All Falls Down

by Morgen, Ayden K.

  "I'm sorry. I just worry, you know? I don't know how to do this," she whispers. "I don't know how to be a mom and a CEO. I miss Daddy." Tears trickle down her face.

  My heart literally aches for her.

  I step forward and squeeze her hands. "You're doing great, Lexi. The girls are lucky to have you."

  She blows out a breath and nods before pulling her hands from mine and dashing at her eyes.

  I smile at her, shaking my head when she asks if she's smeared her make-up.

  She offers me a quick hug and exits as quietly as she entered. My burden is a little lighter when she goes, as if talking to her has lifted some of the weight off my shoulders. Kit and Maddi will be okay. They have Lexi. Somehow, I just know she'll get them through this.

  And if I have to avoid being alone with Jared in the meantime?

  Well, I'll figure out how to deal with it.

  "Do you remember Tyler Rollins?" Kit asks, her blue eyes sparkling with mischief as she looks up at me from her seat on the floor. She selects a nail polish bottle from her kit and holds it up for Madeline's approval.

  "Good choice," Maddi says before turning back to the magazine on her knees. Justin Bieber's face is pictured front and center. I really don't understand the appeal of the boy, but her room is full of posters of him.

  Kit arches a brow at me and I nod my head, giving her permission to continue her assault. She and Maddi have decided that we're having girls' night while Lexi and Jared are out. I'm not sure if their ambush was more for my benefit or their own, but either way, I couldn't tell them no.

  Kit dips the polish wand into the bottle and then smears the bright red color across my big toe.

  "He got Morgan Wright's cousin pregnant last year," Maddi announces, dropping her magazine onto the couch beside her and curling up. "Morgan was furious."

  My mouth opens into a little o of surprise.

  Kit nods vigorously. "You should have heard her screaming at him at Tori's wedding rehearsal," she says. "He just stood there and listened while she screamed and threw things. When she finally shut her trap, he told her that he was marrying Liz. She stormed out and ran off to L.A. Came home three weeks later and wouldn't even acknowledge Tyler or Liz."

  "Wow," I say. Morgan was always a spiteful bitch, but she and Tyler dated for years. I never would have suspected that he'd be the one to cheat. "That's crazy."

  "Right?" Kit says, shaking her head. "I never really cared for Morgan, but I feel bad for her. I mean, her ex-fiancé and her cousin are married and have a baby now. That has to suck."

  "Big time," Madeline yawns.

  We fall silent.

  Kit continues working on my toes.

  I don't really want to sympathize with Morgan, but as Maddi grabs the blanket from the back of the sofa and tosses it over her legs, I can't help but feel for her. It sucks enough to be dumped by a loser for a friend. To be dumped for a family member though?

  That has to hurt.

  "What do you think?" Kit asks a few minutes later, twisting the cap back onto the nail polish.

  I glance down to find my toes tipped in bright red.

  "Not bad," I murmur. I glance over to ask Maddi's opinion, only to find her fast asleep, a hand tucked under her cheek. "She still does that."

  "Hmm?" Kit drops the nail polish back into the kit with the other bottles and snaps the lid closed.

  "Maddi," I say. "She still falls asleep in two seconds flat."

  "Yeah." Kit glances over at her little sister. A sad smile twists at her lips. "I envy her that ability."

  Don't we all? I want to say. Instead I reach out and squeeze Kit's fingers.

  She leans back against the couch and sighs.

  "I think I'm going to move back to campus this weekend."

  "Really?" I arch a brow, surprised. This is the first time she's mentioned it.

  She nods her head. "I need to catch up before finals, and I don't know, I guess I just need a break. Being here… I'm constantly waiting for Daddy to walk through the door, and every time I realize he isn't going to, it kills me all over again. And Lexi won't tell me what's going on. Being here right now is so hard. Maybe it'll be easier if I have a little space, you know?" She chews on her bottom lip, her forehead wrinkling. "Is that selfish of me?"

