Dr. Cook waited, giving Elaine time to feel her pain. “You have every right to be angry, Elaine.”
When Elaine took a deep breath and looked up to face Dr. Cook, she felt more in control. Dr. Cook’s validation of her feelings had helped ease her emotions. She was angry, she was tired, and she was so very afraid, but she needed to stay in control.
“You said you should have been quicker, you should have…what? It sounds like you’re blaming yourself, Elaine. Tell me about that.”
Starring blankly at the wall behind Dr. Cook, Elaine thought about the little girl. She had been found dumped in a trash bin. “I was the primary profiler on this case. This little girl was relying on me to save her. I didn’t.”
“You were shot two weeks before Missy Carlton was murdered, Elaine. How was getting shot your fault?” Dr. Cook’s voice was soft and held the hint that this was not really a question but meant to challenge the irrationality of Elaine’s thought.
Elaine thought about the statement for a few moments and tried to remember. All she could see was the blinding red light.
*
Christian hung up the phone and turned to Hannah, who stood waiting by the door. She was still a little embarrassed by all the attention she was getting but knew she had brought it on herself. She would have to be more careful.
“Can I walk you back to the lodge?” Hannah asked once Christian had finished her call.
“Thank you, Hannah, I’d love the company. And thank you for coming for me.”
Offering her arm as she had done the first time they had met, Hannah smiled. “My pleasure.”
Christian paused a moment studying Hannah as she offered her arm. The feeling of peace still calmed her, and she reached out and took Hannah’s hand instead, twining their fingers together. “Do you mind?” she asked. “I feel a strange need to feel connected to someone right now. I haven’t felt that in a very long time, and I’m afraid it will slip away,” she said, her voice a whisper.
Beaming, Hannah squeezed Christian’s hand. “I don’t mind,” she said, turning to lead them back to the lodge.
Christian felt Hannah’s hand close around hers and noticed the feeling was different than when she had clasped Alex’s hand earlier. Hannah’s hand was gentle and helpful but seemed foreign to her. Alex’s hand had felt strong and warm in a way that made her feel like she was protected and caressed at the same time, like she belonged there.
Christian took a deep breath. Her new infatuation with Alex was beginning to irritate her. She didn’t belong with anyone. She had just been tired and out of sorts—there was nothing else going on between them.
After a few moments, Hannah broke the silence. “Alex seemed very concerned about you. Are you sure you’re all right?”
Christian could tell by the tightness of Hannah’s jaw that she was asking more than her words revealed. “Yes, quite. I was very lucky Alex was there, or I might not have been. I’m sorry I worried everyone. Alex took very good care of me.”
Hannah looked thoughtful as Christian explained what had happened. Her eyes seemed to darken for a moment, and then she was her cheerful self again.
Christian decided to press further. “Do you know Alex well?” she asked, trying to hide the faint stirring in her voice.
“I guess I know her as well as anyone at Willow Springs. She’s very private. She’s lived here for a couple of years and has always been a part of Willow Springs. She helps with the grounds, teaches a class now and then, and she’s a great cook. I don’t know anything of her personal life, except she’s some kind of artist. She has a workshop or something at her house and rarely leaves. She has supplies and stuff delivered here and picks them up herself, and no one ever goes out to her house.” Hannah’s brow furrowed. “What was it like?” she asked. “Being at her place?”
“It was very nice,” Christian responded. “It’s very peaceful out there.” Christian remained silent for a while, thinking about Hannah’s experience of Alex. She had found Alex painfully open, very caring, and, yes…she was a great cook.
Christian felt Hannah’s hand protectively squeeze hers as she studied each step along the path. “How about you, Hannah? Tell me about you.”
Hannah’s face flushed at the question, seeming surprised to find the attention turned onto her. “Well…I’m in my junior year at the university, studying business management. I’ve worked and lived here at Willow Springs for three and a half years. I learned about Willow Springs from a runaway shelter in the city when I was staying there.”
