Lightning crashes in the center of my chest again.
Maddi bounds down the steps and throws her arms around me. She's babbling a thousand miles a minute, peppering me with questions about this afternoon. My head spins, leaving me speechless.
"'Mad, let her breathe," Kit demands, catching my eye. She arches a brow, silently asking if I'm okay.
I shrug. It's a safe response, one that says everything and nothing at all.
"Sorry," Madeline mumbles, contrite, and steps back.
I smile at her. "How was your day?" I ask before she can demand answers about mine again.
"Kit's going back to school." She sighs a little, shadows moving through her eyes.
I hear Jared's door close behind me.
The urge to turn to him courses through me, nearly overwhelming me.
I lock my muscles tight, fighting to focus on the girls.
"I'll only be a few minutes away if you need me," Kit says, stepping up beside Maddi and tugging gently at one of her curls. Maddi slaps her hand away and Kit smiles at her. "You know I'll come back anytime you need me," she promises.
Madeline nods and then sighs again. "I wish you'd stay here with me."
My heart breaks a little at the tremble in her voice, and I just want to hug her. Of course she wants her sister here. She's only eleven. It's just not fair that she's parentless.
Kit's shoulders slump.
Chris steps up beside Madeline, flicking her ear. "What am I? Chopped liver?"
Madeline giggles a little and pokes him in the side.
I jump when Jared chuckles from behind me.
Kit shoots me an odd look and I offer her a wan smile.
Please don't ask me if I'm okay, I plead silently.
I'm not sure if she understands or not, but she turns to Jared without questioning me. "Thank you for taking Savannah out today."
"It was my pleasure," he says.
His words are innocent enough, but they wash over me as if he's said something else entirely. My body actually aches with the need to feel his arms around me again. I think I sway a little.
He steps closer.
Heat crackles between us.
I curl my hands into fists, digging my nails into my palms. I wonder how no one else notices the current between us, but they don't. They're just standing there, oblivious to the way my heart races and my palms sweat. Oblivious to the way my body seems to react to his nearness, trying to physically force me closer to him.
"Where'd you go?" Maddi demands.
"We had Greek and then we visited the Gardens."
"I love the Gardens," she sighs dramatically.
"There is nothing more beautiful," Jared agrees, stepping forward into our little circle. His eyes meet mine over her head. They're so green, so earnest, and I know he isn't talking about the Gardens. He's talking about me.
I sway again.
When Lexi appears in the doorway of the mansion, guilt hits me hard, knocking the breath out of me. She seems so vulnerable, so fragile. Her gaze sweeps across our little group, a small smile on her face when she sees me and Jared standing there.
She's happy to see us, I realize. She trusts us.
And I can't handle it.
"I'm gonna go shower," I murmur, my heart in my throat. "I'll see you all at dinner."
Five sets of eyes follow me as I flee to the relative safety of the guesthouse.
Jared's gaze burn the hottest.
I stay in the shower until every drop of hot water is gone, and then spend the rest of the afternoon pacing in the guesthouse. When darkness descends over the estate and the clock creeps closer to dinnertime, I stall.
I want to be brave enough to walk over to the mansion and pretend as if everything is okay. I want to be brave enough to sit across from Jared at the table and not ache when he smiles at me. I want to be able to look at Lexi and not feel like I'm some sort of parasite.
But I can't.
It hasn't even been twenty-four hours, and the weight of guilt is slowly crushing me. The way Lexi looked at us, the trust in her gaze… I feel horrible.
How did Toby and Laney do this?
How did they sit across from me and act innocent? Completely normal?
Did it bother them at all to lie to me day after day?
"Larosa is such a prick," Toby grumbles, spearing a piece of asparagus with his fork and scowling. "I don't even know why they let him teach. His methodology is pathetic."
"I know," Laney agrees, tossing her dark head while spreading honey atop a buttery roll. "I can't wait until we're done with his lab. Savannah, you are so lucky you don't have to deal with him."
I don't feel very lucky, but I smile anyway.
"I can't fucking wait to be done with this class," Toby says.
"It's only a few more weeks," I point out. Both Toby and Laney turn to me. "You two will do great."
Laney laughs a little and tears her roll in half. "I hope so. If I have to deal with him much longer, I'll scream."
Toby grunts his agreement and swallows more asparagus. "Are we studying tomorrow?" he asks Laney.
She nods.
"Good. I have something to show you."
Laney grins.
They were sleeping together the entire time, and I never saw it. Or maybe I was just too blind to see it. She was my friend, but they were always talking and laughing. Toby was actually pleasant to be around when Laney was there. She made him happy.
I was just too stupid to put the pieces together.
Am I like her, coming into Lexi's home and smiling in her face while I'm carrying on with her boyfriend behind her back? Is that really the person I've become?
My stomach churns uncomfortably at the thought.
What am I doing?
What am I doing?
I ask myself the same question over and over. The only answer I have is that I'm doing wrong. Jared and I both are. I know I promised him time, but I can't do it. I just… can't.
And already, I don't know how to stop.
I crawl onto the couch and curl into a miserable ball, not even bothering to go to dinner.
