in the corner of the room.
I stared at the list of questions. The first few were easy, standard really. And then they got personal. It was an out of body experience writing that stuff down below my name knowing it would be on file where a total stranger might see it.
I tried not to think about what would happen when I was finished. Instead, I just focused on filling out the form like everyone else. Though I looked up occasionally to make sure Dawn had her eyes on the Reader’s Digest she’d grabbed off the table between us.
There were questions that I was happy to answer.
No. My vagina doesn’t itch or burn thank you very much.
No. I’ve never had any STIs.
No. No one is trying to force me to get pregnant against my will.
And No. I’m not having anal sex. Ever.
But there were more difficult questions, too, questions that made me feel like I had to lie.
Like what is your current method of birth control?