  "No," I answer carefully. "You lost your dad and your life changed, Kit. But that doesn't mean it has to end. Neither of your sisters would want you to drop everything you've worked so hard for. I know you all depend on each other, but you have to come first sometime, too. That's not selfish. It's realistic."

  Kit sighs. "I just feel bad for leaving now, you know? Lexi and Maddi need me, and you just got here."

  "Kit, you'll only be twenty minutes away." I want to assure her that we'll all be okay, but I can't seem to force the words out. I want to be okay. I'm trying to be okay. But most days I still struggle to really believe it. And I can't lie and tell her Maddi and Lexi will be just fine without her, either. The reality is that they probably aren't going to be just fine, not for a long time to come.

  "Being an adult sucks," she mutters into the silence.

  "Yeah, it does," I whisper. "Remember when we couldn't wait to grow up?"

  "We were naïve. I never thought I'd miss being a teenager."

  "Me either. But it was easier, wasn't it?" Even though my mom abandoned me and hers died suddenly, being a teenager wasn't nearly this hard. Or maybe we were just more optimistic, more hopeful that there was a reason, an explanation for all the bad and painful things we had to endure.

  God, that seems so long ago.

  My mom… Where is she? Does she ever think about me? Miss me?

  I quickly push the thought away. I don't want to think about her. Not now. Not ever. I was her throwaway child. I wish I could forget that as easily as she forgot me.

  "What do you think about Lexi and Jared?" Kit blurts out suddenly.

  I stare at her, unsure what she means.

  "There's something off about them."

  "What do you mean?"

  Kit frowns, thinking. "He's been living here for months, but they don't share a room. I haven't ever walked in on them kissing or cuddling. In fact, I don't think I've ever even seen them touch each other unless someone else is around or she's crying. Isn't that strange? I mean, he's gorgeous. If I was Lexi, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of him."

  "I'm sure it's just stress," I offer weakly, the thought of putting my hands all over Jared making my heart race.

  "Yeah, you're probably right."

  We both lapse into silence again.

  I try desperately not to think about what she just said. I don't need a reason to question what's going on between Jared and Lexi. If I start down that road… I'm not so sure I'll be able to pull myself off of it. And that won't end well for anyone.

  As we sit there lost in our own thoughts, the front door opens.

  "Jared, just drop it," Lexi hisses over the beep of the alarm. "I said no, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want to go to bed."

  Kit and I look at each other with matching surprised expressions.

  Lexi's heels click across the foyer toward the stairs. She glances in our direction, waves once, and storms up the stairs without another word, her face set in angry, stubborn lines.

  "Dammit, Lex." Jared shuts the front door. The alarm beeps again and he punches the code in before turning back to the stairs just in time to see Lexi disappearing at the top. "Fuck," he mutters and closes his eyes for a minute, obviously trying to rein in his temper.

  "Everything okay?" Kit asks him.

  "What?" He cracks his eyes open. "Oh… fine." He rakes a hand roughly through his hair, glances around the room at the girls' night paraphernalia scattered around, and then cocks a brow at us. His stiff stance doesn't waver. "Have fun?"

  "Yeah," Kit answers.

  I'm too busy trying not to stare at him and failing miserably to say anything. He's wearing a tuxedo, complete with a bowtie that matches the
color of his eyes. His hair is all over the place, his jaw scruffy. Good grief, he's breathtaking.

  He looks at me, and for the first time in a week, our eyes connect. Warmth rushes through me, threatening to steal my breath.

  I jerk my gaze away to stare a hole in the floor at his feet.

  My heart pounds, and I know that no amount of talking to myself is going to stop this.

  Why him? Why now?

  God, why me?

  And I know it's not just me. The way he stares at me… No, it's not just me caught in whatever this is. That doesn't make the guilt any less bitter to swallow. All I want is for the wavering lines between us to solidify. I need them to solidify, and they aren't.

  What's wrong with me?

  "I think I'm going to head to bed," I murmur to Kit, dying to escape before I do something monumentally stupid. Simply being in the same room with him after avoiding him all week is too much.