When Jared knocks on the door hours later, I can't breathe through the lump in my throat.
I shuffle that way slowly, dreading the questions I have to ask and the answers I have to hear. It was stupid to believe I could be content not having them. I was stupid to believe that.
Unlocking the door, I pull it open.
Jared's disheveled. His hair is a mess, his shirt is wrinkled, and he's frowning. "Savannah?"
My name is the only thing he says, but it wrecks me.
I bow my head, unable to say a word.
For a full minute, he's completely silent. All I hear is the ticking of the clock behind me, and the thudding of my heart. It seems to beat a single word. Please. Please, please, please.
Please let me keep him.
Please let me not be another Laney.
Please don't let me hurt Lexi.
Just… please.
"Beautiful girl," Jared finally sighs quietly and steps into the house. The door closes behind him and he wraps his arms around me.
I want to melt into him.
I should push him away.
Instead, I just stand there, my head bowed while tears burn behind my eyes.
"You didn't come to dinner," he murmurs, rocking me back and forth. "I was worried about you."
"I'm sorry." My voice cracks on the apology.
He tilts my chin up with his index finger. I keep my eyes closed, afraid to open them.
"Please look at me," he pleads softly.
I can't refuse him, so I peek up at him. His expression is full of worry, his brows crinkled. His jade gaze strips me of my defenses, taking my breath away in the process. I want to curl myself around him.
No.
I can't.
"No apologies. Remember, beautiful girl?"
"I…."
"It's okay," he says and presses his lips to my forehead.
"I'm sorry," I say again.
"Are you– What's wrong?" he whispers, so worried my heart fractures a little.
And that's the part that kills me. Regardless of how wretched I feel, I know exactly what I want: his arms around me and his lips on my skin.
What does that say about me?
Nothing good, I'm sure.
"I'm scared," I confess, pressing my face into his chest and breathing him in.
He smells like sunshine, wildflowers, and grass.
Walking us toward the couch, he pulls me down into his arms just like he did last night.
"What scares you?" he asks then, resting his chin on my shoulder.
"You." My admission is quiet, but he hears it anyway.
He jerks and his arms slacken around me. "Savannah… no. Why?" Lifting me up, he slides out from behind me before dropping to his knees in front of me. He takes my hands in his and peers up at me, concern pouring from him. "I won't hurt you, beautiful girl."
I just stare at him.
"Talk to me," he says.
So I do.
"I don't want to be like them. I don't want to be the kind of person that could do that to someone else." Tears well up again, blurring my vision as the words come tumbling out. "I don't want to be– I don't want to hurt…." I sniffle and pull my hands from his to wipe my face. "This isn't right, Jared."
"It is too much," he whispers more to himself than to me. His head bows for a minute before sighing heavily. "I'm sorry, beautiful girl. I never should have… I've hurt you." He frowns and rises to his feet.
My heart stops.
"Jared, no!" I reach out for him, my tears spilling over. I've messed this up so badly and now he's going to leave. "Please don't go," I plead. "Don't leave."
His eyes shoot to mine when the words crack on my lips.
"Hey," he says and plucks me from the couch, crushing me to his chest. "I'm not going anywhere. Don't cry. Please, don't cry."
I try to stop, but I can't.
Once again, I'm completely overwhelmed by… everything. And once again, it's entirely my fault.
"What's wrong with me?" I demand, trying to catch my breath and force the tears back.
"There's nothing wrong with you, Savannah," Jared whispers. His hand tangles in my hair, massaging my scalp. He pulls me closer, holding me tighter. "You've been through hell and you're hurting. That's not wrong."
I want to believe him, but I don't know how because I feel wrong. I wasn't good enough for my own mother to want me. I wasn't strong enough to walk away from Toby. And now I'm stealing Jared away from Lexi. The sisters are going to hate me, and it's just wrong.
How did I let myself become this pathetic, cowardly person?
"Talk to me," Jared pleads again, still holding me to his chest. "Tell me what you're thinking."
Haltingly, I tell him. About the guilt. About how much I don't want to hurt Lexi. About how not even that is enough to make me not want him. I explain how it feels as if what I want is wrong. And how it makes me feel wrong, as if there is no way I can be good when I'm doing something that's going to hurt everyone around me, when I want to keep doing it despite everything. All of my fears come tumbling out and land around us like the remnants of a train wreck.
"It's not right," I finish weakly.
I've purged myself of everything that's been running through my head since reality came swimming back to the surface this afternoon. It doesn't necessarily make me feel better, but it calms me. I've stopped crying, stopped panicking. Now I'm just waiting for his reaction.
His heart hammers beneath my ear for a minute and then he steps back. He reaches out and cups my face between his hands. I'm almost afraid of what he's going to say, but I'm not going to run from it. This time, I'm going to fight that urge. I have to, or nothing will ever be resolved.
He stares at me for a minute, searching my face. "You aren't wrong, Savannah," he whispers fiercely. "And this isn't wrong. We're not wrong." He sounds so sure of that, no doubt in his voice whatsoever. "If there was nothing standing in your way, if no one would be hurt, would it ease your mind?"
