Christian gasped, breaking the silence.
Alex jerked upright. “What is it?” she asked, turning quickly to face Christian. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Christian reassured her, trying to gather herself. “I just…touching you that way…I just…I’m sorry,” Christian stammered. She couldn’t believe she had admitted that to Alex, but at the moment, she couldn’t hide her feelings.
Alex let out a sigh as she took Christian’s hand and lifted it to her lips. She kissed it gently. “Christian, I know how difficult it is to discover you still have normal human desires. But I think it’s important for us to allow them. Meeting you helped me see that.”
Christian couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Alex had a way of delivering unwavering strength by naming her weaknesses. Her honesty was so tender. Before she could think otherwise, Christian reached out her hand, her fingers shaking, and placed the tips of her fingers against Alex’s lips. The skin was soft and warm beneath her touch, and she wanted to feel those lips on her.
Alex kissed Christian’s fingertips tenderly as they lay trembling against her lips. She leaned forward and brushed her lips across Christian’s mouth as she gently stroked her cheek with her thumb. As she pulled away, she placed an arm around Christian’s shoulders and pulled her into her, cradling her in her arms.
“Thank you,” Christian whispered, feeling the comforting beat of Alex’s heart against her cheek.
Chapter Twelve
When they arrived back at the cabin, Christian showered and slipped back into the shorts and T-shirt she had been wearing when Alex picked her up earlier that day. She stepped into the kitchen to find Alex preparing dinner. She still had on shorts and stood in her bare feet. Her sunburned skin flamed an angry red against the dark blue sleeveless shirt she wore. The sight made Christian smile. There were so many things she liked about Alex, but there was something about watching her cook that was incredibly sexy.
“What?” Alex asked suspiciously, watching the way Christian was looking at her.
Smiling mischievously, Christian cocked her head to the side. “You are the most interesting set of contradictions I have ever seen in a woman.”
Alex’s brow furrowed. “And what does that mean?”
Stepping forward and taking a slice of cucumber from the cutting board, Christian smiled as she took a bite. “I mean you’re both strong and sensitive, gentle while painfully honest, your athleticism adds a touch of masculinity, but at the same time you are elegant and graceful.”
Seeing Alex blush and the lines in her brow deepen, Christian placed her palm flat against Alex’s back. “I mean to say, you’re beautiful,” Christian said, her voice a mere whisper against Alex’s ear.
Alex’s hands stilled. She could feel the heat of Christian’s hand, pressed against her back, warming her from within, the touch seeming to press deeper than her skin to reach inside and stroke her soul. Desire pulsed through her. For a moment, her muscles stiffened and she couldn’t breathe.
“Alex?” She heard Christian’s voice so close to her ear that she could feel the faint brush of her lips against her tender skin. The arousal was so fierce now, she felt her head swoon. Clearing her throat, she managed to say, “Sorry. I guess it’s my turn to trust you. That was a very kind thing to say.”
Christian was so near, Alex could see the play of color in her eyes. They were green, but at the center there were bursts of brown and blue. Alex could feel the vibration of Christian’s body as if an electrical current connected them, and her body hummed with the desire to touch her. Leaning in slightly, she allowed her lips to brush gently over Christian’s. Her skin was soft and yielding, and the taste was sweet.
Alex felt Christian’s hand press firmly into her back and pushed the kiss further as she played along Christian’s mouth with the tip of her tongue, savoring the brush of silken skin. This wasn’t the casual exchange she had experienced from time to time these last few years, when loneliness got the best of her and she had tried to drown the silence in the arms of a woman. This time, she gave of herself, and in return felt herself wanting more.
Christian pulled back, and Alex froze, not wanting to scare her or push her away. Alex listened to Christian’s breath, deep and rapid. Christian placed the palm of her hand on Alex’s chest, and Alex could feel her own heart pounding against it. Christian whispered, “That was nice. I’ve wanted to do that all day.”