“Runaway shelter?” Christian said a little too forcefully, unable to hide the surprise in her voice as she stopped to face Hannah.
Squaring her shoulders Hannah said flatly. “I grew up in a small town that didn’t like people who were…different. I ran away when I was seventeen. I had already been taking college courses and had enough credits to graduate high school, so I put in for early graduation and left, to be on my own. I took what money I had saved from my part-time job and took a bus to the city. The shelter was the only safe place I could find. They helped me enroll in school, and one of the counselors told me about Willow Springs. She made some calls for me and…well, here I am.”
Drawing in her breath as she studied Hannah, Christian felt like she was seeing her for the first time. “That was incredibly brave of you,” she said as she reached out and brushed a strand of hair from Hannah’s cheek. “You’re a very special young woman. I hope you have someone in your life to tell you that every day.”
Hannah’s blush deepened with the comment. But then a proud smile brightened her eyes. “I met a woman about three months ago. She’s special, I think.”
“Good,” Christian said, feeling it right that Hannah have someone to love her. “Maybe I’ll meet her sometime,” Christian said, putting her arm around Hannah’s shoulder and pulling her to her.
Hannah chuckled. “That would be nice.”
*
Once back in her room, Christian showered and readied for lunch. She found the silence of the room stale and still longed to be around others. It was as if she had been locked away in a dark place, and now that she had seen the sun, she couldn’t bear to face the darkness again. Her thoughts drifted to Alex and sitting with her and talking about Cara. She had long feared sharing what had happened with anyone. She had thought that if she said the words out loud, it would make the truth too unbearable. My Cara is gone, she thought. But now, for the first time, she realized that the love they shared was still with her.
Thinking of young Hannah and her journey to find the freedom to love, Christian felt blessed to have had those years with Cara. She thought about what Alex had said about moving on with life, that eventually she would begin to hold on to the good memories. The thought made her feel hopeful. She drew a breath…then another. She pocketed her key and left the silence of the room behind.
Chapter Six
Elaine sat at the far end of the patio at their usual table. Her head was thrown back, and she held a drink in her hand. The light fabric of her slacks and camisole rippled across her skin as the breeze caressed her body. She raised her hand and shielded her eyes as Christian’s shadow fell over her.
“Well, well…look who returns. I heard you had a bit of a scare yesterday,” Elaine teased playfully.
Christian bent and swiftly kissed Elaine on the cheek. “Stop it, you,” she said, pinching Elaine’s chin. As she pulled away, she saw the pale hue of Elaine’s skin and the dark shadows clouding her eyes hadn’t improved. She felt a wave of concern for her new friend. “How are you?” she said a bit more seriously.
“No, no,” Elaine said, pulling Christian onto the chair beside her. “You must tell me all about your little adventure with Alex. She’s a tough one, you know. I can’t remember her ever not being at Willow Springs, but I simply don’t know anything about her. Well, aside from the fact that she’s gorgeous, of course.”
Christian chuckled at the inquisition and settled onto the lounge with Ela
ine, resting her head on Elaine’s shoulder. She felt Elaine stiffen slightly at the contact, but Christian was tired of pretending she didn’t need anyone, and she could see that Elaine could use the comfort of a friend too. After an uncomfortable moment, she began second-guessing this impulsive move and thought, perhaps, she might be overstepping her bounds a little bit. Then Christian felt the breath slip from Elaine as she relaxed against her.
“I’ll tell you all about it,” Christian said, pulling Elaine’s arm around her shoulder. “But don’t think for a minute I don’t see that something is wrong. When you’re ready, I hope you’ll talk to me about it.”
Elaine was still and quiet for what seemed like forever. Christian could feel her uneven breath on her hair. After a while, Elaine whispered, “I’ll try.”
Christian squeezed Elaine’s hand and started her story. She noticed she talked faster as she became excited, and she became more demonstrative with her hands when she described the cabin and talked about her long conversations with Alex, about how much they’d enjoyed cooking together. Despite her resistance, she felt happy just thinking about Alex.
