“Thank you,” Christian whispered, her breath brushing the stray strands of hair along Elaine’s ear.
The gentle sway of the hammock was soothing. Elaine took in the feel of Christian’s arms wrapped lightly around her, and she brushed her fingers over the delicate skin of Christian’s hand. She closed her eyes and focused her attention on the rise and fall of Christian’s breathing, remembering a time long ago and imagining someone else’s arms holding her. Someone she still longed for. Slowly, Elaine began to drift, and her body relaxed into the safety of Christian’s arms.
*
The sun was beginning to feel warm on her skin as Christian stirred. She lingered in the memory of waking with Alex holding her. Her eyes flashed open as the feeling of the woman lying next to her registered in her thoughts. Seeing the red hair and pale skin, her brow furrowed. Elaine?Christian felt momentarily confused before remembering the walk that morning and lying down with Elaine to rest. A smile edged the corners of her mouth as she took in the rumpled red hair of the still-sleeping woman cradled in her arms.
The sun was almost uncomfortably warm, and Christian wondered how long they had been asleep. She felt Elaine stir as a breeze played in her hair.
“You’re awake,” Christian whispered.
Elaine turned to face Christian, who moved to her side to allow the shift.
Christian spoke before Elaine could say anything. “Thank you, Elaine. Thank you for staying with me and allowing this closeness.” Christian’s voice was tender.
Somehow Christian knew that if she didn’t say the right thing, Elaine would retreat back into herself. “Sometimes I feel so lost,” Christian started to explain. “I needed this closeness so I don’t begin to believe that I am untouchable, unlovable, and invisible. Thank you,” she said again.
Elaine sighed. “I should be thanking you,” she said as she touched a hand lightly to Christian’s arm. “Before today I couldn’t imagine allowing anyone to hold me as you just did. I can’t thank you enough for this brief respite.” Elaine’s eyes darkened.
“Elaine,” Christian said, drawing Elaine’s face up so their eyes met, “I don’t know what you’ve been through, but I know we are both hurt and lonely. For some reason, when I’m with you, I don’t feel like running away anymore. We don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to, but we can at least offer each other this one tenderness.”
Elaine’s eyes were glassy from unshed tears. “Yes,” she said burrowing her head beneath Christian’s chin. “Thank you,” she whispered.
Chapter Eight
Three days had passed since Alex had kissed Christian by the lake. She’d replayed that moment over in her mind, scolding herself for pushing Christian too hard, fearing she’d gone too far. So, despite her promise to call, she hadn’t tried to contact Christian—she wanted to give her time and space. But today was the monthly cookout at Willow Springs, and she couldn’t help but hope she would see Christian while she was there.
Alex stepped onto the patio and made her way to the outdoor kitchen. She smiled as she saw Hannah already making preparations for lunch. Hannah had cut up the zucchini and squash and had a basket of onions peeled and quartered. She knew Hannah liked to be hands-on with most things going on at Willow Springs and imagined Hannah running her own place someday.
“Hey,” Alex said as she stepped up behind Hannah, “the kitchen looks good. You sure you need me here? Looks to me like you have things covered pretty well.”
Hannah laughed. “Yeah, do you want to get me lynched? These women all know you’re the one doing the cooking. I’m not going to be the one to disappoint them. Besides, maybe this will give you a chance to talk to Christian.”
Alex was shocked by the mention of Christian, and she suddenly felt defensive. She didn’t like other people knowing anything about her personal life, and she wasn’t ready to deal with—didn’t even understand—her feelings for Christian. Trying to sound casual, Alex asked flatly, “What do you mean?”
“Oh, nothing. I just thought you might want to catch up. That was a really nice thing you did for her the day she fell. She was really lucky you were there.”
“I guess so,” Alex said cautiously. Then, still curious, Alex added, “Has she been okay? Did I misjudge her injury or something?” Even though she had seen Christian herself only days earlier and had seen for herself that Christian was okay, fear, hot and searing, filled her belly, making her feel sick. What if she had made a mistake, and Christian had been more seriously injured than she’d thought?