  "Yeah, me too," Kits says, pushing up from the sofa.

  She offers me her hand and I smile gratefully, allowing her to help pull me to my feet. My back has healed nicely, but getting up and down is still sometimes difficult. I'm beginning to think it always will be.

  Pushing the thought away, I quietly wish Kit good luck telling Lexi and Maddi what she's decided about school. I know it's going to be difficult for them, but they won't hold it against her. It's been nearly a month since Matthew passed. She needs to get out and face the world.

  And when are you going to go out and face the world? a little voice in the back of my mind asks me.

  It's a valid question. One I don't know how to answer.

  Kit hugs me tight before breaking away.

  "I'll walk you, Savannah," Jared offers then.

  I whip my head in his direction, only to find him still staring off into the distance. But he pushes away from the wall and steps toward me.

  What happened between him and Lexi tonight?

  "Thanks, Jared," Kit says and starts gathering up the magazines spread across the family room. "I'll send Maddi up to bed."

  Jared's head turns in my direction and I quickly avert my gaze, deciding that whatever happened with him and Lexi isn't my business. It's between them. Them. Him and Lexi.

  How many times am I going to have to chant that same phrase before it sinks in? How long am I going to have to avoid him before guilt stops smothering me every time I catch a flash of him?

  "Ah, no thanks," I murmur, avoiding actually looking at him again. The last thing I need is to get caught up in his gaze with Kit standing right here. And I'm not foolish enough to believe it won't happen, not when I can feel his eyes on me. "You don't have to do that."

  "I insist," he says as I shuffle my feet.

  The urge to duck past him and make a run for it pulses so hard, my knees actually tremble.

  "No, I–" I flounder for a reason, any reason, to keep him here.

  "Sav, it's after midnight," Kit interrupts before I can think of a single excuse. "Let him walk you to the guesthouse."

  Him and Lexi.

  What's going on between them?

  I risk a glance at him just as he lifts his gaze to me. I'm instantly sucked into jade green just like I knew I would be. The urge to reach out and touch him flares hard, and I have to curl my hands into fists to keep from following through. His gaze roves over my face as if he's searching for something.

  I can't help but notice the way he visibly relaxes now that his eyes are on me. I also can't help but notice that I'm suddenly more relaxed too, as if that thing that's been missing for the last week is suddenly within reach again. Warmth, safety… I don't know what it is, but it's there nonetheless.

  I also feel that same current. The one that causes my heart to thunder in my chest and my skin to hum.

  This is so not good.

  He swallows hard and takes a step back as if he knows exactly what I'm going through.

  I tear my gaze away from him again and shiver when the little bubble around the two of us pops. I hurriedly look to Kit, who's still gathering up magazines, completely oblivious to whatever that was.

  Guilt hits me hard as I watch her move around the room. She's a smaller replica of Lexi, petite and curvy where Lexi's thin and willowy.

  God, please, I pray. I'm not even sure I believe in God, and he's never answered any of my prayers before. Why would tonight be any different?

  "I'll see you tomorrow," I murmur to Kit and all but flee the room. I don't even spare another glance at Jared. I can't. It's just too much. Everything about him is too much for me. And I am so very screwed.

  "Savannah, wait," he calls, grabbing my arm when I fling the front door open and step out. He pulls the door closed behind us before releasing me.

  I immediately start walking again. My heart races and my left eye does that twitching thing it does when I'm about to cry. I just want to be away from him, away from me, away from wanting things I have no right to want from him.

  He doesn't take the hint though and jogs down the steps after me.

  "Jared, please," I whisper when he catches up to me. The wind is blowing hard, another storm moving in. I wish it would just blow me away. I could live in Oz with Dorothy and Toto. Adventures. Munchkins. Yeah, I could do that. "Let me go. Please, just let me go."

  I'm not sure if I'm pleading with Jared or if I'm begging God to sweep me away with the wind, but neither listens to me.

  "Savannah, stop," Jared says, grabbing my arm again.