“Oh my, Christian Sutter, you are smitten!” Elaine exclaimed, giving Christian’s shoulder a playful squeeze.
“Don’t be silly, Elaine,” Christian said, unable to hide her smile. “I think I’m too old to be smitten with anyone.” She grew defensive, knowing Elaine was too close to the truth. “We talked and I enjoyed her company, that’s all. I’m not interested in anything else.”
Elaine laughed, a beautiful laugh that Christian found somewhat contagious. Turning her head up to look at Elaine, Christian’s heart warmed to see a hint of pink in Elaine’s cheeks.
Elaine put up a placating hand to stop Christian. “I’m not talking about schoolgirl crushes. I just mean that you two found a connection that has brightened your spirits. You may not know what to do with these feelings yet, but they sure look good on you.”
Relenting, Christian smiled. “I’ve found, over the past few weeks, more than one new connection that lifts my spirits,” she said, patting Elaine’s hand. “Look at us, for example—you make me laugh and not take myself so seriously all the time. And it’s been a long time since I felt like I could be a friend to anyone. Something about you just makes it easy. I like you.”
Elaine’s eyes closed briefly, and a look of gratitude crossed her face. “Me too,” she said, squeezing Christian’s hand. “Your friendship is important to me too. I know I kid around a lot, but I really do want you to be happy.” She sighed. “It isn’t easy for me to share things about myself, but I’ll try. It just may take a while.”
Christian smiled, satisfied. “Whenever you’re ready.”
*
One a.m. The clock stared mockingly at Christian. Although tired, she found herself afraid to sleep. Since returning to her room, it was as if the silence were closing in on her. The feelings of calm and comfort she had felt with Alex had transformed into guilt and confusion. What was I thinking? How could I have let myself get so close to Alex?She had allowed herself to be vulnerable with Alex and had allowed her to comfort her. She couldn’t deny the attraction, but her body seemed to be leading her in one direction and her head in another. Physically, she was feeling stronger, and she had started looking forward to spending time with Elaine and getting to know the other guests at Willow Springs. She was happy to find she could laugh and enjoy people again. She was learning to be comfortable with herself again. But she didn’t want to let her need for company and friendship confuse her feelings for Alex. It was unusual for her to have such a physical reaction to anyone, but what disturbed her more was the way she was aware of Alex, the way she looked for her, hoping to catch a glimpse or a random moment of connection with her.
Giving up on sleep and desperately wanting to quiet the storm raging in her mind, Christian got up and crossed the room to her computer. She needed a distraction, something to fill the void until she could be outside again. When she was outside walking the grounds or exploring the lake, she was better able to focus. When she was surrounded by the flowers and trees and the warmth of the sun, she felt the possibilities that were still out there for her. But once night fell and she closed herself off in her room, the darkness seemed heavy and lonely. She turned on her computer, hoping to find something to fill the sleepless hours. She stared at the screen blankly. She had been trying to start a new book but found her efforts fruitless. Every time she sat down to write, her mind became overwhelmed with turmoil. Cara supported her writing, and all her imagination, passion, and inspiration had died with her.
Christian felt the pain of missing Cara begin to well up within her. No! I can’t do this again. Instead, she began to busy herself by looking through news headlines, checking her advocacy posts, and avoiding her e-mail. She thought of Elaine and her secrecy and wondered if she could—or should—look for information about her. Deciding that general information couldn’t hurt, she Googled Elaine Barber. As expected, the search returned multiple pages of information she knew would be useless. A memory came to her of her first meeting with Elaine, and she recalled Elaine mentioning she had been coming to Willow Springs for the past three years.
Christian thought of her own reasons for choosing Willow Springs and recalled the information packet still in her messenger bag. Pulling the packet out, she flipped to the Specialties section. Aside from being an all-lesbian facility, Willow Springs specialized in therapeutic services to address a wide range of physical and emotional problems.
Christian narrowed her search to information going back more than three years. The first three hits caught her eye.