“No, no, no. Christian was fine. Really, Alex, are you okay? Have I said something wrong?”
Alex shook her head. She was relieved that Christian was really okay. “No, nothing like that. I guess I’m just a little taken off guard. I’m not used to talking about…well…about people,” Alex admitted.
Hannah kept piling skewers of vegetables onto a tray as they talked. “Okay. I get it. I won’t push. I just thought you two clicked, or something.”
Alex thought about that. They had clicked, as Hannah put it. She hadn’t been able to put Christian out of her head since they’d kissed at the lake. Despite all her excuses not to call Christian, she had wanted to see her, talk to her, just to have any connection with her. Having Hannah call her out like this set Alex on edge and made her feel like a schoolgirl.
Putting the first of the pineapple-chicken kebabs on the grill, Alex busied herself with the lunch preparations. “I need to go get the other tray from the main kitchen. I’ll be right back. Do you mind putting on the first tray of vegetables for me?”
“No problem.”
Alex was still preoccupied with her thoughts when she rounded the corner of the patio and almost ran into two women entering the dining area. “Oh, so sorry,” Alex said, trying to gather herself, then stopped in her tracks as she recognized Christian, who was holding the hand of a beautiful redhead Alex had seen around Willow Springs from time to time. Alex looked to Christian, trying to understand what she was seeing. As she tried to understand, jealousy, sudden and fierce, ran through her body like fire, and she tensed.
Christian was elated to see Alex, but the joy was quickly quenched when she saw a succession of surprise, hurt, and something akin to anger flow across Alex’s face. Christian moved forward, placing a hand on Alex’s arm. “Hello, Alex. Are you all right? We didn’t mean to startle you.”
A muscle tensed in Alex’s jaw. “No, I’m fine. I guess I wasn’t watching where I was going. I’m sorry.”
Christian had let go of Elaine’s hand and now stood between the two women, one hand on Alex’s arm and the other gesturing toward Elaine. She was unsettled by Alex’s reaction but had been unable to resist the urge to be close to her. “Alex, this is my friend Elaine Barber. Elaine, this is Alex Moore.”
“Ah yes, Alex. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. I’ve been an admirer of yours for quite some time—at least your cooking, anyway. I understand you were quite the hero, saving Christian the way you did.” Elaine had extended her hand to Alex, who stood staring at her.
Alex hesitated, then said, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Barber.” She shook Elaine’s offered hand.
“Please, call me Elaine.” Christian looked from Alex to Elaine, hoping Elaine would give her a moment alone with Alex.
As if on cue, Elaine said, “I think I’ll go find us a table and give you two some time to talk. It was truly a pleasure meeting you, Alex. I do hope to see you again.”
“Thanks, Elaine,” Christian said, smiling faintly.
After watching Elaine leave, Christian turned to Alex, who remained stone still, staring at her. “Alex, are you sure you are all right?”
Rubbing her hand down her face and then through her hair, Alex shook her head. “I didn’t realize you were involved with anyone. I’m sorry, I—”
“What?” Christian interrupted. “Involved? What are you talking about?”
“Well, you and Ms. Barber. I didn’t realize you were—�
��
Christian couldn’t hold back a gasp of surprise. “Oh, Alex. No. You misunderstood. Elaine and I are just friends. She’s a very special friend, but there’s nothing more between us.” She suddenly understood the hurt and anger she had seen on Alex’s face. Then her own anger began to rise as she recognized Alex’s jealousy.
“Oh God! I’m sorry, Christian. I had no right.” Alex had turned red in the face and shifted from foot to foot as if trying to find a place to run.
Finally meeting Christian’s gaze she said meekly, “I really made a fool of myself, didn’t I?”
