Within moments, her laughter fades, replaced by the symphony of nature song: the high pitched chirp of crickets, the lower croak of frogs, and the rush and rustle of wind through tree branches. It's soothing.
The chains on the swing creak as Kit begins to rock us back and forth.
I wrap my arms around my legs and rest my chin atop my knees, waiting for her to speak.
She stares out into the yard, her eyes narrowed.
"Can I ask you something?" she finally says, taking a similar position to mine: lean arms wrapped around long, shapely legs, her cheek resting atop her knees.
"You know you can," I tell her.
"How do you know what you want to do after all of this is over?" Frustration sweeps through her expression, her blue eyes full of uncertainty. "I mean, I don't know, Savannah. I'm not sure I'm ready to grow up."
"You'll do great," I say, and I mean it. Katrina's a ray of sunshine: bright, shining, brilliant. Everyone loves her. Whatever she does with her life, she'll be great at it. I'm sure of it. "Besides," I remind her, "you don't have to decide now. We don't graduate for another three months."
"I know," she sighs, giving her head a rueful shake. "It's just–"
"Just what?"
"You have it all figured out already," she blurts. "You're smart and funny and you have these great grades, and a scholarship to study in England."
"Oh, Kit," I can't help but laugh at her assessment. It's so far off base. "I have no clue what I'm going to do with my life. I have no plan. I'm just… here." My smile slips when the words leave my mouth because they are all too true. I'm just here.
"Savannah?"
I jerk when Jared says my name, pulling me back into the here and now.
"I'm sorry." My face burns again.
He motions toward the swing. "You should sit," he says softly.
"I'm fine."
He sighs and closes his eyes. "Am I truly that frightening?"
"What? I–no…" I'm taken off guard by his question and don't know what to say. I don't think he'd appreciate the truth if I gave it to him.
He sighs again, shaking his head. Water droplets run down his face and he brushes them impatiently away. "I've been an ass."
I want to tell him that it's okay, that I understand, but I don't want to lie to him. I don't understand why he's always so angry with me. Does he not want me here? Did I do something wrong? Does he think I'm going to inconvenience him or expect something from the girls?
"I'm sorry," I say instead of asking those questions.
"Stop doing that." He narrows those jade eyes at me.
I blink at the ire in his tone. What have I done wrong now?
"Doing what?" I ask.
"Apologizing. You're always apologizing to me."
"I'm–" I bite my tongue before the instinctive sorry rolls from my lips.
He stares at me for a moment and it's awkward. The urge to apologize for upsetting him is so strong, I have to bite down on the inside of my cheek to hold the words back. I turn away and look back out into the night, trying to quell the desire. The rain has slackened, but lightning still breaks the sky wide open at regular intervals.
The chains of the swing continue to creak as Jared moves back and forth.
Neither of us says anything for a long time.
Eventually the awkwardness leeches away and it's just quiet. Companionable silence. I think I like it.
"Lexi tells me you're staying," Jared says then.
"I think so," I whisper. My voice is so faint it barely carries. "I'm not sure."
He's quiet for a moment and then, "Matthew wanted you here, Savannah."
"I have a home here," I say this out loud, needing to hear it. The words sound so strange, as if they couldn't possibly be true. And yet…they are.
I don't understand.
"You do," Jared whispers. "Welcome home."
Warmth shoots through me when the words leave his lips, and I think maybe that has more to do with who said it than what he said.
Maybe he wants me here, after all.
Jared….
"You don't scare me," I say. I'm not sure it's true, but I want it to be.
"No?"
I shake my head.
"That's good. That's really good." He sounds pleased.
I smile at him.
He returns it, and that warmth spreads a little further.
We say nothing else until he rises to head back to the mansion.
"Goodnight, Savannah." He seems calmer, less conflicted.
"Goodnight, Jared."
He smiles at me again before making his way down the stairs.
The next two days are quiet. The near constant parade of mourners has dwindled, the girls keep themselves locked in their rooms, and I'm left largely on my own. It's surprising to find that I don't mind this, but I don't. I'm still trying to process everything, but the silence is less overwhelming.
Nights are the hardest, and I ache to sit on the porch and listen to the wind, but I've forced myself to stay inside. I'm not sure why. I think maybe I'm afraid Jared will once again become the cold, confusing man he was before. I've barely seen him in the past two days, but he's been friendly the few times our paths have crossed. The thought of him returning to his former self makes me ache. And I'm sure it's coming sooner or later.
Eventually, I'll screw up again, anger him. Every part of me shies away from that.
Worse, guilt pricks at me almost constantly.
Jared manages to invade my thoughts often, but I can't seem to stop it. I know he's with Lexi, but when his mouth quirks up into a crooked smile when our paths cross, my stomach flutters anyway. I try to convince myself that I'm merely reacting like any other woman would if faced with that killer smile, but part of me doesn't believe it.
And that, I think, is the biggest reason I've forced myself to stay indoors. I don't like feeling as if I've done something wrong when I haven't.
"Where the hell is my coat?" Toby demands, stalking out of the bedroom, his jaw clenched. A muscle in his cheek pulses.
"I sent it to be cleaned." My words are barely a whisper.