FBI BAFFLED IN ELAINE BARBER SHOOTING
PROMINENT FBI PSYCHOLOGIST/PROFILER ELAINE BARBER SHOT
ELAINE BARBER NAMED TO HEAD SERIAL KILLER INVESTIGATION
“Oh my God!” Christian said out loud as her hand flew to cover her mouth as if it could somehow protect her from the words staring back at her.
Her thoughts were reeling. Was this really about Elaine? The timeline fit, but this was more than the general information she had expected to find. She stepped away from the computer to pace the floor. Of course some of Elaine’s behavior made more sense now. Her use of humor and her focus on other people were defense mechanisms to deflect attention away from herself. She had briefly mentioned difficulty sleeping, and Christian had seen the darkness circling Elaine’s eyes.
Poor Elaine. Christian couldn’t imagine the fear and pain she must be dealing with, but now that she knew some of Elaine’s past, how could she help her?
Christian remembered the way Elaine had made her feel welcome and accepted without expectations or intrusions, and she had her answer. She would just be her friend and meet her where she was. Taking a deep breath, Christian felt at peace with her answer. A friend. Yes. It was time she learned how to be a friend again. She had spent the last eighteen months wallowing in her own self-pity, not thinking of the people in her life who were also hurting, who she was hurting. She hadn’t been a friend to herself or anyone else. She knew what it was like to become trapped in a moment when life was ripped apart and to feel unable to put the pieces back together again, and she wanted to help Elaine find her way back.
Christian fell onto the bed, trying to make sense of what she had just learned and all she had experienced since coming to Willow Springs. Christian knew something was changing in her, and although she was frightened of what this might mean, she knew she had to find a way to allow change to happen. As if taken back in time, to when life was perfect, Christian could see Cara sitting on the balcony of their flat, a glass of red wine in her hand. The sun was setting, Cara’s favorite time of day. Look, Chris, the light show is starting. It happens so fast. The most glorious things in the world just happen so fast.
Christian smiled. Since coming to Willow Springs, she had felt as if life were suddenly moving too fast. Maybe it was just that she was finally moving again, finally beginning to live again.
It was li
ght out when Christian woke, the lingering touch of Cara’s lips still playing on her skin. It had been months since she had dreamed of anything but the accident. She clasped a hand to her chest. The pain was there, as always, but now for the first time, she had been able to feel Cara’s love again. And that made her smile. She felt grateful for the memories. Her life had been meaningful, and she was beginning to understand that although her life had been irrevocably changed, it was not over.
Chapter Seven
Alex ran the familiar path around the lake. It had rained during the night, and the earth was soft beneath her feet. Each breath filled her with the woodsy smells of pine trees, wildflowers, and honeysuckle and the crisp cleanness that always followed the rain.
Her legs felt strong and sure as she pounded the path. She had risen early and had watched the light begin to glow in her garden as the first hints of morning light filtered into the sky. The tulips were in bloom and the pansies were like fields of smiling faces. She loved her garden. It was a good spring, and it made her feel strong. But this morning she had felt alone as she looked out over all the things she loved.
She had been content living here and spending her days focused on her work. Now she felt something was missing. For years, all she had felt was pain. Sophia had been so full of life and adventure. Once she was gone, Alex had pushed everyone away. Love meant pain. Then Christian had come along and all that had changed. It had been five days since she had met Christian and something in her world had shifted.
The thought of reaching out to someone was terrifying. I can’t risk it, she thought as her feet pounded the packed earth. It didn’t mean anything, it was just a moment shared.But as hard as she tried to convince herself that she could forget about Christian, a part of her didn’t believe it. In the days since meeting Christian, she had been tempted to call her and had resisted the urge to make up random reasons to visit Willow Springs in the hope of seeing her. But each time she had convinced herself she was being foolish. Christian had her own issues to work through, and she hadn’t made any attempt to reach out to Alex. But, still, she couldn’t stop thinking about her.
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