“Maybe a little bit.” Christian shook her head, trying to stifle her own frustration and confusion over what had happened. She didn’t like having to explain herself. What right did Alex have to be jealous? They weren’t dating. But she had to admit there was something going on between them that she couldn’t explain. Perhaps she was being a little hard on Alex. “It was an honest mistake. No harm done.” Despite her own discomfort in having to explain herself, Christian wanted to comfort Alex. She had seen the hurt in Alex’s eyes, and she hated feeling she had done anything to put it there. Maybe she wasn’t the only one confused by what was happening between them.
“I really need to get to the kitchen.” Before pulling away Alex lifted her eyes to meet Christian’s. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Please forgive me.”
Christian smiled and brushed her fingers along Alex’s hand. “We can talk more about this later. Don’t worry about it.” Then, looking across the patio and seeing Elaine, Christian had a second thought. “If you get a chance later, would you mind stopping by our table for a while?”
Alex looked toward the table where Elaine was waiting. “Yes. I’ll come by. I need to apologize for my behavior. That’s the least I can do.”
“Thank you.” Christian leaned over and kissed Alex lightly on the cheek. “I’ll look forward to seeing you later, then.” Still smiling, Christian stepped away to join Elaine.
*
Elaine tried to hide her grin as Christian seated herself across the table. “Well, that was interesting,” she said, her voice chiding. “What was that all about?”
“It was nothing, just a misunderstanding.”
“Misunderstanding? That seems to be just the tip of the iceberg. I thought the poor girl wanted to throttle me.” Elaine was laughing now—she couldn’t help but feel amused by Christian’s growing discomfort. She had heard the excitement in Christian’s voice when she spoke of Alex; she had seen the way her eyes lit up and the way she moved her body closer to Alex when they ran into her. It was obvious that Christian had feelings for Alex, and by Alex’s reaction, those feelings were mutual.
“She thought you and I were a couple,” Christian explained. “Since I hadn’t mentioned being with anyone, she was surprised, that’s all.”
“Hmm,” Elaine said faintly, pausing a moment to think that over. “Would you being with someone have been a bad thing?” Elaine asked, studying Christian’s response, seeing her brow furrow and her shoulders tense. Noting the discomfort, Elaine quickly added, “I mean, why would it upset Alex? Is there something between you two?”
Christian frowned and looked thoughtful. Elaine studied the way Christian toyed with the hem of her blouse and the way her eyes darted nervously, not focusing on anything. Christian was obviously uncomfortable acknowledging her feelings for Alex.
Elaine reached across the table and took Christian’s hand. “Now I’ve upset you. I shouldn’t have teased you. Don’t worry—things are okay between us. But why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you and Alex.”
Christian bit her lower lip nervously. “I’m so confused all the time. I’m really not sure how I feel about Alex. I’m not sure I want to feel anything. But then sometimes…sometimes I want to feel everything.” Christian sighed. “I know that doesn’t make any sense.”
Elaine smiled and patted Christian’s hand. “I don’t think it’s supposed to make sense right now. But don’t worry, you’ll figure it out.”
Chapter Nine
Elaine sat with her spine rigidly pressed against the back of the sofa in Dr. Cook’s office. She had requested an early appointment, but now that she was here, she was anxious and uncertain.
“What brings you in today, Elaine? You’ve never requested an early session before. What’s happened?” Dr. Cook sat across from Elaine with her legs crossed at the knee and her hands resting loosely on the arms of her chair. Elaine knew everything about her posture was designed to induce calm. Her tone of voice, her relaxed pose, her compassionate expression, even the cadence of her breathing were all purposefully controlled to present a peaceful air of safety.
Elaine sat staring at her hands as they lay limp in her lap. Slowly, she drew in a deep breath and exhaled. “I’ve met a woman at the retreat where I’m staying.” Elaine hesitated. “She and I have become good friends, and I’ve found that when I am with her I don’t feel the fear that’s normally with me.” Again she paused, and Dr. Cook waited in silence for her to continue. “Since we’ve been spending time together, something in me is changing. At first, it was a need to feel connected, to feel like I was a part of something again. But, recently, I’ve been living in dread, like I’m waiting for something bad.”