"You know that can't happen," I say, refusing to let myself hope. "We can't just pretend the girls don't exist. That we're not lying to them. You're with Lexi, Jared." Saying it hurts, but I forge ahead anyway. "We can't do this to her. It's not right. You know it isn't."
"Forget all of that for a minute," he demands, still holding my face between his hands. "Just forget about everyone but you. What do you want, Savannah? Right this minute, what do you want?"
I want him to kiss me. I want him to tell me I'm not like Laney. I want him to promise me that we're not going to hurt Lexi, that I'm not horrible like Toby. I want him, and I want that to be okay and not make me a horrible person.
I tell him as much.
He presses his lips to mine in response to my first want. His tongue skims along my bottom lip before dipping into my mouth. I groan and kiss him back hungrily. He holds me close and pours everything into his kiss. My lips are swollen and my body is heavy and tight by the time he pulls away and rests his forehead against mine.
I shiver a little at how easily he plucks me apart, filling me with a parade of dizzying sensation.
Is this how it's supposed to be?
How intimacy is supposed to feel?
"You aren't like Toby or Laney, beautiful girl," he promises me. "There is nothing wrong or horrible about you."
I open my mouth to argue and his eyes narrow. Snapping it closed, I settle for a nod instead.
He kisses my cheek before continuing. "This is my fault. I shouldn't have asked you to just accept all of this without explanation, and I'm sorry for that. It was wrong to ask you to carry that weight." He exhales a little. "But I didn't do it so I could keep both of you, Savannah. I swear to you that's not what this is about."
"Then what is it?" I whisper, leaning back so I can really see him. Questions tumble out as easily as my fears did. "What can't you tell me? Why can't you tell me? Is she in love with you? You said she's in danger. Do you feel obligated to her?"
He told me he doesn't want me in the middle, and that it's dangerous, but I don't really understand what that means. I should have asked. I should have been brave enough to ask instead of hiding from the truth.
"I'm sorry," I say again. Had I just demanded answers earlier, we wouldn't be here now.
"You have nothing to apologize for. This is my fault for dragging you into this, not yours." He stares down at me and rakes a hand through his hair. He paces around. "It's so fucking complicated, and I've messed it up."
"How did you mess it up? I don't understand."
I think I'm going to go insane waiting for him to answer.
"Tell me, please. Whatever it is, just tell me," I beg, taking a step toward him. "Jared, I can handle it. I promise I can. But I can't pretend when I don't even know why I'm pretending."
He sighs and turns to face me. His expression is grim as he stares down at me, conflicted. "I need you to promise me something," he says.
My heart is in my throat again, but I manage to nod.
"Promise me that what I'm about to say to you stays between us. Katrina and Madeline can't know. No one can. Not a word of it." He is so serious. Whatever he has to say can't be good.
I think I'm actually terrified to hear it.
"I promise," I mouth.
His gaze tangles with mine for a minute.
Time seems to stretch out forever while I wait for him to tell me what's going on. To explain to me how he can be so sure that this isn't wrong and why everything is so complicated. I'm honestly not sure what I'm expecting him to say given what little I do know, but it certainly isn't what comes out of his mouth.
"I'm an FBI agent, Savannah. I'm here investigating Talbot International."
Chapter Eleven: Say When
My mouth drops open. I can't move. All I can do is stand there, stunned.
Jared's hand is in his hair again, tugg
ing on it. His expression is torn, nervous… like he just told me that he's hiding a terrorist in his basement and expects me to start screaming bloody murder.
I can't scream though. I can't even process what he's just said to me.
He's–
"Savannah?" His eyes are full of doubt.
His voice seems to coax my own from me.
"I don't understand." I sink down to the couch, not at all certain I heard him correctly.
"I'm an FBI agent," he says again. He paces around again, seemingly caged. His hand never leaves his hair.
"You're investigating T.I.?" My brain begins to fire again. "Why?" I can't even begin to imagine why the FBI would be interested in T.I. A thousand different scenarios run through my mind, all jumbled together. The only thing that's clear in any of it is that this just can't be right. Matthew wasn't a criminal.
He wasn't… was he?
No. I know he wasn't.
I stare at Jared, silently demanding that he explain why my world is suddenly spinning, knocked completely out of orbit.
He sighs and continues pacing.
Watching him is killing me, making me crazy.
I feel as if I'm in the middle of some blockbuster movie where the plot twists and turns and the characters have no better idea of what's going on than the audience does. Two minutes ago, my biggest concern was whether I was horrible person. That suddenly seems like a moot point. Some part of me – the part that will always be loyal to Matthew in thanks for all he did for me – rises to the surface. It's angry. So, so angry.
How dare Jared lie to everyone?
How dare he put me in a position where I have to choose between him and the Talbots?
"Why?" I demand. "How could you do this to them? They trusted you."
I trusted you, I want to cry, but I don't. This isn't about me. It's about the family that took me in when I had nowhere to go… not once, but twice. I may be a terrible friend for falling for him, but I'll never side with someone against the sisters. Ever. Not even Jared.
He stops pacing and sinks to his knees in front of me again. "It's not what you think," he says, clasping my hands tightly in his. "I swear to you that I'm not trying to hurt Lexi or her sisters."
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