Alex’s eyes opened, her lids heavy with desire. “Very nice,” she said, her voice husky and thick. She couldn’t tell Christian that she had wanted to lose herself in that kiss, that when she was with her she didn’t need for anything else. She had thought Christian was going to pull away from her again, but Christian’s words only tempered her fear, for she knew she was in danger of losing her heart.
*
After dinner, they sat talking on the porch, watching the sunset. The clouds were aflame as the setting sun bathed them in orange light. Christian couldn’t count the number of sunsets she had seen in her life, and she pondered the cycle of ending and beginning. Memories trickled through her mind. Each day had been different and special in its own way. And today had been one she knew she would always remember. It was her first sunset with Alex.
She turned to see Alex watching her. “What were you thinking just now?” Alex asked.
Christian thought for a moment before answering, her mind temporarily captured by how beautiful Alex looked in the shifting light. “I was thinking about how special this sunset is.”
Alex replied, “The perfect ending to the perfect day.”
Christian nodded. “Yes. Something like that.”
They smiled together and turned back to watch the close of the day.
“I have an idea,” Christian said, breaking the silence. “Why don’t you go get showered while I clean up from dinner. Then I can put something on those shoulders for you.” She didn’t want the day to end, and most of all, she wanted to be close to Alex again. The want had slowly grown to a need, and now she could think of nothing else but the feel of Alex’s body under her hands.
“You don’t have to do anything, I’ll be happy to take care—”
“Please, Alex. Let me do this for you.”
“Okay,” Alex relented. “I’ll only be a moment,” she said as she stood and went into the house.
Christian finished cleaning up and went to the sofa to rest while she waited for Alex to return. It had been the most amazing day. She had been so comfortable with Alex. Their conversation came easy. She found that the more she was with Alex, the more her attraction grew. She closed her eyes and imagined the feel of Alex’s lips when they’d kissed. She felt things for Alex she hadn’t imagined she could feel again. Every touch was exhilarating, and Christian wanted more. She wanted Alex and the thought was both exciting and terrifying. What would it be like to be touched again?
A gentle hand on her shoulder drew her from her thoughts. Alex stood over her. “I’m awake,” Christian said, “just resting.” Slowly, she sat up and reached out to take the aloe Alex was holding.
“Lie down here. I can reach your shoulders better this way,” Christian instructed.
As Alex lay on her stomach on the sofa, Christian ran her hands up and down the length of the lean muscles that slid beneath her touch. Christian pulled the end of Alex’s shirt up and slipped her hands beneath the soft cotton fabric, working the lotion into the inflamed skin with slow, smooth strokes. Her hands shook as she absorbed the sensation of having Alex’s body in her hands. She marveled at how each touch made her want to be closer to Alex, to know every part of her in a way only a lover can. The thought made her heart pound in her chest, resounding through her, making her skin vibrate. Fear still lurked at the back of her mind making her hesitate, her hands slowing as her fingers caressed Alex’s shoulders. Was she ready to step out of her past? How far was she ready to go?
Alex was overwhelmed, and a moan escaped as she felt Christian’s gentle fingers move
across her skin. Inside her, a war was being waged. It had been years since she’d felt a woman’s touch like this, since she’d let a woman touch her sensually. Christian’s hands went deeper than her skin. Christian touched something deep within her that made her heart swell. With Christian it wasn’t just about sex. It was so much more. And she’d thought it was something she would never desire again.
Now here she was with Christian, and the simplest touch, smile, laugh, or sigh brought her pulse hammering in her throat. And right now, much more intimate places. She moaned again, pulling up onto her elbows. “Thank you.” Turning over, she found Christian’s gaze full on hers like the midday sun. Christian’s eyes were dark and heavy, and Alex jolted as her muscles tightened. Reaching out, she placed a hand on Christian’s wrist, gently guiding Christian’s hand to her chest. Placing her other hand on Christian’s waist, she pulled Christian toward her until their lips met.