  I jerk to a stop, flinching away from him and the shock of his skin on mine. He takes my reaction for fear and immediately lets me go. Regret and guilt dance through his expression, wrecking me.

  Tears start trickling down my cheeks.

  I'm so tired.

  I'm tired of barely sleeping.

  I'm tired of avoiding him.

  I'm tired of feeling guilty.

  I'm just tired.

  "Savannah," he breathes, his eyes widening when he notices my tears. He lifts his hand and it hovers in the air between us as if he can't decide if he should touch me again or not.

  I sniffle.

  He reaches out and grabs me instantly, pulling me in to him. And I go. Willingly.

  My head nestles into the hard warmth of his chest. He wraps his arms around me, his head settling atop mine. For a minute, everything is perfect. All the guilt and doubts and self-loathing vanish, and it's just me and him. We both sigh in relief, in regret… and then I start crying in earnest.

  "Shh, beautiful girl," he croons, running his hands up and down my back.

  His touch is gentle, soothing, complete perfection. And so wrong.

  Everything is just so wrong with this.

  "Let me go," I cry and try to push away from him.

  He shushes me again, refusing to let me pull away.

  It doesn't scare me, but I fight harder.

  I can't do this with him. I can't.

  "You're okay," he soothes and I realize that I'm saying it out loud. Crying over and over again that I can't do this.

  A sob catches in my throat and I slump against him, defeated.

  "You're okay," he says again, rocking us back and forth.

  For just a minute, I let myself believe him. I sink into his embrace. His warmth surrounds me. His heart hammers against mine. He smells so good, and I feel so safe, so secure.

  "Why does this feel so right?"

  I'm not sure if I'm even meant to hear his question, but I do. And I have no answer.

  For just a minute, I don't want one. I just want… him.

  Oh God, what am I doing?

  Chapter Seven: Goodnight

  On the heels of that admission to myself, my mind begins to race a thousand miles a minute. It's shooting off in every direction. Questions, doubts, and scenarios pile one atop the other like some horrific traffic accident on I-80. Oddly though, it's all distant clamoring. Echoes of echoes and nothing more.

  The only thing I'm focused on is Jared's breathing as he inhales and then
exhales again. Inhales and exhales. Each time, tendrils of hair fan away from my face and then back again. His eyes are locked on mine… jade green searching for something. A reason. An answer. An explanation.

  None of which I have to give him.

  I start to pull away.

  "Don't."

  The way he says this isn't a demand, but a plea. Don't is the only word that leaves his lips, but I find myself freezing, my hands at his sides where I'd lifted them to push myself away. I can almost hear the words he didn't say: Please, don't stop this yet.

  I know it's wrong. I know I'll regret it. Hell, I'm fairly certain he'll regret it. But I nod once and press closer.

  The tension pouring from him vanishes. He takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly.

  Jade green is still locked on me, drawing me in to utter madness.

  I can't find the willpower to stop it.

  We stand there for the longest, not saying a word. We're just staring. Memorizing. The little scar by his lip. The way his eyes sparkle beneath the lights lining the walkway. The little piece of hair on top of his head that stands straight up and waves to and fro with each shift of wind. He truly is beautiful.

  "I have to ask you something," he says suddenly.

  The hand I didn't even realize I'd lifted toward his face drops at the sound of his voice. I open my mouth. Close it. Open it again. I finally give up on speech and just nod. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.

  "Do you love him?" he asks after a moment. His expression is the most serious I've ever seen. It all but scorches me as he waits for an answer, focused solely on me.

  And for a minute, I'm completely lost.

  Do I love who? I wonder. And then realization dawns.

  Toby. He's talking about Toby.

  "No," I whisper. My throat is raw, but oddly, it makes the denial that much more emphatic and certain sounding. And that's just fine with me; it's nothing but the truth. I don't love Toby. I haven't in a long time.

  "Thank God," Jared whispers, and then he's pulling me back into his arms, up against the hard warmth of his chest.