"Why the fuck did you do that?" He crosses his arms and glares at me.
I want to sink through the floor and disappear beneath the weight of that look – as if I've committed some monstrous fault. All I wanted to do was help.
"Did I ask you to send it to be cleaned?" he demands when I say nothing.
I barely shake my head "no".
"Did you ask if I wanted it cleaned?"
Again I shake my head "no".
"Was there any fucking mention of it being sent for cleaning?" His dark eyes flash.
"No," I whisper, hanging my head. I've set him off again. I can do nothing to please him anymore.
It's so frustrating.
"Then it shouldn't fucking be there!" he yells.
Before I can say anything, he's storming back into the bedroom. The door slams behind him so hard, I jump.
"Goddammit!" I hear him yell from the other side of the wall.
A single tear rolls down my cheek.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, though I'm not sure if I'm apologizing to him… or to me.
I thrust the memory away with a heavy sigh and swipe at my tears. I'm so tired of crying, but I still do it. I'm not even sure why because I know with absolute certainty that Toby's not worth crying over. I think I've known that for most of the last two years, and yet… I stayed.
I don't know why, and I hate that. I hate that I was that girl, that I believed him, listened to him, and let him win. I hate that I don't have a reason for any of it. I stopped loving him a long time ago if I ever loved him at all, but I still let it happen. I still stayed and let him treat me like that. That's the real reason I cry, I think.
I let him turn me into a coward.
I sigh again and step beneath the spray of the shower. The warm water washes my tears away when I turn my face upward, but the questions aren't so easily scrubbed away
.
Why?
I want an answer.
An hour later, I'm still trying to sort it out, and I've given up on hiding out inside. My thoughts are heavy and I need fresh air. I curl up on the railing again and allow my mind to run away with me. There are so many questions. I don't even know where to begin finding answers.
"Here."
I jump and cry out as a small box lands in my lap.
"Shit," Jared curses when I start to topple backward over the railing.
He grabs me around the waist and yanks me forward before I can go over. A painful cry bursts from my lips the instant his fingers dig into the bruises still healing all across my back. The box falls to the floor of the porch with a thud.
Jared plucks me up as if I'm a ragdoll and sets me on my feet. As soon as they touch the floorboards beneath me, he releases me, snatching his hands back like if I've burned him.
"I'm sorry," he says.
Closing my eyes, I shake my head, waiting for the fog of pain to recede slightly so I can speak. It takes a moment for the intense throb to ease off into a dull ache.
Jared's staring at me when I finally manage to look at him, his beautiful eyes clouded with concern.
"What's wrong?"
The question isn't a demand this time, and I can't find the will to brush him off again. I'm so tired of trying to sort everything out by myself, so tired of keeping my wounds and scars hidden from everyone. Of trying to deal with this alone and making no progress.
"I had surgery a few weeks ago," I whisper and shuffle a few steps away from him. Turning my back to him, I lift the hem of my shirt so he can see and hold my breath. The bruises have faded, but the ugly green color is awful. So are the jagged, red scars.
A shocked hiss echoes across the porch.
My cheeks flame when his big hands brush across my bare skin.
I pull my shirt down and move away quickly, my heart pounding.
"I fell," I mumble, desperate to focus on anything other than the heat of his hands on my body.
"You fell." It's not a question and he doesn't sound happy.
"In glass. It went through my back and pierced my kidney." I stop talking, unsure why I've said so much.
He's quiet, and I can't force myself to turn around and face him again. I'm not sure what I'll find if I do.
I want to slip through the front door and pretend that I've said nothing.
I want him to say… something.
"There's a phone in the box for you," he says as if on cue.
I immediately regret wanting him to speak. His voice is low, angry. I hear his heavy steps retreating. Once again, I have to fight the urge to apologize.
He stops walking.
"Your boyfriend should be in jail for what he did to you, Savannah. You didn't deserve it."
I gasp and spin around, only to find him stalking across the yard with his shoulders hunched. His long stride is furious, his muscles tense. His hands are clenched into fists.
Oh, God.
He knows about Toby.
I've never been more humiliated in my life.
By the time I work up the nerve to go to the main house to check on the girls, it's dark. I creep along the trail connecting the guesthouse to the mansion slowly, dreading walking through the door and coming face to face with Jared again.
He knows about Toby. He knows I stayed.
I'm so angry with myself suddenly, I just want to scream.
The instant I step through the front doors, I hear his voice coming from the kitchen.
It's raised, angry.
"You should have told me about this!"
"It's not your business, Jared," Lexis snaps right back at him. "Do you really think she wanted everyone to know what happened to her?"
I know immediately that they're talking about me. I inch back toward the door, mortified all over again.
"Have you seen what he did to her?" Jared demands. "Good God, Lexi, he could have killed her." He sounds horrified, and so angry.
"It's not your business," Lexi says again.
"The hell it isn't," he snarls. "You call her family, but you just left her there and let it happen! Someone needs to give a damn what happens to her, and it's obvious you don't."
Lexi's shocked gasp mirrors my own.
No. Oh, no.