The kiss was tentative at first as Alex brushed the tender skin to see if Christian would allow more. Sensing no withdrawal and feeling Christian’s fingers slide into her hair, Alex pressed more firmly into Christian, her tongue brushing lightly. She felt Christian’s lips part, allowing her entrance. Feeling Christian’s tongue brush against hers, her whole body hummed with want. Alex pressed deeper into Christian’s mouth, tasting her sweetness. She swooned as Christian moaned into her mouth. She slid her hands around Christian’s back and found her way beneath Christian’s shirt, needing to feel the softness of her skin.
Suddenly Christian pulled back and pressed her palm to Alex’s chest. “Stop,” she whispered. I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…”
Christian pulled away and tried to stand. Alex caught her as she fainted.
What’s happening?Alex fought the panic that sent the blood pounding in her head. She propped Christian’s feet and legs on pillows on the sofa to increase the blood flow to her brain. She stroked Christian’s face and pushed the hair back from her eyes. Fear twisted her stomach and rose in her throat, burning like acid. To her relief, Christian began to come around.
“Be still,” Alex soothed. “You’re okay.” She could see the confusion in Christian’s eyes as she looked up at her. She cupped Christian’s face in with her hand, stroking her cheek with her thumb. “Don’t worry, you’re okay now.” She studied Christian’s face, trying to convince herself that was true.
“I’m sorry, Alex. You must think I’m crazy.”
Alex knelt on the floor in front of Christian and leaned her face into her, thankful she was okay. She spoke softly, her lips brushing Christian’s neck. “I think you’re amazing…not crazy.” Alex lifted her head and looked at Christian. “But I’d like to know what’s happening to you. I doubt you fainted from being kissed.”
Christian took a deep breath and nodded. “I guess I owe you an explanation.”
Chapter Thirteen
Elaine sat in Dr. Cook’s office, her focus centered on her breathing. Her body was relaxed. She heard Dr. Cook’s voice in the distance.
“How are you feeling, Elaine?”
“Tired,” Elaine answered. In her mind, Elaine followed the sound of Dr. Cook’s voice, visualizing the scene she described.
“You’re sitting by the pool at your home. You can hear the gentle lap…lap…lap of the water against the pool wall. You feel relaxed and calm.” Dr. Cook paused a few seconds, and Elaine relaxed into the image. “What’s happening around you now, Elaine?”
Elaine felt completely at ease. She lifted her hand, imagining she cradled a glass. “We’re having a drink and talking about leaving the bureau.”
Dr. Cook’s voice remained steady. “Who is there with you?”
“Chacey.” Elaine smiled at the mention of the name. She felt happy.
“You and Chacey are close?” Dr. Cook asked.
“Yes,” Elaine said, still smiling.
“You’re talking about leaving the FBI. Why do you want to leave the bureau?”
At the question, Elaine’s shoulders tensed and she felt her brow furrow into a frown. “It’s the only way we can be together.”
“What are you feeling now, Elaine?” Dr. Cook responded in a calm voice.
“I’m afraid,” Elaine whispered. She didn’t want to lose Chacey. She would do anything, go anywhere to be with her.
Elaine listened to the sound of Dr. Cook’s voice. “You’re safe, Elaine. No one can hurt you here. You can feel yourself growing calm as you listen to my voice. You’re feeling safe and calm.” Dr. Cook repeated the message.
Elaine felt her breathing slow, matching the cadence of Dr. Cook’s voice, and the tension eased in her shoulders. She was safe.
Dr. Cook’s voice continued. “Think back, Elaine. Think only of the memory now. What were you afraid of when you were talking to Chacey about leaving the bureau?”
Elaine’s chest rose and fell as she continued to take deep, even breaths. She remembered their plans to leave and start a new life, somewhere Chacey’s ex-husband wouldn’t be so close. He had been so angry when Chacey left him. Elaine hesitated before answering, remembering how violent he had been. “Charles. Charles won’t like it. He’ll be angry. He’s been angry before. I’m afraid he’ll hurt her.” Elaine’s voice became more forceful as her stress grew. Her breathing became more shallow and rapid.