“Go on.” Dr. Cook encouraged. “Your dreams have changed.”
For the first time since entering the office, Elaine looked up at Dr. Cook. She took another deep breath and continued, her voice breaking with her first words. “Now when I dream of the shooting, she’s there with me. Just after the bright light, she takes my hand and calls my name. For a while I didn’t think much of it, but now the dreams have changed again.” Elaine’s shoulders slumped, and she clenched her hands into fists.
“Okay, just take your time. Tell me how the dreams have changed.”
Elaine fought back the tears.
“Why don’t we start by talking a little about your new friend? Tell me about the woman you’ve met.”
A smile quirked the corner of Elaine’s mouth as she thought of Christian. “Her name is Christian Sutter. I met her about a month or so ago. She doesn’t ask questions, she just seems to understand without having to know my story. She helps me feel safe. She doesn’t know anything about my history, and when we talk, I don’t have to think about the past.”
“What’s making you uncomfortable about this relationship?”
“The past few days, when I dream of the shooting…” Elaine paused as her body shook with fear. “Now when I dream, it’s as if I’m watchingand no longer a participant in the dream. Christian has taken my place, and when the door opens”—Elaine sucked in a deep breath—“it’s Christian who is shot and lying on the floor, not me.”
“You seem to care a great deal about Christian,” Dr. Cook said gently. “Tell me what you’re feeling right now, Elaine.”
“I’m afraid,” she whispered. “I’m afraid that my getting close to Christian will get her hurt.” She knew the person who had shot her was still out there somewhere, and despite the odds, there was a risk that her life was still in danger. That meant that anyone close to her could be a target as well.
“Have you felt this way before?” Dr. Cook asked.
Elaine’s head flew up and her tone was suddenly fierce. “What?”
“Who have you protected in the past, Elaine?”
“Don’t,” Elaine said sharply. She didn’t want to think about Chacey. Of everything she had given up, she couldn’t bear to think about what it had taken for her to leave her lover.
“This has obviously brought up some feelings that you have been repressing. I know you’re afraid. But you’re safe here. It’s time to let go, Elaine. Who are you protecting?”
“No one,” Elaine said, hearing her voice flat and distant, hardened, as she fought back the memories of the life she had given up.
“How have things been between you and Christian since the dreams changed?”
Elaine flinched a
nd then refocused. “I haven’t seen her in the past week.”
“What’s changed to prevent you from seeing her?”
“I’ve been busy.” Elaine could feel her heart beating hard in her chest as she thought about the dreams, and she couldn’t bear to see Christian lying there on the floor, bleeding. She knew the only way to keep Christian safe was to distance herself from her, so she had been avoiding her friend.
“If I remember correctly, this is the first time you’ve mentioned a friend in any capacity since beginning your counseling with me. You said she makes you feel safe. She sounds very special.”
Elaine closed her eyes, trying to figure out how to get out of this. She had come to the session frantic, but now she didn’t want to face the truth. She knew the dream wasn’t about Christian, but she wasn’t willing to talk about the truth, either.
“She is special. I guess I’ve been overreacting a bit. You’re right. I think I panicked, thinking I had to protect her. It sounds more like I’m using her safety to shield myself in the dreams.” Elaine chuckled, hoping to convince Dr. Cook of her explanation. “I can’t believe I couldn’t see it before now.” She was certain Dr. Cook could see through her diversion and waited for her to confront her. She could feel the doctor’s eyes assessing her, and she tried to control her breathing and body language to mask her feelings.
“I’m glad you feel better,” Dr. Cook said with a faint smile. “I think we can use this to help us find the feeling of safety you’ve needed to progress with the hypnotherapy. Let’s keep your regularly scheduled appointment, and we can pick up then.”
Healing Hearts Page 7