I stumble on wooden legs toward the sound of their voices. I'm numb, horrified that they're fighting because of me. I have to stop it.
My stomach roils in rebellion, but I keep going.
They both turn to look at me when I step into the kitchen.
Tears run down Lexi's face. Jared's jaw is clenched tight.
I cringe away from the sheer fury on his face, but I don't run. I can't this time.
"It's not her fault," I say, barely managing to avoid choking on the words. "I lied to everyone. Don't blame her."
"Savannah." Lexi's face falls further.
Jared closes his eyes, swearing softly.
"I didn't want anyone to know that I… let him treat me like that," I continue, and then motion toward my back. "And he didn't do this to me." I'm trying to get the words out before I fall apart. They sound thick, garbled. I don't care. I just want to be elsewhere. Soon. "I walked in on him and my friend in bed together. I dropped the vase I was carrying and slipped in the water. He took me to the hospital…." I leave out the part about him yelling at me. I'm ashamed enough about what I've allowed him to do to me without putting it all out there. "It was bad, but he didn't do it. I did it to myself. I stayed."
"Oh, Savannah, no." Fresh tears make tracks down Lexi's cheeks.
"So please don't fight over me," I whisper the rest of what I need to say.
Jared still won't meet my gaze and I feel bad. Just bad about everything.
"I'm sorry." My voice cracks on the apology.
Jared's eyes spring open. They're so green, so angry… so remorseful.
An ache begins in my chest, crushing the breath from my lungs.
I turn and flee.
Lexi calls my name, but I don't stop. I just keep going. Out the front door, across the yard, and into the guesthouse. I don't cry when I get there.
I just sit and think for hours.
When I finally step outside again, Jared's waiting on the porch. I think he has been most of the night.
He jumps to his feet, regret stamped across his face. "Savannah, I–"
I hold up my hand to stop him.
"I don't know why I stayed," I say when he snaps his mouth closed. My voice is a monotone, but it's all I have to offer him right now. "I just did. I don't have a reason. I don't have an explanation. It's not Lexi's fault. It's not Matthew's fault, or Kit's fault, or anyone else's fault either. Please don't blame them, okay?"
He nods reluctantly and I sigh, a weight lifting from my shoulders.
"It's not your fault either," he says. His voice isn't soft or quiet, or loud or accusatory. It just is.
I sigh again and make my way to the swing, not responding.
Jared leans back against the railing, watching me. His expression is wary, careful.
"I don't know how I let it get so bad."
"You were scared," he offers.
"I was naïve," I correct and glance up at him. I'm so tired of running from this. Eventually, I have to deal with it. "When we got to Italy, he'd yell and be an ass and then he'd be so sweet. I kept convincing myself it'd get better. I just had to be patient, try harder."
Jared's jaw clenches but he stays silent.
"I kept hoping that it'd get better." I shake my head in disbelief. Why did I ever believe that? I've had so much time to think in the last few weeks and I can't understand why I ever thought that. It was so obvious that it wasn't going to change. That he wasn't going to change. Even after I knew that, I kept hoping. "I was so stupid."
"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Jared asks, and he looks like he's really trying to understand.
"I didn't want them to know. I didn't–" I break off and try
again. "You belong in this world. So do Lexi, Kit, and Maddi. I don't. I was only ever part of your world because my mother abandoned me and Matthew was too kind to toss me out."
"That's not true," Jared argues. "Matthew adored you."
"That doesn't excuse the fact that I wasn't his responsibility. He and Caitlyn took me in because that's the kind of people they were. He was proud of me. How–" I have to clear my throat before I can continue. "How was I supposed to tell him that there was nothing to be proud of? That I let someone treat me how Toby treated me? That I kept letting him hurt me over and over again? How was I supposed to ask Matthew to rescue me again when I was the one who decided to go with Toby? When I wasn't his responsibility?"
Jared's expression softens and he steps toward me.
The tears I didn't shed earlier creep up on me. I try desperately to fight them back.
"I was ashamed, Jared. I'm still ashamed." The last word is little more than a whisper, but he hears it.
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, Savannah," he whispers and quickly reaches out to wipe away the tear sliding down my cheek. "Nothing. What Toby did to you isn't your fault."
The heat of Jared's skin on mine does something to me, shakes me to the core, ripping away the quasi-numbness I've tried desperately to cling to since he saw my scars. The way he says it wasn't my fault with such fierce certainty makes the tears fall faster. I want so badly to believe him, to forgive myself.
He sits beside me on the swing, so close the heat of his body sears into me. He doesn't touch me or say anything, but he doesn't leave my side until the tears dry up and my head droops with exhaustion.
"I'm sorry," he says then. "I seem to say that to you a lot."
"Me too." My voice is hoarse, my throat raw.
"No more apologies?" he asks, offering me that crooked smile that makes my stomach clench.
I nod my agreement.
"Goodnight," I whisper as he rises to his feet with another grin.
He turns back to me, reaches out and touches my cheek briefly. "No more tears either, beautiful girl."
"Okay," I say, stunned at both his gentleness and his compliment.
His smile this time is blinding.
"Goodnight, Savannah."
Chapter Five: Ordinary Day
All Falls Down Page 5