Dr. Cook calmly placed a finger on Elaine’s wrist. “You’re okay, Elaine. We’re in my office now, just you and me. No one can hurt you here. We’re going to bring you back now. As I count forward, you will become more alert and feel safe and relaxed. One…two…three…”
Elaine was exhausted, and she rubbed her hands across her face as if the simple gesture could wipe away the memories. Her hands were shaking. She missed Chacey so much, her heart ached.
“Tell me about Chacey,” Dr. Cook said.
Elaine let out a breath. “Really, Helen, I don’t want to discuss this.”
“She seems important to you,” Dr. Cook continued.
“Fine,” Elaine relented. “She was my lover. We met at the bureau. She was married. Things didn’t work out.”
“And who was Charles?” Dr. Cook asked.
“Her ex-husband.” Elaine’s body stiffened at the mention of the name and felt a vein in her forehead begin to bulge. She hated Charles for what he did to Chacey.
“What did you feel when I mentioned Charles just now? Your body went rigid,” Dr. Cook noted.
Elaine tried to restrain the rage that had suddenly blinded her vision. “I’m angry with the bastard. He thought he could own Chace. He was an abusive bastard, and he had hurt her in the past, and I knew if he knew we were together, he would hurt her again. We had it all planned out. Chace put in for a transfer, and I planned to follow her after the Flask case was over.”
“You were planning to leave the FBI to be with her?”
“She took a transfer a week before the shooting. I was planning to follow her once the case was over.”
“What happened?”
“After I was shot, things got a little crazy. Chacey came back. She stayed with me at the hospital as much as she could. She wanted us to be together…I couldn’t. After a while, I refused to let her see me.” It had been so hard to turn Chacey away. The memory closed around her heart like a fist.
Dr. Cook asked, “Why do you think that is?”
Elaine blanked. She wanted to give the old excuse that the shooting and the death of the child had been too much, but this time, she didn’t. She finally understood why she couldn’t see Chacey, why she had been so terrified every time she visited.
Elaine shook her head, feeling defeated. “I don’t know. Every time I talked to her, I felt the panic set in. I didn’t want anything to happen to her. If someone could do this to me…Oh God! I couldn’t bear the thought of…” Elaine choked as tears filled her eyes.
“It’s been three years since the shooting, Elaine. Have there been situations since then where you’ve felt threatened or believed someone wanted to harm you?”
“What I’m hearing is that you’re making choices in your life based on fear, Elaine, not evidence that they are truly in danger. You’re trying to control everything in your world. It doesn’t seem fair to those who love you that they don’t have a choice in this matter.”
Elaine looked at Dr. Cook. “What would you have me do? Like you said, it’s been three years. Do you think Chacey would want to be a part of my life after all this time, after all I’ve done?”
Elaine wasn’t prepared for Dr. Cook’s answer. “I don’t know. That’s something you have to decide if you want to find out for yourself. If not Chacey, then perhaps you can explore trust again through your new friendships. Either way, it’s time to learn to live again.”
*
Elaine sat staring at the phone as if it were a wild animal that might suddenly jump up and attack her. Hesitantly, she picked up the receiver and held it in her hand, but before she could dial the number, panic gripped her chest.
Slamming the receiver back into the cradle, she flinched at the harsh sound. I must be out of my mind. She doesn’t want to speak to me. Surely, after all this time, she has moved on with her life. It’s selfish of me to barge into her life again.Gritting her teeth, Elaine picked up the phone again. I guess I could just say hello. I could say I’m sorry for being such a fool. She can tell me it’s too late, and then I can let her go in peace. It will be over.Elaine knew she had never really let Chacey go. It was as if her life had been on pause for the last three years as she waited for the shooter to be caught. If the shooter was found, she wouldn’t have to hide anymore and Chacey would be safe. But time wasn’t on pause, and she knew life had moved on for Chacey. She needed to let go of the idea that they would ever be together again.
Healing Hearts Page 10